Feeling like I've lost my purpose.
Discussion
Hoping to get some ideas to pick me up, and essentially keep me sane. Apologies in advance if this post seems self pitying, that's honestly not the intention.
As some of you may know my business of 10 years has become a victim of health problems, exacerbated by Covid. I am now not bringing any money in to our household, leaving my wife as bread winner. Things are tight financially, and it feels like it is worsening.
My poor health is stopping me being in any place to work currently. I can elaborate if needs be, but the 'short answer' is panic attacks when any stressful situation arises, or if anything is out of my 100% control.
Our house is an ongoing development, and there is easily 2 years of solid work I can be undertaking. On one hand this is saving paying tradesmen to do jobs, but it feels to like we are begging or borrowing for supplies, be it paint, a log burner etc etc.....
This is wrecking my head.
I'm struggling to concentrate on the task in hand, let alone plan jobs, or priority order. To the point that my wife is having to manage electronic to do lists for me.
She, Sarah, is being great. She tells me my health 'is the most important thing', but I fear that I am letting her down - I feel as the 'man of the house' I should be providing. She's trying to be the strong one, but I know money worries or one of the few things which can stress her out.
I feel, as per the title, that I have lost my purpose. Anyone have any advice as to how I can persuade my stupid brain otherwise, and stop myself going stir crazy.
Thanks in advance for any useful words.
As some of you may know my business of 10 years has become a victim of health problems, exacerbated by Covid. I am now not bringing any money in to our household, leaving my wife as bread winner. Things are tight financially, and it feels like it is worsening.
My poor health is stopping me being in any place to work currently. I can elaborate if needs be, but the 'short answer' is panic attacks when any stressful situation arises, or if anything is out of my 100% control.
Our house is an ongoing development, and there is easily 2 years of solid work I can be undertaking. On one hand this is saving paying tradesmen to do jobs, but it feels to like we are begging or borrowing for supplies, be it paint, a log burner etc etc.....
This is wrecking my head.
I'm struggling to concentrate on the task in hand, let alone plan jobs, or priority order. To the point that my wife is having to manage electronic to do lists for me.
She, Sarah, is being great. She tells me my health 'is the most important thing', but I fear that I am letting her down - I feel as the 'man of the house' I should be providing. She's trying to be the strong one, but I know money worries or one of the few things which can stress her out.
I feel, as per the title, that I have lost my purpose. Anyone have any advice as to how I can persuade my stupid brain otherwise, and stop myself going stir crazy.
Thanks in advance for any useful words.
Sorry to hear that. Seeing as you are physically fit, is there a possibility of doing any part time, very menial work that wouldn’t throw up any stressful situations? I’m thinking mind numbingly boring work here. Benefits are you get a bit extra cash in your pocket and perhaps it would be good for your well-being.
Jag_NE said:
Sorry to hear that. Seeing as you are physically fit, is there a possibility of doing any part time, very menial work that wouldn’t throw up any stressful situations? I’m thinking mind numbingly boring work here. Benefits are you get a bit extra cash in your pocket and perhaps it would be good for your well-being.
It's something we've looked at. We have so much surplus stuff to sell EG handbags, S's old clothes. Perfect condition, but attire for a younger lass, EG barely covering the goods miniskirts! Where the former is concerned my back ground, leather restoration, suits to get these perfect to ebay/ bring in money. I've tried paid for surveys, but these bought in pennies, for surveys which were often lengthy, or not relevant.
Sounds like you might be suffering from depression, get yourself round to the docs ASAP.
Nothing to be ashamed of, it can strike anyone at any time.
Remember medication can take a couple of weeks to kick in.
Whatever you do, don't bottle your feelings up, Talk, talk talk, and don't worry about the house if it's going to put you under financial pressure, things can always be put off until you are feeling better.
Covid isn't going to last forever.
Hold your nerve, you have a gem in Sarah.
Nothing to be ashamed of, it can strike anyone at any time.
Remember medication can take a couple of weeks to kick in.
Whatever you do, don't bottle your feelings up, Talk, talk talk, and don't worry about the house if it's going to put you under financial pressure, things can always be put off until you are feeling better.
Covid isn't going to last forever.
Hold your nerve, you have a gem in Sarah.
Sorry to hear your situation - but good job for talking about it and admitting it.
There are a few things going on here by the sounds of it.
I’m sorry to hear about your panic attacks - have you sought counseling? If this is a barrier to working (of any kind) it needs resolving for your health and well being, regardless of what job you’re doing.
I agree with the poster above about trying to find work. I also think it’d be good if this work is outside the house. I’m not sure if you’re up to working somewhere like a super market ? Or even some shift work somewhere.
When I went through a similar patch, I worked night shifts stacking lumber and then went onto work in a mattress factory. Those two jobs literally saved my life. Working there, simple tasks, the most interesting, empathetic people I’ve ever met and above all, a sense of purpose and responsibility.
There are a few things going on here by the sounds of it.
I’m sorry to hear about your panic attacks - have you sought counseling? If this is a barrier to working (of any kind) it needs resolving for your health and well being, regardless of what job you’re doing.
I agree with the poster above about trying to find work. I also think it’d be good if this work is outside the house. I’m not sure if you’re up to working somewhere like a super market ? Or even some shift work somewhere.
When I went through a similar patch, I worked night shifts stacking lumber and then went onto work in a mattress factory. Those two jobs literally saved my life. Working there, simple tasks, the most interesting, empathetic people I’ve ever met and above all, a sense of purpose and responsibility.
Wacky Racer said:
Sounds like you might be suffering from depression, get yourself round to the docs ASAP.
Nothing to be ashamed of, it can strike anyone at any time.
Remember medication can take a couple of weeks to kick in.
Whatever you do, don't bottle your feelings up, Talk, talk talk, and don't worry about the house if it's going to put you under financial pressure, things can always be put off until you are feeling better.
Covid isn't going to last forever.
Hold your nerve, you have a gem in Sarah.
Where depression is concerned I think it is a factor. You are correct that I need to talk, and to S, but I fear showing weakness. I know how mad that sounds when I read it back, but it feels like presenting my 'failings' to her. Nothing to be ashamed of, it can strike anyone at any time.
Remember medication can take a couple of weeks to kick in.
Whatever you do, don't bottle your feelings up, Talk, talk talk, and don't worry about the house if it's going to put you under financial pressure, things can always be put off until you are feeling better.
Covid isn't going to last forever.
Hold your nerve, you have a gem in Sarah.
Hey - Long time no speak.
Really sorry to read your post. Covid has had a deep impact on mental health as well as everything else so firstly remember that you're not alone.
Secondly, get to your doctor as it sounds like you're trying to deal with depression and that is very tough to cope with at the best of times. Don't kid yourself that you aren't that bad because it isn't healthy.
Thirdly, although this may seem glib in the circumstances but try and focus on what is important. You have a partner who clearly loves you. Everything else is noise.
Try and focus on positive things. As someone who suffers severe depression I realise how hard this can be. The key isn't to believe you can rid yourself of depression. Sometimes the dark clouds just come in and nothing is going to change that. But when you can focus on the good. You may need to write it down. Name 3 things you're grateful for.
Focus on what you can change rather than what you can't. Your home renovation is a good example as it gives you power and saves you money. Double win.
Keeping talking to sarah, even though sometimes you may make zero sense to anyone else. It helps find a way through.
Finally, try and stay busy and in some sort of routine. I'm finding this tough but it makes a difference. If you stay busy, especially if you can help Sarah or others it acts as a massive distraction. The very worse cases of mental health I see is from people that "give up" on life as mentally they turn in on themselves. Even in the darkest of hours when I wonder if to end it all or not I try and distract myself and it works (sadly for many I am still here breathing).
Good luck fella - PM me if you want. No silver bullets but I hope that is helpful.
Really sorry to read your post. Covid has had a deep impact on mental health as well as everything else so firstly remember that you're not alone.
Secondly, get to your doctor as it sounds like you're trying to deal with depression and that is very tough to cope with at the best of times. Don't kid yourself that you aren't that bad because it isn't healthy.
Thirdly, although this may seem glib in the circumstances but try and focus on what is important. You have a partner who clearly loves you. Everything else is noise.
Try and focus on positive things. As someone who suffers severe depression I realise how hard this can be. The key isn't to believe you can rid yourself of depression. Sometimes the dark clouds just come in and nothing is going to change that. But when you can focus on the good. You may need to write it down. Name 3 things you're grateful for.
Focus on what you can change rather than what you can't. Your home renovation is a good example as it gives you power and saves you money. Double win.
Keeping talking to sarah, even though sometimes you may make zero sense to anyone else. It helps find a way through.
Finally, try and stay busy and in some sort of routine. I'm finding this tough but it makes a difference. If you stay busy, especially if you can help Sarah or others it acts as a massive distraction. The very worse cases of mental health I see is from people that "give up" on life as mentally they turn in on themselves. Even in the darkest of hours when I wonder if to end it all or not I try and distract myself and it works (sadly for many I am still here breathing).
Good luck fella - PM me if you want. No silver bullets but I hope that is helpful.
Hi, sometimes life is really hard and you feel like you are completely lost with no meaning or purpuse in life but you have to be strong and think in your family. I suffered from depression in the past and I know it is not easy but it is possible with the help of your loved ones. I was able to overcome depression starting with little things every day...going for walk, reading, doing little jobs at home, helping other people, something in which you could clear your mind and little by little doing this kind of things you will be able to do more complicated things and recover your self-esteem. I am sure that you will recover as I was able to do it. Stay strong
Definitely speak to the quack. If SS loves you (as is obvious from your posts) she will be understanding. Just be completely open and honest with her, hiding feelings won’t work because it will burst out in one go if you don’t. Do also realise that an effect of depression/stress is inadvertent (and unavoidable) selfishness. Tell people you are aware of this, apologise in advance, and they will understand.
Do stuff. Anything. Exercise is always promoted as a ‘solution’. It can be for some, not me, it seemed like too much of a ‘big thing’. My (sadly long term) experience is to revel in small victories, even if it’s just putting the bins out or having a shower. For me, building scale models helped. Don’t try and ‘drink it out’.
I really hope you feel better soon, it’s bloody horrible but it does get better. The secret is that ince you’ve gone through it is to recognise the signs that it might happen again, and do something at the earliest opportunity.
Do stuff. Anything. Exercise is always promoted as a ‘solution’. It can be for some, not me, it seemed like too much of a ‘big thing’. My (sadly long term) experience is to revel in small victories, even if it’s just putting the bins out or having a shower. For me, building scale models helped. Don’t try and ‘drink it out’.
I really hope you feel better soon, it’s bloody horrible but it does get better. The secret is that ince you’ve gone through it is to recognise the signs that it might happen again, and do something at the earliest opportunity.
Atanasoff, DSLiverpool, Chemapi and ChevronB19 sincerely thank you for taking the time to post your thoughts and suggestions. Posting to advise I'll aim to respond to you individually tomorrow, as my head is feeling a little vacant to reply concisely at this minute.
Bloody head, where can I buy a replacement?!
Bloody head, where can I buy a replacement?!
I started to suffer bad anxiety and panic attacks in January and was put on a decent dose of anti depressants. My business died this year due to covid.
Got myself a much less stressful job, when I finish for the day that that is it although lower paid. Still get anxiety/stress/adrenalin issues but less so. I was on the meds, they did make me feel a bit better but I could not ejeculate (common issue) which I found depressing in itself, and I suddenly realised I didn't want to rely on them. It was mid lockdown and no help available, very hard to come off them. I will never go on them again. I understand why people take them for decades now!
Got myself a much less stressful job, when I finish for the day that that is it although lower paid. Still get anxiety/stress/adrenalin issues but less so. I was on the meds, they did make me feel a bit better but I could not ejeculate (common issue) which I found depressing in itself, and I suddenly realised I didn't want to rely on them. It was mid lockdown and no help available, very hard to come off them. I will never go on them again. I understand why people take them for decades now!
Hello, I really feel for you - this is a massively challenging time and we're all wired differently.
Don't beat yourself up about not making progress on things at home, will only compound things. Sometimes you need to find space elsewhere to regain that motivation. Be kind on yourself, you deserve it.
I suspect that you need to get to the root cause of the anxiety and your desire to be in control; Therapy would be my first suggestion.
Thoroughly recommend the following - preferably all of them, but your mileage may vary;
- See a doctor - depression / anxiety is one of the most readily treated ailments, something like 25% of the population suffer each year.
- Meditation - download Calm or Headspace and give it a go
- Therapy - talking therapy, can often be available through health insurance or the NHS
- Running - couch to 5k, or just a long walk, a lot. Every two days, and slowly build up to an hour at a go if you can over a number of months.
- Vitamins, more water, more vegetables and putting better quality fuel in
I quit drinking too when I feel like this, it has a latent effect that seems to creep up on me and keep me feeling low.
these are mostly very easy, cheap or free and just require you to trick yourself into picking up these habits. Lots of apps that can help you do that if you're motivated by seeing progress or clocking up the miles on Strava or Habitify.
Ultimately, know that you aren't alone and that you will make it through this.
Don't beat yourself up about not making progress on things at home, will only compound things. Sometimes you need to find space elsewhere to regain that motivation. Be kind on yourself, you deserve it.
I suspect that you need to get to the root cause of the anxiety and your desire to be in control; Therapy would be my first suggestion.
Thoroughly recommend the following - preferably all of them, but your mileage may vary;
- See a doctor - depression / anxiety is one of the most readily treated ailments, something like 25% of the population suffer each year.
- Meditation - download Calm or Headspace and give it a go
- Therapy - talking therapy, can often be available through health insurance or the NHS
- Running - couch to 5k, or just a long walk, a lot. Every two days, and slowly build up to an hour at a go if you can over a number of months.
- Vitamins, more water, more vegetables and putting better quality fuel in
I quit drinking too when I feel like this, it has a latent effect that seems to creep up on me and keep me feeling low.
these are mostly very easy, cheap or free and just require you to trick yourself into picking up these habits. Lots of apps that can help you do that if you're motivated by seeing progress or clocking up the miles on Strava or Habitify.
Ultimately, know that you aren't alone and that you will make it through this.
Edited by tapandunwrap on Monday 14th December 23:06
Some good advice here. It’s useful to break tasks down into small achievable chunks, as in the old how do you eat an elephant joke. And remember the power of adding the word yet onto the end of any sentence that contains the word can’t.
Eat well, sleep well, and celebrate everything, no matter how small, that goes how you want it to. Take care.
Eat well, sleep well, and celebrate everything, no matter how small, that goes how you want it to. Take care.
It might sound a bit odd but caring for others can take you away from your own issues and open your mind up to some other thoughts and considerations of what is important (and what isn’t) to you. Maybe some voluntary work, initially, to get a feel and then a job as a support worker in a hospital/hospice/ambulance trust? You might not think it’s ‘you’ but you are not fitting with your expectations of you at the moment and might want to readjust. Give it some thought, I promise it could benefit you.
Do you have a garden, Fermit? Could you regularly put in an hour a day of simple work - a bit of easy digging/turning over, picking leaves up, bit of pruning? It might be a way to reconnect with nature. Perhaps you could knock a bird table up and spend time watching them feed from it.
I was reading this you see https://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2020-12/uo... :
"People in European countries with the strictest COVID-19 lockdown policies were more likely to show symptoms of depression and anxiety, according to an international study investigating the impact of disconnecting from nature."
The findings were summarised: "The results indicate that having access from the home to outdoor spaces (e.g., garden, balcony) and having window views to open spaces or natural element (e.g., coast, park, forest) decreased the probability of showing symptoms of depression. Furthermore, people with access to outdoor spaces and with nature views, managed to maintain a more positive mood during lockdown"
Can you access a garden space? Or is there a nearby overgrowing outdoor space that you could 'adopt' to do some very light work? I know of an area which is literally a street sign which has been adopted which now has a bed of flowers around it.
ps, are you spending too much time, like virtually all of us, doom-scrolling? I am an ABSOLUTE HOUND for that, it has to be said.
I was reading this you see https://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2020-12/uo... :
"People in European countries with the strictest COVID-19 lockdown policies were more likely to show symptoms of depression and anxiety, according to an international study investigating the impact of disconnecting from nature."
The findings were summarised: "The results indicate that having access from the home to outdoor spaces (e.g., garden, balcony) and having window views to open spaces or natural element (e.g., coast, park, forest) decreased the probability of showing symptoms of depression. Furthermore, people with access to outdoor spaces and with nature views, managed to maintain a more positive mood during lockdown"
Can you access a garden space? Or is there a nearby overgrowing outdoor space that you could 'adopt' to do some very light work? I know of an area which is literally a street sign which has been adopted which now has a bed of flowers around it.
ps, are you spending too much time, like virtually all of us, doom-scrolling? I am an ABSOLUTE HOUND for that, it has to be said.
Edited by ReverendCounter on Tuesday 15th December 18:18
I suffered from panic attacks, fight or flight reflex, when managing a company of 20 people about 18-20 years ago and reporting to bosses in Stuttgart. It started suddenly one day when I was giving a presentation. I didn't know what was happening to me, it was very frightening, the more I panicked about it the worse it got. I had to get out of the room.
They would then occur almost daily, if I saw the boss walking towards the office, for example, in the middle of a telephone call or even if I was walking into a shop and had to speak to somebody, when I was standing at a bus stop in the middle of nowhere on business in Denmark!. They can be very debilitating. They eventually contributed towards my resignation though I had pretty well got on top of them at that point.
I visited the doctor and she explained fight or flight and that it's a very physical thing that you can manage. She prescribed propranolol and advised me to practise relaxation techniques, essentially exhaling deeply, relaxing your shoulders and emptying your mind.
Get yourself to the doctor, explain your situation and perhaps see if you can get counselling too. Google self-treatments and relaxation techniques. It is manageable.
I haven't had one now for 18 years and I'm sure you can get back to your old self too.
They would then occur almost daily, if I saw the boss walking towards the office, for example, in the middle of a telephone call or even if I was walking into a shop and had to speak to somebody, when I was standing at a bus stop in the middle of nowhere on business in Denmark!. They can be very debilitating. They eventually contributed towards my resignation though I had pretty well got on top of them at that point.
I visited the doctor and she explained fight or flight and that it's a very physical thing that you can manage. She prescribed propranolol and advised me to practise relaxation techniques, essentially exhaling deeply, relaxing your shoulders and emptying your mind.
Get yourself to the doctor, explain your situation and perhaps see if you can get counselling too. Google self-treatments and relaxation techniques. It is manageable.
I haven't had one now for 18 years and I'm sure you can get back to your old self too.
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