How to deal with ill mother under C19

[ChevronB19]

Mum has been in and out of hospital 8 times in the last 4 months with various infections. Hospital gave multiple tests, antibiotics and morphine for extreme pain.

After some serious good work by my sister, who won’t take no for an answer, they’ve finally diagnosed the problem - she has a fistula between bowel and vagina, which results in, well, you can imagine. If it isn’t fixed, and apparently it’s a risky operation at her age, and with her medical history, it would basically condemn her to repeated infections, her extreme ‘shame’ about being ‘unclean’, repeated hospitalisation and extreme pain.

She’s the strongest woman I’ve ever met, and the fact whenever I’m on the phone to her she breaks down in tears and says she’s scared she’ll never come home, demonstrates to me just how much this is affecting her. My dad is dealing with it very badly, albeit understandably, and is on the edge of a nervous breakdown. Sister probably is as well.

Obviously, we’re not allowed in to see her (we can wave at her through the window, but she just cries), and whenever I speak to her she just says all she wants is a cuddle, and if she has to have the operation she wants to come home first so she can see family, as she’s convinced she’s not going to get out - a fair possibility it would seem.

Does anyone know of there’s any possibility of paying (don’t care how much) for a ‘rapid test’ just so I can get in and see her? Is that even on the horizon?

Any tips? I’ve deliberately written this as a sort of stream of consciousness, so sorry of it comes out garbled. There are a couple of people on here who know who I am, so if you’re one of them, I’d ask for discretion if that’s ok.

[K77 CTR]

Phone and explain all this to the ward sister. Visiting is the discretion of the ward sister. Is your mother fit enough to walk outside the hospital? No reason why you can't meet out the front but be sensible and avoid physical contact and wear masks.

[ChevronB19]

K77 CTR said:

Phone and explain all this to the ward sister. Visiting is the discretion of the ward sister. Is your mother fit enough to walk outside the hospital? No reason why you can't meet out the front but be sensible and avoid physical contact and wear masks.

Thanks for the tip (genuinely). Unfortunately she’s not in a state where she is mobile. We’ve tried discretion and they’ve said no.

[K77 CTR]

ChevronB19 said:

Thanks for the tip (genuinely). Unfortunately she’s not in a state where she is mobile. We’ve tried discretion and they’ve said no.

Could you speak to her consultant? I doubt they would do the operation as an emergency and it would be semi planned admission. They may also need to wait for any current infection to be treated. There could be a chance she'd be discharged prior to the operation. I know it's so hard for patients and relatives the current visiting restrictions but if they say yes to you it's very hard to say no to the other 30 patients on the ward.

[dirky dirk]

My mums in as well
Only advice i can offer is she wont be allowed out and relesed to her sheltered accommodation until she fesrs negative, could be tomorrow could be new year

[ChevronB19]

Just to update, she’s being let out tomorrow on heavy antibiotics (and serious painkillers) for a couple of weeks to try and clear up the infections before they operate.

She’s scared of the op, but she was desperately worried she wouldn’t see any of us before it, so in a weird way this has put my mind at rest (at least for a couple of weeks).

Thanks for the advice. Might need it again!

Edit: thanks K77, you were right and thanks for the benefit of your experience. Dirk, hope your mum is ok.

Edited by ChevronB19 on Thursday 26th November 22:25

Edited by ChevronB19 on Thursday 26th November 22:26

[K77 CTR]

ChevronB19 said:

Just to update, she’s being let out tomorrow on heavy antibiotics (and serious painkillers) for a couple of weeks to try and clear up the infections before they operate.

She’s scared of the op, but she was desperately worried she wouldn’t see any of us before it, so in a weird way this has put my mind at rest (at least for a couple of weeks).

Thanks for the advice. Might need it again!

Edit: thanks K77, you were right and thanks for the benefit of your experience. Dirk, hope your mum is ok.

Edited by ChevronB19 on Thursday 26th November 22:25

Edited by ChevronB19 on Thursday 26th November 22:26

Glad to hear she is coming home and that you will all get to see each other before the op. Always happy to help where I can, feel free to message me if needed.

[K77 CTR]

dirky dirk said:

My mums in as well
Only advice i can offer is she wont be allowed out and relesed to her sheltered accommodation until she fesrs negative, could be tomorrow could be new year

The virologist should be able to examine the samples and if still testing positive after two or three weeks should be able to determine if this is latent cells rather than active virus. Shouldn't need to wait until new year as should be able to be transferred earlier. Hope your mum is better soon and discharged swiftly.

[ChevronB19]

K77 CTR said:

ChevronB19 said:

Just to update, she’s being let out tomorrow on heavy antibiotics (and serious painkillers) for a couple of weeks to try and clear up the infections before they operate.

She’s scared of the op, but she was desperately worried she wouldn’t see any of us before it, so in a weird way this has put my mind at rest (at least for a couple of weeks).

Thanks for the advice. Might need it again!

Edit: thanks K77, you were right and thanks for the benefit of your experience. Dirk, hope your mum is ok.

Edited by ChevronB19 on Thursday 26th November 22:25

Edited by ChevronB19 on Thursday 26th November 22:26

Glad to hear she is coming home and that you will all get to see each other before the op. Always happy to help where I can, feel free to message me if needed.

Much appreciated. Saw her tonight, lots of tears on both parts. But I’m being relentlessly positive with her about the future. Brother in law is a paramedic at the same hospital, so he can see her. Nurses have been fantastic, being with her when the consultant is there, and then relaying what they actually said to my sis.

[K77 CTR]

ChevronB19 said:

Much appreciated. Saw her tonight, lots of tears on both parts. But I’m being relentlessly positive with her about the future. Brother in law is a paramedic at the same hospital, so he can see her. Nurses have been fantastic, being with her when the consultant is there, and then relaying what they actually said to my sis.

If your mum gives consent, it should be possible for you to speak to the consultant. Call his secretary and ask for them to arrange a time for him to call back. Glad you've managed to see her and nobody can predict the future, we operate on very ill older people all the time. Keep thinking positively for both of yours sake not just putting on a front for her.

[Mr Tidy]

ChevronB19 said:

Much appreciated. Saw her tonight, lots of tears on both parts. But I’m being relentlessly positive with her about the future. Brother in law is a paramedic at the same hospital, so he can see her. Nurses have been fantastic, being with her when the consultant is there, and then relaying what they actually said to my sis.

Even having a visit is great news!

And I really hope it works out well for all of you.

Sadly my Mum passed away on 3 November and none of us could get to her residential home in time.

[ChevronB19]

Mr Tidy said:

ChevronB19 said:

Much appreciated. Saw her tonight, lots of tears on both parts. But I’m being relentlessly positive with her about the future. Brother in law is a paramedic at the same hospital, so he can see her. Nurses have been fantastic, being with her when the consultant is there, and then relaying what they actually said to my sis.

Even having a visit is great news!

And I really hope it works out well for all of you.

Sadly my Mum passed away on 3 November and none of us could get to her residential home in time.

I’m very sorry to hear that, and I hope your family is coping under difficult circumstances.