Desperately need help or advice - struggling

[Inabadway]

Hi everyone

I'm very sorry for the length of this!!

Long time and prolific poster here, but wanted to keep anonymous for this one as there’s a few on here I know and work with….i’m very adept at hiding this from everyone, i.e nobody would ever have any idea including my Mrs.

I just need to vent and ask if anyone has had any similar experience and how they sorted it. Its been there for maybe a decade since I was 20 and its just got worse and worse every day.

Basically, I’m really fking struggling to function at the moment in life and I really can’t put my finger on the root cause, or indeed any semblance of the beginnings of a way out of this.

I don’t feel intrinsically “down,” at all really, apart from as a result of the things I’m doing on a daily basis. I just seem to be in self destruct mode for no reason at all, and flying in the face of everything I know I can and want to do and achieve. I had a wonderful childhood, loving parents, a wonderful girl who thinks the world of me and I of her, good education, no immediate money worries and thankfully job security. I really am very lucky.

However………I’m now in my very early 30’s, and I just cannot seem to sort my life out. I get up every morning and just cannot get going. I drink probably every day. Not to excess but probably 3-4 pints a day. I smoke far too many cigarettes. I drink 8-10 strong coffees a day. Maybe once or twice a month I lock myself away on a Friday or Saturday night after coming home from the pub and have a 12 hour Cocaine and Porn binge, which takes me a week or so to recover from. I’m pretty overweight. Despite fleeting moments of intense motivation (normally after a couple of beers) I furiously write down my 12 week exercise and diet plans, set my alarm for 5am to start……. And never do. I eat so much crap. I have however gone through a few 4-6 month periods where I;ve got in the best shape of my life, and have felt fantastic. But it never lasts.

I had a cancer scare earlier this year which I was unbelievably relieved to find out was not serious. But I still carry on the old ways.

I waste probably 5-6 hours a day mindlessly surfing the internet on forums, news websites, youtube until my eyes and head physically hurt, and realise I’ve achieved nothing all day. This is despite desperately not wanting to, and having a firm and extensive to do list in front of me. But I can’t drag myself away from my phone and laptop (I wish I could throw them in the river)……I work remotely in Sales and am, through no real effort of my own, maybe 20-25% my own effort, am managing to do okay-ish. But I’m really not putting in the effort and really really struggle to do so. Despite really wanted to do well. I look at my younger brother, with his new house and own business and all the toys, doing so well for himself and I’m both extremely proud of him and also extremely disgusted with myself that I’m not doing the same.

It took me nearly a year to work up the motivation to update my CV for this job nearly 4 years ago. It sometimes takes me 2 hours to work up the motivation to get out of bed and get dressed.
I’m constantly talking a good game to everyone. But there’s nothing behind it. I want very very much to make a difference, to do well, to be someone I can be proud of, and be someone people in my industry come to in order to fulfil their needs. But can’t even shower some days.

I went through a short period of nicking silly things from shops a while back, like chocolate bars. 8 years ago I got done for drink driving the morning after. Complete wker. I have gone through a couple of periods of intense gambling activity, but not for ages. I have saved the money for a deposit on my first home, and have the income to do it….. but can’t get a mortgage currently due to past idiocy with money from a few years ago.

I’m unbelievably awkward with people. I just feel my face going red and myself overflowing with adrenalin after social interaction. I was never like this in my teens and very early 20’s. As a result I have very few true “friends,” only a group of aquaintances. I have nobody I can really speak to about this. I don’t want to burden my fantastic Girlfriend about it. I want to continue to view me as the fun happy guy she fell for.

I had an important Zoom call with a new big customer today, with the owners of my firm on too, and had to have a couple of large G+Ts before could face it. At 10am.

It never was, but it’s all starting now to affect my very being. I feel physically disconnected from the world on a daily basis…. Not really there and in some weird dreamy state all the time. I can’t remember what I did yesterday really. It’s all just one weird blur the last year or two. Despite this I’m able to still feel intense joy in certain situations, but this is increasingly rare.

Also despite all this, I still have deep rooted and burning ambitions to do certain things. I just simply cannot force myself to even start. I feel like these ambitions are diminishing all the time and I’m desperate for them not to. I just want to jump out of bed in the morning and go to it, get stuck into life.

I don’t know what else to say really. I’ve just really fked myself up and I really don’t know how to get back on track.

Has anyone got any wisdom they can share about where to even begin?

Knocking the drink on the head is probably the first thing, but I just can’t help myself.

I loathe who I am these days. I laid in bed looking at the ceiling until 3am this morning and I think for the first time I admitted to myself that I desperately need help

[Phil Dicky]

The fact you've admitted you need help is the first big step to getting yourself sorted. I've in the past spoken to my Dr and felt massively better just having someone listen to me. That would be my first bit of advice in getting professional help, also don't shut your partner out. Speak to her if you feel she would understand and can help.
Also you aren't on your own and getting help isn't a sign of weakness or failure.

[essayer]

Some of what you've said resonated with how I was some years ago. A longer term of sessions with a therapist really helped me. A lot of what I struggled with was around motivation, and it was really helpful to understand what in my past shaped that - and what could be done about it. I still waste time on the Internet but don't always feel bad about it

https://www.bacp.co.uk/

[steveT350C]

Seriously well done for writing that!!!! That’s the hardest bit over, admitting to yourself you have a problem.

So, what’s the problem?
Addiction.
What are you addicted to?
This is where it gets interesting. You could list out booze, drugs, porn, gambling etc etc.

The addictive behaviour is very often a coping, or escaping strategy.

Escaping from what though?

It’s the finding out what I was trying to escape from that saved me.

There are millions of people around the world that have successfully recovered from their addictions. The hardest part, as I said, is recognising and accepting you have a problem to start with.

GP is a good enough place to start as any.

Get busy getting better

[Bumblebee7]

From what you have said it sounds like you are trying to jump to an extreme and make a big change. Over time this is a fantastic goal to work towards but in the short term you have to set yourself realistic targets.

"A dream written down with a date becomes a goal. A goal broken down into steps becomes a plan. A plan backed by action makes your dreams come true."

One step at a time. Work your way up in baby steps and try not to stop doing anything cold turkey. Try and make one small change every day that moves you in the right direction.

I think the key thing is to not overwhelm yourself by introducing too much change at once and make it things you can stick to. For a start try to reduce and eventually eliminate the bad habits, over time try working towards creating good habits. Generally trying to stick to an awful diet is a misery, so maybe try focusing on eating better during the week and splurging more at weekends. Try the same with drinking.

Cigarettes is a tricky one, it's a good habit to kick as soon as possible but can lead to its own weight and emotional issues. For now I would focus more on the drinking and perhaps try reducing smoking slowly. If you smoke 20 a day, try making it 19 and do that for a week. The following week maybe try 18. Within 6 months you may find you can't be bothered to smoke at all and it would have happened slowly and naturally not leading to aggressive nocotine withdrawal symptons.

You've made a fantastic first step by admitting you have a problem you would like to work on. Try coming up with a realistic plan and realistic timescale and introduce small changes. Good luck.

[M22s]

I’ll reply properly after I put the little one to bed, but wanted to say well done, as I imagine that wasn’t easy to write or read back to yourself.

[Inabadway]

Thanks so much everyone for the comments above.

As Stevet50c says.... I think it's almost certainly just pure addiction, to everything really, that is the real problem.

In terms of what I'm trying to escape from....... I genuinely think it's simply from the responsibility of living up to/putting in the graft to achieve my own high goals and ambitions.

And that makes it cyclically worse..... the fact that I am constantly aware of what I should be doing for myself, but am constantly failing, and so begins the vicious circle. I think I'm completely stuck in a negative feedback loop which is spiralling out of control at an exponential rate

[Inabadway]

And thanks m22s.... really looking forward to your thoughts

[A500leroy]

You life is to good so your trying to destroy it, youll find most music and film stars do this. If you have enough money to go on a drugs binge give it to somebody who needs it instead. Go and find some homeless people to help because if you carry on the same road it could be you next.

[Sebo]

Inabadway said:

However………I’m now in my very early 30’s, and I just cannot seem to sort my life out. I get up every morning and just cannot get going. I drink probably every day. Not to excess but probably 3-4 pints a day. I smoke far too many cigarettes. I drink 8-10 strong coffees a day. Maybe once or twice a month I lock myself away on a Friday or Saturday night after coming home from the pub and have a 12 hour Cocaine and Porn binge, which takes me a week or so to recover from. I’m pretty overweight. Despite fleeting moments of intense motivation (normally after a couple of beers) I furiously write down my 12 week exercise and diet plans, set my alarm for 5am to start……. And never do. I eat so much crap. I have however gone through a few 4-6 month periods where I;ve got in the best shape of my life, and have felt fantastic. But it never lasts.

I can relate to allot of the above (not smoking) and it took me years to find out I was trying to change the way I felt, be it binge eating, binge boozing, binge using, binge shopping, binge exercising - binge fking anything TBH

All I wanted to do was not feel like I felt every-fking-day and for a few minutes / hours / days, I could feel different but unfortunately there were lots and lots of consequences and the result was massive personal impact and always a feeling of shame and regret.

Rinse-repeat

I got to a state where I begged my wife to help me, but unfortunately by this point things were hanging by a thread and she was exhausted with my st and couldn't. Thankfully I got help and over the course of a couple of years things have gotten so so much better.

As has been posted elsewhere on the thread, you have made the hardest decision already - admitting you have a problem and wanting to do something about it.

I've posted enough about myself in the above but if you want to speak to someone, I'm happy to talk with you and get into more detail about my own experiences. Failing that, there are lots of very qualified people that can help you if you ask for help.

Good luck, things can get better now you've acknowledged there is a problem and a desire for change

[SpeckledJim]

Get yourself to the doctor. I think you have depression.

I'm not a doctor though, so go and see one. Pronto pronto.

[williamp]

As others have said, well done for writing it. No one here is going to take the piss, and manynon here will offer help and advice.

Covid has been bad for everyones health- mental and physical.

Do you have a support network of friends and family. Are you able to say to them what you wrote fo us?

[gregs656]

Putting my self under pressure (mostly to satisfy what I thought was expected of me) kept me from my own happiness and it sounds like you might be doing the same to your self.

[mcelliott]

First off well done for posting, now knock the booze on the head and get yourself to the Dr.

[bitchstewie]

Can't have been easy writing that.

Two things leap to mind.

1) go see a doctor and be totally honest - men generally lie, deny, and don't like being honest about this kind of thing until it's too late

2) make really sure you use the right ID if you post again on this thread

Best of luck.

[sunbeam alpine]

As many have said, recognising the problem is the first step. Now you need to set yourself some small goals which will move you in the direction you need to go. Don't expect to get there in a couple of weeks, but take the longer-term view. Set yourself new goals as you manage to achieve the previous ones. Getting off the drugs and drink should be the first - although I recognise that this won't be easy.

Try talking with your partner about this. They must have noticed at least some of your behaviour, and it may help both of you to get through this.

I wish you well.

[pidsy]

First step complete. Well done OP.

PM’d.

Edit to add - not pm’d. Your new name doesn’t allow messages yet. PM me if u want. Dealt with similar.

[triggerhappy21]

williamp said:

Covid has been bad for everyones health- mental and physical.

+1. For the first time in my life, I've had moments recently that have made me really appreciate how quickly mental health issues can overwhelm.

Congratulations OP, what you've written above looks like a fantastic first step. Get yourself down to the Dr's.

Although you might not want to burden your Mrs, I can't imagine she'd want you suffering through this alone. I'd be very surprised if she hasn't noticed a change in you from what you've discribed.

A open discussion about seeking help could be a weight of her shoulders as well as yours.

[Mastodon2]

You don't drink to excess but have 3-4 pints a day? G+Ts just to face a 10am Zoom meeting? Cocaine binges?

Lose weight and kick the alcohol and drug addictions and you'll feel loads better. It may be tough to face, but being honest about your problems will help you immensely.

If you continually smoke, eat junk food, take drugs and drink to excess and have had problems with gambling, you may well be suffering from some sort of addictive personality disorder and probably depression too. Go and see your GP to start the treatment ball rolling, you need help so make sure you get it.

[steveT350C]

Inabadway said:

Thanks so much everyone for the comments above.

As Stevet50c says.... I think it's almost certainly just pure addiction, to everything really, that is the real problem.

In terms of what I'm trying to escape from....... I genuinely think it's simply from the responsibility of living up to/putting in the graft to achieve my own high goals and ambitions.

And that makes it cyclically worse..... the fact that I am constantly aware of what I should be doing for myself, but am constantly failing, and so begins the vicious circle. I think I'm completely stuck in a negative feedback loop which is spiralling out of control at an exponential rate

Apart from the coffee, I can assure you, I’ve lived where you are now.

I’ll admit I only heard this last week on BBC Radio6Music, but it resonated like Big Ben...

Q: What is the opposite of addiction?’
A: Connection

you are already on the right path, but please feel free to pm if you want to talk further