Self harming 11 year old daughter
Discussion
Not too sure what this is going to acheive really.
Perhaps someone knows who I can speak to, any advice, experience.
My 11 year old daughter has quad cerebral palsy in all 4 limbs. She can walk but doesn't much contol so will fall over easily. She has delayed speech, and struggles with fine motor skills. Things like using a knife and fork, drinking from a cup, writing, using an ipad, washing her self is a real struggle for her. It is heartbreaking to see.
As she is getting older she understands her differences to her peers. She is at a mainstream school with 1 2 1 help all day/week. She doesn't really have any friends.
She is very witty, funny and intelligent, when she is happy she is a joy to be around and is your best friend. She can make you cry with laughter.
What we are seeing now is her moods darken when she cannot do what she wants to do or articulate her feelings.
"I want to die"
"I want to kill myself"
Punching herself in the head, and I am afraid to say that things took a dark turn for the worse last night.
My wife walked into see her with a ruler in her hand quite clearly trying to slit her wrists. Where on earth this came from I do not know. She doesn't look at the internet, her favourite tv programmes are The chase, This morning, and she has just discivered Toy Story, so there can't be any external influences.
She is part of Southampton FC disability team, we can take her anywhere she wants, she wants for nothing and thankfully we can afford to provide anyrhing she wants or needs to make her life enjoyable and easier.
She has a loving older sister, a cocker spaniel that trys to be her friend but gets brushed off, my wife is extremely strong and intelligent so takes on a lot of the care, calming down, rationalising. I am afraid I don't do that quite as well, but I do take her out on her bike, take her out in our campervan, take her to watch Southampton every week, get her involved with mechanics and chilling out in the garage.
She wants for nothing except to be able to do what everyone else can do.
How on earth does an 11 year old girl decide to pick up a ruler and try/pretend to slit her wrists? Where the hell do we go now, I am beside myself, my wife is far more rational but bloody hell.
We are referring to a couple of mental health childrens charities, as soon as we can once cv19 blows over.
Anyway, i guess I just want to get this off my chest and see if there are any thoughts from strangers that perhaps could help.
Thanks if you are still reading.
Perhaps someone knows who I can speak to, any advice, experience.
My 11 year old daughter has quad cerebral palsy in all 4 limbs. She can walk but doesn't much contol so will fall over easily. She has delayed speech, and struggles with fine motor skills. Things like using a knife and fork, drinking from a cup, writing, using an ipad, washing her self is a real struggle for her. It is heartbreaking to see.
As she is getting older she understands her differences to her peers. She is at a mainstream school with 1 2 1 help all day/week. She doesn't really have any friends.
She is very witty, funny and intelligent, when she is happy she is a joy to be around and is your best friend. She can make you cry with laughter.
What we are seeing now is her moods darken when she cannot do what she wants to do or articulate her feelings.
"I want to die"
"I want to kill myself"
Punching herself in the head, and I am afraid to say that things took a dark turn for the worse last night.
My wife walked into see her with a ruler in her hand quite clearly trying to slit her wrists. Where on earth this came from I do not know. She doesn't look at the internet, her favourite tv programmes are The chase, This morning, and she has just discivered Toy Story, so there can't be any external influences.
She is part of Southampton FC disability team, we can take her anywhere she wants, she wants for nothing and thankfully we can afford to provide anyrhing she wants or needs to make her life enjoyable and easier.
She has a loving older sister, a cocker spaniel that trys to be her friend but gets brushed off, my wife is extremely strong and intelligent so takes on a lot of the care, calming down, rationalising. I am afraid I don't do that quite as well, but I do take her out on her bike, take her out in our campervan, take her to watch Southampton every week, get her involved with mechanics and chilling out in the garage.
She wants for nothing except to be able to do what everyone else can do.
How on earth does an 11 year old girl decide to pick up a ruler and try/pretend to slit her wrists? Where the hell do we go now, I am beside myself, my wife is far more rational but bloody hell.
We are referring to a couple of mental health childrens charities, as soon as we can once cv19 blows over.
Anyway, i guess I just want to get this off my chest and see if there are any thoughts from strangers that perhaps could help.
Thanks if you are still reading.
sir humphrey appleby said:
Not too sure what this is going to acheive really.
Perhaps someone knows who I can speak to, any advice, experience.
My 11 year old daughter has quad cerebral palsy in all 4 limbs. She can walk but doesn't much contol so will fall over easily. She has delayed speech, and struggles with fine motor skills. Things like using a knife and fork, drinking from a cup, writing, using an ipad, washing her self is a real struggle for her. It is heartbreaking to see.
As she is getting older she understands her differences to her peers. She is at a mainstream school with 1 2 1 help all day/week. She doesn't really have any friends.
She is very witty, funny and intelligent, when she is happy she is a joy to be around and is your best friend. She can make you cry with laughter.
What we are seeing now is her moods darken when she cannot do what she wants to do or articulate her feelings.
"I want to die"
"I want to kill myself"
Punching herself in the head, and I am afraid to say that things took a dark turn for the worse last night.
My wife walked into see her with a ruler in her hand quite clearly trying to slit her wrists. Where on earth this came from I do not know. She doesn't look at the internet, her favourite tv programmes are The chase, This morning, and she has just discivered Toy Story, so there can't be any external influences.
She is part of Southampton FC disability team, we can take her anywhere she wants, she wants for nothing and thankfully we can afford to provide anyrhing she wants or needs to make her life enjoyable and easier.
She has a loving older sister, a cocker spaniel that trys to be her friend but gets brushed off, my wife is extremely strong and intelligent so takes on a lot of the care, calming down, rationalising. I am afraid I don't do that quite as well, but I do take her out on her bike, take her out in our campervan, take her to watch Southampton every week, get her involved with mechanics and chilling out in the garage.
She wants for nothing except to be able to do what everyone else can do.
How on earth does an 11 year old girl decide to pick up a ruler and try/pretend to slit her wrists? Where the hell do we go now, I am beside myself, my wife is far more rational but bloody hell.
We are referring to a couple of mental health childrens charities, as soon as we can once cv19 blows over.
Anyway, i guess I just want to get this off my chest and see if there are any thoughts from strangers that perhaps could help.
Thanks if you are still reading.
I’m afraid I don’t have anything to suggest, but just wanted to say this sounds like an awful situation to be in, and that you sound like brilliant parents.Perhaps someone knows who I can speak to, any advice, experience.
My 11 year old daughter has quad cerebral palsy in all 4 limbs. She can walk but doesn't much contol so will fall over easily. She has delayed speech, and struggles with fine motor skills. Things like using a knife and fork, drinking from a cup, writing, using an ipad, washing her self is a real struggle for her. It is heartbreaking to see.
As she is getting older she understands her differences to her peers. She is at a mainstream school with 1 2 1 help all day/week. She doesn't really have any friends.
She is very witty, funny and intelligent, when she is happy she is a joy to be around and is your best friend. She can make you cry with laughter.
What we are seeing now is her moods darken when she cannot do what she wants to do or articulate her feelings.
"I want to die"
"I want to kill myself"
Punching herself in the head, and I am afraid to say that things took a dark turn for the worse last night.
My wife walked into see her with a ruler in her hand quite clearly trying to slit her wrists. Where on earth this came from I do not know. She doesn't look at the internet, her favourite tv programmes are The chase, This morning, and she has just discivered Toy Story, so there can't be any external influences.
She is part of Southampton FC disability team, we can take her anywhere she wants, she wants for nothing and thankfully we can afford to provide anyrhing she wants or needs to make her life enjoyable and easier.
She has a loving older sister, a cocker spaniel that trys to be her friend but gets brushed off, my wife is extremely strong and intelligent so takes on a lot of the care, calming down, rationalising. I am afraid I don't do that quite as well, but I do take her out on her bike, take her out in our campervan, take her to watch Southampton every week, get her involved with mechanics and chilling out in the garage.
She wants for nothing except to be able to do what everyone else can do.
How on earth does an 11 year old girl decide to pick up a ruler and try/pretend to slit her wrists? Where the hell do we go now, I am beside myself, my wife is far more rational but bloody hell.
We are referring to a couple of mental health childrens charities, as soon as we can once cv19 blows over.
Anyway, i guess I just want to get this off my chest and see if there are any thoughts from strangers that perhaps could help.
Thanks if you are still reading.
The only thing I can suggest is looking on Facebook to see if there are any groups local to you involving children in a similar situation, they tend to meet up and do days out, and she will mix with children in the same situation, she will then hopefully realise how happy they are and then this will rub off on her.
Also moving to a school that deals with children in a similar situation to her may help, whilst I understand the want to put her in a mainstream school, all this may do is reinforce her beliefs that she is not the same as other children, and cannot do what other children do, whereas if she is at school with children of similar abilities, and she sees them doing thisngs she doesnt think she can do, this may show her that the possibilities are endless.
Also moving to a school that deals with children in a similar situation to her may help, whilst I understand the want to put her in a mainstream school, all this may do is reinforce her beliefs that she is not the same as other children, and cannot do what other children do, whereas if she is at school with children of similar abilities, and she sees them doing thisngs she doesnt think she can do, this may show her that the possibilities are endless.
One thought OP, do you ever acknowledge how s
t her life must be at times, or do you and your wife try and be highly positive about her disability?
Sometimes you just need the space to able able complain that life can be just st at times...if you don't it can trigger mental health issues. It is possible to be too positive sometimes.
Forgot to add - got distracted. Even with COVID, the CMHT or children's mental health team will still be working. GP should be able to refer you.
t her life must be at times, or do you and your wife try and be highly positive about her disability? Sometimes you just need the space to able able complain that life can be just s
t at times...if you don't it can trigger mental health issues. It is possible to be too positive sometimes.Forgot to add - got distracted. Even with COVID, the CMHT or children's mental health team will still be working. GP should be able to refer you.
Edited by take-good-care-of-the-forest-dewey on Tuesday 2nd June 18:21
I have had a fair amount of experience with mental illness in my immediate and wider family. Consequently I do a bit for a superb charity my family is involved with. The whole website is worth looking through but this page - https://www.cwmt.org.uk/schools-families-resources - may be a worthwhile starting point.
I have no real insight, other than the experience of a friend of a friend with CP. He said that when he got to mainstream secondary school, 11, he was advised by someone older with CP to "own his disability". Make it a feature, and be proud of it.
His default greeting, when arriving anywhere, would be to take his crutches off his arm, stand them up, let go, and when they fell to the ground, say "they're bloody hopeless without me". Always got a huge laugh, and he was always popular. Did ok with the ladies too!
You're daughter is 11. 11 year olds want to not stand out, just be one of the crowd. She does stand out, and that ain't going to change, so she needs to find a way to stand out in a good way. And properly stand out. Don't try and blend in when you can't.
This is my advice, a middle aged bloke with no disabilities, so feel free to ignore me. I really don't know anything at all.
Good luck though.
His default greeting, when arriving anywhere, would be to take his crutches off his arm, stand them up, let go, and when they fell to the ground, say "they're bloody hopeless without me". Always got a huge laugh, and he was always popular. Did ok with the ladies too!
You're daughter is 11. 11 year olds want to not stand out, just be one of the crowd. She does stand out, and that ain't going to change, so she needs to find a way to stand out in a good way. And properly stand out. Don't try and blend in when you can't.
This is my advice, a middle aged bloke with no disabilities, so feel free to ignore me. I really don't know anything at all.
Good luck though.
It sounds absolutely awful and sounds like she's lucky to have parents like you, well done
NHS for some help with her mental health for sure, IAPT or the crisis team, I'd imagine Google is your friend here (to get contact details, not to try and diagnose!)
Is she into cars/racing? Nick Hamilton has cerebral palsy and is a thoroughly nice guy, maybe worth trying to tweet him and see if he'd write her an email?
I know if I were you I'd want to do something, even though it sounds like you're doing great you might like to read "How to talk so teens will listen", just to give yourself some satisfaction
NHS for some help with her mental health for sure, IAPT or the crisis team, I'd imagine Google is your friend here (to get contact details, not to try and diagnose!)
Is she into cars/racing? Nick Hamilton has cerebral palsy and is a thoroughly nice guy, maybe worth trying to tweet him and see if he'd write her an email?
I know if I were you I'd want to do something, even though it sounds like you're doing great you might like to read "How to talk so teens will listen", just to give yourself some satisfaction
My wife uses cutting as a coping mechanism and has been all the way to the bottom a number of times, so I feel your pain though I imagine yours is far more intense being your child.
I found listening, and just listening, rather than trying to explain or to understand helped both of us best. Sometimes it’s best to recognise the feelings for what they are and not try to suggest a counter to that feeling.
It’s just as important you and your wife get support from mental health services, as well as your daughter.
You have to remember that self harm is a symptom, a coping mechanism, not an illness.
Using what ever communication she finds easiest, get her to share her feelings. If she can record it or is able to type for example. There is likely feelings and experiences you are totally unaware of.
You also need to consider how to make her environment safe. That doesn’t mean removing anything she can harm herself with, as bluntly, if she wants to, she will find a way but you can manage temptation and ease of access. Putting knives & scissors in draws for example, rather than being in plain sight. Limit access to medication, loosen door handles, coat hooks etc so they would break off under a persons body weight. I would strongly recommend not just taking things away as this may seem like a punishment.
I know this is a really scary time but you and your family can get through this. You will in time, recognise warning signs, triggers and tells.
Thoughts are with you, Chap.
I found listening, and just listening, rather than trying to explain or to understand helped both of us best. Sometimes it’s best to recognise the feelings for what they are and not try to suggest a counter to that feeling.
It’s just as important you and your wife get support from mental health services, as well as your daughter.
You have to remember that self harm is a symptom, a coping mechanism, not an illness.
Using what ever communication she finds easiest, get her to share her feelings. If she can record it or is able to type for example. There is likely feelings and experiences you are totally unaware of.
You also need to consider how to make her environment safe. That doesn’t mean removing anything she can harm herself with, as bluntly, if she wants to, she will find a way but you can manage temptation and ease of access. Putting knives & scissors in draws for example, rather than being in plain sight. Limit access to medication, loosen door handles, coat hooks etc so they would break off under a persons body weight. I would strongly recommend not just taking things away as this may seem like a punishment.
I know this is a really scary time but you and your family can get through this. You will in time, recognise warning signs, triggers and tells.
Thoughts are with you, Chap.
Edited by M22s on Tuesday 2nd June 16:16
I'd largely echo what M22s said, certainly in terms of listen and acknowledge how she feels, and that it is st, and don't just try to counter or suggest solutions.
My experience is limited to an 8 year relationship with a self harming and suicidal partner, so obviously not in the same boat as being your child (I also have no children), but personally I found researching about depression and "what to say to a depressed person" / "What not to say" etc. helpful in giving me insight in to their perspective / state of mind, as it is so wildly different to that of a brain that isn't ill, that it is extremely difficult to comprehend without deliberate effort (in my experience).
Also, and something which I didn't do, get support for yourself (and wife) too, I cannot understress how important this is, because you are in an extremely hard situation that will take a toll on you, and you will be better support if you are as healthy as possible.
As also mentioned, the self harm is a symptom and not the illness, speak to her about why she wants to die, you will not put the idea in her head by talking about it, acknowledge it and try to understand it, it will demonstrate you take her situation and feelings seriously and talking about things always helps.
I would assume as opposed to wanting to die, she simply doesn't want to continue to feel the way she does, and sees death as the only chance to stop feeling that way.
Sincerely all the best, it sounds like a very hard situation for all of you
t, and don't just try to counter or suggest solutions.My experience is limited to an 8 year relationship with a self harming and suicidal partner, so obviously not in the same boat as being your child (I also have no children), but personally I found researching about depression and "what to say to a depressed person" / "What not to say" etc. helpful in giving me insight in to their perspective / state of mind, as it is so wildly different to that of a brain that isn't ill, that it is extremely difficult to comprehend without deliberate effort (in my experience).
Also, and something which I didn't do, get support for yourself (and wife) too, I cannot understress how important this is, because you are in an extremely hard situation that will take a toll on you, and you will be better support if you are as healthy as possible.
As also mentioned, the self harm is a symptom and not the illness, speak to her about why she wants to die, you will not put the idea in her head by talking about it, acknowledge it and try to understand it, it will demonstrate you take her situation and feelings seriously and talking about things always helps.
I would assume as opposed to wanting to die, she simply doesn't want to continue to feel the way she does, and sees death as the only chance to stop feeling that way.
Sincerely all the best, it sounds like a very hard situation for all of you
thanks everyone, I feel that we are doing everything that we possibly can, we have hundreds of books, we have been on courses.
She is due to change school shortly into a more specialised setting that may assist.
Perhaps we are at fault for really pushing her into a more mainstream environment, we thought this would be better for her,as she never saw herself as disabled.
Now she does understand, we may have caused more distress than we were attempting to avoid.
Anyways, thanks for your comments and chance to vent, I havn't anyone else!
She is due to change school shortly into a more specialised setting that may assist.
Perhaps we are at fault for really pushing her into a more mainstream environment, we thought this would be better for her,as she never saw herself as disabled.
Now she does understand, we may have caused more distress than we were attempting to avoid.
Anyways, thanks for your comments and chance to vent, I havn't anyone else!
sir humphrey appleby said:
thanks everyone, I feel that we are doing everything that we possibly can, we have hundreds of books, we have been on courses.
She is due to change school shortly into a more specialised setting that may assist.
Perhaps we are at fault for really pushing her into a more mainstream environment, we thought this would be better for her,as she never saw herself as disabled.
Now she does understand, we may have caused more distress than we were attempting to avoid.
Anyways, thanks for your comments and chance to vent, I havn't anyone else!
Sir HA - do not blame yourselves, you did what you felt was best for her at the time, things have changed, she may need something different now and you will again choose what is best for her. She is due to change school shortly into a more specialised setting that may assist.
Perhaps we are at fault for really pushing her into a more mainstream environment, we thought this would be better for her,as she never saw herself as disabled.
Now she does understand, we may have caused more distress than we were attempting to avoid.
Anyways, thanks for your comments and chance to vent, I havn't anyone else!
Head up and keep looking forward, Chap.
Awful situation op. Sounds like you are great caring parents.
I believe that CAMHS is possibly the service you need to get registered with. Gp or hospital should be able to make the referral.
As others have said finding some support groups for you all is a good idea too. The best understanding & advice usually comes from others in the same position.
Very best of luck.
I believe that CAMHS is possibly the service you need to get registered with. Gp or hospital should be able to make the referral.
As others have said finding some support groups for you all is a good idea too. The best understanding & advice usually comes from others in the same position.
Very best of luck.
sir humphrey appleby said:
thanks everyone, I feel that we are doing everything that we possibly can, we have hundreds of books, we have been on courses.
She is due to change school shortly into a more specialised setting that may assist.
Perhaps we are at fault for really pushing her into a more mainstream environment, we thought this would be better for her,as she never saw herself as disabled.
Now she does understand, we may have caused more distress than we were attempting to avoid.
Anyways, thanks for your comments and chance to vent, I havn't anyone else!
I have a son with Down's Syndrome who is the same age as your daughter. He was at a mainstream school until recently, and although they did a fantastic job with his education, the main reason for moving him to a special school was for social reasons.She is due to change school shortly into a more specialised setting that may assist.
Perhaps we are at fault for really pushing her into a more mainstream environment, we thought this would be better for her,as she never saw herself as disabled.
Now she does understand, we may have caused more distress than we were attempting to avoid.
Anyways, thanks for your comments and chance to vent, I havn't anyone else!
Realistically, it's doubtful that his friends at the mainstream school, are going to be there for him as a teenager.
You didn't mention if you had made friends with any other special needs families? Perhaps contact a local support group? It can really be helpful to know other people who are in the same situation.
I decided to reply to this thread as I also have cerebral palsy and am now 36. however not quite as bad as your 11 year old OP. My arms and hands work okish but walking is my problem. I stand like a skier ready to set off down a slope! If you know of nick Hamilton, and have seen him walking, then I’m affected pretty much the same as he is.
I went to a mainstream primary school and got bullied something terrible by quite a few pupils. The teachers didn’t really know what to do about it at the time especially since a few of them were the main school bullies with rough families and upbringings. I got through that and went to a main stream secondary school bar the fact it had a lift. I had to have physio at break times, so while my friends were on the field enjoying themselves, I was in the medical room being pulled from pillar to post.
Having mrs now with kids from a previous relationship and the eldest was 12 yesterday, I have come to realise at this age, absolutely everything is about fitting in with your peers. He has to have everything from JD sports, specific trainers, an iPhone, AirPods the lot. If you don’t fit in at this age, you get bullied. Only yesterday did I find out the eldest was getting bullied over the Xbox by some of his school “mates” due to him being a little podgier around the waist!
Maybe at 11, yours is just finding out she is permanently different and doesn’t fit in 100% with her peers, especially being at a mainstream school where the majority of people are able bodied, she maybe sees herself as the alien and not fitting in at all. Super hard at this age and my heart goes out to her.
Life does get easier as you get older. I was never one for keeping up with fashions and trends in school so I didn’t feel affected in that way but maybe she does
I’d certainly get her some help. I have learnt to embrace it but I’m pretty lucky in that I lead as normal life as possible, however I was a late starter with the ladies and I didn’t get my first girlfriend until about 5 years ago And since then I have suffered with anxiety when out and about, I feel like everyone is looking at us, or more specifically my mrs and wondering what she’s doing with me. It can be hard when out and about as people do stare and judge which has left me quite edgy sometimes and I sometimes get a flight or fight thing inside when I’m out and about where I just can’t wait to get home.
I’ll get over it I’m sure, but school life was pretty hard for me. It didn’t leave any lasting effect on me and I hope she gets the help she needs 🙂
I went to a mainstream primary school and got bullied something terrible by quite a few pupils. The teachers didn’t really know what to do about it at the time especially since a few of them were the main school bullies with rough families and upbringings. I got through that and went to a main stream secondary school bar the fact it had a lift. I had to have physio at break times, so while my friends were on the field enjoying themselves, I was in the medical room being pulled from pillar to post.
Having mrs now with kids from a previous relationship and the eldest was 12 yesterday, I have come to realise at this age, absolutely everything is about fitting in with your peers. He has to have everything from JD sports, specific trainers, an iPhone, AirPods the lot. If you don’t fit in at this age, you get bullied. Only yesterday did I find out the eldest was getting bullied over the Xbox by some of his school “mates” due to him being a little podgier around the waist!
Maybe at 11, yours is just finding out she is permanently different and doesn’t fit in 100% with her peers, especially being at a mainstream school where the majority of people are able bodied, she maybe sees herself as the alien and not fitting in at all. Super hard at this age and my heart goes out to her.
Life does get easier as you get older. I was never one for keeping up with fashions and trends in school so I didn’t feel affected in that way but maybe she does
I’d certainly get her some help. I have learnt to embrace it but I’m pretty lucky in that I lead as normal life as possible, however I was a late starter with the ladies and I didn’t get my first girlfriend until about 5 years ago And since then I have suffered with anxiety when out and about, I feel like everyone is looking at us, or more specifically my mrs and wondering what she’s doing with me. It can be hard when out and about as people do stare and judge which has left me quite edgy sometimes and I sometimes get a flight or fight thing inside when I’m out and about where I just can’t wait to get home.
I’ll get over it I’m sure, but school life was pretty hard for me. It didn’t leave any lasting effect on me and I hope she gets the help she needs 🙂
There is alot of help in place via NHS and charities.
Go the official route via GP but don't hesitate to contact the charities as geared up to support you as well for self-harm.
https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/self-harm/getting-he...
Given the context it might be worth contacting these too as maybe able to signpost to a suitable organisation for your circumstances.
https://www.cerebralpalsy.org.uk/contact-us.html and if can get peer support even better so she can related to them.
Remember it's a coping mechanism so need to understand what it is she is dealing with, rather than asking why the self-harm (others use drugs, alcohol etc), acknowledge it but focus on the drivers. Been through the self-harm with someone close and they felt guilty/ ashamed of the harm tried to keep it secret as one of their elements of "control", hence focus on the drivers not the symptoms.
Thoughts are with you, take care.
Go the official route via GP but don't hesitate to contact the charities as geared up to support you as well for self-harm.
https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/self-harm/getting-he...
Given the context it might be worth contacting these too as maybe able to signpost to a suitable organisation for your circumstances.
https://www.cerebralpalsy.org.uk/contact-us.html and if can get peer support even better so she can related to them.
Remember it's a coping mechanism so need to understand what it is she is dealing with, rather than asking why the self-harm (others use drugs, alcohol etc), acknowledge it but focus on the drivers. Been through the self-harm with someone close and they felt guilty/ ashamed of the harm tried to keep it secret as one of their elements of "control", hence focus on the drivers not the symptoms.
Thoughts are with you, take care.
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