Anxiety and agoraphobia hell

[Findthegrip]

Hi guys using a different login for this and I’ll try and keep this brief.

I’ve suffered with anxiety and agoraphobia since I had a huge panic attack on a tube train at the age of 30, I’m now in my mid 40’s.

In the past I have dealt with it using a mixture of anti depressants and alcohol. Things came to a head this time last year when I had a mental breakdown. My Gf at the time helped me through it and since then I’ve not had a drink and have kept fit healthy. My Gf couldn’t cope and we have split up and the only things that have kept me going are my 9 year old son and my business.

I have tried hypnotherapy and am also seeing a counsellor. I am a positive person but the fact I cannot even walk around the block without freaking out is really bringing me down. I feel like I am in a prison and it’s so crazy as it’s all in my head and just a mental block, I over think everything.

I can go out in my car, not far from home but only if I am on my own, I can’t even have my son in the car with me. I should also say I can walk around the block if I take 2 x lorazepam which tells me it’s all just mental.

I am totally sick of being in this prison and want to escape, I find it mentally draining, I want to meet a new girlfriend and want to take my son on holiday, I’m determined not to revert to booze to help me through.

I really am at my wits end of how to deal with this now and it is totally ruining my life and I don’t want to go another year feeling like this.

So I guess I am asking if anyone else has been through something similar and if so how did you snap out of it. Or can anyone recommend anyone who maybe able to help. My counsellor is great and has helped me deal with the loss off my gf and his advice is to normalise things but when I freak out trying to walk around the block it is like one step forward and 5 steps back.

[NoVetec]

Definitely a good idea to cut down/stop the alcohol. It can do an insidiously good job at seeming like it helps anxiety but it only really makes it worse. The book Alcohol Explained explains the reasons why in an easy-to-read manner.

How were your anxiety levels and general mental health before the panic attack? Might be earlier life experiences/events that ultimately led to where you are today in that regard. Psychotherapy may be an avenue to pursue.

You could try some self exposure therapy and start to walk just that little further a day, just a little further on a drive etc and see how you get on. I'm no professional though! There are a few posters who work in the various fields relating to MH hopefully they'll see this thread.

Best wishes.

[Findthegrip]

Thank you for the reply.... I didn’t have a care in the world before the initial panic attack, I think I just dwelled on it and created the monster it has become. Also refused to seek help at the time, that was clearly a bad idea.
I am having psychotherapy and he is pushing me to go further each day, however each day I do that I flip out and end back at square one.

[xjay1337]

Have you explored what caused the original panic attack and looked at trying to resolve the "root cause" of that?

[Findthegrip]

Yes I have I think it was two fold, I had recently split up with the love of my life and as a consequence of that was burning the candle at both ends...late boozy nights out, no drugs involved and early starts for work.

[xjay1337]

Step 1) Stop drinking completely
Step 2) Find some sort of hobby you can do in your spare time. Video games. Get a dog (if you're not always away for work). Drawing. get balls deep into a Netflix progamme
Step 3) take your time and don't rush yourself.

[Findthegrip]

Thanks for this.
I have stopped drinking completely since last year, that in its self has made me feel more positive.
I did buy a technical Lego Chiron to build over Christmas, that did help, I did get a dog but I couldn’t walk it so felt so sorry for it I let me ex have it. Again I do find Netflix great escapism!
As for taking my time I feel I am going so slowly I am almost going backwards, I just felt I would be in a much better place after a year.
I just really want to be normal again!

[NoVetec]

Was the tube packed with people when you had the panic attack?

[Ayahuasca]

This happened to my son. Perfectly OK anxiety-wise until a massive panic attack brought on by a single incident. Since then has been almost unable to go outside, suffers intense anxiety and agoraphobia. It is a very real thing. Not sure what to suggest, except that alcohol probably not a good idea. Best wishes.

[Getragdogleg]

Are you tied to a particular location? It could be that a move to pastures new might help.

A change of scene, take you away from any local triggers to your anxiety.

[Findthegrip]

NoVetec said:

Was the tube packed with people when you had the panic attack?

No it was quite quiet....I had a long drive to Highgate to get on the tube 4hrs rather than the usual 2hrs and was very tired. I hopped on the tube and was in a world of my own, eyeing up the girl opposite me! Then mid station the driver came on the tannoy to say there was a problem and he didn’t know how long we would be stuck in the tube....and that was it, I was off into a major panic attack with no escape, I’ve never felt so trapped in all my life....I genuinely thought I was going to wet myself!
In fact the train was only stationary for 10mins but that was enough, I got off at the next stop Camden Town and has a beer and wondered what the hell had just happened to me.....

[Drezza]

Sorry to hear that, have you tried exercising outside? Maybe drive to some woods and go for a run where you're not likely to encounter anyone.

I always feel so much better after a run or playing football especially if I've been sat inside all day. Apologies if that's a bit of a mental health cliche but I've found it to really help personally.

[Findthegrip]

Drezza said:

Sorry to hear that, have you tried exercising outside? Maybe drive to some woods and go for a run where you're not likely to encounter anyone.

I always feel so much better after a run or playing football especially if I've been sat inside all day. Apologies if that's a bit of a mental health cliche but I've found it to really help personally.

Well I have been exercising in my gym at home, I used to love cycling so now I have a smart trainer but obviously that stays at home, I would love to be able to go out cycling again in the real world.

[Findthegrip]

Getragdogleg said:

Are you tied to a particular location? It could be that a move to pastures new might help.

A change of scene, take you away from any local triggers to your anxiety.

My business is tied to where I’m based and also my son when he is not with live lives close by with his mum so I cannot really move unfortunately

[Ayahuasca]

Findthegrip said:

NoVetec said:

Was the tube packed with people when you had the panic attack?

No it was quite quiet....I had a long drive to Highgate to get on the tube 4hrs rather than the usual 2hrs and was very tired. I hopped on the tube and was in a world of my own, eyeing up the girl opposite me! Then mid station the driver came on the tannoy to say there was a problem and he didn’t know how long we would be stuck in the tube....and that was it, I was off into a major panic attack with no escape, I’ve never felt so trapped in all my life....I genuinely thought I was going to wet myself!
In fact the train was only stationary for 10mins but that was enough, I got off at the next stop Camden Town and has a beer and wondered what the hell had just happened to me.....

I can relate to that. Had a similar incident on a plane and the effects lasted a few months.

Have you thought that, on the train, if you wanted you could have calmly walked to the back, got out, and walked along the track to the station? You were never trapped or stuck at all. It was always in your power to get out.

Also, there would be a board somewhere displaying the train’s position, people would know exactly where it was and what they needed to do to get it going again. It was never ‘stuck’.

I used to tell myself stuff like this (for my incident) and it helped a lot.

[xjay1337]

Findthegrip said:

Drezza said:

Sorry to hear that, have you tried exercising outside? Maybe drive to some woods and go for a run where you're not likely to encounter anyone.

I always feel so much better after a run or playing football especially if I've been sat inside all day. Apologies if that's a bit of a mental health cliche but I've found it to really help personally.

Well I have been exercising in my gym at home, I used to love cycling so now I have a smart trainer but obviously that stays at home, I would love to be able to go out cycling again in the real world.

Do you have a close friend who can help you go out? As a sort of "kick up the bum" to not go back home?

For example if you're out and about on your bike outside, what do you feel? What are you worried of happening?
If you can start getting to a point where you can cycle about freely that would be awesome?

[Drezza]

Findthegrip said:

Well I have been exercising in my gym at home, I used to love cycling so now I have a smart trainer but obviously that stays at home, I would love to be able to go out cycling again in the real world.

Have you tried cycling recently? Perfect time to be out with the nice weather and quiet roads in the countryside, even if you have to force yourself out it should be beneficial.

I find I have to force myself out through lack of motivation, but then once I'm out I don't mind.

[NoVetec]

Ayahuasca said:

Findthegrip said:

NoVetec said:

Was the tube packed with people when you had the panic attack?

No it was quite quiet....I had a long drive to Highgate to get on the tube 4hrs rather than the usual 2hrs and was very tired. I hopped on the tube and was in a world of my own, eyeing up the girl opposite me! Then mid station the driver came on the tannoy to say there was a problem and he didn’t know how long we would be stuck in the tube....and that was it, I was off into a major panic attack with no escape, I’ve never felt so trapped in all my life....I genuinely thought I was going to wet myself!
In fact the train was only stationary for 10mins but that was enough, I got off at the next stop Camden Town and has a beer and wondered what the hell had just happened to me.....

I can relate to that. Had a similar incident on a plane and the effects lasted a few months.

Have you thought that, on the train, if you wanted you could have calmly walked to the back, got out, and walked along the track to the station? You were never trapped or stuck at all. It was always in your power to get out.

Also, there would be a board somewhere displaying the train’s position, people would know exactly where it was and what they needed to do to get it going again. It was never ‘stuck’.

I used to tell myself stuff like this (for my incident) and it helped a lot.

Similar here. Planes including being sat on them delayed for a while I'm fine with, but trains stopped for too long makes me stressed out. Day-to-day I'm calm and largely anxiety-free providing I avoid excess booze. Assume it's a lack of control thing.

[Drezza]

I remember once when I was about 17 having a panic attack in the middle of town, purely because I had my motorcycle leather jacket on in the middle of summer when everyone was in a T shirt and shorts thinking I looked ridiculous. They really can happen for the most mundane, stupid and irrational reasons but for some reason our brains go into fight or flight mode.

[Findthegrip]

xjay1337 said:

Do you have a close friend who can help you go out? As a sort of "kick up the bum" to not go back home?

For example if you're out and about on your bike outside, what do you feel? What are you worried of happening?
If you can start getting to a point where you can cycle about freely that would be awesome?

I would be totally awesome to be out on the bike, trouble is I always feel raised anxiety when I am with people as I’m always expecting the panic to happen and when it does it’s awful.
It’s a feeling of not being able to get home, almost stuck in time, I cannot got forward and cannot go back, it is the most odd sensation and my head starts to spin. My therapist has told me to stop and breathe but I’m in such a panic to get home I cannot do that and the more I think about breathing the worse it gets, particularly as at this point I am into a sprint to get home.