Marriage is great, except no sex
Discussion
edit: title should read "marriage is great, except no sex"
I (40M) have been married for 7 years, first met my wife (45) 10 years ago. We have not had sex since the conception of our youngest daughter who will be 5 in July this year.
We love each other. We are romantic together. I am aroused by her. She is not aroused by me. Previously, sex would always have to be initiated by her. If I attempted it would always fail which was always in contrast to my previous relationships. Her arousal was always a bit intermittent and somewhat infrequent - not as much as I would have preferred but enough. To be clear, physical satisfaction on just my part is insufficient. I need her to be aroused and satisfied by me.
Life with children, taking her from her previous career, and starting our own business together has not been easy at all, but we are succeeding together.
I get that children can f
k with a woman's libido. I get that her apparent menopause is likely a massive factor. But no sex has been like holding my breath under water - manageable for quite a while, then a bit uncomfortable, and now suddenly it feels like a fight for survival. I cry every day.
We talk and my wife seems to care about how I feel, but does a fish really care about someone who can't breath underwater? (i.e. can anyone really care about something they don't need?).
I can't find a solution to this. Please help.
I (40M) have been married for 7 years, first met my wife (45) 10 years ago. We have not had sex since the conception of our youngest daughter who will be 5 in July this year.
We love each other. We are romantic together. I am aroused by her. She is not aroused by me. Previously, sex would always have to be initiated by her. If I attempted it would always fail which was always in contrast to my previous relationships. Her arousal was always a bit intermittent and somewhat infrequent - not as much as I would have preferred but enough. To be clear, physical satisfaction on just my part is insufficient. I need her to be aroused and satisfied by me.
Life with children, taking her from her previous career, and starting our own business together has not been easy at all, but we are succeeding together.
I get that children can f
k with a woman's libido. I get that her apparent menopause is likely a massive factor. But no sex has been like holding my breath under water - manageable for quite a while, then a bit uncomfortable, and now suddenly it feels like a fight for survival. I cry every day.We talk and my wife seems to care about how I feel, but does a fish really care about someone who can't breath underwater? (i.e. can anyone really care about something they don't need?).
I can't find a solution to this. Please help.
Edited by throwaway20200329 on Saturday 11th April 16:30
I don't think there is a solution, you just need to accept it, some people have a high sex drive and some people none.
This is why so many people have affairs.
Even worse would be for her to have to have sex with you when she didn't want to...she would just grow to resent you.
No doubt people will come on saying "she's got another bloke".........The standard PH answer.....
This is why so many people have affairs.
Even worse would be for her to have to have sex with you when she didn't want to...she would just grow to resent you.
No doubt people will come on saying "she's got another bloke".........The standard PH answer.....
Maybe she is not a “sexual” person and lives quite happy like that. Perhaps has you never initiated it before she lost interest and initiated not for sexual pleasure but to have a child.
I think you are a bit stuck either both of you try it to rebuild that lost libido or you will never get it again as she is closing to menopause. Should be enjoyable for both but tricky one I guess.
I think you are a bit stuck either both of you try it to rebuild that lost libido or you will never get it again as she is closing to menopause. Should be enjoyable for both but tricky one I guess.
How long would she stay with you if you refused to give her any of you attention and affection I wonder, would she stay 5 years?
This situation is cheating the marriage contract as you are expected to stay faithful to her but she doesn’t have to sleep with you.
My advice would be explain how you feel and tell her you can’t live in a sexless marriage. If she values you and the marriage she will at least try to sort things out. If she won’t budge then you have a difficult choice, live your life celibate or divorce her.
You can’t change other people and it’s wrong to try to force change, they have to want to change themselves. But on the flip side real power is having control over your own live and choices not others, you don’t have to stay.
This situation is cheating the marriage contract as you are expected to stay faithful to her but she doesn’t have to sleep with you.
My advice would be explain how you feel and tell her you can’t live in a sexless marriage. If she values you and the marriage she will at least try to sort things out. If she won’t budge then you have a difficult choice, live your life celibate or divorce her.
You can’t change other people and it’s wrong to try to force change, they have to want to change themselves. But on the flip side real power is having control over your own live and choices not others, you don’t have to stay.
I think it becomes a self perpetuating cycle unfortunately, they lose interest, we start to crave it more and give off an underlying air of desperation which puts women off even more. At least thats how my marriage ended up! Maybe what other posters have said about seeing the doctor might help, or maybe some kind of sex counselling? Good luck OP, i have felt your pain
CATstrangler said:
Get professional help as soon as you can. Don't leave it to become a festering sore. And FFS don't listen to any advice on PH.
(Man 63, wife 77. No sex for 18 years. Finally I got used to it - don't let it happen to you and your lady).
You should change your ph name to ChickenChoker. (Man 63, wife 77. No sex for 18 years. Finally I got used to it - don't let it happen to you and your lady).
Try and tackle it together and I would recomend you go and see a sex therapist together. If you get professional help together you will have a much better chance of success. Some relationship councillors specialise in sex therapy as part of their offering.
Edited by C4ME on Saturday 11th April 20:01
As mentioned, see a doc and don’t be surprised if testosterone comes in to play.
If your wife wants to make you happy then she will see it’s a problem for you and want to resolve it . If she’s not a ‘sex person’, which you’d know because you know what’s she’s been like previously, then it’s a different problem. I had a girlfriend who was a complete nymph and bit of a pervert, we had a great sex life but like this, it stopped after a few years. She saw a doc and was given Testogel and thyroxine. Within a few days she felt more human with more energy. Shortly after that, I woke up one night and she was trying to wear me like a fking glove puppet!!
It’s amazing what a few tweaks to the system can do!!
If your wife wants to make you happy then she will see it’s a problem for you and want to resolve it . If she’s not a ‘sex person’, which you’d know because you know what’s she’s been like previously, then it’s a different problem. I had a girlfriend who was a complete nymph and bit of a pervert, we had a great sex life but like this, it stopped after a few years. She saw a doc and was given Testogel and thyroxine. Within a few days she felt more human with more energy. Shortly after that, I woke up one night and she was trying to wear me like a f
king glove puppet!! It’s amazing what a few tweaks to the system can do!!
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