The Menopause

[Biker 1]

I'm starting this thread at the suggestion of PH as I do not want to hijack the other thread.

Shortly after last Xmas, Mrs B sat me down out of the blue & said she didn't love me anymore & wants out, including half the house etc. She's in her late 40's & has displayed many of the classic signs of the 'perimenopause', the bit leading up to not having periods no more. Massive mood swings, sleep patterns all over the place, glamming herself up all over instatt & facett, & the worst bit: being the life & soul of the party when going out, then being an utter moody bh when we got home.
I pleaded with her to try HRT, joint counselling etc, but she's been in total denial & claims she has no issues & refuses to even see her GP... However, she did agree to not leave immediately & to give us a chance.
Now its all come to a head. She's off on Monday with her clothes & stuff, to live as a lodger in some grotty flat.
I'm heartbroken. Its been a reasonably happy marriage for over 25 years, then this.
The next step is probably divvying up the house, savings, stuff, & for what?????????

[HTP99]

So sorry to hear.

A similar thing has happened to my colleague with his wife, they are now going through the final bits of divorce, she turned into a fking nightmare and is a complete and utter bh towards him, the kids can't stand her due to the way that she a) talks about and too him and b) the way she talks to them, the atmosphere in the main house is awful.

He moved out over a year ago; lodging with a friend.

Whenever he mentioned to her about the menopause and maybe taking medical advice; she admitted to his daughter that she was going through it but would talk to him about it, she would clam up and deny it and would say it wasn't an issue.

The same thing and pattern happened with her mother.

The sad thing is she is also turning her kids against her.

[Biker 1]

Bloody hell - at least my kids have flown the nest!! It just seems so pointless - I'm sure that after a month or two of living in a rented bedroom, she'll suddenly realise how good she had things & maybe want to return. I'm probably clutching at straws as I still haven't really taken in the enormity of what is happening. I keep thinking it's a bad dream that I'll wake up from & everything will be back to normal...
I read somewhere that divorce rates in the over 50's is much higher than other age groups.

[Swampy1982]

My friend just went through a similar thing but the other way around. The only real bit of advise i can give you based on his experience

1) stay as amicable as you possibly can, otherwise its only the lawyers that win

2) try to remain pragmatic, at least publically, cry in private or with friends but start writing lists of things that need to be done. Dont focus on maybe's.

3) find someone you trust to talk to, your going through a form of grief

4) change your routines if you can, itll help find the new "normal"

Sorry your going through this, its st, take each day as it comes and try to find a reason to smile once a day.

[anonymous-user]

This sounds more like a female mid life crisis to me, worrying about her fading looks and thinking the grass is greener. The whole glamming herself up when she goes out is an attempt at attention and I suspect she would have got some from other men. Unfortunately I suspect she believed all the rubbish they told her and she looks back at you and thinks "Why am I with Biker 1 and our mundane life when all these exciting guys are interested in me?"

Unfortunately the reality is everyone has a pretty ordinary life when the honeymoon period wears off and none of these guys would actually be interested in taking her on if she was single.

Her mind is made up, she has checked out of the marriage a while ago and all she can think about is the exciting new life she thinks is in store for her.

Biker 1 said:

The next step is probably divvying up the house, savings, stuff, & for what?????????

For nothing I suspect, when reality hits and she realises there isn't a line of exciting men waiting for her she will realise this, but it will be too late by then.

[anonymous-user]

This sounds nothing like the menopause, it’s just a woman who’s had enough of her existing life I’m afraid.

[alfie2244]

Let's hope she don't turn into the raving bonkers woman scorned when she realises she's fooked up but you have moved on with your life and met someone that "does" want to be with you.

[Biker 1]

Thanks for the replies - it's early days & I'm probably clutching at straws, but I'd love it she came back & hit the 'reset button' through counselling or whatever.
Midlife crisis/hormonal or a combination - it makes little difference what the definition is. But yeah, suddenly being 'admired' by others, I'm sure has somehow made her want a new & exciting life. I wonder how long it will take to realise that renting a room in someone else's house & having no money will make her wonder WTF she's doing.

[456mgt]

Think the other posters have it diagnosed correctly I'm afraid, and it mirrors my own experience. It almost certainly is a mid life crisis and menopause nature's (cruel) way of reminding a woman that she's getting on a bit. I wish you the best of luck.

[jshell]

Joey Deacon said:

For nothing I suspect, when reality hits and she realises there isn't a line of exciting men waiting for her she will realise this, but it will be too late by then.

Happened to a family member. Loads of attention from guys when married, comepletely dried up when they all found that she ditched her hubby. String of failed relationships after that. Sad but avoidable.

[anonymous-user]

Whenever my friends have got divorced the first stage was always them saying their wife had gone mad or something similar. I think it helps us understand what’s happening.

It s terrible situation, just don’t rush into anything. I expect there’s practical steps you need to take assuming that you do end up getting divorced though and PHers will be able to advise you on those.

I would maybe try for some kind of couples therapy etc if possible but it looks like it’s going to be grim for some time.

Whatever happens though it will get better.

[Biker 1]

Thanks as ever for replies.
Its been a truly st few days. Empty house, very hard to concentrate at work, crap sleep, etc. etc.....
Family are being very supportive, but they will obviously need to look after their own affairs sooner or later.
Will she come back???? Too early to say, but if she does, we will need to go through the mother of all counseling sessions.

[anonymous-user]

Biker 1 said:

Thanks as ever for replies.
Its been a truly st few days. Empty house, very hard to concentrate at work, crap sleep, etc. etc.....

If you are anything like I was you will be in total fight or flight mode at the moment, constantly feeling sick and unable to sleep or eat anything. First of all you need to look after your self, try and eat anything you can, for the first few months I had no appetite at all and was pretty much living on chocolate bars.

When it got to much for me I would literally walk for miles, I would go out for hours walking randomly until it got to the point where I had had enough and I would then turn around and walk back home. I also used to take St Johns Wart, now I am the most cynical herbal remedy person ever but it definitely took the edge off, even if it was a placebo.

Secondly I know you will be unable to sleep, but don't lie awake running through every mistake you thought you made in your marriage and how you could have done things differently. Also don't lie there imagining what she is up to or who she is seeing or talking to as this will destroy you. Trust me, her life is a lot more boring than you might imagine right now.

Biker 1 said:

Will she come back???? Too early to say, but if she does, we will need to go through the mother of all counseling sessions.

Only you can decide if you want her back, but nothing you can say or do will change her mind right now. I know it is hard and I am sure you want to talk to her and message her but don't. If you really want her back then the best thing to do is to act as if you are really not that bothered. Nothing turns a woman off more than desperation so you need to make her think that you can cope perfectly well without her.

Oh and I know it is a cliche and it doesn't seem like it now but things will get better, just don't expect them to get better quickly. For me at the start it was like being surrounded by a fog that lifted so gradually that I didn't even realise it was happening. Then one day you just realise that you haven't thought about her for a while and that everything is actually going to be OK.

[Biker 1]

Joey Deacon said:

.... everything is actually going to be OK.

Sound words, including the rest of your post! Family & friends have pretty much said the same thing regarding not messaging etc.
Watch this space....

[bigdog3]

Biker 1 said:

Will she come back???? Too early to say, but if she does, we will need to go through the mother of all counseling sessions.

Don't even consider her coming back. You might get a temporary reprieve but the same old issues will still arise and fester.

When a woman has made the change/transformation to post-menopausal attitude, there is no return to the good old days - they are gone forever. Don't waste any more time, give up on her and move on

[Gargamel]

alfie2244 said:

Let's hope she don't turn into the raving bonkers woman scorned when she realises she's fooked up but you have moved on with your life and met someone that "does" want to be with you.

Sounds familiar

[smifffymoto]

Mrs S takes Meno Mood,a complimentary “drug” from Holland and Barrett.Things have evened out a lot with the help of this.
Mrs S didn’t want HRT so is battling through but bloody hell its tough on her,our marriage and the family. Don’t under estimate what she is going through.

[Biker 1]

smifffymoto said:

Mrs S takes Meno Mood,a complimentary “drug” from Holland and Barrett.Things have evened out a lot with the help of this.
Mrs S didn’t want HRT so is battling through but bloody hell its tough on her,our marriage and the family. Don’t under estimate what she is going through.

I couldn't agree more - the trouble is, (ex??) Mrs B is in total denial that there is even the hint of a hormone issue. Refused point blank to even consider seeing her GP, & has refused counselling every single time I've mentioned it. That's the thing I simply don't understand.....

[HTP99]

Biker 1 said:

smifffymoto said:

Mrs S takes Meno Mood,a complimentary “drug” from Holland and Barrett.Things have evened out a lot with the help of this.
Mrs S didn’t want HRT so is battling through but bloody hell its tough on her,our marriage and the family. Don’t under estimate what she is going through.

I couldn't agree more - the trouble is, (ex??) Mrs B is in total denial that there is even the hint of a hormone issue. Refused point blank to even consider seeing her GP, & has refused counselling every single time I've mentioned it. That's the thing I simply don't understand.....

It's a big change for women and I think many see it as no longer being a "woman", so they bury their heads in the sand and just can't accept it, which I can kind of understand, the sad thing is in the long run they make it worse; causing issues with friends, family and relationships.

Just look at my colleague who I mentioned earlier on in the thread, as well as the divorce, the kids don't like her and are at the age; 2 are mid teens and the other is 21, where they can decide where they want to live and the teenagers have stated that when dad is sorted with a house, they want to live with him, my colleague has said that this will break their mother.

[Greshamst]

Joey Deacon said:

For nothing I suspect, when reality hits and she realises there isn't a line of exciting men waiting for her she will realise this, but it will be too late by then.

Joey Deacon can smell a divorce thread from further away than a shark can smell blood.