How to find yourself?
Discussion
I think that most people's identities stem from their experiences, expectations, societal pressures, education, what newspaper they read etc. Within that narrow and conditioned mindset, developed over time and without necessarily knowing any different (despite their protestations to the contrary), it is easy for them to assume that that is what and who they are.
Introduce a sudden shock to that stability and identity, be it through illness, death, divorce, redundancy etc, and it becomes very clear very quickly just how fragile and potentially shallow that identity you've built up through you life really is.
How you deal with your new reality whatever that may be and how it refocuses you and your priorities in life , goes a long way to answering your question about how you find yourself.
Other, less dramatic ways to achieve it include age/wisdom, meditation, physical challenge, anything that involves something that is alien to your current position/comfort zone and requires hard work and dedication to achieve - 'no growth in comfort' as the new age speak goes. Very clever? Do something physical. Very physical? Do something clever, if I were to over simplify.
Introduce a sudden shock to that stability and identity, be it through illness, death, divorce, redundancy etc, and it becomes very clear very quickly just how fragile and potentially shallow that identity you've built up through you life really is.
How you deal with your new reality whatever that may be and how it refocuses you and your priorities in life , goes a long way to answering your question about how you find yourself.
Other, less dramatic ways to achieve it include age/wisdom, meditation, physical challenge, anything that involves something that is alien to your current position/comfort zone and requires hard work and dedication to achieve - 'no growth in comfort' as the new age speak goes. Very clever? Do something physical. Very physical? Do something clever, if I were to over simplify.
ben5575 said:
I think that most people's identities stem from their experiences, expectations, societal pressures, education, what newspaper they read etc. Within that narrow and conditioned mindset, developed over time and without necessarily knowing any different (despite their protestations to the contrary), it is easy for them to assume that that is what and who they are.
In psychological terms this is the real self/core self, not identity. See: Erickson - Identity vs role confusion.ben5575 said:
Introduce a sudden shock to that stability and identity, be it through illness, death, divorce, redundancy etc, and it becomes very clear very quickly just how fragile and potentially shallow that identity you've built up through you life really is.
This occurs when core/real self clashes with ideal self. When is an individual 'authentic'? It's only one theory though. Another is that as we move through life we go through several identity changes (Erickson), this is often used to explain the 'mid-life crisis'... which is actually a crisis of identity (or lost identity). Freud also suggested stages in life. ben5575 said:
How you deal with your new reality whatever that may be and how it refocuses you and your priorities in life , goes a long way to answering your question about how you find yourself.
This is similar to the Rogerian concept of congruence. I'm a bit lost with the 'new reality' reference. What you describe is some kind of move from trauma to acceptance but I'm not sure there's a 'new reality'.Ah, you've applied science to it 
. My comments were a little more 
Finding yourself is a rather broad and not particularly scientific question through
Perhaps I could have used 'new self' or 'new identity' rather than 'new reality'. I suppose I was referring to how you as a person emerge from the event (or pressure test if self inflicted) which I think is different from the acceptance of what has happened. It was really leading to the broader point about reprioritising your priorities. Your mid life crisis is a good example. The crisis itself may be a loss of identity, but surely acceptance (as you say) and then finding your new identity is finding yourself in the context of the OP question?
Ed Balls is a good (if rather extreme!) example. Lost career, thus identity plus with added mid life crisis goodness thrown in for good measure. He's perceived by many as an object of ridicule. Looks happy though doesn't he?
Of course you may experience some kind of trauma/or try meditation etc and find that it has absolutely no affect on you as a person and your identity; you were simply awesome to start with.
. My comments were a little more Finding yourself is a rather broad and not particularly scientific question through Perhaps I could have used 'new self' or 'new identity' rather than 'new reality'. I suppose I was referring to how you as a person emerge from the event (or pressure test if self inflicted) which I think is different from the acceptance of what has happened. It was really leading to the broader point about reprioritising your priorities. Your mid life crisis is a good example. The crisis itself may be a loss of identity, but surely acceptance (as you say) and then finding your new identity is finding yourself in the context of the OP question?
Ed Balls is a good (if rather extreme!) example. Lost career, thus identity plus with added mid life crisis goodness thrown in for good measure. He's perceived by many as an object of ridicule. Looks happy though doesn't he?
Of course you may experience some kind of trauma/or try meditation etc and find that it has absolutely no affect on you as a person and your identity; you were simply awesome to start with
.I don't know if I need to find myself meaning finding out who I really am, or does it mean finding a new challenge or changing direction ?
On a personal level I've had more than my fair share of tragedy, disillusion and bad luck.
Professionally ive never had any goals or ambitions. I just sort of chose teaching because I loved the subject I was teaching and I wanted to share that passion.
I feel like my whole life I've been drifting stopping off at islands in the ocean before another wave sets me off somewhere else.
On a personal level I've had more than my fair share of tragedy, disillusion and bad luck.
Professionally ive never had any goals or ambitions. I just sort of chose teaching because I loved the subject I was teaching and I wanted to share that passion.
I feel like my whole life I've been drifting stopping off at islands in the ocean before another wave sets me off somewhere else.
It usally seems to involve going somewhere warm and sunny, getting into recreational drugs late in life and having sex with much younger women ( often for a fee ), from what I can glean of most blokes in their 40s'50's who set out to "find themselves".
I suppose the key thing is where you "find yourself" ( i.e. not next to a large sea mamal like creature in your bed, in a small surberban house, on a small cold wet island with the last few decades of your life marked by nothing more than a daily miserable drudge ).
I suppose the key thing is where you "find yourself" ( i.e. not next to a large sea mamal like creature in your bed, in a small surberban house, on a small cold wet island with the last few decades of your life marked by nothing more than a daily miserable drudge ).
I have recently been going through some counselling in order to help me with this and to discover the reason for my compulsive eating disorder. On my journey I have learnt that the basis of my external persona is purely a defensive wall built to protect my emotional side.
On the one side I am a very non-confrontational, fairly sensitive and creative person.
The other persona that I have developed over the years is a judgemental, purposefully confrontational, self-deprecating (and also self-defeating) "lad". This is the side that I show around the rugby guys and that I use in a very tongue in cheek manner around my nearest and dearest.
I have spent many years cracking the first joke about my size, in order to stop the comments from others by beating them to the punchline - and through this have developed the persona of "Big Steve". The problem being that this persona is also pretty self destructive and causes lots of self doubt. At the same time it has become such a large part of my life that subconsciously I don't want to lose the weight as I have built my adult life upon his foundation and am afraid of being a "run of the mill" person in the background rather than the forceful personality and centre of attention that I can be at times.
In order to try and negate the negative influence I am working on a number of things. I am trying to revive my musical side by learning a new instrument and am taking steps to be more positive about myself.
Around 6 years ago I went through the divorce. She left me virtually bankrupt with a massive monthly overspend and a house in negative equity. In the time since I have repaid a large proportion of my debts and rebuilt my life - and yet the self loathing still overpowers the rational side of me.
It's a constant inner monologue and feeling that I am not good enough and don't achieve anything, and yet in the last 5 years I have
I suppose as mid-life crises go, the OH will be fairly happy if all it costs her is me talking b
ks and an electric guitar 
On the one side I am a very non-confrontational, fairly sensitive and creative person.
The other persona that I have developed over the years is a judgemental, purposefully confrontational, self-deprecating (and also self-defeating) "lad". This is the side that I show around the rugby guys and that I use in a very tongue in cheek manner around my nearest and dearest.
I have spent many years cracking the first joke about my size, in order to stop the comments from others by beating them to the punchline - and through this have developed the persona of "Big Steve". The problem being that this persona is also pretty self destructive and causes lots of self doubt. At the same time it has become such a large part of my life that subconsciously I don't want to lose the weight as I have built my adult life upon his foundation and am afraid of being a "run of the mill" person in the background rather than the forceful personality and centre of attention that I can be at times.
In order to try and negate the negative influence I am working on a number of things. I am trying to revive my musical side by learning a new instrument and am taking steps to be more positive about myself.
Around 6 years ago I went through the divorce. She left me virtually bankrupt with a massive monthly overspend and a house in negative equity. In the time since I have repaid a large proportion of my debts and rebuilt my life - and yet the self loathing still overpowers the rational side of me.
It's a constant inner monologue and feeling that I am not good enough and don't achieve anything, and yet in the last 5 years I have
- Gone through a period of reduced payments on debts, but am now in a position where I overpay every month and have cleared many of them. I've worked a second job to keep the wolf from the door.
- Had to sell the house that I renovated at a loss and am still paying for it now.
- Had to make do with sub £1k sheds to get me about, until more recently when I have upgraded as needed something better for work purposes
- Maintained my relationship with my daughter and ensured that my maintenance has always been paid
- Completed a number of running events including 2 half marathons
- Started playing rugby again and joined a new social circle
- Met and married an amazing woman with a love of rugby
I suppose as mid-life crises go, the OH will be fairly happy if all it costs her is me talking b
ks and an electric guitar My take on this is when you discover who/what you really are instead of what society expects you to be.
In my case, I am currently an IT tech working 8:30 to 5 and working to pay the mortgage This isn't really me. Taking myself away from the distraction of everyday life and responsibilties I know I am a creative person that is yearning to express this creativity. I only really came to realise this recently, I found myself so to speak.
Of course there is more to it than that. I may now have a better understanding of myself but now I need to work out how to be true to myself and properly persue it. How does one do that with a mortgage thoug? I suppose that is "Finding yourself level 2".
In my case, I am currently an IT tech working 8:30 to 5 and working to pay the mortgage This isn't really me. Taking myself away from the distraction of everyday life and responsibilties I know I am a creative person that is yearning to express this creativity. I only really came to realise this recently, I found myself so to speak.
Of course there is more to it than that. I may now have a better understanding of myself but now I need to work out how to be true to myself and properly persue it. How does one do that with a mortgage thoug? I suppose that is "Finding yourself level 2".
Pieman68 said:
I have recently been going through some counselling in order to help me with this and to discover the reason for my compulsive eating disorder. On my journey I have learnt that the basis of my external persona is purely a defensive wall built to protect my emotional side.
On the one side I am a very non-confrontational, fairly sensitive and creative person.
The other persona that I have developed over the years is a judgemental, purposefully confrontational, self-deprecating (and also self-defeating) "lad". This is the side that I show around the rugby guys and that I use in a very tongue in cheek manner around my nearest and dearest.
I have spent many years cracking the first joke about my size, in order to stop the comments from others by beating them to the punchline - and through this have developed the persona of "Big Steve". The problem being that this persona is also pretty self destructive and causes lots of self doubt. At the same time it has become such a large part of my life that subconsciously I don't want to lose the weight as I have built my adult life upon his foundation and am afraid of being a "run of the mill" person in the background rather than the forceful personality and centre of attention that I can be at times.
In order to try and negate the negative influence I am working on a number of things. I am trying to revive my musical side by learning a new instrument and am taking steps to be more positive about myself.
Around 6 years ago I went through the divorce. She left me virtually bankrupt with a massive monthly overspend and a house in negative equity. In the time since I have repaid a large proportion of my debts and rebuilt my life - and yet the self loathing still overpowers the rational side of me.
It's a constant inner monologue and feeling that I am not good enough and don't achieve anything, and yet in the last 5 years I have
I suppose as mid-life crises go, the OH will be fairly happy if all it costs her is me talking bks and an electric guitar
Firstly, well done for all of the above. There's clearly a part of you that's proud of your achievements as well you should be. It's easy to think negative thoughts and beat yourself up when really there's no real reason. On the one side I am a very non-confrontational, fairly sensitive and creative person.
The other persona that I have developed over the years is a judgemental, purposefully confrontational, self-deprecating (and also self-defeating) "lad". This is the side that I show around the rugby guys and that I use in a very tongue in cheek manner around my nearest and dearest.
I have spent many years cracking the first joke about my size, in order to stop the comments from others by beating them to the punchline - and through this have developed the persona of "Big Steve". The problem being that this persona is also pretty self destructive and causes lots of self doubt. At the same time it has become such a large part of my life that subconsciously I don't want to lose the weight as I have built my adult life upon his foundation and am afraid of being a "run of the mill" person in the background rather than the forceful personality and centre of attention that I can be at times.
In order to try and negate the negative influence I am working on a number of things. I am trying to revive my musical side by learning a new instrument and am taking steps to be more positive about myself.
Around 6 years ago I went through the divorce. She left me virtually bankrupt with a massive monthly overspend and a house in negative equity. In the time since I have repaid a large proportion of my debts and rebuilt my life - and yet the self loathing still overpowers the rational side of me.
It's a constant inner monologue and feeling that I am not good enough and don't achieve anything, and yet in the last 5 years I have
- Gone through a period of reduced payments on debts, but am now in a position where I overpay every month and have cleared many of them. I've worked a second job to keep the wolf from the door.
- Had to sell the house that I renovated at a loss and am still paying for it now.
- Had to make do with sub £1k sheds to get me about, until more recently when I have upgraded as needed something better for work purposes
- Maintained my relationship with my daughter and ensured that my maintenance has always been paid
- Completed a number of running events including 2 half marathons
- Started playing rugby again and joined a new social circle
- Met and married an amazing woman with a love of rugby
I suppose as mid-life crises go, the OH will be fairly happy if all it costs her is me talking b
ks and an electric guitar As someone who's spent most of their adult life with a glass "half empty" outlook, I found this book an extremely good read. It talks about the 2 personalities we all have and
one that leads to prejudice, self doubt/loathing etc which can be managed if you understand why it happens.
It's called the Chimp Paradox by Prof Stephen Peters.
Here's the book which is very easy to read: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Chimp-Paradox-Management-...
Here's the science behind it: http://chimpmanagement.com/the-chimp-model/the-mod...
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