Help me figure out 'me' and my mind - help appreciated..
Discussion
I've been a member of PH for about 3 years now and reluctant to post this using my usual username.
I've seen a few posts like this in the past and this has been a difficult - and lengthy one - to write. So thank you in advance to anyone who takes the time to read it and respond. Really, I'm just after somebody to listen (well read) what I've got to say, let me know their thoughts and pass on any advice they might think useful. I don't mind if this is critical, so long as it's ultimately helpful.
I won't go into everything in explicit detail because you'd be here all day reading it - and I've not year worked everything out in my head so there'll be other stuff which I haven't mentioned.
I'm 28, single, have a decent education, a job paying very good money - especially for my age - but I'm facing possible redundancy in the near-ish future. I have no mortgage commitments because I'm renting as part of a flat share. I'm attractive, so I'm told, and I don't really have any debt worries. So on the face of it, everything would seem peachy.
The problem is I am seriously down, depressed and at a seriously low ebb. In all honesty, I cannot remember the last time I felt 'happy' and content. It must be a good few years at least. I know happiness is difficult to define and it's all relative - but I haven't felt 'good' or positive about myself or almost anything for a long, long time.
In brief, a background summary...
I'd had a difficult time growing up. Suffering from bullying on and off all the way through school and being very transient with friends, often spending a lot of time on my own. Or alternatively hanging out with what were the real social outcasts.
Home life was no better. I was brought up by my parents, who divorced 4 years ago, in a fairly loveless marriage. My dad had a particularly nasty upbringing himself, witnessing and experiencing physical and emotional neglect daily. My parents were completely unsuited, married very young and as the time they spent together grew the less they had in commmon. I have a brother and sister, but by my parents' own admission I wasn't given any real attention for a good number of years due to my sister and her behaviour. She fell in with the wrong sorts, got involved in all sorts and fell pregnant young. Life was a constant source of rows, anger, upset and emotional neglect. I was left to make my own way in a lot of respects. For years I became socially isolated and extremely withdrawn.
There's still a massive family rift and I haven't spoken to my younger sister in years and don't intend to, she continues to go down the wrong path big time - I really don't want to give specifics. I drifted from my older brother years ago and find it difficult to talk to him, almost like he's a stranger. I don't dislike him but it's just difficult. I have a reasonable relationship with my parents but still find it hard to confide and trust them not to repeat anything private I tell them, as they've done this in the past. They certainly don't know how I'm about to tell you how I feel, though they do know I'm not exactly happy, but don't know the extent.
University went pretty well, with some personal ups and downs, and I made some fairly good friends there at the time, though we've really drifted and aren't really in contact.
I've moved a few different places for work over the past few years. I now live in a big city in the south. Every time I've moved I've ended up completely alone, isolated and cut off. I never developed a social circle or did anything to meet people other than from work, and even then it was limited.
I've also had pretty lousy skin for years which had a big impact on me not wanting to socialise or sometimes even leave the house. My dad was particularly insensitive about this. However, over the past year or so it is much much better.
Finally, I came out of a relationship a few months ago with a girl I'd known for a couple of years. We both had strong feelings for each other, but never ever acted on them. Adultery isn't my thing, or hers. She's the first girl I've truly felt love for. Tragically her husband committed suicide. She was unhappily married and even now I still don't know the full reasons in and around why he did what he did. We got together around 5 months after this happened. In hindsight this was completely the wrong thing to do. We both still had feelings for each other but this was far too soon to act on them. The relationship ended badly between us quite recently. I feel extremely hurt and used. She played on my weaknesses and insecurities constantly and tortured me with mind games. And for some reason or other, I keep convincing myself she's pregnant - although it's been almost 3 months, I saw her take the morning after pill that morning, plus she's told me a million times she isn't pregnant. But for some reason I continue to torture myself with this to the point I'm having anxiety attacks. It's a relationship I'm struggling to get over, especially since she now tells me she's with somebody else - a person who I dislike as it was always clear he had feelings for her when we were together - though again I think this is another mind game.
So, as it is now, I'm pretty much at my lowest point. To describe how I'd feel I'd say I'm incredibly lonely - I still don't know anyone other than workplace acquaintances - and even then there's nothing ever social that happens. I've lived here for just under a year now. Other than work, I spend almost all of my time alone. This is how I often feel:
Incredibly negative thinking, the glass is certainly half empty
Suspicious
Often very anxious
Angry
Nothing gives me pleasure
Lack of confidence, other than in work-related situations.
Cannot concentrate
Sometimes I struggle to eat
Frustrated (some of this is probably sexual)
Distant
Find it hard to form relationships with people
Look for something not to like in a person and a reason not to get to know them
Upset and tearful
Isolated
Unhappy
Bitter
Sometimes I live in a complete pig-sty, take away boxes left on the floor for weeks, moldy cups, bathroom never clean etc. But ironically I'm always extremely well turned out, wearing nice clothes and taking decent care of my appearance. I suppose that's because I don't want to outwardly project my feelings.
Essentially the ending of the relationship has brought everything to a head. I feel like I'm really on the edge and at my lowest point. I wouldn't ever self-harm or commit suicide, despite how low I feel, as I'm able to rationalise it as being too selfish an act. Though I do get particularly nasty and haunting images in my head thinking about it.
I'm self-aware enough to know I cannot continue my life this way as it's a total waste. I am scared to death that maybe 10 years from now I'll look back and things will be exactly the same. I know things have to change. I want them to change. I do not want to jeopardize future happiness, the chance of meeting somebody good, the chance of a family, the possibility of having good friends. These are the things I want dearly.
I decided I needed some outside help. I purposely didn't go to my GP as I don't want any record of this staying with me and haunting me in the future. I also want to avoid taking any medication. So I've just started to see a counsellor privately, who seems pretty well qualified and I quite like her. After 3 false starts with other therapists - either they couldn't work evenings, there was no rapport or I really didn't feel at ease with the surroundings - I hope this latest one can help. As with all the others, she recognises that I'm clearly depressed. However, unlike the others, she isn't so keen on pushing CBT just yet until she works out what's best.
I also re-joined a gym last week and signed up to a circuits class deliberately as a good way to meet people because you've got to work in a group of 3. I'm also about to apply to be part of the local Junior Chamber of Commerce as a way of meeting people and to help with some of the work they do with schools - hopefully after the application and interview they'll accept me. I've also always wanted to learn French properly, I did it at GCSE level but didn't take it seriously, but I'm holding off on this at the minute as I don't want to take on too much. I've also started to read again, spending a good few hours on a Saturday afternoon in a really nice cafe with a book and also to do some people watching and I enjoy this.
I have a holiday in 4 weeks time that we'd booked as a couple, taking in a few European cities. I think depending how the therapy goes, I'm not sure whether I'll go. I think it would lead to more loneliness.
I genuinely do not want this to come over as a 'poor me story, it's everyones fault but mine'. So please don't take it that way. And I guess you're probably wondering what point I'm trying to make with all this...
So what I'm asking is for your thoughts on what I've said. Maybe you've been through something similar or witnessed something similar with other people. What more do you think I could be doing? What else do you think might help? What do you actually think is 'wrong' with me?
Perhaps there's a book I could buy which would help me?
Again, many thanks for reading.
I've seen a few posts like this in the past and this has been a difficult - and lengthy one - to write. So thank you in advance to anyone who takes the time to read it and respond. Really, I'm just after somebody to listen (well read) what I've got to say, let me know their thoughts and pass on any advice they might think useful. I don't mind if this is critical, so long as it's ultimately helpful.
I won't go into everything in explicit detail because you'd be here all day reading it - and I've not year worked everything out in my head so there'll be other stuff which I haven't mentioned.
I'm 28, single, have a decent education, a job paying very good money - especially for my age - but I'm facing possible redundancy in the near-ish future. I have no mortgage commitments because I'm renting as part of a flat share. I'm attractive, so I'm told, and I don't really have any debt worries. So on the face of it, everything would seem peachy.
The problem is I am seriously down, depressed and at a seriously low ebb. In all honesty, I cannot remember the last time I felt 'happy' and content. It must be a good few years at least. I know happiness is difficult to define and it's all relative - but I haven't felt 'good' or positive about myself or almost anything for a long, long time.
In brief, a background summary...
I'd had a difficult time growing up. Suffering from bullying on and off all the way through school and being very transient with friends, often spending a lot of time on my own. Or alternatively hanging out with what were the real social outcasts.
Home life was no better. I was brought up by my parents, who divorced 4 years ago, in a fairly loveless marriage. My dad had a particularly nasty upbringing himself, witnessing and experiencing physical and emotional neglect daily. My parents were completely unsuited, married very young and as the time they spent together grew the less they had in commmon. I have a brother and sister, but by my parents' own admission I wasn't given any real attention for a good number of years due to my sister and her behaviour. She fell in with the wrong sorts, got involved in all sorts and fell pregnant young. Life was a constant source of rows, anger, upset and emotional neglect. I was left to make my own way in a lot of respects. For years I became socially isolated and extremely withdrawn.
There's still a massive family rift and I haven't spoken to my younger sister in years and don't intend to, she continues to go down the wrong path big time - I really don't want to give specifics. I drifted from my older brother years ago and find it difficult to talk to him, almost like he's a stranger. I don't dislike him but it's just difficult. I have a reasonable relationship with my parents but still find it hard to confide and trust them not to repeat anything private I tell them, as they've done this in the past. They certainly don't know how I'm about to tell you how I feel, though they do know I'm not exactly happy, but don't know the extent.
University went pretty well, with some personal ups and downs, and I made some fairly good friends there at the time, though we've really drifted and aren't really in contact.
I've moved a few different places for work over the past few years. I now live in a big city in the south. Every time I've moved I've ended up completely alone, isolated and cut off. I never developed a social circle or did anything to meet people other than from work, and even then it was limited.
I've also had pretty lousy skin for years which had a big impact on me not wanting to socialise or sometimes even leave the house. My dad was particularly insensitive about this. However, over the past year or so it is much much better.
Finally, I came out of a relationship a few months ago with a girl I'd known for a couple of years. We both had strong feelings for each other, but never ever acted on them. Adultery isn't my thing, or hers. She's the first girl I've truly felt love for. Tragically her husband committed suicide. She was unhappily married and even now I still don't know the full reasons in and around why he did what he did. We got together around 5 months after this happened. In hindsight this was completely the wrong thing to do. We both still had feelings for each other but this was far too soon to act on them. The relationship ended badly between us quite recently. I feel extremely hurt and used. She played on my weaknesses and insecurities constantly and tortured me with mind games. And for some reason or other, I keep convincing myself she's pregnant - although it's been almost 3 months, I saw her take the morning after pill that morning, plus she's told me a million times she isn't pregnant. But for some reason I continue to torture myself with this to the point I'm having anxiety attacks. It's a relationship I'm struggling to get over, especially since she now tells me she's with somebody else - a person who I dislike as it was always clear he had feelings for her when we were together - though again I think this is another mind game.
So, as it is now, I'm pretty much at my lowest point. To describe how I'd feel I'd say I'm incredibly lonely - I still don't know anyone other than workplace acquaintances - and even then there's nothing ever social that happens. I've lived here for just under a year now. Other than work, I spend almost all of my time alone. This is how I often feel:
Incredibly negative thinking, the glass is certainly half empty
Suspicious
Often very anxious
Angry
Nothing gives me pleasure
Lack of confidence, other than in work-related situations.
Cannot concentrate
Sometimes I struggle to eat
Frustrated (some of this is probably sexual)
Distant
Find it hard to form relationships with people
Look for something not to like in a person and a reason not to get to know them
Upset and tearful
Isolated
Unhappy
Bitter
Sometimes I live in a complete pig-sty, take away boxes left on the floor for weeks, moldy cups, bathroom never clean etc. But ironically I'm always extremely well turned out, wearing nice clothes and taking decent care of my appearance. I suppose that's because I don't want to outwardly project my feelings.
Essentially the ending of the relationship has brought everything to a head. I feel like I'm really on the edge and at my lowest point. I wouldn't ever self-harm or commit suicide, despite how low I feel, as I'm able to rationalise it as being too selfish an act. Though I do get particularly nasty and haunting images in my head thinking about it.
I'm self-aware enough to know I cannot continue my life this way as it's a total waste. I am scared to death that maybe 10 years from now I'll look back and things will be exactly the same. I know things have to change. I want them to change. I do not want to jeopardize future happiness, the chance of meeting somebody good, the chance of a family, the possibility of having good friends. These are the things I want dearly.
I decided I needed some outside help. I purposely didn't go to my GP as I don't want any record of this staying with me and haunting me in the future. I also want to avoid taking any medication. So I've just started to see a counsellor privately, who seems pretty well qualified and I quite like her. After 3 false starts with other therapists - either they couldn't work evenings, there was no rapport or I really didn't feel at ease with the surroundings - I hope this latest one can help. As with all the others, she recognises that I'm clearly depressed. However, unlike the others, she isn't so keen on pushing CBT just yet until she works out what's best.
I also re-joined a gym last week and signed up to a circuits class deliberately as a good way to meet people because you've got to work in a group of 3. I'm also about to apply to be part of the local Junior Chamber of Commerce as a way of meeting people and to help with some of the work they do with schools - hopefully after the application and interview they'll accept me. I've also always wanted to learn French properly, I did it at GCSE level but didn't take it seriously, but I'm holding off on this at the minute as I don't want to take on too much. I've also started to read again, spending a good few hours on a Saturday afternoon in a really nice cafe with a book and also to do some people watching and I enjoy this.
I have a holiday in 4 weeks time that we'd booked as a couple, taking in a few European cities. I think depending how the therapy goes, I'm not sure whether I'll go. I think it would lead to more loneliness.
I genuinely do not want this to come over as a 'poor me story, it's everyones fault but mine'. So please don't take it that way. And I guess you're probably wondering what point I'm trying to make with all this...
So what I'm asking is for your thoughts on what I've said. Maybe you've been through something similar or witnessed something similar with other people. What more do you think I could be doing? What else do you think might help? What do you actually think is 'wrong' with me?
Perhaps there's a book I could buy which would help me?
Again, many thanks for reading.
Go volunteer.
Doesnt really matter what for but preferably something you can add value to, it will let you meet lots of people and socialise and give you a feeling of greater self worth.
I volunteer for the red cross and the air training corps.
Both are very different but it keeps me so busy and so focused i dont have time to get down. The gym thing is great but gyms are not the best way to work out.
Start a sport that you can see yourself enjoying or martial arts and try a few before you find one you like, then you are going to the gym to work towards a goal instead of the gym being a pretty hard slog.
Everyone gets down sometimes but its mostly in your head, look at it as a way to improve and better yourself, use it as the motivation you need to improve. Its difficult but it works. See everything as a possibility and don't turn things down. Read yes man by Danny Wallace and take some life lessons from that! Its what I did and ive turned my life around.
Threat of redundancy? Time to move and work overseas for a bit!
Recent breakup? Chance to meet new and maybe more exciting girls!
Car gets written off? New car time!
Doesnt really matter what for but preferably something you can add value to, it will let you meet lots of people and socialise and give you a feeling of greater self worth.
I volunteer for the red cross and the air training corps.
Both are very different but it keeps me so busy and so focused i dont have time to get down. The gym thing is great but gyms are not the best way to work out.
Start a sport that you can see yourself enjoying or martial arts and try a few before you find one you like, then you are going to the gym to work towards a goal instead of the gym being a pretty hard slog.
Everyone gets down sometimes but its mostly in your head, look at it as a way to improve and better yourself, use it as the motivation you need to improve. Its difficult but it works. See everything as a possibility and don't turn things down. Read yes man by Danny Wallace and take some life lessons from that! Its what I did and ive turned my life around.
Threat of redundancy? Time to move and work overseas for a bit!
Recent breakup? Chance to meet new and maybe more exciting girls!
Car gets written off? New car time!
Mr Dave said:
Go volunteer.
Doesnt really matter what for but preferably something you can add value to, it will let you meet lots of people and socialise and give you a feeling of greater self worth.
I volunteer for the red cross and the air training corps.
Both are very different but it keeps me so busy and so focused i dont have time to get down. The gym thing is great but gyms are not the best way to work out.
Start a sport that you can see yourself enjoying or martial arts and try a few before you find one you like, then you are going to the gym to work towards a goal instead of the gym being a pretty hard slog.
Everyone gets down sometimes but its mostly in your head, look at it as a way to improve and better yourself, use it as the motivation you need to improve. Its difficult but it works. See everything as a possibility and don't turn things down. Read yes man by Danny Wallace and take some life lessons from that! Its what I did and ive turned my life around.
Threat of redundancy? Time to move and work overseas for a bit!
Recent breakup? Chance to meet new and maybe more exciting girls!
Car gets written off? New car time!
Thank you.Doesnt really matter what for but preferably something you can add value to, it will let you meet lots of people and socialise and give you a feeling of greater self worth.
I volunteer for the red cross and the air training corps.
Both are very different but it keeps me so busy and so focused i dont have time to get down. The gym thing is great but gyms are not the best way to work out.
Start a sport that you can see yourself enjoying or martial arts and try a few before you find one you like, then you are going to the gym to work towards a goal instead of the gym being a pretty hard slog.
Everyone gets down sometimes but its mostly in your head, look at it as a way to improve and better yourself, use it as the motivation you need to improve. Its difficult but it works. See everything as a possibility and don't turn things down. Read yes man by Danny Wallace and take some life lessons from that! Its what I did and ive turned my life around.
Threat of redundancy? Time to move and work overseas for a bit!
Recent breakup? Chance to meet new and maybe more exciting girls!
Car gets written off? New car time!
I'd considered trying to volunteer with Young Enterprise. I know it's not the same as perhaps helping with the Red Cross, but nonetheless you're giving back and it's a good way of meeting people.
And as for fitness, the local boxing club do a 'box fit' class, focused on just getting you super fit and not just on boxing. So maybe I'll give that a whirl.
I'll look into that book though.
Thanks again.
Hi there. You've picked an interesting forum to post this in 
In the lounge there would no doubt have been many that would have said 'man up' and suchlike, but here you'll get a different response. Interestingly the 'man up' approach rarely works and is more likely to make thinks worse. Well done you, for seeking help and taking proactive steps to find the answers you are looking for. It really is the first step and many don't even get that far.
Our pasts are for many of us, more than 'bit players' in our lives. Top of your list is negative self thinking (and self talk perhaps?) and these stem from the basic human need for survival. If all you see and experience in your life is 'danger', then perhaps it's no wonder that your framing of life is negative. Anxiety, suspicion, lack of concentration and frustration are all part of the 'mix' surrounding a raied alertness to danger. Eating, or lack of it to is part of our primative 'flight' mentality - who needs a full belly when at the next moment you might need to flee an aggressor? The frustration side in part to may well be related to a lack of sexual fulfilment and perhaps to, coupled to a lack of low self esteem and selfworth.
Anger, bitterness, resentment... well, is it any surprise that you feel these things when perhaps, if you look back at your life you see good reason to have them there. Being distant is also perfectly normal in this respect, what possible reason is there to be around anyone, when in the past all people have done is hurt you? Yet isolation runs a conflict within the individual - isolation is a very lonely place at times.. yet the conflict with the fear of being hurt (again) makes for a very unhappy vicious circle.
The 'answers' to all of this... Well, in part you've already done the hard bit and that was finding the courage to sit down with someone and be able to start the process of resolving them. CBT for what I have read, has about a 50% success rate - something like that anyway. It works for people who are preapred (or who can have the patience to) wait and slowly resolve their issues.
Some of the conflicts you describe are logic based and some of them no doubt will be emotion based and each part, each individual aspect will need a different resolution. If you can, prioritise them. What's the one with the biggest resonance? Not all of them will have the same level of emotive or logic response and you need to start with the one at the top of the list. It may not be the biggest one - issues are like icebergs and the one at the top is often the one the brain uses as the 'test the therapist' one to build trust etc.
It takes a bit of introspection and pragmatism to deal with all that you describe. There are lots of ways to look at this and a thousand ways to approach it, yet perhaps think about it this way. If you turn this process into a big adventure about you - a journey of discovery into why you are the way you then that is a positive step forwards. More importantly however, you need to think to about when you come out of it, what kind of person do you want to be at the end of the process - because the process must have an end, there must be an objective. Talking is not enough, setting objectives, 'doing', being proactive is critical to making change happen.
Exercise, diet, changes in environment can all be positive triggers to help speed change along. But also accept them for what they are. Each piece is important, each piece integral to health and wellbeing. The brain needs to do something conscious and proactive to switch off the fight/flight mentatilty. Plan your holiday to relax, the same with the time you exercise - this is your time for change and sending the subconscious cues to the mind to ease up for a while.
If you can change one thing now, think this; that all you do, however small it may seem, is sending different signals, opening different neural pathways in your mind to make change happen. There will be resistance along the way, there always is for a while and these challenges need to be addressed and agreeement come to from within (this is not a fight between one thing or another, but an agreement to move forwards). But give it a little time and try not to be too hard on yourself of things don't always change as quickly as you expect them to.
In the lounge there would no doubt have been many that would have said 'man up' and suchlike, but here you'll get a different response. Interestingly the 'man up' approach rarely works and is more likely to make thinks worse. Well done you, for seeking help and taking proactive steps to find the answers you are looking for. It really is the first step and many don't even get that far. Our pasts are for many of us, more than 'bit players' in our lives. Top of your list is negative self thinking (and self talk perhaps?) and these stem from the basic human need for survival. If all you see and experience in your life is 'danger', then perhaps it's no wonder that your framing of life is negative. Anxiety, suspicion, lack of concentration and frustration are all part of the 'mix' surrounding a raied alertness to danger. Eating, or lack of it to is part of our primative 'flight' mentality - who needs a full belly when at the next moment you might need to flee an aggressor? The frustration side in part to may well be related to a lack of sexual fulfilment and perhaps to, coupled to a lack of low self esteem and selfworth.
Anger, bitterness, resentment... well, is it any surprise that you feel these things when perhaps, if you look back at your life you see good reason to have them there. Being distant is also perfectly normal in this respect, what possible reason is there to be around anyone, when in the past all people have done is hurt you? Yet isolation runs a conflict within the individual - isolation is a very lonely place at times.. yet the conflict with the fear of being hurt (again) makes for a very unhappy vicious circle.
The 'answers' to all of this... Well, in part you've already done the hard bit and that was finding the courage to sit down with someone and be able to start the process of resolving them. CBT for what I have read, has about a 50% success rate - something like that anyway. It works for people who are preapred (or who can have the patience to) wait and slowly resolve their issues.
Some of the conflicts you describe are logic based and some of them no doubt will be emotion based and each part, each individual aspect will need a different resolution. If you can, prioritise them. What's the one with the biggest resonance? Not all of them will have the same level of emotive or logic response and you need to start with the one at the top of the list. It may not be the biggest one - issues are like icebergs and the one at the top is often the one the brain uses as the 'test the therapist' one to build trust etc.
It takes a bit of introspection and pragmatism to deal with all that you describe. There are lots of ways to look at this and a thousand ways to approach it, yet perhaps think about it this way. If you turn this process into a big adventure about you - a journey of discovery into why you are the way you then that is a positive step forwards. More importantly however, you need to think to about when you come out of it, what kind of person do you want to be at the end of the process - because the process must have an end, there must be an objective. Talking is not enough, setting objectives, 'doing', being proactive is critical to making change happen.
Exercise, diet, changes in environment can all be positive triggers to help speed change along. But also accept them for what they are. Each piece is important, each piece integral to health and wellbeing. The brain needs to do something conscious and proactive to switch off the fight/flight mentatilty. Plan your holiday to relax, the same with the time you exercise - this is your time for change and sending the subconscious cues to the mind to ease up for a while.
If you can change one thing now, think this; that all you do, however small it may seem, is sending different signals, opening different neural pathways in your mind to make change happen. There will be resistance along the way, there always is for a while and these challenges need to be addressed and agreeement come to from within (this is not a fight between one thing or another, but an agreement to move forwards). But give it a little time and try not to be too hard on yourself of things don't always change as quickly as you expect them to.
lookingforhelp said:
I have a holiday in 4 weeks time that we'd booked as a couple, taking in a few European cities. I think depending how the therapy goes, I'm not sure whether I'll go. I think it would lead to more loneliness.
Can't help with the rest of it I'm afraid, but you should definitely still take the holiday. Except instead of staying in hotels, book a hostel. Book an 8-10 person room in a hostel and I guarantee you will meet a number of other people travelling alone. The vast majority of them will be very friendly and you'll be able to go out for beers with them in the evening. You sound quite introverted (like me) and this will place you into a situation where it is easy to talk to strangers, with the advantage that you will never have to see them again if you don't want to. Hence, it's much easier to relax and get talking, as there's no 'pressure'. Hopefully it'll give you a pick up and a confidence boost, which you can apply to your relationships when you come home. Besides, it's good to get away and clear your head.drivin_me_nuts said:
Hi there. You've picked an interesting forum to post this in In the lounge there would no doubt have been many that would have said 'man up' and suchlike, but here you'll get a different response. Interestingly the 'man up' approach rarely works and is more likely to make thinks worse. Well done you, for seeking help and taking proactive steps to find the answers you are looking for. It really is the first step and many don't even get that far.
Our pasts are for many of us, more than 'bit players' in our lives. Top of your list is negative self thinking (and self talk perhaps?) and these stem from the basic human need for survival. If all you see and experience in your life is 'danger', then perhaps it's no wonder that your framing of life is negative. Anxiety, suspicion, lack of concentration and frustration are all part of the 'mix' surrounding a raied alertness to danger. Eating, or lack of it to is part of our primative 'flight' mentality - who needs a full belly when at the next moment you might need to flee an aggressor? The frustration side in part to may well be related to a lack of sexual fulfilment and perhaps to, coupled to a lack of low self esteem and selfworth.
Anger, bitterness, resentment... well, is it any surprise that you feel these things when perhaps, if you look back at your life you see good reason to have them there. Being distant is also perfectly normal in this respect, what possible reason is there to be around anyone, when in the past all people have done is hurt you? Yet isolation runs a conflict within the individual - isolation is a very lonely place at times.. yet the conflict with the fear of being hurt (again) makes for a very unhappy vicious circle.
The 'answers' to all of this... Well, in part you've already done the hard bit and that was finding the courage to sit down with someone and be able to start the process of resolving them. CBT for what I have read, has about a 50% success rate - something like that anyway. It works for people who are preapred (or who can have the patience to) wait and slowly resolve their issues.
Some of the conflicts you describe are logic based and some of them no doubt will be emotion based and each part, each individual aspect will need a different resolution. If you can, prioritise them. What's the one with the biggest resonance? Not all of them will have the same level of emotive or logic response and you need to start with the one at the top of the list. It may not be the biggest one - issues are like icebergs and the one at the top is often the one the brain uses as the 'test the therapist' one to build trust etc.
It takes a bit of introspection and pragmatism to deal with all that you describe. There are lots of ways to look at this and a thousand ways to approach it, yet perhaps think about it this way. If you turn this process into a big adventure about you - a journey of discovery into why you are the way you then that is a positive step forwards. More importantly however, you need to think to about when you come out of it, what kind of person do you want to be at the end of the process - because the process must have an end, there must be an objective. Talking is not enough, setting objectives, 'doing', being proactive is critical to making change happen.
Exercise, diet, changes in environment can all be positive triggers to help speed change along. But also accept them for what they are. Each piece is important, each piece integral to health and wellbeing. The brain needs to do something conscious and proactive to switch off the fight/flight mentatilty. Plan your holiday to relax, the same with the time you exercise - this is your time for change and sending the subconscious cues to the mind to ease up for a while.
If you can change one thing now, think this; that all you do, however small it may seem, is sending different signals, opening different neural pathways in your mind to make change happen. There will be resistance along the way, there always is for a while and these challenges need to be addressed and agreeement come to from within (this is not a fight between one thing or another, but an agreement to move forwards). But give it a little time and try not to be too hard on yourself of things don't always change as quickly as you expect them to.
Thanks a lot for putting so much thought into the response there. Much appreciated. In the lounge there would no doubt have been many that would have said 'man up' and suchlike, but here you'll get a different response. Interestingly the 'man up' approach rarely works and is more likely to make thinks worse. Well done you, for seeking help and taking proactive steps to find the answers you are looking for. It really is the first step and many don't even get that far. Our pasts are for many of us, more than 'bit players' in our lives. Top of your list is negative self thinking (and self talk perhaps?) and these stem from the basic human need for survival. If all you see and experience in your life is 'danger', then perhaps it's no wonder that your framing of life is negative. Anxiety, suspicion, lack of concentration and frustration are all part of the 'mix' surrounding a raied alertness to danger. Eating, or lack of it to is part of our primative 'flight' mentality - who needs a full belly when at the next moment you might need to flee an aggressor? The frustration side in part to may well be related to a lack of sexual fulfilment and perhaps to, coupled to a lack of low self esteem and selfworth.
Anger, bitterness, resentment... well, is it any surprise that you feel these things when perhaps, if you look back at your life you see good reason to have them there. Being distant is also perfectly normal in this respect, what possible reason is there to be around anyone, when in the past all people have done is hurt you? Yet isolation runs a conflict within the individual - isolation is a very lonely place at times.. yet the conflict with the fear of being hurt (again) makes for a very unhappy vicious circle.
The 'answers' to all of this... Well, in part you've already done the hard bit and that was finding the courage to sit down with someone and be able to start the process of resolving them. CBT for what I have read, has about a 50% success rate - something like that anyway. It works for people who are preapred (or who can have the patience to) wait and slowly resolve their issues.
Some of the conflicts you describe are logic based and some of them no doubt will be emotion based and each part, each individual aspect will need a different resolution. If you can, prioritise them. What's the one with the biggest resonance? Not all of them will have the same level of emotive or logic response and you need to start with the one at the top of the list. It may not be the biggest one - issues are like icebergs and the one at the top is often the one the brain uses as the 'test the therapist' one to build trust etc.
It takes a bit of introspection and pragmatism to deal with all that you describe. There are lots of ways to look at this and a thousand ways to approach it, yet perhaps think about it this way. If you turn this process into a big adventure about you - a journey of discovery into why you are the way you then that is a positive step forwards. More importantly however, you need to think to about when you come out of it, what kind of person do you want to be at the end of the process - because the process must have an end, there must be an objective. Talking is not enough, setting objectives, 'doing', being proactive is critical to making change happen.
Exercise, diet, changes in environment can all be positive triggers to help speed change along. But also accept them for what they are. Each piece is important, each piece integral to health and wellbeing. The brain needs to do something conscious and proactive to switch off the fight/flight mentatilty. Plan your holiday to relax, the same with the time you exercise - this is your time for change and sending the subconscious cues to the mind to ease up for a while.
If you can change one thing now, think this; that all you do, however small it may seem, is sending different signals, opening different neural pathways in your mind to make change happen. There will be resistance along the way, there always is for a while and these challenges need to be addressed and agreeement come to from within (this is not a fight between one thing or another, but an agreement to move forwards). But give it a little time and try not to be too hard on yourself of things don't always change as quickly as you expect them to.
I never thought I'd be in a position whereby I'd admit that I've 'mental health' issues and need help. But I just couldn't see a way out and everything looked so bleak, scarily so. I was starting to scare myself with what I was thinking.
I'm prepared to put the work in, to be introspective, because I don't want to continue feeling as I do. I want to change. I don't necessarily want to blame, more understand. And I know it's going to take a good long while to do this. But I'm more than prepared to put the work in and I'm feeling more positive already.
I think a lot of the problems I listed are related, just as you've picked up on.
At the end of the process, I want to feel content, to be able to like myself, to feel others like me and there's something about me to like. Not to feel so anxious, not to feel so negatively and not understand my thought process.
wiffmaster said:
Can't help with the rest of it I'm afraid, but you should definitely still take the holiday. Except instead of staying in hotels, book a hostel. Book an 8-10 person room in a hostel and I guarantee you will meet a number of other people travelling alone. The vast majority of them will be very friendly and you'll be able to go out for beers with them in the evening. You sound quite introverted (like me) and this will place you into a situation where it is easy to talk to strangers, with the advantage that you will never have to see them again if you don't want to. Hence, it's much easier to relax and get talking, as there's no 'pressure'. Hopefully it'll give you a pick up and a confidence boost, which you can apply to your relationships when you come home. Besides, it's good to get away and clear your head.
Cheers. The hotels are all booked I'm afraid and I'll be pushing it to go anyhow. Otherwise that idea was good. Up until a few years ago I stayed in hostels alone all over Europe....now turn all of those 'nots' on their head and work out what you really want. Not wanting something is not (umm) enough. What do you want to achieve? The mind does not grasp not, it grasps positives.
.. and 'mental illness' is nothing to feel bad about 'admitting' to. You have an issue(s) that needs sorting. There's no shame in it, there's no weakness or failing on your part. It is, what is - something that you are doing good things to sort out. Please, please DO NOT give yourself any more labels. They won't help one jot
.. and 'mental illness' is nothing to feel bad about 'admitting' to. You have an issue(s) that needs sorting. There's no shame in it, there's no weakness or failing on your part. It is, what is - something that you are doing good things to sort out. Please, please DO NOT give yourself any more labels. They won't help one jot
drivin_me_nuts said:
...now turn all of those 'nots' on their head and work out what you really want. Not wanting something is not (umm) enough. What do you want to achieve? The mind does not grasp not, it grasps positives.
.. and 'mental illness' is nothing to feel bad about 'admitting' to. You have an issue(s) that needs sorting. There's no shame in it, there's no weakness or failing on your part. It is, what is - something that you are doing good things to sort out. Please, please DO NOT give yourself any more labels. They won't help one jot
Maybe that's where I'm struggling a bit. Do I truly know what I want? Other than to feel loved, valued, appreciated and wanted by somebody - they're my main 'wants'... and 'mental illness' is nothing to feel bad about 'admitting' to. You have an issue(s) that needs sorting. There's no shame in it, there's no weakness or failing on your part. It is, what is - something that you are doing good things to sort out. Please, please DO NOT give yourself any more labels. They won't help one jot
There's still a massive stigma with it. I certainly haven't told anyone that I'm getting help because of the issues I have - not that anyone's really aware of how I feel. I want to avoid the 'aww, how are you doing' tones by HR etc.
jontysafe said:
Get some professional help, you`d be surprised how many people, at some point in their life, need this.
Don`t know where you live but they`ll be groups, therapists, counsellors all over the country.
You don`t have to go with the first one, bear that in mind.
I'm seeing a therapist / counsellor at the minute.Don`t know where you live but they`ll be groups, therapists, counsellors all over the country.
You don`t have to go with the first one, bear that in mind.
The first one was OK, but I really hated the surroundings, I just didn't feel comfortable or at ease.
The second one was really quite good, but couldn't do evenings and was hardly ever available.
The third one was much like the 4th.
The fourth one seems pretty good - I did my 2nd session with her a few days ago, and have another Friday.
lookingforhelp said:
drivin_me_nuts said:
...now turn all of those 'nots' on their head and work out what you really want. Not wanting something is not (umm) enough. What do you want to achieve? The mind does not grasp not, it grasps positives.
.. and 'mental illness' is nothing to feel bad about 'admitting' to. You have an issue(s) that needs sorting. There's no shame in it, there's no weakness or failing on your part. It is, what is - something that you are doing good things to sort out. Please, please DO NOT give yourself any more labels. They won't help one jot
Maybe that's where I'm struggling a bit. Do I truly know what I want? Other than to feel loved, valued, appreciated and wanted by somebody - they're my main 'wants'... and 'mental illness' is nothing to feel bad about 'admitting' to. You have an issue(s) that needs sorting. There's no shame in it, there's no weakness or failing on your part. It is, what is - something that you are doing good things to sort out. Please, please DO NOT give yourself any more labels. They won't help one jot
There's still a massive stigma with it. I certainly haven't told anyone that I'm getting help because of the issues I have - not that anyone's really aware of how I feel. I want to avoid the 'aww, how are you doing' tones by HR etc.
Everything you wrote in first paragraph is out of your control and they are down to 'other people'. Sorry to say it, but this is no good. There are intangibles, controlled by other people. Most of us want to be loved, valued and appreciated. But they are not it. They are not enough. Sorry, but for being hard, but what do you want? It's a WIP. You will continue to be powerless in your life of you put control into the hands of others. You can give love, you can give respect... you can demand those things in others, that's all fine and positve, but you are being passive. It does not work. What do you want? Work on that first... and the wants don't involve giving control to your happiness ot other people. You need to have a good long think about this - it will take time, but the first thing is to give yourself permission to want things for yourself and not have them from others.
drivin_me_nuts said:
Sadly you are right. people stop looking at you and seeing 'you' anyomre. they see your illness. So you do need to be careful who you tell.
Everything you wrote in first paragraph is out of your control and they are down to 'other people'. Sorry to say it, but this is no good. There are intangibles, controlled by other people. Most of us want to be loved, valued and appreciated. But they are not it. They are not enough. Sorry, but for being hard, but what do you want? It's a WIP. You will continue to be powerless in your life of you put control into the hands of others. You can give love, you can give respect... you can demand those things in others, that's all fine and positve, but you are being passive. It does not work. What do you want? Work on that first... and the wants don't involve giving control to your happiness ot other people. You need to have a good long think about this - it will take time, but the first thing is to give yourself permission to want things for yourself and not have them from others.
I don't mind you being hard or critical - it's for a good purpose.Everything you wrote in first paragraph is out of your control and they are down to 'other people'. Sorry to say it, but this is no good. There are intangibles, controlled by other people. Most of us want to be loved, valued and appreciated. But they are not it. They are not enough. Sorry, but for being hard, but what do you want? It's a WIP. You will continue to be powerless in your life of you put control into the hands of others. You can give love, you can give respect... you can demand those things in others, that's all fine and positve, but you are being passive. It does not work. What do you want? Work on that first... and the wants don't involve giving control to your happiness ot other people. You need to have a good long think about this - it will take time, but the first thing is to give yourself permission to want things for yourself and not have them from others.
Again, maybe all I've ever wanted was the intangibles. Other than that, maybe material things, although they haven't really given me a real source of happiness.
I suppose my biggest want is just to feel peace of mind and self content. But again I suppose they're also intangible.
what you have described is depression,
get yourself to the docs describe exactly how you feel , even show him/her your original post , you will be feeling much better even after speaking to the doc about it, and in a year or so once your sorted you will be able to look back and ask yourself 'why the hell did I wait so long to sort it out'..
good luck
get yourself to the docs describe exactly how you feel , even show him/her your original post , you will be feeling much better even after speaking to the doc about it, and in a year or so once your sorted you will be able to look back and ask yourself 'why the hell did I wait so long to sort it out'..
good luck
Peace of mind and being self content - what does it mean to you
Peace of mind comes from the end of switching off the 'fight and flight' process that is currently turned on and shouting. It is a work in progress that starts with the mindshift into 'I am'.
It's all past of the big adventure. It will all come.
Peace of mind comes from the end of switching off the 'fight and flight' process that is currently turned on and shouting. It is a work in progress that starts with the mindshift into 'I am'.
It's all past of the big adventure. It will all come.
drivin_me_nuts said:
Peace of mind and being self content - what does it mean to you
Peace of mind comes from the end of switching off the 'fight and flight' process that is currently turned on and shouting. It is a work in progress that starts with the mindshift into 'I am'.
It's all past of the big adventure. It will all come.
That's what I'm after and also the things that come associated with them. For me, the associations would be a loving wife, a kid(s), stability and more of the intangibles.Peace of mind comes from the end of switching off the 'fight and flight' process that is currently turned on and shouting. It is a work in progress that starts with the mindshift into 'I am'.
It's all past of the big adventure. It will all come.
Having peace of mind and being self content, to me, means not feeling as though everything is crashing down around you, that you have control, things are positive, things are manageable, goals are achievable, etc.
Being lonely is not an illness. However depression is, and it is very damaging. Truth is, once you realise you're depressed, it's already done some nasty stuff.
So keep your eye on it. Feeling "low" is one thing, there are things that can help, like mates, socialising, holidaye setc, but realsitically, this is not easy for you, (as you have said). BUT, some of this may be the result of you're low mood! IE people dont quite gel with you as you are not quite yourself.
Therein lies the problem. Medications is very good at mood improvement, but I sense you are wary of it. What I found telling in your post was your "anxiety attacks". If you know you are having these, (as many people genuinely dont), you really should get some help from your GP.
I have experienced medication that are common "anti depressants" and yet was prescribed them fot physiological symptoms following a serious injury and botched op/ poor recovery. At times during my being ill, I was low, pee'd off angry really, but generally OK about it on the "s
t happens" approach. However, after 2 years of constant pain, and ironically, just as was getting a lot better, walking again, etc, I started to get odd symptoms that were a little worrying at first, but after full checking out and given the alll clear, just got worse and worse. Apparently all due to "stress and anxiety" and yet I was the polar opposite of you, nice family life, very happy, lots of interests and did lots of stuff, (had missed a little during ilness but still done most stuff, trackdays trips abroad etc etc) and yet these symtoms just appeared littereally overnight and just got worse and worse.
I out up with it for a year or two, then tried a course of SSRIs. Low dose, instant improvement, and got better and better. Still felt the same, there really was no apparent mood issue to improve, just these annoying physiological symptoms I had, but it did improve. Get occasional bouts of these sysmtooms still, but not all the time and usually at times of relative stress, work deadlines, etc, but hardly noticeable now. And yet, the job i am in is not "stressful" by my standards, as an ex RAF pilot and Civiliant Air Traffic Controller, I know what "stress" can be!!
BUT clearly somrthing just ripped something off and I was struggling with it, physiologically too, whihc is tricky to get one's head about to be honest.
In your case, you have low mood. Believe me, you dont want to get too many more physiological symptoms, they suck, and your "anxiety attacks" you need to sort. I would highlly reocmmend a brief chat with you GP, let him trial you on a course of something, low dose, tell him your concerns about meds, let him try you on siomething that will suit. I genuinely believe if they get the right one for you, your life and mood will get better pretty quickly, and once there, I think you can start to address little by little some of things you're not happy about. But get your mood right first, otherwise people you meet will see a mile off, what you find very difficult to and it will be difficult for you to make new friends and address your loniliness problems.
Good Luck with it, forget the "stigma" life is too short. And some of us are given the same "anti depressants" for stuff that is little to do with depression at all....
So keep your eye on it. Feeling "low" is one thing, there are things that can help, like mates, socialising, holidaye setc, but realsitically, this is not easy for you, (as you have said). BUT, some of this may be the result of you're low mood! IE people dont quite gel with you as you are not quite yourself.
Therein lies the problem. Medications is very good at mood improvement, but I sense you are wary of it. What I found telling in your post was your "anxiety attacks". If you know you are having these, (as many people genuinely dont), you really should get some help from your GP.
I have experienced medication that are common "anti depressants" and yet was prescribed them fot physiological symptoms following a serious injury and botched op/ poor recovery. At times during my being ill, I was low, pee'd off angry really, but generally OK about it on the "s
t happens" approach. However, after 2 years of constant pain, and ironically, just as was getting a lot better, walking again, etc, I started to get odd symptoms that were a little worrying at first, but after full checking out and given the alll clear, just got worse and worse. Apparently all due to "stress and anxiety" and yet I was the polar opposite of you, nice family life, very happy, lots of interests and did lots of stuff, (had missed a little during ilness but still done most stuff, trackdays trips abroad etc etc) and yet these symtoms just appeared littereally overnight and just got worse and worse. I out up with it for a year or two, then tried a course of SSRIs. Low dose, instant improvement, and got better and better. Still felt the same, there really was no apparent mood issue to improve, just these annoying physiological symptoms I had, but it did improve. Get occasional bouts of these sysmtooms still, but not all the time and usually at times of relative stress, work deadlines, etc, but hardly noticeable now. And yet, the job i am in is not "stressful" by my standards, as an ex RAF pilot and Civiliant Air Traffic Controller, I know what "stress" can be!!
BUT clearly somrthing just ripped something off and I was struggling with it, physiologically too, whihc is tricky to get one's head about to be honest.
In your case, you have low mood. Believe me, you dont want to get too many more physiological symptoms, they suck, and your "anxiety attacks" you need to sort. I would highlly reocmmend a brief chat with you GP, let him trial you on a course of something, low dose, tell him your concerns about meds, let him try you on siomething that will suit. I genuinely believe if they get the right one for you, your life and mood will get better pretty quickly, and once there, I think you can start to address little by little some of things you're not happy about. But get your mood right first, otherwise people you meet will see a mile off, what you find very difficult to and it will be difficult for you to make new friends and address your loniliness problems.
Good Luck with it, forget the "stigma" life is too short. And some of us are given the same "anti depressants" for stuff that is little to do with depression at all....
Thanks for your reply. I'm glad things got better for you.
As it stands now, I'd like to continue with the counseling for a few months maybe, along with the other changes I mentioned, and see where that gets me. It may work. I live in hope.
I'm not absolutely ruling out the GP route, but I want to make sure everything else is exhausted before I take it.
As it stands now, I'd like to continue with the counseling for a few months maybe, along with the other changes I mentioned, and see where that gets me. It may work. I live in hope.
I'm not absolutely ruling out the GP route, but I want to make sure everything else is exhausted before I take it.
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