Urgent Help - Divorce related?

[Stigette]

Hi

Haven't been on here in a while but I know the mass amount of useful people and knowledge raoming the boards and am now calling on any helpful person to assist in anyway possible. (Desperate times and all..)


Breif overview

• Split up with ex a year ago
• I moved in with my parents
• We have a small lad together
• He still lives in our house (mortgaged)
• I take no money from him for our child and I have contributed to the mortgage also
• Both our names are still on the mortgate
• We have been trying to sell the past year to reach an amicable agreement and move on - nothings happened
• He works long and stupid shifts - mostly weekends, so I fit my/sons life around him

However tonight I learnt after rearranging my life again and missing out on a racing apportunity that he wasn't working away as said, he was shagging his new misses. Made me even more annoyed as I had an urgent health problem with our son and it took him 3 days to reply. I decided to legally enter our home this evening to reclaim my final belongings..(mostly left to try and sell the house)

Now..

• I did not damage or steal anything.
• Looking at bills lying around the house he appears to be in severe finanical problems and his bank account has not been covering the mortgage
• His girlfriend has clearly moved in
• His female flat mate that was helping with mortgage has clearly moved out
• From a little good/bad list his girlfriend has made she wants to stop all contact with our son
• Large number of my personal belongings have been deliberatly damaged and masses of mail belonging to me not passed over

Now of course my first actions tommorrow will be to speak to mortgate people, solicitors and CSA to know where I stand.

But I would like ANY advice anyone can offer?

My thoughts..

• Move back in and change locks before he gets back from holiday?
• I earn over the bracket for finanical help but not by much - speak to employer about getting it lowered appropriatly? Anyone know the bracket?

OK I don't have that many thoughts I need more...

Now this is important. I want to be SMART, not spiteful.*

• I am not taking any action until I have spoken to my solicitor but I would appreciate any heads up to get the ball rolling.

• My son remains paramount thoughout. His dads contact has been very minimal, but minimal is better than nothing in my sons eyes.

• I have an MX5 it has been 335d mapped
• I have taken it up the oxo tower, physically and mentally (see above)
• I would love to nuke him into orbit if I had the means
• I have only partly spell checked this

So go..abuse...insults...grammar errors...PMs of willys...but most of all..legal and financial advice!!!

The Stigette


*If all you have is spiteful comments thats fine, post those to. Worst comes to worse they may come in handy.

[Stigette]

missdiane said:

No advice but sounds totally unreasonable what he is doing. You are paying the joint mortgage and a bint has moved in.... I would be changing the locks, can you get away with it?

I am hoping so, but am trying to be smart and do everything legally.

Thanks for the reply

[Stigette]

PhantomHumper said:

Apparently your name is Bob so think I will wait before I send the pictures of my willy.

Its short for bobette, willy pics will make me send away

[Stigette]

Airbag said:

Well, you've covered most things, only left out whether or not you have a strap-on for VBRJ.







If you do, I suggest you use it.

Damn, not kept up with PH lingo. VBRJ sounds fun tho!

[Stigette]

DrTre said:

Afraid I can offer no advice except to say to all people asking for advice about relationship matters, that's how to write an OP for the PH audience.

Short, bulleted, no bullst, straight to the point with the piece de resistance of more than a nod of humour thrown in at the end.

I like it.

Well done.

Hope you win.

Thank you very much. If it adds anything to my credibility, I am rather drunk

p.s. sorry I am not double quoting here, more than I can cope with now

[Stigette]

mickken said:

Changing the locks is a no no. That will not help the situation at all.

Is he working? Can you cover the mortgage on your own? (not that you'd want to, but to stop repossession it may be an option. A repossessed house at the moment will get WELL below market price at the moment)

I would take the view:

- Kid number one priority
- Saving house / equity number two
- Ex- will be number 4 below wiping the dirt off your feet!!

Not a good situation, but trying to be amicable is best (I get the opinion that is what you want too), good luck to you!

Damn, afraid someone was going to say that, he is working, we earn about the same. I would struggle to take mortgage on, on my own. He has offered before to sign the house over to me and he walks away, not sure if he would still do this though.

Our house has dropped 30k with the current climate

And yes, son is priority and I wanted to keep everything amicable but without turning my OP into a rant he has pushed everything beyond the means of what is acceptable and this was final straw in amicableness and I will not be a walkover anymore.

[Stigette]

MrV said:

Much as you might like to you can not change the locks ,you can move back in though if you really want to which I guess you would not really want to do

Re the mortgage if your in arrears your both libel for them regardless of whether you have been paying your half of it or not (It sucks but having been there I know this is the case )

Damage to your property ,can you prove it was not damaged before you moved out ? or even prove it is not just wear and tear.

Damage was personal belongs photos ripped, personal ornament type things smashed.

OK I have ruled out changing the locks. Bugger.

[Stigette]

deviant said:

Are you fit?

Apparently, never seen why myself tho.

[Stigette]

tinman0 said:

Christ, don't change the locks! He, and (probably) the girlfriend, have right of abode. If you change the locks he will simply have you thrown out of the property on his return and let you pay the entire mortgage whilst he lives there for as long as he wants. Got told that when I wanted to do the same to my xwife. Never change the locks on a property thinking that the other person ceases to live there at that point as you are breaking all sorts of laws, and seriously empower the other person.

Dunno what advice you get, but you may be told to suspend your own mortgage payments and let the mortgage company repossess the place and get shot of it.

Thanks, Locksmith cancelled.

[Stigette]

jessica said:

move back in.........
first BIG mistake was leaving in the first place.
you cannot legally change the locks but you can legally add additional ones.
mortgage arreers are joint.However if you can prove in court you paid your half it wont look good for hims if he not paying maitenance then CSA involvement will get you money before his wages are paid t o him.
it is best if you can sort most things yourselves as solicitors charge upwards of £150 an hour. However if he is taking the mickey you are left with no option to go to the courts for guidance. I wish you luck,took me 3 years to get divorced and get the finances sorted out. Oh and i had to go to court.

Now thats interesting.

Yes I have been an idiot up to now, moving out and thinking he would not be an arse, this is now all damamge limitation action.

Thanks for your post, I do appreciate it.

I am trying to reply to everyone but struggling. But everything posted so far has been brilliant, even SWTs!! :P

Please keep it coming.

[Stigette]

Ozone said:

Get some advise from your mortgage co. - can you arrange a mortgage holiday or extend the mortgage period to lower the payments, better than reposession.

Lower the asking price for the house and get the sale done as soon as posible so that you can move on.

Failing all that, superglue the door locks - fk 'em.

HTH

(if this does help, are you grateful?....... )

Will get a better idea of mortgate tommorrow but am thinking the ex has used all the payment holidays

If house price goes any lower it will be in negative equity.

Superglue...option noted.

Grateful..test me

[Stigette]

Cheeky Jim said:

Well not being a solicitor i can only offer some thoughts;

1) Would moving in and changing the locks not simply be a rather large red rag to a bull and likely to incite flared tempers to say the least and possible horrendous confrontation infront of jr at the worst?

2) If you are now fully aware of his financial situation, would it not be a better plan to offer to move into the house and take over the responsibility of the mortgage? By the sounds of it, he'd be foolish to say no, its an opportunity to devolve himself from some financial responsibility and it's likely to be cheaper to rent a place of his own? Depends if he is behind with the payments or not?

3) Can you speak to the mortgage company about a payment holiday for a short period in order to give you some time to sort out finances?

4) Try and be amicable with him. DO NOT devalue yourself by even referring to his new girlfriend. Arrange to meet him somewhere neutral - local cafe/coffee shop - without her in tow. She is clearly only interested in securing his exclusive focus on her. Any decent woman would accept he has some responsibilities to his son whether she likes it or not. She sounds like a dopey tart. (maybe you could sabotage her car or something at a suitable later date?) (Or alternatively as you appreciate oxo tower action, you could stick her toothbrush up your bum and then put it back? or pee on it etc something subtle anyway!)

1) - Maybe
2) - This is an option
3) - Will try but think Ex has used them all
4) - Unfortunaly they took their toothbrushes on holiday, not that it entered my head, honest, she seems to be the main driving power behind a lot of this all was amicable before, she is an idiot, and its hard not to respond to her text talk textes of threats but I am holding out so far.

[Stigette]

mickken said:

Cheeky Jim said:

3) Can you speak to the mortgage company about a payment holiday for a short period in order to give you some time to sort out finances?

.....forgot to say this. No one wants to repossess at the moment, give thm the whole story, tears and all...they'll be understanding. At least, they blooody well should be....

Good point, thanks!

And I carnt find de speel cheker - gimme a break

[Stigette]

MrV said:

Just a thought but if he has offered to sign the house over to you would what your already paying plus renting it out cover the repayments ?

It might be a short term fix and get you out of the crap till the market picks back up again

I have thought of renting it out as an option, and if he signs over to me and I live there I think I would at least need a flat mate.

Also my parents want me to go the route of taking it on then contacting one of tthese people who will guarentee buying my house (at an extremely low value of course) but I am still not sure.

[Stigette]

The Excession said:

DrTre said:

Afraid I can offer no advice except to say to all people asking for advice about relationship matters, that's how to write an OP for the PH audience.

Short, bulleted, no bullst, straight to the point with the piece de resistance of more than a nod of humour thrown in at the end.

I like it.

Well done.

Hope you win.

Seconded. That's the single most coherent post I've ever read on PH regarding a situation like this. (Witness my own sticky situation).

To the OP I hope all goes well. I shall be watching this thread with great interest.

Thank you, you honestly have no idea how much that means to me. Despite my recent lack of posts I am a massive PH fan!

[Stigette]

cazzer said:

Can I add a not very helpful suggestion that in my experience, once another woman gets involved it never stays amicable.
Get a solicitor, cos if it's going to go tits up, you can guarantee he will and then the VBRJ will be happening but in the wrong direction.

p.s. Ding Dong

Yes, the other woman has appeared to turn this sour. I am not jealous, leaving him was the best decision I have ever made.

OK someone has to explain VBRJ to me sorry....


Ding dong?

nice car btw :P

[Stigette]

^Thanks


Lad its eight. Amazingly cool kid and only thing keeping sane tbh.

Ozone said:

See a solicitor, you should have a better argument to get the house to live in for your son, the courts will see the childs needs needs as paramount.

The CSA will help you but if your ex decides that he doesn't want to earn to pay you he can opt for redundancy and that will reduce your claim from him.

See the thread regarding leaving st around the house for him.... in the cushions, behind the curtains/radiators etc

Thinking of a test..............

Thanks

Notes taken on first two points.

I couldn't do the third even if I wanted to *shudder*

Test...that is pretty slow thinking fot PH

[Stigette]

oooh look at me with my clever quoting..

Colonial said:

You sound like pretty decent sort actually.

Free for dinner next tuesday?

Now there is the PH I know and love

Sounds great, can't promise I will pay my half though (see above).

Mark2008 said:

So you say that you have been helping with the mortgage, but that he hasn't actually been paying it... does that mean that he has been taking your money? Or did you pay the mortgage directly but he just didn't pay his share? Also have you been paying equal amounts?

At the moment this is all guess work until I speak to Northern Rock (does that make matters worse?) And my contributions have been to him and other than a bank record not much else to show for it. Yes I am stupid!

A lot of it has been on a good will agreement. I didn't contribute to bills as I despite living at parents I still pay a fair whack myself and he got a flat mate move in, but I did help with mortgage, but this has never been exact, we have a tracker? mortgage so it has dropped by about 250-300 from insterest changes in the last few months.

Ozone said:

Stigette said:

I couldn't do the third even if I wanted to *shudder*

If things get worse you'll wish you had...........

Alternatively cut your losses, sign the house over to the ex so that you are no longer liable and get your name down on a housing list - if the house is nearly negative equity you haven't lost anything and there won't be a black mark against your name for future borrowing.

Nope, never do it

This is seemingly more and more likely

cazzer said:

Ding Dong....Lesley Phillips impression. Means you sound like a lovely girl.

About the car....thanks....although I spent all night under the bonnet replacing a fried coil.

VBRJ (Vigilante Bum Rape Justice)

Aah thanks, I do try

Aaw, well beauties like that need lots of TLC

VBRJ I thought it was something to do with vibrators....still added to the options list!!

[Stigette]

Colonial said:

Stigette said:

oooh look at me with my clever quoting..

Colonial said:

You sound like pretty decent sort actually.

Free for dinner next tuesday?

Now there is the PH I know and love

Sounds great, can't promise I will pay my half though (see above).

I can guarantee an Australian kiss

It's like a french kiss, but down under.

Now where's that damm bouncing eyebrow smiley...

Edited by Colonial on Thursday 26th March 01:22

Snogging in OZ!! Wow amazing 1st date - am there, pick me up at 7!


And thanks MArk2008 thats in interesting point!

[Stigette]

woaah!

It is NOT a pack of lies I can assure you, why the hell would I post a pack of lies? I am trying to get legal/financial advice on my situation what use is it, if it is all lies?

I have not posted any bitterness, I am numb to the situation, tbh I could have posted another 1000000 words on the awful things he has done but for what purpose? - all I want is a home and secure finacial situation for my son, nothing more - if I can get to this with minimal conflict it will be a bonus. Am sorry you went through such an ordeal with you ex which has made you as you are, however we are not all like that. As am certain not all men are SWS (did that work Ali )

I am actually a very regular PHer, but on a different account, however I chose to use an old one as I feared I may get some negative responses from bitter males. Some online friends from here have already picked up on who my other account is and have kindly contacted me - thank you. If anyone actually would like to offer any advice in return for a pint I do offer FULL transperancy!!!
I would also quite happily refer my ex to this thread - but I imagine his reponse would be the same I get from all phone calls, texts and emails - silence.

Thank you though for the post previous to that, some useful points. I really do want to stay away from CSA as I have male friends who they have made their lives miserable and I even contemplated a "last chance" call to my ex before we went any further as its does seem this new woman is driving all the conflict.

Thanks also Ali - I do have today off work to sort this out I have made a million phonecalls and ran ragged all day so had been reading but not posting.

Gkhar - Your hysterical, I love your posts.

Phantomhumper - I dunno if Bobette is a real name but its not mine, mine is more normal and less manly.


Adam B - I haven't text anything was what I was trying to stay, as I said, smart not spiteful.


Little Update -

Got solicitors appointment for this afternoon!!

Rang mortgage people, his last payment on it was defered but his bank allowed a further overdraft now into several thousands, I doubt he will make the next payment. He also doesnt appear to have applied for the remortgage he said he was so that he could buy me out.

I do not qualify for legal aid my wages takes me about 60 pound over the limit and if my wages were reduced I could be looked at for abaiding? something

Also just in case anyone has tried to PM with willy pics or advice the email on here was dead but I have changed it so please resend

I will confess one thing..I may have relocated a couple of items when I was in house - not damaged or stolen - just moved to another part of the house. One was the remote control for the TV