Parents moving away
Discussion
I've thought about posting this for a few days, no doubt opening myself up for ridicule but sometimes "its good to talk", and it might be good to get some other perspective from people who have been in a similar situation.
For clarity, I'm a 40 year old bloke with a wife and 2 kids (10 & 6). We live on the South Coast. Her parents and my mother/stepdad live local (within 5 miles). My dad/step-mum are also within 15 miles. My only surviving grandparent (Nan) also lives in this area.
My mothers close friend has recently moved to Cumbria, and she/stepdad went to visit them last week and really enjoyed the area. My mother is horsey which is obviously a lifestyle etc, and whilst she has that here (stables in the garden, field down the lane opposite and riding straight out onto the New Forest) they have decided they too are aiming to move to Cumbria, near to their friends. They can sell their lovely house down here, by a place with land etc up there.
Whilst ultimately its nothing to do with me, I'm struggling with this idea. I flit between being really positive for them and really pissed off. They were fairly negative about their friends moving initially and didn't understand why they were doing it.
On the one hand I totally see the positives. The scenery is incredible, its quieter, you get more for your money (not that they need more, as they're not doing it to downsize or release capital) and they will be near their closest friends. My stepdad is originally from Newcastle area and his sister is still up there.
...but on the other hand I'm finding the idea incredibly selfish on their part. It seems that horsey lifestyle takes priority for her (as it has done my whole life tbf) and she is willing to move 300 miles, 6hr drive away from us and my kids so she can play horses.
Whilst she hasn't been the greatest grandparent to my kids, she has always been local. She obviously loves them dearly and is always good with them, and we can pop in whenever. She comes and looks after them occasionally when we go out, very occasionally picks them up from school if we need help, comes to school plays, that kind of stuff. They've never had a sleepover there as my stepdad isn't the most tolerant with kids. She also lives just around the corner from her mother, whos eyesight is failing and is in the latter years of her life. Shes just about clinging onto independence...
I'm really struggling to get my head round the mentality of her to move that far away from us all. Just to up sticks and move 6hrs away from my kids mostly. She'll barely see them. Its not like we can just pop up for a weekend, due to the distance, and even if we could we'd be very unlikely to be able to stay with them due to the way my stepdad is with the kids. At a guess we'd probably manage a 5 day trip once a year and then maybe I'd pop up on my own once or twice a year, delivering my Nan up there and then collecting her some weeks later maybe, assuming she doesn't move too (she called me in tears yesterday as its thrown things up in the air for her too)
The thing is, if I could move to Wales, the Isle of Wight or Devon (for example) I probably would, so I don't begrudge them moving to somewhere new and exciting, but its just so far away! I'm just really struggling to get my head around this.
I mean there is a possibility she hates us all and is trying to get as far away as possible so she doesn't have to see us....
For clarity, I'm a 40 year old bloke with a wife and 2 kids (10 & 6). We live on the South Coast. Her parents and my mother/stepdad live local (within 5 miles). My dad/step-mum are also within 15 miles. My only surviving grandparent (Nan) also lives in this area.
My mothers close friend has recently moved to Cumbria, and she/stepdad went to visit them last week and really enjoyed the area. My mother is horsey which is obviously a lifestyle etc, and whilst she has that here (stables in the garden, field down the lane opposite and riding straight out onto the New Forest) they have decided they too are aiming to move to Cumbria, near to their friends. They can sell their lovely house down here, by a place with land etc up there.
Whilst ultimately its nothing to do with me, I'm struggling with this idea. I flit between being really positive for them and really pissed off. They were fairly negative about their friends moving initially and didn't understand why they were doing it.
On the one hand I totally see the positives. The scenery is incredible, its quieter, you get more for your money (not that they need more, as they're not doing it to downsize or release capital) and they will be near their closest friends. My stepdad is originally from Newcastle area and his sister is still up there.
...but on the other hand I'm finding the idea incredibly selfish on their part. It seems that horsey lifestyle takes priority for her (as it has done my whole life tbf) and she is willing to move 300 miles, 6hr drive away from us and my kids so she can play horses.
Whilst she hasn't been the greatest grandparent to my kids, she has always been local. She obviously loves them dearly and is always good with them, and we can pop in whenever. She comes and looks after them occasionally when we go out, very occasionally picks them up from school if we need help, comes to school plays, that kind of stuff. They've never had a sleepover there as my stepdad isn't the most tolerant with kids. She also lives just around the corner from her mother, whos eyesight is failing and is in the latter years of her life. Shes just about clinging onto independence...
I'm really struggling to get my head round the mentality of her to move that far away from us all. Just to up sticks and move 6hrs away from my kids mostly. She'll barely see them. Its not like we can just pop up for a weekend, due to the distance, and even if we could we'd be very unlikely to be able to stay with them due to the way my stepdad is with the kids. At a guess we'd probably manage a 5 day trip once a year and then maybe I'd pop up on my own once or twice a year, delivering my Nan up there and then collecting her some weeks later maybe, assuming she doesn't move too (she called me in tears yesterday as its thrown things up in the air for her too)
The thing is, if I could move to Wales, the Isle of Wight or Devon (for example) I probably would, so I don't begrudge them moving to somewhere new and exciting, but its just so far away! I'm just really struggling to get my head around this.
I mean there is a possibility she hates us all and is trying to get as far away as possible so she doesn't have to see us....
Crudeoink said:
In the grand scheme of things 6hrs really isn't that far to see a parent / grandparents. It's always interesting when you hear Americans saying a friend that lives 2-3hrs away is 'close' but in the UK people seem to think its a near impossible distance to travel to see someone.
If she can come and see you every other month and you visit her once a month your kids will get to see their grandparents every month and get a change of scenery from the south coast
Thank you. A fair point but visits from her down here will be non-existent as we've no space for them to stay, and she couldn't/wouldn't leave the horse. I just cant see when they'll ever see them.If she can come and see you every other month and you visit her once a month your kids will get to see their grandparents every month and get a change of scenery from the south coast
LimmerickLad said:
They may be parents / grandparents but they are also human beings as well and entitled to live their lives as they see fit and, IMO you should encourage them to do so not put your own emotional barriers in their way.
From their point of view, I have no issue with them moving. I jokingly suggested it in the first place and sent them a link to a property when they were there and clearly enjoying it, and I will continue to encourage them if that is the path they wish to take, despite my reservations.deckster said:
Shnozz said:
James_33 said:
Can i be honest?
You sound like you are making this all about you and what you want as opposed to what maybe she wants?
I can't help but read it the same way - albeit the move will no doubt impact on the kids also and their relationship with their grandparents. You sound like you are making this all about you and what you want as opposed to what maybe she wants?
Ultimately, however, it is their life and they shouldn't be criticised for the decisions they make IMO, whether they are selfish or otherwise. When I was about 20, my parents moved to Spain where they remained for about a decade. In that time, I moved from one side of the UK to the other myself. I think its unhealthy to have geographical ties purely based on people that live nearby, but then I don't have children and can see how that alters things.
Does that makes her selfish? Not in my book.
MYOB said:
Will you grandmother have anyone else, beside you, to take care of her when it’s needed?
Not really, it'll be down to me and my wife mostly. He son (my uncle) lives about an hour away and does some things, but not much. She was very upset yesterday as she doesn't know what she will do. She doesn't want to move away from us all, she would miss my kids massively, but equally can't see a future without my mothers assistance as she deteriorates (poor eyesight and getting worse).bristolbaron said:
We give selfish a negative definition. It’s absolutely selfish to put herself first, but it’s also absolutely okay to do so.
She’s living her life 365 days of the year and is making a lifestyle decision based on these days, which is the right thing to do. She is giving up close contact with family to live this life as well.
An open conversation around decision making is a good idea, but only when OP isn’t in the mindset of ‘think about what I’m losing’ rather than ‘have you considered what you’re losing’ if you move.
Thank you. This is good advice. I'm not in the right place for that just yet which is why I thought I'd open it up to the floor, so to speak. As I've mentioned, if I could do it I probably would, so I don't begrudge them, it just feels so far as someone else said. If it was a couple of hours its doable in a day or whatever, whereas this is a 10/12hr round trip. Its not something you can just do for a weekend really.She’s living her life 365 days of the year and is making a lifestyle decision based on these days, which is the right thing to do. She is giving up close contact with family to live this life as well.
An open conversation around decision making is a good idea, but only when OP isn’t in the mindset of ‘think about what I’m losing’ rather than ‘have you considered what you’re losing’ if you move.
pocketspring said:
To the people saying the OP is being selfish, let me put some experience down.
My mum was into horses way before I was born, when she was a child in fact. When my sister was born (four years before me), my mum got her into horses. When her daughter was born, my sister got her into horses.
Trust me, everything, but everything, revolves around horses. Do you know how naff it is during school holidays and most weekends, when you're a kid, to be dragged to horse shows and be bored out of your head from early morning to late evening? Do you know how awful it feels when its school sports day and you look around looking for your parents only to find they're not there because the horse needs mucking out or feeding etc? Or having to wait up to an hour to be picked up from school because "I lost track of time". Or having to eat the worst crap reduced food from the bargain bucket bin to make sure the horses got the nice food despite being out on grass most of the day and also having to pay for expensive hay and straw along with the vets bills?
We're not talking once or twice, this was a daily occurrence.
The OP has my deepest sympathies.
Ha, I can relate. It's been my whole life. The horses have always come first. I used to have to cycle to the farm when I was a kid, in the pissing rain, whilst she was at work...to get her horse out of the rain. My nan yesterday said she wishes she'd never got my mother into horses all those years ago!!!My mum was into horses way before I was born, when she was a child in fact. When my sister was born (four years before me), my mum got her into horses. When her daughter was born, my sister got her into horses.
Trust me, everything, but everything, revolves around horses. Do you know how naff it is during school holidays and most weekends, when you're a kid, to be dragged to horse shows and be bored out of your head from early morning to late evening? Do you know how awful it feels when its school sports day and you look around looking for your parents only to find they're not there because the horse needs mucking out or feeding etc? Or having to wait up to an hour to be picked up from school because "I lost track of time". Or having to eat the worst crap reduced food from the bargain bucket bin to make sure the horses got the nice food despite being out on grass most of the day and also having to pay for expensive hay and straw along with the vets bills?
We're not talking once or twice, this was a daily occurrence.
The OP has my deepest sympathies.
Muzzer79 said:
You’re being spectacularly selfish.
Even potentially acknowledging your selfishness above, you still spin this as a potential for you to have a free place to stay and impose yourself on your parents
They have their own life - it doesn’t and shouldn’t revolve around you or whatever offspring you’ve decided to produce.
FWIW, my father is considering a move away from our area. My only concern is him having a support network in case he gets ill and needs looking after. Apart from that, it’s his life, his money and his choice.
Thank you, I think....maybe its the way the text is coming over, but I'm not meaning to be selfish. They've said about us staying with them etc, which is why they're looking at 5/6/7 bed houses. It's not me imposing myself. I'm the one saying we'd be unlikely, as a family, to stay with them due to stepdads volatility with the kids, but maybe deep down I am being selfish and that's why its coming over like that to several posters.Even potentially acknowledging your selfishness above, you still spin this as a potential for you to have a free place to stay and impose yourself on your parents
They have their own life - it doesn’t and shouldn’t revolve around you or whatever offspring you’ve decided to produce.
FWIW, my father is considering a move away from our area. My only concern is him having a support network in case he gets ill and needs looking after. Apart from that, it’s his life, his money and his choice.
sjc said:
I can’t see they’re being selfish at all. They’ve done their job,it’s their time now.If I was lucky enough to still have my parents alive they’d go with my blessing and it’d be my turn to make the efforts to see them.
Could you persuade them to went up there for a year first?
As I've said, if it was just me they'd have my blessing, but I'm concerned at what little relationship they'd have with my kids, but I suppose when you look at it objectively they don't have much of a relationship anyway..Could you persuade them to went up there for a year first?
JackJarvis said:
OP isn't happy his free childcare is being removed.
Good on them I say, life is short.
Thankfully Mother in Law does the vast majority. My mother does very occasional (5/6 times a year) babysitting when we go out for dinner or similar and I think shes picked them up from school maybe two or three times, so I'm not going to be missing too much "free child care". They've never had a sleepover with her or anything like that. I used to spend every Friday night with my Nan when I was a kid as my mother was out or horsing the following day!Good on them I say, life is short.
JuanCarlosFandango said:
How old are they? From my experience I suspect they will get a shock and miss the grandchildren more than they think.
They will also find it quite difficult to make friends and probably have a domestic version of the classic expat realisation that living somewhere nice isn't like being on holiday forever. Cumbria is cold, dark and wet for months on end. Depending where you are it can take ages to get anywhere and friendly locals can be insular and even resentful.
People say 6 hours isn't the end of the world and is doable for a weekend etc but the reality is if you chuck the kids in the car outside school at 3 o'clock on the button and head straight off without stopping and the traffic is all clear you'll get there knackered at 9pm. To go back on Sunday you'll probably want to leave around lunchtime if you need to sort stuff out for the week and get an early night. So you'll have one bleary Saturday and a Sunday morning overshadowed by needing to leave.
It is doable but in my estimation neither enjoyable or sustainable. You'll probably end up going there twice a year.
Add in that if they're around 70 then things can deteriorate pretty quickly. Mine were absolutely fine until their early 70s, they are still functioning now and I hope have many years left, but they are slow, clumsy and muddle headed. If they were to undertake a 6 hour drive now I'd be worried. When my dad goes up a step ladder I'm worried. When my mother goes down the steps in the garden I'm worried. Stuff in their fridge is of more interest to archaeologists than someone looking for food.
And if one of them is rushed to hospital for something then the other will go to pieces and you being 6 hours away will not help.
Mine are very close and although that comes with its own frustrations I at least feel I can do something to help and be on hand.
Everyone is different and that sort of thing might work for some but I can see an awful lot of downsides for the benefit of a bit more space for a horse!
You've articulated my thoughts really well there. Stepdad is 65 and in poor health, ex smoker, COPD, Type 1 Diabetic. Mother is 62. They're not old, but if things go south its not like I can pop round and help out. They couldn't start the mower the other day, I was dropping something off to them and they mentioned it in passing, I got it started immediately. They'll only have their friends who recently moved there too. They'll have no support network as they age and I can't drop everything to help them.They will also find it quite difficult to make friends and probably have a domestic version of the classic expat realisation that living somewhere nice isn't like being on holiday forever. Cumbria is cold, dark and wet for months on end. Depending where you are it can take ages to get anywhere and friendly locals can be insular and even resentful.
People say 6 hours isn't the end of the world and is doable for a weekend etc but the reality is if you chuck the kids in the car outside school at 3 o'clock on the button and head straight off without stopping and the traffic is all clear you'll get there knackered at 9pm. To go back on Sunday you'll probably want to leave around lunchtime if you need to sort stuff out for the week and get an early night. So you'll have one bleary Saturday and a Sunday morning overshadowed by needing to leave.
It is doable but in my estimation neither enjoyable or sustainable. You'll probably end up going there twice a year.
Add in that if they're around 70 then things can deteriorate pretty quickly. Mine were absolutely fine until their early 70s, they are still functioning now and I hope have many years left, but they are slow, clumsy and muddle headed. If they were to undertake a 6 hour drive now I'd be worried. When my dad goes up a step ladder I'm worried. When my mother goes down the steps in the garden I'm worried. Stuff in their fridge is of more interest to archaeologists than someone looking for food.
And if one of them is rushed to hospital for something then the other will go to pieces and you being 6 hours away will not help.
Mine are very close and although that comes with its own frustrations I at least feel I can do something to help and be on hand.
Everyone is different and that sort of thing might work for some but I can see an awful lot of downsides for the benefit of a bit more space for a horse!
At the moment I see maybe a week stay as a family during the summer holidays, and then me taking my Nan up, staying for a few days, leaving her there and then coming to collect her a month or so later, a couple of times a year if she stays here.
MYOB said:
S100HP said:
MYOB said:
Will you grandmother have anyone else, beside you, to take care of her when it’s needed?
Not really, it'll be down to me and my wife mostly. He son (my uncle) lives about an hour away and does some things, but not much. She was very upset yesterday as she doesn't know what she will do. She doesn't want to move away from us all, she would miss my kids massively, but equally can't see a future without my mothers assistance as she deteriorates (poor eyesight and getting worse).It would be unfair to expect you to do this when you are working full time and have your own family to take care of.
Collectingbrass said:
It's a difficult one. That said, it doesn't sound to me like the OP is the one being selfish here, and I do wonder why the OP's parent's feel the need to chase their friends.
It's come as a bit of a shock if I'm honest, especially given their negativity to their friends moving a few months back. They had a lovely big house, land etc, everything you could want and my parents didn't understand this desire for more. My parents have a nice house, stables in the back garden, open access to the forest etc, yet here they are wanting "more" when sometimes what you have is already enough. They already have more than most people will ever have.b
hstewie said:
hstewie said: Again have you considered it may simply be the "just spent a week away in the sunshine with friends" thing that happens with lots of people after a holiday?
Maybe a little too much Escape to the Country and A Place in the Sun etc.
Just gently highlighting that lots of people will have those thoughts but it's not quite the same thing as a For Sale sign being driven into the ground
Potentially but they seem pretty set. Valuations coming on their house this week, particulars of places up there being shared etc. They seem pretty set on the idea.Maybe a little too much Escape to the Country and A Place in the Sun etc.
Just gently highlighting that lots of people will have those thoughts but it's not quite the same thing as a For Sale sign being driven into the ground
Muzzer79 said:
S100HP said:
As I've said, if it was just me they'd have my blessing, but I'm concerned at what little relationship they'd have with my kids, but I suppose when you look at it objectively they don't have much of a relationship anyway..
But it’s up to your Mum and step dad to decide what relationship they have with your kids. If they don’t want to be close to them, that’s perhaps a little sad, but it’s their life and their choice. Their your kids, not theirs. I don’t see why you’d be pissed off at it.
Muzzer79 said:
JuanCarlosFandango said:
What's interesting to me is that at one time I'd have been absolutely on the side of saying it's their life, their choice etc and the OP is selfishly wanting to keep things how they are because it suits him.
That's actually turned upside down for me now. I think the OP is actually being very sensible and considerate in trying to keep the family together with kids and grandparents part of each other's lives. The selfishness is that sort of atomistic individualism which says "life's too short" and people should do what they want, as though a paddock in Cumbria is more likely to make you "happy" than seeing your grandchildren grow up.
Why should the OPs parent stay in an area they don’t want to? If the OP is so concerned about keeping the family unit together, perhaps he should move to Cumbria with them?That's actually turned upside down for me now. I think the OP is actually being very sensible and considerate in trying to keep the family together with kids and grandparents part of each other's lives. The selfishness is that sort of atomistic individualism which says "life's too short" and people should do what they want, as though a paddock in Cumbria is more likely to make you "happy" than seeing your grandchildren grow up.
You (and the OP) are in no place to decide what will make his parents “happy”
You have one life, don’t live it for others.
Greshamst said:
S100HP said:
as my stepdad isn't the most tolerant with kids..
You’ve mentioned this multiple times… is there something you’d like to talk more about?I forgot to add. His daughter lives locally (shes a couple of years older than I) with her teenage son. They have barely seen each other for the last few years, despite proximity. I've no idea if she knows of their plans, but its doubtful.
Edited by S100HP on Sunday 10th September 11:56
thepeoplespal said:
Sounds like your mum might want to be getting away for the responsibility of looking after your gran. As for your stepfather he sounds like he will need to be near a damn good hospital and living in Cumbria may mean trips to Manchester or Liverpool if things get complicated.
If something happens to them and it will, there is no way you are going to be able to help them with anything and your mum may have to give up her beloved horses sooner than if she stays put, if she ends up with multi hour trips to Cumbria everyday.
Cumbria can be miserable with all the rain it gets compared to the South Coast, certainly a lot less opportunity to ride in good conditions.
Some good points here. I think I'm going to have to have a proper talk with them at some point. I think their minds are made up but if I say nothing and pretend all is well then I'll regret that. As I've said several times, I do see the pros, and this thread has helped to some degree, but I feel I need to be honest too. These points will be useful when I say my bit.If something happens to them and it will, there is no way you are going to be able to help them with anything and your mum may have to give up her beloved horses sooner than if she stays put, if she ends up with multi hour trips to Cumbria everyday.
Cumbria can be miserable with all the rain it gets compared to the South Coast, certainly a lot less opportunity to ride in good conditions.
emperorburger said:
OP, you have my sympathies. However I think you are probably far more sentimental and attuned to the importance of close family (both emotionally and geographically) than your mother is capable of comprehending.
I guess because my wife is so family focused I see the other side. My side of the family are not a close family really, but maybe that is because we were relatively close geographically, kind of taken it for granted they'd always be local I guess, which is why this is such a shock.LimmerickLad said:
Isn't this the real key for them?
"The scenery is incredible, its quieter, you get more for your money (not that they need more, as they're not doing it to downsize or release capital)"
The may not want equity release but simply by moving will they not automatically be releasing capital anyway? Something that may not neccessarily be the case if the only moved a couple of hours away. i.e. the Cotswolds.
"The scenery is incredible, its quieter, you get more for your money (not that they need more, as they're not doing it to downsize or release capital)"
The may not want equity release but simply by moving will they not automatically be releasing capital anyway? Something that may not neccessarily be the case if the only moved a couple of hours away. i.e. the Cotswolds.
Spare tyre said:
I’d be miffed for selfish reasons
Presumably you might start having to look after then in the near future, lot harder from a far
Do they need to free up some cash, south coast prices are strong, so presumably might work nicely for them
Money is certainly not the driver in this. They'd sell their house and are looking for something for a similar value up there. They will not be downsizing although they will get a bigger house with land rather than a bigger house down here. They still have hundreds of ks in the bank which they could use to top up the purchase if they wanted, but are very comfortable.Presumably you might start having to look after then in the near future, lot harder from a far
Do they need to free up some cash, south coast prices are strong, so presumably might work nicely for them
I think I'm going to have to be a bit brutal just to set the expectations around visiting and future help as they age, as in there will be none given the distance.
Welcome. said:
Cutting them off isn't going to help is it? Maybe they don't want your help in the future as they have 'hundreds of ks' in the bank and can afford private nursing?
Maybe you're right, but it feels like a fairly lonely existence as they get older, rather than us all being able to pop in, help out, take them out, hospital visits etc etc. Who knows, maybe that is what they want.paulrockliffe said:
I grew up in the lakes, the weather is better than people are making out.
But where are they going to ride horses? It's all lakes and mountains and tourists, it's not horse country and there's not much to ride compared with the rest of the country.
They stayed near Kirkby Stephens and apparently the riding was incredible. From what she said you can just ride out onto the Fells, which I totally understand the desire to do that.But where are they going to ride horses? It's all lakes and mountains and tourists, it's not horse country and there's not much to ride compared with the rest of the country.
Spare tyre said:
How old is your name, without sounding mean, she can’t have long left
87 now, 88 in May. Will probably be blind in the next 18 months.dontlookdown said:
Mojooo said:
Moving away from her elderly mum is a bit off
Is your mum going to move back down south when she needs help in x years?
This. Good chance she'll be looking at you when the heavy lifting has to be done. Not really on in my book. Is your mum going to move back down south when she needs help in x years?
Às far as seeing the grandkids goes, it's a shame your ma doesn't seem to value the relationship that much, but that's how it goes. I would be sad about that too if I were the OP. But there's not much you can do about it.
A robust conversation was had yesterday with my mother. She thought I was very pro her moving as I'd sent her a property or two when she initially said about it and I was very clear about the lack of visits we'd have. She said its only 5hrs up the road (its closer to 6) and how we cant stay with them due to the way my stepdad is etc, how they'd be on their own should they become ill etc but she was fairly flippant about that (I'll drive him to the hospital and if we're both ill we'll share a taxi) so she seems fairly set about this. Suffice to say our relationship is strained currently....
Puggit said:
I'd suggest they go and visit the area at another time of year - Cumbria is known for being the wettest part of England 
Be grateful they've hung around this long, my father and step-mother along with my in-laws both moved 3 hours away (to Devon and Suffolk) when we were expecting our first.
I did say that to them, they visited in the nicest week of the year. I suggested they rented up there for a few months just to check they were happy before making such a huge commitment but that didn't go down too well.Be grateful they've hung around this long, my father and step-mother along with my in-laws both moved 3 hours away (to Devon and Suffolk) when we were expecting our first.
Ultimately its going ahead, which of course they're entitled to do, I just can't believe the rapid pivot in such a short space of time, and their willingness to just leave us behind, but clearly we don't mean as much as I thought we did.
LimmerickLad said:
You sure making such a fuss is not making her dig her heels in?....sorry to sound harsh but it does seem to me that this is more about you and what you want. She may be your mother and a grandmother but she is entitled to live her life as she sees fit however much you don't agree with it.
I don't think I'm "making a fuss" as much as pointing out what they will be missing. Not 4 weeks ago they were incredibly negative about their friends for moving all that way, and they don't have family local, yet here we are a short time later and they're uprooting their whole, very comfortable, lives to move 6hrs away with no support network (bar their friends who could move again in the future), in their mid 60s (one in poor health) to take on a small holding that's going to take a huge amount of work. She thought we go visit every few months etc and spend "quality time" together rather than just popping in whenever for short visits (which we have to keep short and tread on eggshells most of the time anyway). She even said she was going to get a pony so my kids could help with that when we visit.....absolutely bonkers.I'm only seeing the negatives however.
LimmerickLad said:
Fair play for actually admitting you are only seeing the negatives 
(I'm a similar age to you mum and have health issues so our smallholding / animals keeps me active 24/7, stops me sitting around feeling sorry for myself all day and is my therapy).
Although your "tread on eggshells" comment may indicate other issues perhaps?
Right I'm off to muck out the stables now so I'll leave you in peace
I'd personally love to do what they're looking to do. Moving somewhere like that with access to that rugged terrain to run/walk/cycle would be my ultimate dream, so I do get that side of it. I really do. As I said at the start I'd happily uproot my family to go to Wales or something. I just think their timing is pretty poor and its a bit of a kneejerk reaction given where they were a short time ago. (I'm a similar age to you mum and have health issues so our smallholding / animals keeps me active 24/7, stops me sitting around feeling sorry for myself all day and is my therapy).Although your "tread on eggshells" comment may indicate other issues perhaps?
Right I'm off to muck out the stables now so I'll leave you in peace
Regarding Stepdad, yes there are deep rooted issues around his behavior to me when I was a kid, and his behaviors towards my kids. He's a very volatile man and very intolerant. It doesn't help that my eldest is a tricky child with autism/aspersers. I wouldn't and couldn't leave either of them with him on his own as I couldn't trust him not to hurt them, nor would my wife allow it. This is why they've never had a sleepover as my mother would have to head out to do the horse leaving them in his company, which she knows she cant. But apparently he was like a different person up there....he's vile to my mother at times too.
Edited by S100HP on Monday 11th September 10:14
Sycamore said:
A lot of your focus seems to be on how it'll affect their relationship with their grandchildren.
Have you considered whether they place the same importance on that relationship? I'd assume they don't.
You said yourself that they're not the best grandparents, and your step-dad can't be left alone with them either (mental, I'd want him to be far away from me regardless) - Maybe to them it's such a minor consequence it doesn't really factor into their decision.
Its a very fair point, part of me thinks "fHave you considered whether they place the same importance on that relationship? I'd assume they don't.
You said yourself that they're not the best grandparents, and your step-dad can't be left alone with them either (mental, I'd want him to be far away from me regardless) - Maybe to them it's such a minor consequence it doesn't really factor into their decision.
k them", at least I won't have to deal with him anymore, but I know the potential visits will be tricky, which is part of the reason for my reluctance to commit to visiting more.Muzzer79 said:
Their relocating is not a sign of how much you mean to them.
It's not as if you're a child that they're abandoning. You're an adult. They are adults. They have found something they want, which is quite far away.
If you found your dream job which entailed a move to your dream location in Wales, would you stay where you are because your Mum and Step-Dad got huffy about it and thought you were rushing in to it?
I understand that, but I thought my mother enjoyed spending time with the kids, when she managed to fit them into her horse schedule. Personally I'd have a grown up conversation with them about their thoughts, how it would impact their relationship with their grandkids and come up with solutions, and then base my decision on that, rather than doing it the other way around like they have. Maybe I'm the mug. Maybe I should be more selfish?It's not as if you're a child that they're abandoning. You're an adult. They are adults. They have found something they want, which is quite far away.
If you found your dream job which entailed a move to your dream location in Wales, would you stay where you are because your Mum and Step-Dad got huffy about it and thought you were rushing in to it?
Shnozz said:
OMITN said:
OP - you’ve been open here and have received a variety of feedback. Fair play for continuing to seek opinions and to explain where you’re coming from.
Being honest - and this is meant with kindness - but your relationship with your mother and stepfather from your childhood until now does not sound that healthy.
I don’t think you can - or should be expected to - fix that relationship or make your mother and stepfather into the sort of people you would like them to have been all along. You can only play your part in it. Trying to do any more than that is going to turn you inside out more than you already have been. Don’t feel guilty about this.
They are not going to be the grandparents you hope they might be. They won’t be the same as your in-laws. That’s ok. Kids often grow up closer to one set of grandparents. It happened to me. It’s happening to my daughter - I’ve given up trying to come up with all the solutions; their choices, their consequences.
You’ve said your bit to your mother. Now let her get on with her life. If she sees less of your kids (and she will, inevitably) then so be it.
And - more importantly than anything - you, your wife and your children need to get on with your life together.
PS Kirby Stephen is like a one horse town that’s lost its horse. You won’t be missing anything by not visiting..!
I think this is a brilliant post and a felt myself nodding a great deal. Being honest - and this is meant with kindness - but your relationship with your mother and stepfather from your childhood until now does not sound that healthy.
I don’t think you can - or should be expected to - fix that relationship or make your mother and stepfather into the sort of people you would like them to have been all along. You can only play your part in it. Trying to do any more than that is going to turn you inside out more than you already have been. Don’t feel guilty about this.
They are not going to be the grandparents you hope they might be. They won’t be the same as your in-laws. That’s ok. Kids often grow up closer to one set of grandparents. It happened to me. It’s happening to my daughter - I’ve given up trying to come up with all the solutions; their choices, their consequences.
You’ve said your bit to your mother. Now let her get on with her life. If she sees less of your kids (and she will, inevitably) then so be it.
And - more importantly than anything - you, your wife and your children need to get on with your life together.
PS Kirby Stephen is like a one horse town that’s lost its horse. You won’t be missing anything by not visiting..!
Edited by OMITN on Monday 11th September 13:14
Families will not always be, or act like, who you’d like them to be. I clung on to anger surrounding this for a good many years until I grew to accept it, and move on myself.
Tango13 said:
So your step dad isn't a particularly nice person, as a child your mum cared more about the horses than you and you're complaining that they're moving six hours away?
I can see why you're pissed off tbh, I'd want people like that to move even further away to somewhere like Australia or perhaps Mars...
I can see why you're pissed off tbh, I'd want people like that to move even further away to somewhere like Australia or perhaps Mars...
deckster said:
Mr Magooagain said:
This.
.but on the other hand I'm finding the idea incredibly selfish on their part. It seems that horsey lifestyle takes priority for her (as it has done my whole life tbf) and she is willing to move 300 miles, 6hr drive away from us and my kids so she can play horses.
There is no reasoning with horsey women but you already know that.
It's been said, but I am starting to see that the relationship here is potentially beyond repair, unless both of you have a huge turnaround in your world views, and I think you are going to have to admit to yourself that your mum just isn't that into you. Which is harsh but from what you're saying and the words you're using you know this already, deep down..but on the other hand I'm finding the idea incredibly selfish on their part. It seems that horsey lifestyle takes priority for her (as it has done my whole life tbf) and she is willing to move 300 miles, 6hr drive away from us and my kids so she can play horses.
There is no reasoning with horsey women but you already know that.
Your best chance of restoring a good relationship here is to send her off with your full support and best wishes - let her make her own mistakes, if necessary. Either she will be happy there, in which case there is a strong chance that being further away will in fact improve your relationship, or she won't. In which case you still won't have a happy mum but you can at least bask in the warm glow of being right.
She even said the other day that we don't have dinner with them or spend much time with them, which is mostly down to the behaviors mentioned previously, and us having to step on eggshells whenever we are there, so naturally we limit visits to a shorter time.
ChocolateFrog said:
It rains A LOT in Cumbria. That is going to be a culture shock moving from the south coast.
I hope they realise that. Feels like 9 times out of 10 It's wet when we cross the Pennines to visit my dad.
This I've not mentioned yet, but having looked the average temp is much lower over the winter (obviously) etc. She believes her life will be much better up there but I fear it'll be pretty miserable, but they are grown ups and can make their own mistakes. I'll have a weird smug feeling when she complains its wet all the time or she can't ride because its icy etc etc.I hope they realise that. Feels like 9 times out of 10 It's wet when we cross the Pennines to visit my dad.
Brief update to this, as so many took the time to reply.
We've not really spoken much since this has happened. One quick call last week where I kind of just said you're going to do what you're going to do, I don't think it's a great idea but it's up to you.
I popped round the other day too to collect some stuff she was sorting I'm advance of "the move". It was a really brief visit as stepdad was particularly offish, so best just to get out of there.
Their house is now on the market, has been since last Friday but no interest, as far as I'm aware.
My Nan has been a great sounding board, she was with me the other day when I popped in, and she's confirmed that she doesn't plan on going. Her life is here, her friends are her and with her failing eyesight she needs people she knows around, not trying to make new friends at 87, stuck in the middle of nowhere. I'm happy to help her as much as she needs obviously.
Spoke to stepsister the other night, she had no idea they were going and she's pretty unhappy about it, but not surprised. We had a good conversation and both have similar feelings.
"It’s exactly the same for me. Whenever I go there, I feel like a stranger and have to be hyper aware of what I’m saying, how I’m saying it, how long I’m “allowed” to be there. I have to make an appointment to go see them in case they’re busy. It’s honestly exhausting"
Just a short snippet from that chat.
My Nan isn't convinced it'll happen, she thinks reality will kick in soon enough, and they'll struggle to sell in the current market, but I'm not so sure. She also said they are going back up to visit this new place at the end of the week, which is news to me.
That's about it really. This is damaging what limited relationship we all have, but as one poster pointed out earlier, the relationship was already pretty damaged. I'm now at the point of if they go, they go. Good luck to them. Hopefully it's everything they want and the damage can be undone so at least we can visit without feeling like an inconvenience.
We've not really spoken much since this has happened. One quick call last week where I kind of just said you're going to do what you're going to do, I don't think it's a great idea but it's up to you.
I popped round the other day too to collect some stuff she was sorting I'm advance of "the move". It was a really brief visit as stepdad was particularly offish, so best just to get out of there.
Their house is now on the market, has been since last Friday but no interest, as far as I'm aware.
My Nan has been a great sounding board, she was with me the other day when I popped in, and she's confirmed that she doesn't plan on going. Her life is here, her friends are her and with her failing eyesight she needs people she knows around, not trying to make new friends at 87, stuck in the middle of nowhere. I'm happy to help her as much as she needs obviously.
Spoke to stepsister the other night, she had no idea they were going and she's pretty unhappy about it, but not surprised. We had a good conversation and both have similar feelings.
"It’s exactly the same for me. Whenever I go there, I feel like a stranger and have to be hyper aware of what I’m saying, how I’m saying it, how long I’m “allowed” to be there. I have to make an appointment to go see them in case they’re busy. It’s honestly exhausting"
Just a short snippet from that chat.
My Nan isn't convinced it'll happen, she thinks reality will kick in soon enough, and they'll struggle to sell in the current market, but I'm not so sure. She also said they are going back up to visit this new place at the end of the week, which is news to me.
That's about it really. This is damaging what limited relationship we all have, but as one poster pointed out earlier, the relationship was already pretty damaged. I'm now at the point of if they go, they go. Good luck to them. Hopefully it's everything they want and the damage can be undone so at least we can visit without feeling like an inconvenience.
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