Wine Bottle + Cork - but no bottle opener....

[mically]

Ordered myself a nice greek take-away tonight, and because they were late in delivery they offered me a free bottle of wine.

I asked what type would it be? "1 litre !"
OK, fine - but what type? "ONE LITRE"
Sure, so - ok, red or white?
"White, one litre house special just for you my friend."

He eventually turned up and handed over my meal, and my 1ltr bottle of house special white wine.


Unfortunately, it was at this stage I realised something quite shocking: I don't have a bloody bottle opener.

I was hoping it would be one of those pull-out plastic corks - but oh no! This was a full on, traditional cork-made cork, made from traditional cork

I had the brilliant idea of using a really long, thin knife - stab the centre of the cork, apply pressure and twist - this ought to lodge the blade in and allow me to release...

Well No - that is utter bks! This method simply strips the cork, corks the wine and chips the bottle neck.

bks.

2nd plan: Vegetable peeler! With it's narrow, sharp end and curved blade, I can wedge it down the side of the cork - and scoop it out?

Nope, wrong again ! This chips the bottle even worse, and ensures bits of cork are sprinkled all over my tea.

3rd plan: Realising I can't get to this 1 ltre bottle of house special white wine from above the cork - i shall gain access by going under it. Yup, I will cut the neck off.

Knowing glass can melt, I decided to heat a big hefty knife up on the electric hob.
Once it started to glow red, I picked it up with my lovely oven mitts...
Well, I had not noticed this knife has a plastic handle..... so the handle came up, with plastic dripping onto the hob and work top...... and the knife blade remained on the hob.

FFS !

I eventually decided bks to all these ingenious and elaborate ideas....
A mans best tool is simply power ! I will just smash the neck off using another knife, doing it over the sink - and ensuring not to spill any wine nor glass.....


Well... after a few precision whacks, the bottle neck smashed and fell into the sink; my tea had gone cold with bits of cork in it. My kitchen stinks, I have melted plastic on my hob and work top - BUT - I am now typing this with a glass full of '1 ltr house special white wine"

[Dupont666]

or do what a normal person does and push the cork into the bottle...

[suthol]

Dupont666 said:

or do what a normal person does and push the cork into the bottle...

The only use a normal person has for a tea spoon.

[Komier]

Your story was entertaining. I did actually laugh out loud a little.

However, if. IF you are actually serious....please please never have children

[rockinatmidnight]

Sounds like you allready had a bottle of wine before that!!
Seriously, im not a nanny state, H+S whinger, but heating up a knife till its red hot to open a bottle of wine?! I hope you don't have any pets

[Dupont666]

suthol said:

Dupont666 said:

or do what a normal person does and push the cork into the bottle...

The only use a normal person has for a tea spoon.

I fine a knife sharpener is a little better as they are less likely to bend, but yes thats what I use tea spoons for.

Just need to watch out and do it with precision otherwise a face full of wine is yours

[Coq au Vin]

What kind of person doesn't have a corkscrew?

[mically]

funnily enough, i opted against pushing the cork in as I didn't want to cork the wine.......
besides, I saw this as a challenge ! and I won, kind of.

Apart from the side affects of my trials, I am now forcing myself to enjoy this cheap and nasty bottle of flat plonk

Surely you've improvised in similar situations?

for some unknown reason, I haven't yet been arsed to buy a collinder...
so instead, I have a small collection of home-made tinfoil ones..

my parents despair when they visit, and my friends can't decided whether I'm really imaginative, a cheap-skate or simply an idiot on the loose.

and no, no children (as of) yet

[grim_d]

suthol said:

Dupont666 said:

or do what a normal person does and push the cork into the bottle...

The only use a normal person has for a tea spoon.

I use teaspoons for cereal, yoghurt, ice-cream etc. For some reason i don't like big spoons

[XJSJohn]

the fact that you dont have a cork screw is worrying, not even on a pen knife?

Good imaginative solutions though, especially like the "hot knife through butter" approach!!!



wazzock

[camgear]

Am I the only one chuckling at "corking the wine?"

[Coq au Vin]

camgear said:

Am I the only one chuckling at "corking the wine?"

No

[The_Cheeseman]

Talking of inventive... or at least I think so, we were at my mates dorms with a load of beers only to realise we didn't have a bottle opener. We tried balancing the cap on a table and hitting it in an attempt to force the cap off... this resulted in several chunks of the table going missing, so I came up with the idea of putting a penny on the edge of table, balancing the cap on that then hitting it, RESULT!

[12 inch legend]

Coq au Vin said:

What kind of person doesn't have a corkscrew?

ghey?

[Justayellowbadge]

Coq au Vin said:

What kind of person doesn't have a corkscrew?

Someone who's a cock with wine.


You, of all people, should have known that.

Edited by Justayellowbadge on Tuesday 5th May 06:40

[jeff m]

I think I answered this once before....

Find a solid brick wall, remove jacket and fold up and hold against the wall.
Bang base of wine bottle against jacket, after about three hits the cork will protrude from the neck, sink teeth into cork and pull.

[T5SOR]

Screwdriver in the top and turn. If that doesn't work hit the screwdriver with a hammer and push the cork into the bottle (It wont cork it)

Edited by T5SOR on Tuesday 5th May 07:20

[mcflurry]

Coq au Vin said:

camgear said:

Am I the only one chuckling at "corking the wine?"

No

x2

http://www.thewinedoctor.com/advisory/tastefaulty....

[HereBeMonsters]

mically said:

funnily enough, i opted against pushing the cork in as I didn't want to cork the wine.......

[The Moose]

grim_d said:

suthol said:

Dupont666 said:

or do what a normal person does and push the cork into the bottle...

The only use a normal person has for a tea spoon.

I use teaspoons for cereal, yoghurt, ice-cream etc. For some reason i don't like big spoons

Haha - any reason??!?! Were you assulted by a big spoon as a child or something weird!?!?

camgear said:

Am I the only one chuckling at "corking the wine?"

Most certainly not!!

Cheers

The Moose