Wife physically assaulted by her Sister - I'm at a loss...
Discussion
Recent family funeral which my Wife attended along with her Sister, Mum and 15 year-old Nephew. Hotel required...same venue as the wake.
Day goes fine until Sister-in-Law (SIL) and her 15 year-old start free-bar abuse. SIL knocks back numerous large glasses of wine and the boy has upwards of 6 pints of lager. My Wife looks on in horror at this happening but initially keeps quiet. Boy eventually starts to feel rough and goes off to his room.
'Discussion' on the merits of allowing and encouraging a 15 year to drink 6+ pints ensues and drunken SIL starts to get verbally aggressive towards her Sister who, whilst no angel, needs to be pushed very hard before she will react. At this point my wife should've walked away as she knows what her Sister can be like when drunk but in the heat of the moment she stayed to try to reason and calm her down. Clearly the wrong move.
SIL continues to drink and starts to get hysterical over what she sees as a 'bad-parenting' accusation and eventually launches herself physically at her Sister. Punch thrown that didn't fully connect but fingernail left a hefty tear on my Wife's face. Blood drawn. Son of the recently deceased has to pull SIL off my Wife and restrain her. Lovely! Wife retreats to her room to sort herself out. Doesn't call me immediately as she knows I'll insist that she calls the Police (or I will) and she doesn't want to escalate the situation even further. She's also concerned for their aging Mother and the fact they have to all share a 9-hour train journey the next day.
I get a hysterical call shortly after from SIL who, in between sobbing, admits she attacked my Wife but is adamant she was baited so strongly that it wasn't her fault. Her go-to excuse for everything. Always 'not-my-fault'. She so drunk she can't even tell me the extent of the assault. I hang-up on her after a few very unpleasant words.
I try to call my Wife but no mobile signal. I then call the Hotel to ask them to check on her and after an explanation they agree to go to her room to check. Wife answers the door but doesn't want to do anything further when asked if she wants them to call the Police.
Eventually my wife calls and talks me through what happened. I'm appalled of course but it's now 2AM and she's exhausted and wants to leave it without escalation. No point in me doing anything further at that stage.
SIL shows some remorse in the morning and Wife says little. Still in shock.
They all arrive home without further trouble and it now appears that, for the sake of their Mother, the incident has been parked.
Wife asks me not to potentially aggravate the situation by contacting her Sister however I feel truly horrified at what happened and that her Sister should be held accountable for her violent behaviour. In truth, it's probably best that I stay out of it but every time I see the slow-healing scar on my Wife's face I'm filled with real anger. I'm trying to respect her request but finding it very very difficult. Her request to me has left the two of us skirting around conversations on Family and quite distant from each other. I've lost respect for her in all truth as I believe she should not let her Sister go unpunished.
As far as the future is concerned, family get-togethers for Birthday's, Xmas etc. now all blown out the water as there is no way I could sit in a room with the SIL again. What I feel the need for is revenge and it's eating me up at the moment. Not good.
Anyone help me come to terms with it??
Day goes fine until Sister-in-Law (SIL) and her 15 year-old start free-bar abuse. SIL knocks back numerous large glasses of wine and the boy has upwards of 6 pints of lager. My Wife looks on in horror at this happening but initially keeps quiet. Boy eventually starts to feel rough and goes off to his room.
'Discussion' on the merits of allowing and encouraging a 15 year to drink 6+ pints ensues and drunken SIL starts to get verbally aggressive towards her Sister who, whilst no angel, needs to be pushed very hard before she will react. At this point my wife should've walked away as she knows what her Sister can be like when drunk but in the heat of the moment she stayed to try to reason and calm her down. Clearly the wrong move.
SIL continues to drink and starts to get hysterical over what she sees as a 'bad-parenting' accusation and eventually launches herself physically at her Sister. Punch thrown that didn't fully connect but fingernail left a hefty tear on my Wife's face. Blood drawn. Son of the recently deceased has to pull SIL off my Wife and restrain her. Lovely! Wife retreats to her room to sort herself out. Doesn't call me immediately as she knows I'll insist that she calls the Police (or I will) and she doesn't want to escalate the situation even further. She's also concerned for their aging Mother and the fact they have to all share a 9-hour train journey the next day.
I get a hysterical call shortly after from SIL who, in between sobbing, admits she attacked my Wife but is adamant she was baited so strongly that it wasn't her fault. Her go-to excuse for everything. Always 'not-my-fault'. She so drunk she can't even tell me the extent of the assault. I hang-up on her after a few very unpleasant words.
I try to call my Wife but no mobile signal. I then call the Hotel to ask them to check on her and after an explanation they agree to go to her room to check. Wife answers the door but doesn't want to do anything further when asked if she wants them to call the Police.
Eventually my wife calls and talks me through what happened. I'm appalled of course but it's now 2AM and she's exhausted and wants to leave it without escalation. No point in me doing anything further at that stage.
SIL shows some remorse in the morning and Wife says little. Still in shock.
They all arrive home without further trouble and it now appears that, for the sake of their Mother, the incident has been parked.
Wife asks me not to potentially aggravate the situation by contacting her Sister however I feel truly horrified at what happened and that her Sister should be held accountable for her violent behaviour. In truth, it's probably best that I stay out of it but every time I see the slow-healing scar on my Wife's face I'm filled with real anger. I'm trying to respect her request but finding it very very difficult. Her request to me has left the two of us skirting around conversations on Family and quite distant from each other. I've lost respect for her in all truth as I believe she should not let her Sister go unpunished.
As far as the future is concerned, family get-togethers for Birthday's, Xmas etc. now all blown out the water as there is no way I could sit in a room with the SIL again. What I feel the need for is revenge and it's eating me up at the moment. Not good.
Anyone help me come to terms with it??
'Wife asks me not to potentially aggravate the situation by contacting her Sister'
There's your answer.
Once you have discussed your opinion in a respectful, supportive manner. Any further feelings you may have are your burden.
If you feel that her path is significantly different to yours, take a breath and discuss the differences.
If you're still 'set on revenge' then you're probably not compatible.
There's your answer.
Once you have discussed your opinion in a respectful, supportive manner. Any further feelings you may have are your burden.
If you feel that her path is significantly different to yours, take a breath and discuss the differences.
If you're still 'set on revenge' then you're probably not compatible.
Funerals can bring out the pain and that can manifest in all sorts of things we neither mean or say.
As it was recent I'd wait for the sand to blow away a bit and see what's left. It will still be quite raw I expect.
It will probably stem from unresolved unspoken issues bubbling under but unless you're a therapist, I'd leave it for now.
As it was recent I'd wait for the sand to blow away a bit and see what's left. It will still be quite raw I expect.
It will probably stem from unresolved unspoken issues bubbling under but unless you're a therapist, I'd leave it for now.
That's tough to read.
Resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. It is not helpful to you.
If you are finding difficulty in letting this go, may I suggest that you talk with someone who will help you process what are plainly very strong emotions, ones that are affecting your relationship with your wife.
This really can help in these circumstances.
Resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. It is not helpful to you.
If you are finding difficulty in letting this go, may I suggest that you talk with someone who will help you process what are plainly very strong emotions, ones that are affecting your relationship with your wife.
This really can help in these circumstances.
"I've lost respect for her in all truth as I believe she should not let her Sister go unpunished."
I found this quite a difficult sentence, it does not sound like you are being very empathetic to your wife's feelings here. She as the victim of this attack has the right to determine what cause of action she feels best. It's your job as a loving partner, which despite the rather callous sounding sentence I've quoted above I presume you are, to support her through it whether it's what you would do or not.
Men and women view conflict in very different ways, most of the time. As men it's our nature to want to front it out and right the wrong and all that cobblers. Women often take a more pragmatic approach to conflict. (Often, not always, before anyone goes off on one.) I'm not saying either is right or wrong, but it's how it often is.
It would be worth bearing this in mind and maybe trying to understand why your wife feels the way she does - working yourself up about why she's not doing what you think she should is just going to lead to arguments and frankly all you're going to do is make a bad situation worse.
If she wants you to leave it be, leave it be.
I found this quite a difficult sentence, it does not sound like you are being very empathetic to your wife's feelings here. She as the victim of this attack has the right to determine what cause of action she feels best. It's your job as a loving partner, which despite the rather callous sounding sentence I've quoted above I presume you are, to support her through it whether it's what you would do or not.
Men and women view conflict in very different ways, most of the time. As men it's our nature to want to front it out and right the wrong and all that cobblers. Women often take a more pragmatic approach to conflict. (Often, not always, before anyone goes off on one.) I'm not saying either is right or wrong, but it's how it often is.
It would be worth bearing this in mind and maybe trying to understand why your wife feels the way she does - working yourself up about why she's not doing what you think she should is just going to lead to arguments and frankly all you're going to do is make a bad situation worse.
If she wants you to leave it be, leave it be.
It seems to me that the OP not being there, hearing about a drunken assault, then having trouble contacting his wife, probably built up a big head of steam which his wife regards as disproportionate. Was the SIL trying to deliver a knock out blow which luckily mainly missed? Or making an angry drunken gesture which unfortunately happened to connect? If the SIL feels bad about it and the OP's wife reckons the incident is closed, then leave well alone.
My sister in law is a massive c 
t. The way she behaved leading up to and after the death of my mother in law was for me unforgivable. As a result my wife has a strained relationship with her. I have told my wife I will have nothing to do with her. If we cross paths at family do's such as weddings etc, I just keep out of the way. I would never tell my wife what to do, I just choose to keep myself as far away from her as possible.
I'm too old to pretend to be polite now just for the sake of keeping up a charade. I don't want people such as her anywhere near me.
t. The way she behaved leading up to and after the death of my mother in law was for me unforgivable. As a result my wife has a strained relationship with her. I have told my wife I will have nothing to do with her. If we cross paths at family do's such as weddings etc, I just keep out of the way. I would never tell my wife what to do, I just choose to keep myself as far away from her as possible.I'm too old to pretend to be polite now just for the sake of keeping up a charade. I don't want people such as her anywhere near me.
Chris Peacock said:
Sounds like your wife has been able to let it go, you should too. There's no positive outcome from you getting involved.
I mean the OP has discovered the dream women, one that can forgive and let it go... Very unusual amongst the ladies. My ex was dragging up stuff from 20 years ago.
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