Middle Age is only meeting others people’s requirements?
Discussion
OK, there’s work, but I really love my job, and feel appreciated there. It’s interesting, but officially I have two jobs: an “&” appeared in my job title this year! In practice I have a third, probably partly the drip-feed of public sector project funding and my employer using a third revenue stream to fund my post. But it’s interesting and rewarding, and I have the safety net of knowing that particular employer needs me more than I need them.
So far so good. But . . .
I have a poorly mum (history of mental illness, now physically frail, housebound, alcoholic (undiagnosed), dementia (again undiagnosed - she was determined not to have it last time she was sectioned)), so that’s another source of ”you need to do x . .” phone calls, this time from a range of professionals (arrange for toenail cutting, or earwax removal, or prescription collection, etc). Trivial examples this week: I was flying round the supermarket doing the shopping for my mum (after having cleaned her kitchen) and my wife rang to ask if I was available to give our son a lift somewhere. Then an unusually personable and humorous Social Worker rang me because of a concern, and whilst I was talking to her, the care agency also rang to say my mum needed teabags. And whilst she doesn’t ring me as much as she used to (16 times a day wasn’t unusual a few years ago), this morning it was at 03:49. Adopted and an only child, so there’s nobody else.
I have been married 20+ years. At our work Christmas do someone asked me the secret of our relationship. Never thought of it before but on the spur of the moment I answered: “she’s the most beautiful woman I could find who actually saw my boring reliability as a plus” And there’s some truth in that! So there’s my wife’s list of stuff to do (to be fair she’s driven and productive). Weekends away are a non-starter as we have a 14 year old . . .
. . . who is bright (but won’t put any effort in at school whatsoever) and sporty, but moody, teenager-ish, and anxious. Occasionally he’ll engage with me for some astonishingly intelligent and adult conversations about problems. Fair to say we’re struggling, I’d say worse than the average teenage situation but not at the gangs / knives / drugs / self harm level. Lots of dad-taxiing, and occasional summons to painful meetings with school.
I don’t have any friends (nor any social skills, or confidence outside work).
Ironically, just reached the career vs mortgage stage of having significant disposable income . . . but negligible opportunity or capacity to spend it on anything, especially myself. (Although have booked flights to Asia for the teenager and me, next summer).
Sooner or later I’m going to snap, maybe end up walking away from it all. Then feel even worse?
So far so good. But . . .
I have a poorly mum (history of mental illness, now physically frail, housebound, alcoholic (undiagnosed), dementia (again undiagnosed - she was determined not to have it last time she was sectioned)), so that’s another source of ”you need to do x . .” phone calls, this time from a range of professionals (arrange for toenail cutting, or earwax removal, or prescription collection, etc). Trivial examples this week: I was flying round the supermarket doing the shopping for my mum (after having cleaned her kitchen) and my wife rang to ask if I was available to give our son a lift somewhere. Then an unusually personable and humorous Social Worker rang me because of a concern, and whilst I was talking to her, the care agency also rang to say my mum needed teabags. And whilst she doesn’t ring me as much as she used to (16 times a day wasn’t unusual a few years ago), this morning it was at 03:49. Adopted and an only child, so there’s nobody else.
I have been married 20+ years. At our work Christmas do someone asked me the secret of our relationship. Never thought of it before but on the spur of the moment I answered: “she’s the most beautiful woman I could find who actually saw my boring reliability as a plus” And there’s some truth in that! So there’s my wife’s list of stuff to do (to be fair she’s driven and productive). Weekends away are a non-starter as we have a 14 year old . . .
. . . who is bright (but won’t put any effort in at school whatsoever) and sporty, but moody, teenager-ish, and anxious. Occasionally he’ll engage with me for some astonishingly intelligent and adult conversations about problems. Fair to say we’re struggling, I’d say worse than the average teenage situation but not at the gangs / knives / drugs / self harm level. Lots of dad-taxiing, and occasional summons to painful meetings with school.
I don’t have any friends (nor any social skills, or confidence outside work).
Ironically, just reached the career vs mortgage stage of having significant disposable income . . . but negligible opportunity or capacity to spend it on anything, especially myself. (Although have booked flights to Asia for the teenager and me, next summer).
Sooner or later I’m going to snap, maybe end up walking away from it all. Then feel even worse?
[quote=NoPackDrill]
Sooner or later I’m going to snap, maybe end up walking away from it all. Then feel even worse?[/quote
Don’t do that! You’ve worked and working so hard to be a stand up chap and loved ones depend on you at the moment.
Keep going and see it out as it will eventually change for the better in all of the aspects you’ve mentioned.
Without doubt there’s some difficult stages ahead of you to navigate but from what you’ve wrote I can see a happy ending.
Stay strong chap.
Sooner or later I’m going to snap, maybe end up walking away from it all. Then feel even worse?[/quote
Don’t do that! You’ve worked and working so hard to be a stand up chap and loved ones depend on you at the moment.
Keep going and see it out as it will eventually change for the better in all of the aspects you’ve mentioned.
Without doubt there’s some difficult stages ahead of you to navigate but from what you’ve wrote I can see a happy ending.
Stay strong chap.
Maybe you could use some of that disposable income to help buy some time, could someone else do some of the running around for a small fee? Or maybe your mother is eligible for attendance allowance (don't know, but worth checking) and that could be used to fund some help for her.
As said, make some time for something you love doing. If you could share a hobby with your son even better. Quality time together would do you both the world of good and may help soothe some of the teenage angst.
As said, make some time for something you love doing. If you could share a hobby with your son even better. Quality time together would do you both the world of good and may help soothe some of the teenage angst.
Go easy on yourself chap - that is a lot of plates to be spinning... and it sounds like you are doing a great job.
As mentioned above - a hobby where you actually meet other social awkward people? (other than PH
) Even if its just a local running, bike-riding group, metal detecting, model racing club? for an hour-or-so a week...
As mentioned above - a hobby where you actually meet other social awkward people? (other than PH
) Even if its just a local running, bike-riding group, metal detecting, model racing club? for an hour-or-so a week... Hobby is the key
Local rugby club
Football - man vs fat / walking football to start with
Pub darts team
I think the key is finding something you enjoy that is done with others where you can have a pint after and share some of the problems at home with, you'll be surprised how quickly you will make friends.
Your lads 14 have a stern word about the behaviour at school and get him looking forward to the Asia trip.
Why is time away with the wife not an option? Does your lad not have a mate he can stay over at?
Local rugby club
Football - man vs fat / walking football to start with
Pub darts team
I think the key is finding something you enjoy that is done with others where you can have a pint after and share some of the problems at home with, you'll be surprised how quickly you will make friends.
Your lads 14 have a stern word about the behaviour at school and get him looking forward to the Asia trip.
Why is time away with the wife not an option? Does your lad not have a mate he can stay over at?
Thing with everyone suggesting clubs to the OP, it won't work for him as he can't be relied upon. No fault of his own but running after his son and mum will always take precedence. Clubs don't want folk like him - and I know this because I could have written the OPs post myself, with some changes.
I stay vaguely sane by skiving off running during my lunch break. If he has the cash, getting the help for his Mum is the way out.
I stay vaguely sane by skiving off running during my lunch break. If he has the cash, getting the help for his Mum is the way out.
I guess with this kind of situation, there's two broad options. Change the world, or change yourself. Other people have suggested possible options for changing the world, so I'll have a go at the other one. 1. Recognise that you are in fact coping with all this stuff now, yes, it feels like s
t but you're still compos enough to be reflective and thoughtful about it. 2. This is all temporary. 14 year olds get older and teenager st sorts itself out. Ageing parents' support needs change, as does the availability of help. You got through 2024, you'll get through 2025. You're more resilient than you think.
I'm not saying don't try to improve the situation, but if there's no obvious route to that, or if the suggested changes feel too much like sources of stress themselves, just toughing it out for a while is a perfectly valid option. This too shall pass. When you're going through hell keep going. And so on.
t but you're still compos enough to be reflective and thoughtful about it. 2. This is all temporary. 14 year olds get older and teenager st sorts itself out. Ageing parents' support needs change, as does the availability of help. You got through 2024, you'll get through 2025. You're more resilient than you think. I'm not saying don't try to improve the situation, but if there's no obvious route to that, or if the suggested changes feel too much like sources of stress themselves, just toughing it out for a while is a perfectly valid option. This too shall pass. When you're going through hell keep going. And so on.
Mate, I suspect that most 40 something dads feel the same way you do. You're certainly not alone in feeling that way. You need to discuss these feelings with your partner and get her on board with a solution.
Money can obvs help with the care challenges, maybe social services can suggest some funding arrangements that can be charged against your mother's Estate when the inevitable happens?
Remember, "this too shall pass" and when you're going through hell, keep going.
Money can obvs help with the care challenges, maybe social services can suggest some funding arrangements that can be charged against your mother's Estate when the inevitable happens?
Remember, "this too shall pass" and when you're going through hell, keep going.
With the lad suggest doing stuff away from the area, so if you lived in Southampton, suggest an activity in say Bournemouth or reading - so you can do daft stuff and won’t know any body
Kayaking down at Christchurch is a lovely low cost thing. McDonald’s and some chocolate etc
Will feel like you’ve had a break
I have a van, me and a mate every so often just head off somewhere unplanned, do some activity and then Kip in the van
Nice adventure, no plans - something funny always happens
Kayaking down at Christchurch is a lovely low cost thing. McDonald’s and some chocolate etc
Will feel like you’ve had a break
I have a van, me and a mate every so often just head off somewhere unplanned, do some activity and then Kip in the van
Nice adventure, no plans - something funny always happens
Welcome to my world.
I live in an objectively above average house, I earn above average money, no dependents to take up my time, a wife, a new job that only 2 years ago I would have described as my dream job… I am living a life most people would dream of, and this is truly first world problems, I feel so utterly unfulfilled.
If you find the answer please share it!
I live in an objectively above average house, I earn above average money, no dependents to take up my time, a wife, a new job that only 2 years ago I would have described as my dream job… I am living a life most people would dream of, and this is truly first world problems, I feel so utterly unfulfilled.
If you find the answer please share it!
Thanks - a few observations.
It’s not really money when it comes to my mum’s care - because she has a diagnosed medical condition (actually I think she no longer has the diagnosed one - Psychosis / Delusional Disorder - but now plain old Depression + Dementia, neither officially diagnosed) she gets two funded visits a day. The issue is that she won’t let them do anything most of the time. And no health professional or social worker can get anywhere unless I’m there. More success with paying essentially an amateur carer for shopping, etc, out of Attendance Allowance. Same lady for five years or so and she’s developed a good relationship. But she has to ask my mum to take her medication, whereas I can just give her a glass of water and tell her!
Problem with clubs is that they typically involve walking into social situations which typically fill me with dread. And, as someone pointed out above, there’s a problem with availability - I surprised myself by walking into our local gliding club last summer (always wanted to fly - I still have books on soaring I bought as a kid). They were lovely - mainly older, I got a cup of tea, hobknobs, a look round the hanger, etc. But learning would involve being there every Saturday, and if the weather was good, and if there was an instructor available, I’d get 20 minutes or so.
Apart from the actual workload, there’s a childish sense of grievance - thinking of the unburdened self centred ‘alpha male’ sts I know who seem to be having a great time, and probably even a sex life, whilst shrugging off responsibility?
It’s not really money when it comes to my mum’s care - because she has a diagnosed medical condition (actually I think she no longer has the diagnosed one - Psychosis / Delusional Disorder - but now plain old Depression + Dementia, neither officially diagnosed) she gets two funded visits a day. The issue is that she won’t let them do anything most of the time. And no health professional or social worker can get anywhere unless I’m there. More success with paying essentially an amateur carer for shopping, etc, out of Attendance Allowance. Same lady for five years or so and she’s developed a good relationship. But she has to ask my mum to take her medication, whereas I can just give her a glass of water and tell her!
Problem with clubs is that they typically involve walking into social situations which typically fill me with dread. And, as someone pointed out above, there’s a problem with availability - I surprised myself by walking into our local gliding club last summer (always wanted to fly - I still have books on soaring I bought as a kid). They were lovely - mainly older, I got a cup of tea, hobknobs, a look round the hanger, etc. But learning would involve being there every Saturday, and if the weather was good, and if there was an instructor available, I’d get 20 minutes or so.
Apart from the actual workload, there’s a childish sense of grievance - thinking of the unburdened self centred ‘alpha male’ s
ts I know who seem to be having a great time, and probably even a sex life, whilst shrugging off responsibility?I teeter on the edge of being happy with my life, and being very unhappy with it. For anyone looking at my life from the outside it might look good - lovely family, decent job, decent income, decent house etc but the day to day problems that life throws at me can easily put me on a downer, especially when those problems make me skint before pay day arrives.
Two of my friends have money, lots of money but I'm not sure either of them are happy, I know that one of them definitely isn't.
Friend 1 - Earns big money (in my mind anyway) and works hard in a stressful job running a company, but doesn't do much outside of work as he hasn't really got any friends (his admission) other than myself. He's a great bloke and I feel for him, but he feels every day is Groundhog Day.
Friend 2 - Also has money, big £ income but doesn't do much outside of normal family stuff. Again, no friends to do anything with,
I've come to the conclusion that (for many) to have happiness we need social contact by having people around us, whether we have money or not. Having money as well could boost that happiness, but there are lots of people with no money that are happy as Larry with the life they have and the people who they share that life with.
Two of my friends have money, lots of money but I'm not sure either of them are happy, I know that one of them definitely isn't.
Friend 1 - Earns big money (in my mind anyway) and works hard in a stressful job running a company, but doesn't do much outside of work as he hasn't really got any friends (his admission) other than myself. He's a great bloke and I feel for him, but he feels every day is Groundhog Day.
Friend 2 - Also has money, big £ income but doesn't do much outside of normal family stuff. Again, no friends to do anything with,
I've come to the conclusion that (for many) to have happiness we need social contact by having people around us, whether we have money or not. Having money as well could boost that happiness, but there are lots of people with no money that are happy as Larry with the life they have and the people who they share that life with.
MBVitoria said:
Mate, I suspect that most 40 something dads feel the same way you do. You're certainly not alone in feeling that way. You need to discuss these feelings with your partner and get her on board with a solution.
Money can obvs help with the care challenges, maybe social services can suggest some funding arrangements that can be charged against your mother's Estate when the inevitable happens?
Remember, "this too shall pass" and when you're going through hell, keep going.
Agree here, We are at a funny age where surrounded by people but still feel lonely.Money can obvs help with the care challenges, maybe social services can suggest some funding arrangements that can be charged against your mother's Estate when the inevitable happens?
Remember, "this too shall pass" and when you're going through hell, keep going.
I have nothing of interest outside the walls of my house.
I'd take the teenager out of the equation.
We put far to much emphasis on them going on a perfect path through education to employment.
Let them try in life, support them when they fail and acknowledge when they succeed. Who cares if they find their perfect job when their 18 or 30.
My most successful clients didn't make it straight from school.
The rest of life is mostly about finding happiness in the mundane.
We put far to much emphasis on them going on a perfect path through education to employment.
Let them try in life, support them when they fail and acknowledge when they succeed. Who cares if they find their perfect job when their 18 or 30.
My most successful clients didn't make it straight from school.
The rest of life is mostly about finding happiness in the mundane.
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