What do you say to your wife when she finds her son dead?
Discussion
Hertsbiker
That sounds very very difficult and very very distressing
I think what you do is you get good professional counsellors as soon as you can, for both of you.
Your wife needs care, you need care too.
In the first instance I’d be looking to organisations who provide this sort of support in an ‘acute’ way, for people in distress.
Presumably the police and possibly ambulance service are/were involved, can or have they referred you to or mentioned any support for family members?
But your question was - what do you say? I think you don’t say much, I think you listen and if you do speak, it’s to validate the feelings or thoughts she has shared, to just communicate you hear and accept what she’s feeling and that those feeling are valid and ok.
Big difficult feelings are scary but when people share them with someone, they’re not normally looking for solutions or reasons the feelings are misplaced or mistaken, or that all will be ok in the end. they just want to know they’re heard. (Even in this post I went straight to ‘what do you DO’ with the first part of my answer - it’s hard (for me) to avoid)…
I am so sorry to hear of what has happened, it sounds incredibly tough. I know from the past that many on PH will be here for you if you need them.
That sounds very very difficult and very very distressing
I think what you do is you get good professional counsellors as soon as you can, for both of you.
Your wife needs care, you need care too.
In the first instance I’d be looking to organisations who provide this sort of support in an ‘acute’ way, for people in distress.
Presumably the police and possibly ambulance service are/were involved, can or have they referred you to or mentioned any support for family members?
But your question was - what do you say? I think you don’t say much, I think you listen and if you do speak, it’s to validate the feelings or thoughts she has shared, to just communicate you hear and accept what she’s feeling and that those feeling are valid and ok.
Big difficult feelings are scary but when people share them with someone, they’re not normally looking for solutions or reasons the feelings are misplaced or mistaken, or that all will be ok in the end. they just want to know they’re heard. (Even in this post I went straight to ‘what do you DO’ with the first part of my answer - it’s hard (for me) to avoid)…
I am so sorry to hear of what has happened, it sounds incredibly tough. I know from the past that many on PH will be here for you if you need them.
Edited by PlywoodPascal on Saturday 26th October 19:54
I’m so sorry for you, your wife and your family.
I can’t offer advice on what to say, other than offer a hug, be there for her and when she wants to talk, listen!
Do you have a support network in the form of family or friends? You may want to consider some form of counselling, this is a traumatic event and you may both need it.
My condolences again x
https://www.crisiscounselling.co.uk/
https://www.samaritans.org/
I can’t offer advice on what to say, other than offer a hug, be there for her and when she wants to talk, listen!
Do you have a support network in the form of family or friends? You may want to consider some form of counselling, this is a traumatic event and you may both need it.
My condolences again x
https://www.crisiscounselling.co.uk/
https://www.samaritans.org/
When my Grandma and Grandad came over to our house when their son, my dad died at 49, I thought it was really terrible for a parent to see their child dead.
Over the following weeks my Grannie told me the morning after, she woke up really early and stood on the doorstep quietly and thought about my dad, my Grandad came down and stood with her and they talked about him.
I don't know what to say OP, however they took comfort from each other!
Take care and really sorry to read this, look after each other!
Over the following weeks my Grannie told me the morning after, she woke up really early and stood on the doorstep quietly and thought about my dad, my Grandad came down and stood with her and they talked about him.
I don't know what to say OP, however they took comfort from each other!
Take care and really sorry to read this, look after each other!
That is awful. I am truly sorry for your and her loss. There is absolutely nothing you can do or say that will make her feel better. I can't think of anything worse than losing a child.
I don't know what the situation was, but he is beyond pain and worry now. You can only try to remember the good times.
I only hope you can both get through this somehow supporting each other. You say he was your wife's son so I'm assuming he was your stepson, and I am sure you are feeling a deep sense of loss as well.
There is no making sense of things like this. Don't start thinking 'if only we'd done things differently' because the future cannot be predicted.
I have lost a few friends young so although I can't imagine what you will be going through, I do know people that do.
Time will not make things better, but it will lassen the pain. You need to support each other now more than ever. When you think you can talk about it I would recommend getting counselling.
It may be hard to believe now, but there is still a future.
Sincere condolences, S.
I don't know what the situation was, but he is beyond pain and worry now. You can only try to remember the good times.
I only hope you can both get through this somehow supporting each other. You say he was your wife's son so I'm assuming he was your stepson, and I am sure you are feeling a deep sense of loss as well.
There is no making sense of things like this. Don't start thinking 'if only we'd done things differently' because the future cannot be predicted.
I have lost a few friends young so although I can't imagine what you will be going through, I do know people that do.
Time will not make things better, but it will lassen the pain. You need to support each other now more than ever. When you think you can talk about it I would recommend getting counselling.
It may be hard to believe now, but there is still a future.
Sincere condolences, S.
I know people who have found this organisation to be helpful and supportive.
https://www.cruse.org.uk/
https://www.cruse.org.uk/
HertsBiker said:
Terrible situation.
And I saw more than she did, the flies, the black face on a white guy, the mould in the room, the cobwebs, the smell. The litter. She is in bits and I can't believe all about what I saw. I don't even wanna think about it but I'm trapped with no one to talk to.
Not her son but my wife found one of our mutual friends dead 6 years ago, mercifully fairly recently deceased but having cleared his flat myself there were some signs that his death was quite unpleasant that I don’t believe she noticed at the time and that I never shared with her.And I saw more than she did, the flies, the black face on a white guy, the mould in the room, the cobwebs, the smell. The litter. She is in bits and I can't believe all about what I saw. I don't even wanna think about it but I'm trapped with no one to talk to.
In the short term just be there. Take her anger and her pain and let her know it’s ok to feel whatever she is feeling, just being present is the main thing in the initial stages of grief. Listen and make sure she knows you’re listening, acknowledge her feelings and don’t be afraid to show your own. Grief is a strange thing and the range of emotions it induces can be varied from one minute to the next.
Make sure that both of you in the mid to longer term get professional help, your GP might be able to help refer you but these days you may be better off going private. You say you have no one to talk to which is worrying, if you don’t have anyone you can trust and that will listen there are charities out there and to be quite honest some of the easiest people to talk to about these things are people you don’t really know, people you don’t feel the need to filter emotions with you can just be honest, but please do talk to someone it’s absolutely critical.
My other advice is don’t try and be the hero, as a bloke your first instinct is going to be to try and protect her from it all and try and take her pain and make it your own, to put a brave face on things. Trust me as someone who did exactly that it’s not what she needs, she needs to know you’re feeling it too.
I’m truly sorry that you’re having to go through this. None of us however much we think it are truly alone. There are some wonderful people out there who will offer their time and help and support and ask for nothing in return. Seek them out and lean on them, god knows the two of you will need it.
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