To have children or not to have children. That is the q
Discussion
Firstly shame on the forum for not having enough characters in the title box for a puerile title.
My wife and I are considering starting a family, strange term as we already have a family, but I suppose it's easier than saying adding a child or 2 of our own to the family, which would no doubt be reasonably supportive of us, being my parents both still alive and her mum who despite all odds is clinging to life, I think probably to see us reproduce.
I love my wife very much, we have a good stable life and I have no doubt we would be good parents, we've put it off up to this point as neither of us had the huge drive to reproduce that some people have, she pretty much didn't want kids and I was always happy to say maybe one day but much later.
The trouble is later is here, she's getting to an age where she's got to make a decision sooner rather than later and as I'm 43 I'll be knocking on 60 when they hit adulthood.
The positives are the obvious. And from my wife's point of view her mum's not well and she wants to give her grand kids (she already has grand kids to my wife's brother, but he's an arse and has no involvement with the family so she doesn't get to see them grow up).
The negatives are the impact it's going to have on our lives. I know it's selfish but we have dogs at the moment which are hugely tying and stop us from doing things on the spur of the moment (specifically going abroad easily) in some ways kids would be easier, but there's a substantial financial cost to them too. The financial cost is what's put me off so far, we aren't poor by any measure, but we are sensible with money and I worry if we have enough buffer to support kids. Childcare in particular worries me, Sarah would likely take 6 months to 9 months of maternity but would most likely head back to work, I would have to go part time in my business to provide some days of childcare with her mum possibly covering a day or 2 as well. Taking the baby in to work isn't really practical for either of us.
From a base point of view I think we both have got to the point we want to continue our blood lines, which is the most based reason to have children of course.
The thought of dealing with dirty nappies isn't a happy one for me. Despite spending most days happily covered in filth and grease, I'm a borderline germaphobe with any kind of human waste. I hated every second of working on our drains, but did deal with it. I'm assuming your own kids nappies end up being the same deal.
I suppose the question is, did you have kids later on in life and was it a positive experience (honestly) or do you miss the life you had before more.
My wife and I are considering starting a family, strange term as we already have a family, but I suppose it's easier than saying adding a child or 2 of our own to the family, which would no doubt be reasonably supportive of us, being my parents both still alive and her mum who despite all odds is clinging to life, I think probably to see us reproduce.
I love my wife very much, we have a good stable life and I have no doubt we would be good parents, we've put it off up to this point as neither of us had the huge drive to reproduce that some people have, she pretty much didn't want kids and I was always happy to say maybe one day but much later.
The trouble is later is here, she's getting to an age where she's got to make a decision sooner rather than later and as I'm 43 I'll be knocking on 60 when they hit adulthood.
The positives are the obvious. And from my wife's point of view her mum's not well and she wants to give her grand kids (she already has grand kids to my wife's brother, but he's an arse and has no involvement with the family so she doesn't get to see them grow up).
The negatives are the impact it's going to have on our lives. I know it's selfish but we have dogs at the moment which are hugely tying and stop us from doing things on the spur of the moment (specifically going abroad easily) in some ways kids would be easier, but there's a substantial financial cost to them too. The financial cost is what's put me off so far, we aren't poor by any measure, but we are sensible with money and I worry if we have enough buffer to support kids. Childcare in particular worries me, Sarah would likely take 6 months to 9 months of maternity but would most likely head back to work, I would have to go part time in my business to provide some days of childcare with her mum possibly covering a day or 2 as well. Taking the baby in to work isn't really practical for either of us.
From a base point of view I think we both have got to the point we want to continue our blood lines, which is the most based reason to have children of course.
The thought of dealing with dirty nappies isn't a happy one for me. Despite spending most days happily covered in filth and grease, I'm a borderline germaphobe with any kind of human waste. I hated every second of working on our drains, but did deal with it. I'm assuming your own kids nappies end up being the same deal.
I suppose the question is, did you have kids later on in life and was it a positive experience (honestly) or do you miss the life you had before more.
We had our second when I was on the cusp of 40 and I don't think I would have wanted to leave it any later. It comes as a shock how your energy level begin to wane from around mid 40's onwards.
I'm pleased we had kids but, for me and I suspect quite a lot of men, the decision tends to be driven by the female side of the relationship and I just went along with it. Otherwise I was ambivalent about having them.
Mrs Loto was not a natural mother and it really stressed her (she tried too hard I think) - that put a lot of strain on our relationship.
They do give life purpose though and I think that becomes increasingly important as you age.
I'm pleased we had kids but, for me and I suspect quite a lot of men, the decision tends to be driven by the female side of the relationship and I just went along with it. Otherwise I was ambivalent about having them.
Mrs Loto was not a natural mother and it really stressed her (she tried too hard I think) - that put a lot of strain on our relationship.
They do give life purpose though and I think that becomes increasingly important as you age.
Absolutely your decision. There will be different advice as everyone has had different experiences. If you are questioning the decision then you have to ask yourself should you even be thinking about it.
If I had the choice again I would say no as there was too much heartache attached to my decision down the line.
If I had the choice again I would say no as there was too much heartache attached to my decision down the line.
I had my kids at 38 and 40. Wife was same age. Never regretted it, not one instant. Made me a better man and despite the challenges that come with having kids when you’re older, it is 100% worth it.
You are well-established with your partner, that is the key factor. The most important thing when having kids is having kids with the right person. All other elements are secondary.
You are well-established with your partner, that is the key factor. The most important thing when having kids is having kids with the right person. All other elements are secondary.
When I was a kid, I was aware that my parents were 15 to 20 years older than my friends' parents. They therefore didn't really have any social interaction together (instead, their friends had children who were older teenagers when I was five or six) and that no doubt had an impact on me - I grew up in a rural area where I wasn't surrounded by dozens of school friends.
It also means they both died before I was 45. My dad when I was 32, and my mum when I was 44 and she was 83.
I know people think having kids will add something to their lives, and no doubt it does, but give some thought to the child's life too.
It also means they both died before I was 45. My dad when I was 32, and my mum when I was 44 and she was 83.
I know people think having kids will add something to their lives, and no doubt it does, but give some thought to the child's life too.
If you think about anything too much you’ll find negatives. Even getting your dog there could have been a strong case made against it as you say it restricts travelling etc.
Honestly you don’t sound very convinced that you want children for yourselves and more that it’s a thing you should be doing because it’s expected of you. You can’t have grandchildren for your her mother’s sake, that’s not how it works. You’ll still be bearing the consequences long after she’s gone.
The positives may be obvious but there is no guarantee that life will turn out like that. A perfect child unfortunately is not guaranteed and you need to add that to the mix.
No point sugar coating it, they take up A LOT of your energy and time, I was 36 when I had my daughter and in a perfect world, I'd have had her when I was 10 years younger, but I wouldn't change anything, we just knew we wanted a child, and the world isn't waiting for anyone, all the other practical concerns are secondary and you can always work around them.
Good luck!
Good luck!
wildoliver said:
I'm a borderline germaphobe with any kind of human waste.
This reminds me of the scene in "The Family Man" where Nic Cage changes a nappy for the first time. wildoliver said:
I suppose the question is, did you have kids later on in life and was it a positive experience (honestly) or do you miss the life you had before more.
For women, I think hormones have more of a say in the matter, so tread carefully there...
ETA: A side-benefit of having kids is you can claim that the Lego is for them.
"but we have dogs at the moment which are hugely tying"
Dude, seriously, if you think Dogs are tying, you have no idea. I don't say that as an insult, it's impossible to understand how completely life changing having a child is. The upsides are amazing, I love my Kids, but certainly when they're tiny you'll be devoting your entire life to them. It's not the late nights, the days, week, months even when you'll be trying to function on 2/3 hours of broken sleep, it's not the nappies, it's not the cost, it's not the worry and panic whenever they sneeze, or any one of those things, it's ALL of those things, all the time, every day, without a rest.
If you both want a child, by all means have one, it's amazing it really is, but if you're thinking of having a child later in life because you think time is running out or to give a loved one a Grandchild, I just wouldn't, they're the wrong reasons.
Dude, seriously, if you think Dogs are tying, you have no idea. I don't say that as an insult, it's impossible to understand how completely life changing having a child is. The upsides are amazing, I love my Kids, but certainly when they're tiny you'll be devoting your entire life to them. It's not the late nights, the days, week, months even when you'll be trying to function on 2/3 hours of broken sleep, it's not the nappies, it's not the cost, it's not the worry and panic whenever they sneeze, or any one of those things, it's ALL of those things, all the time, every day, without a rest.
If you both want a child, by all means have one, it's amazing it really is, but if you're thinking of having a child later in life because you think time is running out or to give a loved one a Grandchild, I just wouldn't, they're the wrong reasons.
P-Jay said:
"but we have dogs at the moment which are hugely tying"
Dude, seriously, if you think Dogs are tying, you have no idea. I don't say that as an insult, it's impossible to understand how completely life changing having a child is. The upsides are amazing, I love my Kids, but certainly when they're tiny you'll be devoting your entire life to them. It's not the late nights, the days, week, months even when you'll be trying to function on 2/3 hours of broken sleep, it's not the nappies, it's not the cost, it's not the worry and panic whenever they sneeze, or any one of those things, it's ALL of those things, all the time, every day, without a rest.
If you both want a child, by all means have one, it's amazing it really is, but if you're thinking of having a child later in life because you think time is running out or to give a loved one a Grandchild, I just wouldn't, they're the wrong reasons.
Dogs are a tie if you look after them properly.Dude, seriously, if you think Dogs are tying, you have no idea. I don't say that as an insult, it's impossible to understand how completely life changing having a child is. The upsides are amazing, I love my Kids, but certainly when they're tiny you'll be devoting your entire life to them. It's not the late nights, the days, week, months even when you'll be trying to function on 2/3 hours of broken sleep, it's not the nappies, it's not the cost, it's not the worry and panic whenever they sneeze, or any one of those things, it's ALL of those things, all the time, every day, without a rest.
If you both want a child, by all means have one, it's amazing it really is, but if you're thinking of having a child later in life because you think time is running out or to give a loved one a Grandchild, I just wouldn't, they're the wrong reasons.
I had my girl at 42, then became a single dad to her later on, I'm definitely feeling my age and wish I'd had her younger.
She's my little princess though and knows it.
My Mrs has just hit 40 and is murmuring about a kid and it's feck no from me this time, I'd be nearing mid 70s when it was leaving school.
She's my little princess though and knows it.
My Mrs has just hit 40 and is murmuring about a kid and it's feck no from me this time, I'd be nearing mid 70s when it was leaving school.
Wouldn't have them just to pease someone else but do it because you want them. The first year or so is hard but after that it's a breeze and in comparison living with dogs was a massive restriction to my life compared to any kids.
I'm 41 with a 14 year old son and my GF has a 4 year old who she was persuaded to have by her late husband. She's 37 and says she's done with kids but does bring it up now and again. When I see her holding babies or we visit her sisters 6 month old I get a massive urge to do it there and then 🫣
I'm 41 with a 14 year old son and my GF has a 4 year old who she was persuaded to have by her late husband. She's 37 and says she's done with kids but does bring it up now and again. When I see her holding babies or we visit her sisters 6 month old I get a massive urge to do it there and then 🫣
wildoliver said:
I love my wife very much, we have a good stable life and I have no doubt we would be good parents, we've put it off up to this point as neither of us had the huge drive to reproduce that some people have, she pretty much didn't want kids and I was always happy to say maybe one day but much later.
That was me and my wife, and over time it solidified into a firm decision not to.My wife died when I was in my early forties.
I'm now in a relationship with a new partner who has two children from her previous marriage. We've been together about six or seven years, the kids were 8 and 10 when we met and are now teenagers.
It's a different sort of life. There is a lot more responsibility and a lot less freedom and free time. Your best interests and your partner's are no longer paramount. I'm glad they are in my life, it's an experience I wouldn't have had and my relationship with the kids is precious. But if I'd met someone else who didn't want kids, I would have been fine with that too. I don't think I would have had regrets.
I’m 53 with an 8 year old daughter. I have 3 other kids in their 20’s and 30’s from previous but met current wife when I was 37 and she was 29. We did discuss having future kids very early in the relationship and I decided that all being well, I eventually wanted to have a child with this woman and satisfy what I knew would be a growing need in her life.
If you can afford it, it’s worth it. My daughter is a wonderful part of my life.
Big drawback occurred for the first time on Saturday though and it shocked me to the core - daughter finished her horse riding lesson and a lady took the saddle off and suggested that “maybe your Grandad wants to carry it into the tack room“.
I was too shocked to even think about a response along the lines of arthritis etc..!
My wife later found this hysterical
I’m just praying I’m within earshot when she’s mistaken for Nan…
If you can afford it, it’s worth it. My daughter is a wonderful part of my life.
Big drawback occurred for the first time on Saturday though and it shocked me to the core - daughter finished her horse riding lesson and a lady took the saddle off and suggested that “maybe your Grandad wants to carry it into the tack room“.
I was too shocked to even think about a response along the lines of arthritis etc..!
My wife later found this hysterical
I’m just praying I’m within earshot when she’s mistaken for Nan…
wildoliver said:
I suppose the question is, did you have kids later on in life and was it a positive experience (honestly) or do you miss the life you had before more.
The wife fell pregnant when I was 30 and she was 25 so I can't comment on how I would have felt if it happened 10 years later. The pregnancy wasn't planned, it just happened at that time - we had talked in generalities about having kids but hadn't set a date for when. Having said that, it has turned out to be the best thing that has ever happened to us. We have three wonderful (now adult) children and two grand-children.
Sure, it's hard at the time, sleepless nights, money worries and a major change in lifestyle; you deal with it though and if you have a good support team of family and friends it gets easier. Honestly, no regrets though, I feel that if we had not gone down the road of having the kids we would now be regretting it - they've brought us so much joy, which still continues, especially now with the grandkids.
There really is no feeling like the first time you hold your new-born - anything that you have achieved in your life or that you own pales in to insignificance.
So... overwhelmingly positive for us, but only the two of you can make that decision for yourselves. Be aware of how much your partner really wants children, if she wants them more than you and you decide against, then that may be difficult to deal with later.
Good luck with whatever you decide.
Wow a lot of responses, good mix too.
Just to clarify, the dogs/responsibilities comment. It mainly relates to hols, we can't go on holiday anywhere involving a flight with dogs. But you can with children (unfortunately for the other passengers). Likewise while free child places etc. are a thing, travel with dogs and it's cost all the way through, sting you at the vets for travel cert, tunnel, every stop has an extra cleaning cost, vets to come back etc. I conservatively estimate that an average holiday with the dogs adds on at least a grand, bare costs are about £300. But having less choice on accomodation etc. adds the rest. Of course we could bang them in kennels, but they wouldn't do that to us, so I'm certainly not going to do it to them.
I wouldn't dream of doing this for someone else, it's just more a case of time has come to a head now, if we could have an extra ten years I'd take it, but I know I'd keep rolling it on forever, but it doesn't mean I don't want to not do it. And in honesty I am quite positive about raising one or 2 little humans and sharing life experiences with them and trying to give them a good start in life.
I think so much of it comes down that scene out of idiocracy where the responsible couple keep putting off having kids as the times never right, while (I'd hope) we would probably be very good parents, if for no other reason we would both want to spend time with the children and give them a good start.
Just to clarify, the dogs/responsibilities comment. It mainly relates to hols, we can't go on holiday anywhere involving a flight with dogs. But you can with children (unfortunately for the other passengers). Likewise while free child places etc. are a thing, travel with dogs and it's cost all the way through, sting you at the vets for travel cert, tunnel, every stop has an extra cleaning cost, vets to come back etc. I conservatively estimate that an average holiday with the dogs adds on at least a grand, bare costs are about £300. But having less choice on accomodation etc. adds the rest. Of course we could bang them in kennels, but they wouldn't do that to us, so I'm certainly not going to do it to them.
I wouldn't dream of doing this for someone else, it's just more a case of time has come to a head now, if we could have an extra ten years I'd take it, but I know I'd keep rolling it on forever, but it doesn't mean I don't want to not do it. And in honesty I am quite positive about raising one or 2 little humans and sharing life experiences with them and trying to give them a good start in life.
I think so much of it comes down that scene out of idiocracy where the responsible couple keep putting off having kids as the times never right, while (I'd hope) we would probably be very good parents, if for no other reason we would both want to spend time with the children and give them a good start.
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