Advice regarding a paranoid friend
Discussion
Hello all,
I have a close friend of 15 years, who I'm struggling to deal with lately.
In a nutshell he's deeply paranoid and a conspiracy theorist. He believes the world is controlled by evil corporations and NGO's (like the W.H.O). He believes Covid was a dry run for killing everyone on the planet except the elite. He believes climate change isn't happening. He reads all sorts of books with outrageous claims on the "reality" we're all too blind to see.
He won't buy newer cars, because "canbus makes them unreliable", yet moans when his 20-30 year old cars are constantly breaking down and rusting away.
He deeply resents women and believes they don't want him because he's short and not very good looking (the reality is it's his personality).
I've done my best to help and advise him lately, but he's actively working against his own best interests. For example he's dead set on staying in a toxic housing estate, when he can afford to move to a nicer, calm area which isn't rife with crackheads.
He drains my positivity and optimism. I'm the "self-improving" type and believe we can all change and improve our lot in life. He's a well of pessimism and paranoia.
That said, believe it or not, we get on incredibly well and he's a loyal friend. I just don't know how to deal with him or whether to just cut him off. I'm deeply frustrated with him.
I can't post this on Facebook for obvious reasons, so here it is on PH for some annonymous advice. Thankyou gents!
I have a close friend of 15 years, who I'm struggling to deal with lately.
In a nutshell he's deeply paranoid and a conspiracy theorist. He believes the world is controlled by evil corporations and NGO's (like the W.H.O). He believes Covid was a dry run for killing everyone on the planet except the elite. He believes climate change isn't happening. He reads all sorts of books with outrageous claims on the "reality" we're all too blind to see.
He won't buy newer cars, because "canbus makes them unreliable", yet moans when his 20-30 year old cars are constantly breaking down and rusting away.
He deeply resents women and believes they don't want him because he's short and not very good looking (the reality is it's his personality).
I've done my best to help and advise him lately, but he's actively working against his own best interests. For example he's dead set on staying in a toxic housing estate, when he can afford to move to a nicer, calm area which isn't rife with crackheads.
He drains my positivity and optimism. I'm the "self-improving" type and believe we can all change and improve our lot in life. He's a well of pessimism and paranoia.
That said, believe it or not, we get on incredibly well and he's a loyal friend. I just don't know how to deal with him or whether to just cut him off. I'm deeply frustrated with him.
I can't post this on Facebook for obvious reasons, so here it is on PH for some annonymous advice. Thankyou gents!
We all absorb information best in different ways, some by listening, others by reading, some by doing. If your friend is an avid reader, then giving him books that might nudge him in the 'right' direction may be a better approach that trying to talk to him.
Off the top of my head, a few books you could consider are:
How to win friends and influence people - Dale Carnegie
The Magic of Thinking Big - David J Schwartz
Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus - John Gray
No doubt other contributors have some better suggestions
Perhaps you could do some reading yourself. There must be books and internet articles on why people are drawn to conspiracy theories and how to talk to those who believe them.
I had a friend who had several nervous breakdowns and towards the end was convinced he was the target of 'deep state' type activities. He ended up hanging himself, so anything you can do to guide your friend away from such stuff is worth it, althoug hvery very hard work as you already know.
One more thing. If your friend is a cannabis/weed user, you are fighting a losing battle all the time he is on the stuff, even if it is only rarely. I don't know that many 'users' but I know, or know of, a lot of people who have had severe mental health problems from even short periods of using it. Its dangers are vastly understated.
Off the top of my head, a few books you could consider are:
How to win friends and influence people - Dale Carnegie
The Magic of Thinking Big - David J Schwartz
Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus - John Gray
No doubt other contributors have some better suggestions
Perhaps you could do some reading yourself. There must be books and internet articles on why people are drawn to conspiracy theories and how to talk to those who believe them.
I had a friend who had several nervous breakdowns and towards the end was convinced he was the target of 'deep state' type activities. He ended up hanging himself, so anything you can do to guide your friend away from such stuff is worth it, althoug hvery very hard work as you already know.
One more thing. If your friend is a cannabis/weed user, you are fighting a losing battle all the time he is on the stuff, even if it is only rarely. I don't know that many 'users' but I know, or know of, a lot of people who have had severe mental health problems from even short periods of using it. Its dangers are vastly understated.
I can imagine he is stuck in an echo chamber of the internet/ social media which constantly reaffirms what he believes and will just make his beliefs stronger. The reality is you cannot do anything to help someone who doesn't want to be helped.
You either accept him for who he is or cut him off and find new friends.
You either accept him for who he is or cut him off and find new friends.
I had a close friend for many years who was both mean with money to an OCD degree, and a huge narcissist.
I put up with both these things as he was a close friend who I'd known for so long.
I then moved to the other end of the country and didn't see him for a few years (although we chatted on the phone and suchlike). He then came down here on holiday and my wife and I went for a meal with him and his partner.
He talked at us nonstop for about two hours, brought coupons to get money off the meal, then the coup de grace was him 'conveniently' forgetting he'd had a lemonade (which I only realised much later) resulting in him arguing with the barman to get that taken off the bill. The barman couldn't do that so my friend got a large discount, left no tip, and walked out with boasting how he'd 'have to come again as I made a profit off that meal'.
It absolutely enraged me and I realised although I'd known him for years I didn't need him in my life any more and that was that. Toxic people are toxic people regardless.
I put up with both these things as he was a close friend who I'd known for so long.
I then moved to the other end of the country and didn't see him for a few years (although we chatted on the phone and suchlike). He then came down here on holiday and my wife and I went for a meal with him and his partner.
He talked at us nonstop for about two hours, brought coupons to get money off the meal, then the coup de grace was him 'conveniently' forgetting he'd had a lemonade (which I only realised much later) resulting in him arguing with the barman to get that taken off the bill. The barman couldn't do that so my friend got a large discount, left no tip, and walked out with boasting how he'd 'have to come again as I made a profit off that meal'.
It absolutely enraged me and I realised although I'd known him for years I didn't need him in my life any more and that was that. Toxic people are toxic people regardless.
We all have different viewpoints. For instance I'm a staunch supporter of Israel yet I have good friends who want a Palestinian state. We agree on some things but not others. Should I bin a friend because they disagree on politics? If everyone was a carbon of me it would be a dull friendship.
Hugo Stiglitz said:
We all have different viewpoints. For instance I'm a staunch supporter of Israel yet I have good friends who want a Palestinian state. We agree on some things but not others. Should I bin a friend because they disagree on politics? If everyone was a carbon of me it would be a dull friendship.
I find politics is a subject best avoided in just about any circle, if I started falling out with people over politics I'd probably fall out with most of my immediate family and in-laws as I think I'm the only one who didn't vote for Reform.Jamescrs said:
Hugo Stiglitz said:
We all have different viewpoints. For instance I'm a staunch supporter of Israel yet I have good friends who want a Palestinian state. We agree on some things but not others. Should I bin a friend because they disagree on politics? If everyone was a carbon of me it would be a dull friendship.
I find politics is a subject best avoided in just about any circle, if I started falling out with people over politics I'd probably fall out with most of my immediate family and in-laws as I think I'm the only one who didn't vote for Reform.The stuff about women and being short/not good looking - help him as much as you can, advise him to get fit, good haircut, well fitted clothes etc. But live and let live.
Hugo Stiglitz said:
We all have different viewpoints. For instance I'm a staunch supporter of Israel yet I have good friends who want a Palestinian state. We agree on some things but not others. Should I bin a friend because they disagree on politics? If everyone was a carbon of me it would be a dull friendship.
I agree to an extent - I have friends who we have interesting discussions with which we both enjoy and can appreciate the others point of view. However, sounds like with the OP it is perhaps a one way street with their friend refusing to accept that there may be alternative views to his extreme views.It all comes down to whether the OP is prepared to accept the situation because I would suspect his friend is unlikely to change his views regardless of what evidence is put before them.
The choices as I see it are
1. If he values other parts of the friendship then Just let him ramble on and nod at the right times and inwardly chuckle
2. If there are aspects of the friendship that don’t add value to the OP then harsh as it seems, then the OP should consider gradually withdrawing.
I had a couple who were both long standing friends over over 40 years (I had known her longer than he had) who for a variety of reasons started saying odd things and behaving in ways which my wife and I were not entirely happy with. We put up with it for a while although gradually reduced contact to the extent that we haven’t seen them for 2 years now and haven’t spoken for over 1 year now.
In some ways it is sad but neither of us miss the barbed comments they used to make.
Jamescrs said:
Hugo Stiglitz said:
We all have different viewpoints. For instance I'm a staunch supporter of Israel yet I have good friends who want a Palestinian state. We agree on some things but not others. Should I bin a friend because they disagree on politics? If everyone was a carbon of me it would be a dull friendship.
I find politics is a subject best avoided in just about any circle, if I started falling out with people over politics I'd probably fall out with most of my immediate family and in-laws as I think I'm the only one who didn't vote for Reform.Both sides have to work that out though as there as some people that I would not have a discussion about politics with!
te'. 
Hugo Stiglitz said:
We all have different viewpoints. For instance I'm a staunch supporter of Israel yet I have good friends who want a Palestinian state. We agree on some things but not others. Should I bin a friend because they disagree on politics? If everyone was a carbon of me it would be a dull friendship.
You are a good person and somewhat unusual today.I can not understand how some people can't understand that everyone has different views and opinions and unless they are literally ramming their opinion down your throat trying to get you to think the same then its their choice.
Its a huge problem with society today. People ready to dish out total hatred to anyone who doesn't follow their script.
Your friend's behaviour is highly abnormal.
To stand any chance if helping him to return to normality, it's necessary to establish the root cause. There's generally two to consider.
The first, and apologies for being blunt, is that he's thick. I doubt that is the case as this would have shown itself long before now.
The next is that it's been triggered by something... death of a person close to them, loosing a job, a period of ill health, etc.
Simply trying to demonstrate that their beliefs are unfounded will be ineffective. It's necessary to address what has triggered their mindset and seek to resolve whatever it is from that, that has lead them to the behaviour today. Do that, and they can find their own way to the truth.
There is also the possibility of mental health issues. One might say this is obvious, but what is manifested is sometime a consequence or symptom of mental health issues but not the issue in itself.
To stand any chance if helping him to return to normality, it's necessary to establish the root cause. There's generally two to consider.
The first, and apologies for being blunt, is that he's thick. I doubt that is the case as this would have shown itself long before now.
The next is that it's been triggered by something... death of a person close to them, loosing a job, a period of ill health, etc.
Simply trying to demonstrate that their beliefs are unfounded will be ineffective. It's necessary to address what has triggered their mindset and seek to resolve whatever it is from that, that has lead them to the behaviour today. Do that, and they can find their own way to the truth.
There is also the possibility of mental health issues. One might say this is obvious, but what is manifested is sometime a consequence or symptom of mental health issues but not the issue in itself.
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