Reconciling with an ex
Discussion
I've gathered there is a lot of wisdom in this forum that can help me navigate strong feelings of reconciling with an ex.
I'll try to keep it short and sweet.
I'm in my early 30s - I was in a secure and loving relationship with an emotionally mature woman. It was both our longest relationship (2.5 years) and the most mature one. We had both experienced toxic relationships in the past and our early 20s were wasted away due to bad mental health but we seemed to have found each other at the right time.
The love was there right till the end and we had planned kids but the breakup was a result of a rare drunken argument after a problematic family party. She was hurt quite badly by my words but she wanted to stick to it, it took a month of her being hot and cold to make up her decision, mostly being pushed by the same family members that caused the argument. I respected her decision and accepted the breakup. I contacted her 3 months later and she told me she was seeing someone and she was regretful but I decided to go full no contact and removed her from my life.
It's now been 8 months, and I've gone to therapy weekly, I have grown as a person and worked on a lot of my traumas to prevent the same reaction from ever happening again. I've dated around casually but ultimately my feelings for her and the relationship still feel strong and I believe she's currently single.
I've been debating for a month whether I should break no contact and gauge where she is and if she wants to reconcile and start a new chapter or go with my head and protect myself from any future hurt. My heart seems to be in pole position now and I feel I don't try again I'll live my life with regret.
Edit: I've realised the typo in the title - mods please change.
I'll try to keep it short and sweet.
I'm in my early 30s - I was in a secure and loving relationship with an emotionally mature woman. It was both our longest relationship (2.5 years) and the most mature one. We had both experienced toxic relationships in the past and our early 20s were wasted away due to bad mental health but we seemed to have found each other at the right time.
The love was there right till the end and we had planned kids but the breakup was a result of a rare drunken argument after a problematic family party. She was hurt quite badly by my words but she wanted to stick to it, it took a month of her being hot and cold to make up her decision, mostly being pushed by the same family members that caused the argument. I respected her decision and accepted the breakup. I contacted her 3 months later and she told me she was seeing someone and she was regretful but I decided to go full no contact and removed her from my life.
It's now been 8 months, and I've gone to therapy weekly, I have grown as a person and worked on a lot of my traumas to prevent the same reaction from ever happening again. I've dated around casually but ultimately my feelings for her and the relationship still feel strong and I believe she's currently single.
I've been debating for a month whether I should break no contact and gauge where she is and if she wants to reconcile and start a new chapter or go with my head and protect myself from any future hurt. My heart seems to be in pole position now and I feel I don't try again I'll live my life with regret.
Edit: I've realised the typo in the title - mods please change.
I don't think that reconciliation works for many, there is always the memory of the vitriol that caused the break up originally and there is always the risk that at some point the phrase will be heard, 'you haven't changed, I wish I had never got back with you'
But, if you want to ignore that, there was a song with the lyric
'Same thing it took, to get your baby hooked, its going to take the same thing to keep her'
I made the mistake of working six sometimes seven days a week to build up money to move house somewhere nice and retire early, thinking I was doing the best thing for us both, she cleared off with money and the car, spent £250,00 in a year and then came back and said I miss you can I come home.
However much I loved her then and to this day I would not be able to forgive and forget.
But, if you want to ignore that, there was a song with the lyric
'Same thing it took, to get your baby hooked, its going to take the same thing to keep her'
I made the mistake of working six sometimes seven days a week to build up money to move house somewhere nice and retire early, thinking I was doing the best thing for us both, she cleared off with money and the car, spent £250,00 in a year and then came back and said I miss you can I come home.
However much I loved her then and to this day I would not be able to forgive and forget.
If she was seeing someone 3 months after you split, I wouldn't bother. IME it's rarely a good idea to try and resume a relationship that has been ended, there's a reason Hollywood can sell that storyline as a modern day fairytale. At worst she was never that into you and has moved on already. At best she is now single and you can get a 3rd party to ask on your behalf, which limits the damage a rejection would do.
Collectingbrass said:
If she was seeing someone 3 months after you split, I wouldn't bother. IME it's rarely a good idea to try and resume a relationship that has been ended, there's a reason Hollywood can sell that storyline as a modern day fairytale. At worst she was never that into you and has moved on already. At best she is now single and you can get a 3rd party to ask on your behalf, which limits the damage a rejection would do.
I think this was the hardest aspect of the breakup, more so than the actual breakup.However, I realised her moving on quickly wasn't down to my worth but more so her loneliness/insecurity and the avoid I left behind. Everyone processes a breakup differently.
Her love for me was there. She was the one who chased me, she was the one who asked me to be her bf and ultimately she begged me to move in with her.
I guess a lot of my regret comes from my self-sabotage and losing someone who was so invested in me and loved me so badly. I was also a damn good partner. As I mentioned we were emotionally mature and were in therapy just for self growth but since doing all the work after the breakup I now know what I lost.
The only reason you're even entertaining this is because you haven't found anyone else to date! (A bit like guys getting loads of great sex, dont look at porn)
So either you work harder on that, ie spend loads of time and effort and money on the apps and dates and whatever. And make finding someone a priority with your spare time.
or
You actually accept you're going to be single for a while and start to live like that! And then in a year or 2 you'll inevitably find someone you want to be in a relationship with.
Going back to someone who has already rejected you is ridiculous! Where's your self esteem ffs!
So either you work harder on that, ie spend loads of time and effort and money on the apps and dates and whatever. And make finding someone a priority with your spare time.
or
You actually accept you're going to be single for a while and start to live like that! And then in a year or 2 you'll inevitably find someone you want to be in a relationship with.
Going back to someone who has already rejected you is ridiculous! Where's your self esteem ffs!
I know a school mate who split up with his GF in his early 30s as she wanted commitment, he wasn't ready.
He is now in his 60s and has been single ever since the breakup. He has had relationships, but nothing more that a casual fling.
He regrets that he didn't commit.
OP, contact the ex, you have nothing to lose and if she is not interested, you can fully move on.
He is now in his 60s and has been single ever since the breakup. He has had relationships, but nothing more that a casual fling.
He regrets that he didn't commit.
OP, contact the ex, you have nothing to lose and if she is not interested, you can fully move on.
Someone that I know had a heated argument with his partner, he lived in her apartment in Canary Wharf.
She decided to throw him out, even packed all his stuff when he was at work.
He came home, the argument continued, she held the door open for him to go after taking hold of his keys.
Him: I want you to know that if I go I am never coming back
Her: That's the idea dummy, you are never coming back
She decided to throw him out, even packed all his stuff when he was at work.
He came home, the argument continued, she held the door open for him to go after taking hold of his keys.
Him: I want you to know that if I go I am never coming back
Her: That's the idea dummy, you are never coming back
k off, if she does, you know you’ll have to move on-please update the thread Personally I wouldn't, but if you do want to go back down that path, this advice from CB about using an 3rd party is good.
Collectingbrass said:
If she was seeing someone 3 months after you split, I wouldn't bother. IME it's rarely a good idea to try and resume a relationship that has been ended, there's a reason Hollywood can sell that storyline as a modern day fairytale. At worst she was never that into you and has moved on already. At best she is now single and you can get a 3rd party to ask on your behalf, which limits the damage a rejection would do.
Leave well alone OP.
You have made progress since the split, even though it may not feel like it. All of that progress will be lost if you go back and it falls apart again. How will you feel if you ask for a reconciliation and she says no? It can take a while get over someone who you feel may have been “the one!” In my experience, it is too easy to keep thinking “what if” and that in itself, can stop you from moving on. The fact that she got together with someone else so soon after you had split up tells you all you need to know. Move on, there is someone out there for you who will be better for you. Good luck in finding them.
You have made progress since the split, even though it may not feel like it. All of that progress will be lost if you go back and it falls apart again. How will you feel if you ask for a reconciliation and she says no? It can take a while get over someone who you feel may have been “the one!” In my experience, it is too easy to keep thinking “what if” and that in itself, can stop you from moving on. The fact that she got together with someone else so soon after you had split up tells you all you need to know. Move on, there is someone out there for you who will be better for you. Good luck in finding them.
Thanks for the replies so far - there seems to be a 50/50 split 
A few points to add - I decided not to get into anything serious after the breakup to heal and grow, however, I did date casually and met at least two really good relationship material girls. I couldn't commit to them because I wasn't in the right headspace.
I've also hooked up and living in London, being creative with a decent social life, I don't have a problem in that regard.
All the females in my life are telling me to message her and all the men are telling me not to. I should take her silence as a sign, however, I also set hard boundaries after the last conversation to protect myself and I know she's respecting them.
In recent months she has restarted interacting with my sister on social media. They still follow each other on IG and I recently found out about this.
ATM I'm still 50/50. My therapist says ultimately I need to make the decision and I need to stop analysing everything and overprotecting myself, which is fair but the last time I was vulnerable with her I got hurt badly.
A few points to add - I decided not to get into anything serious after the breakup to heal and grow, however, I did date casually and met at least two really good relationship material girls. I couldn't commit to them because I wasn't in the right headspace.
I've also hooked up and living in London, being creative with a decent social life, I don't have a problem in that regard.
All the females in my life are telling me to message her and all the men are telling me not to. I should take her silence as a sign, however, I also set hard boundaries after the last conversation to protect myself and I know she's respecting them.
In recent months she has restarted interacting with my sister on social media. They still follow each other on IG and I recently found out about this.
ATM I'm still 50/50. My therapist says ultimately I need to make the decision and I need to stop analysing everything and overprotecting myself, which is fair but the last time I was vulnerable with her I got hurt badly.
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