Is it just me?
Discussion
As a father of 3 growing young girls, working full time, the Mrs also working full time it is becoming ever more apparent that we are struggling with the upkeep of the family home, jobs piling up everywhere to the point where we don't know which way to turn, decorating needing doing everywhere or jobs half done because something else has come up, we are surrounded by greenery that constantly needs sorting and as soon as its done its needing doing again within a couple of weeks, basic household chores like washing and cleaning on top, kids hobbies 3 times a week which are usually towards the end of the night which mean we are back and forth in the car for that, and it's only when you take a step back and look at everything that needs doing and it's become overwhelming.
I look at other families who seemingly keep lovely looking homes and have time for everything and think to myself is it just me? I don't think i am lazy at all (in fact i know I'm not) but what are we (I) doing wrong? I also manage a health condition that takes up my day to day life but I'll not go much into that other than i have to incorporate it into my life with thought daily.
One of the main things of it all is when i do look at everything that needs doing is i simply give up and stick my head in the sand hoping it'll all be fixed but i know it won't and so it gets worse, I don't even know why i am writing this i just felt i needed to get if off my chest in the hope that I'm not the only one and how anyone else manages.
I look at other families who seemingly keep lovely looking homes and have time for everything and think to myself is it just me? I don't think i am lazy at all (in fact i know I'm not) but what are we (I) doing wrong? I also manage a health condition that takes up my day to day life but I'll not go much into that other than i have to incorporate it into my life with thought daily.
One of the main things of it all is when i do look at everything that needs doing is i simply give up and stick my head in the sand hoping it'll all be fixed but i know it won't and so it gets worse, I don't even know why i am writing this i just felt i needed to get if off my chest in the hope that I'm not the only one and how anyone else manages.
Similar here.
When kids come along, it’s not the huge blocks of time that create pressure on household jobs and hobbies but the smaller stuff.
I’m laughed at a little in my house but I create Trello lists and add any job (no matter how small or large) onto there and then prioritise the job. Even add the garden maintenance on there.
Even though the garden is small, also looking for a reasonably priced gardener to allow the knock on time created to allow myself to focus on a car restoration as an example.
I find if I have a to-do list, despite the scary fact I’ll never complete it, it allows me to allocate any upcoming time to the take at the top of the list and also prevents procrastination. Also use the same for work!
When kids come along, it’s not the huge blocks of time that create pressure on household jobs and hobbies but the smaller stuff.
I’m laughed at a little in my house but I create Trello lists and add any job (no matter how small or large) onto there and then prioritise the job. Even add the garden maintenance on there.
Even though the garden is small, also looking for a reasonably priced gardener to allow the knock on time created to allow myself to focus on a car restoration as an example.
I find if I have a to-do list, despite the scary fact I’ll never complete it, it allows me to allocate any upcoming time to the take at the top of the list and also prevents procrastination. Also use the same for work!
I can't say I'm surprised;
You have an underlying health issue, a wife, 3 growing kids- with hobbies- and both work full time. apart from figuring out time travel I don't see how you can! Fair play to you both- tho' kids having hobbies and your attention is paramount. Everything else is just side salad.
Can you not sub contract the higher priority stuff out? (e.g. decorating, gardening etc).
You have an underlying health issue, a wife, 3 growing kids- with hobbies- and both work full time. apart from figuring out time travel I don't see how you can! Fair play to you both- tho' kids having hobbies and your attention is paramount. Everything else is just side salad.
Can you not sub contract the higher priority stuff out? (e.g. decorating, gardening etc).
Without knowing how old the girls are, one step is to make sure they each play a part in accordance with their age and abilities. When I was young emptying the bins into the dustbin the night before bin day was one of them.
Whist the children are still young enough to actually want to talk and be around their parents, get them involved in the washing up, vacuuming, gardening and even the decorating. If you feel the need, you can explain to the children that you all live in the house so you are all responsible for its upkeep and that running them to their activities, uses up the time available for you to do the tasks. Of course results won't be perfect the first, or even the second time, and initially you will feel you spend a lot more time explaining how to do the job than doing it yourself; however it pays off in the long run.
It is a lot easier to get younger children involved in helping, than wait until they are surly, entitled teenagers.
Whist the children are still young enough to actually want to talk and be around their parents, get them involved in the washing up, vacuuming, gardening and even the decorating. If you feel the need, you can explain to the children that you all live in the house so you are all responsible for its upkeep and that running them to their activities, uses up the time available for you to do the tasks. Of course results won't be perfect the first, or even the second time, and initially you will feel you spend a lot more time explaining how to do the job than doing it yourself; however it pays off in the long run.
It is a lot easier to get younger children involved in helping, than wait until they are surly, entitled teenagers.
Edited by GliderRider on Sunday 28th July 10:48
I find with garden and house maintenance it can pile up so little and often helps.
No children but 2 houses we call home and a fairly demanding day job make it quite pressured, friends and acquaintances think it’s a great lifestyle but it’s a constant list of jobs, so much so we will likely consolidate in the autumn. I’m a keen cyclist and my rides are considerably shorter than a lot of other guys, I just can’t justify 4-5 hours out of the house on a weekend.
No children but 2 houses we call home and a fairly demanding day job make it quite pressured, friends and acquaintances think it’s a great lifestyle but it’s a constant list of jobs, so much so we will likely consolidate in the autumn. I’m a keen cyclist and my rides are considerably shorter than a lot of other guys, I just can’t justify 4-5 hours out of the house on a weekend.
Par for the course really.
You're not doing anything wrong, it's just you're so time poor with all the stresses of family life and something will always have to give.
We're similar. Wife has health issues which puts additional pressures on my own free time meaning little jobs kept being put back let alone the big jobs that need doing like getting a new kitchen.
Most things can wait though. When I have leave from work I prefer to go away and enjoy my time with the missus rather than try and use it to catch up on DIY or the garden. We did have the front done up recently which has led to the front garden looking like the Somme after the Germans arrived but I'll do a hour or so here and there and eventually it will get done. What used to take me a couple of days can now take months but I'm cool with that.
Just concentrate on home stuff that really matters and the rest you do when you feel you can. Don't sweat it.
You're not doing anything wrong, it's just you're so time poor with all the stresses of family life and something will always have to give.
We're similar. Wife has health issues which puts additional pressures on my own free time meaning little jobs kept being put back let alone the big jobs that need doing like getting a new kitchen.
Most things can wait though. When I have leave from work I prefer to go away and enjoy my time with the missus rather than try and use it to catch up on DIY or the garden. We did have the front done up recently which has led to the front garden looking like the Somme after the Germans arrived but I'll do a hour or so here and there and eventually it will get done. What used to take me a couple of days can now take months but I'm cool with that.
Just concentrate on home stuff that really matters and the rest you do when you feel you can. Don't sweat it.
Just chip away at it. 1 job a week. We wanted a TV hung on the wall it wasn’t being done for months so last week I finally sorted it. Took me 3 days lol.
Painting and decorating I do once a year but the exact same colour and just the high wear areas usuallly the night of the children the grubby little oiks.
I enjoy gardening so prioritise that over other DIY.
Or if you can’t manage it pay a handyman few hundred quid might tick off a few jobs.
Painting and decorating I do once a year but the exact same colour and just the high wear areas usuallly the night of the children the grubby little oiks.
I enjoy gardening so prioritise that over other DIY.
Or if you can’t manage it pay a handyman few hundred quid might tick off a few jobs.
James_33 said:
As a father of 3 growing young girls, working full time, the Mrs also working full time it is becoming ever more apparent that we are struggling with the upkeep of the family home, jobs piling up everywhere to the point where we don't know which way to turn, decorating needing doing everywhere or jobs half done because something else has come up, we are surrounded by greenery that constantly needs sorting and as soon as its done its needing doing again within a couple of weeks, basic household chores like washing and cleaning on top, kids hobbies 3 times a week which are usually towards the end of the night which mean we are back and forth in the car for that, and it's only when you take a step back and look at everything that needs doing and it's become overwhelming.
I look at other families who seemingly keep lovely looking homes and have time for everything and think to myself is it just me? I don't think i am lazy at all (in fact i know I'm not) but what are we (I) doing wrong? I also manage a health condition that takes up my day to day life but I'll not go much into that other than i have to incorporate it into my life with thought daily.
One of the main things of it all is when i do look at everything that needs doing is i simply give up and stick my head in the sand hoping it'll all be fixed but i know it won't and so it gets worse, I don't even know why i am writing this i just felt i needed to get if off my chest in the hope that I'm not the only one and how anyone else manages.
Definitely not just you! I’m a procrastinator, a perfectionist and love taking on a new project so about the worst combination you can get. I wonder why so many get time at the weekend for trips and hobbies whilst I’m at home sorting something else on the never ending pile. I look at other families who seemingly keep lovely looking homes and have time for everything and think to myself is it just me? I don't think i am lazy at all (in fact i know I'm not) but what are we (I) doing wrong? I also manage a health condition that takes up my day to day life but I'll not go much into that other than i have to incorporate it into my life with thought daily.
One of the main things of it all is when i do look at everything that needs doing is i simply give up and stick my head in the sand hoping it'll all be fixed but i know it won't and so it gets worse, I don't even know why i am writing this i just felt i needed to get if off my chest in the hope that I'm not the only one and how anyone else manages.
In terms of other peoples homes looking perfect - that’s simple, they’re probably not if you come unannounced. My home looks great when the family come at Christmas, but definitely wouldn’t if they popped over this afternoon
It’s definitely worth keeping a very big never ending list somewhere, on your phone or a board, adding things when they’re in your head and checking them off once done. I’m fortunate that my wife’s just taken the kids away for a couple of days so I’ve won a bit of time. Should probably get off here to be honest, there’s a landing to paint…
nuyorican said:
I think the answer is: professional cleaners, decorators and gardeners.
A cleaner makes a huge difference, as do gardeners, as do people to do school runs & part-time child care. This is how we manage to make enough time available for family activities.
I think it’s just called ‘life’.
Well specifically the life stage you’re at.
There’s only 4 options as I see it, you just pick your path:
1 Always on top of everything, but it’s a small ‘life’ to manage. One of my mates is still single in his 40s, nice but small flat, low overheads, therefore undemanding job, diary is 100% his to manage. Considers ‘staying on top of watering his house plants’ a major thing that needs diarising.
2 Always on top of everything, it’s a big life, but has decent money. Again, I know a family member like this. Family he prioritises spending time with, owns own business, likes to socialise, holiday and host.. but that’s it. Everything and I mean everything is outsourced to contractors managed by his wife who doesn’t work. I once asked where his garden ended, he casually mentioned he’d need to ask his wife to ask the gardening company to know exactly.
3 Keep on top but basically set expectations too high and run ragged. Verging on neurotic ie never sitting down, always running from thing to thing, no time to stop and smell the roses or even to rest properly ie cleaning bathrooms at 11pm because it’s the only time free etc. But prone to illness and episodes of emotional outbursts / erratic decision making when in the energy valley when ‘falling down / can’t cope’. Old friends are a bit like this, bought a massive doer upper house stretched to their financial limit. Lots of enthusiasm that with DIY they’ll get there. I really hope they do and it’s all worth it for them. But tbh their lives for the last 6 years hasn’t been my cuppa tea, they still live in a semi building site and the project dominates their every waking thought. Personally I’m a fan of ‘know your limits, don’t bite off than you can chew’ unless you want an albatross round your neck.
4 Go with the flow. Prioritise urgent / important things as you see them, keep your physical/ mental health in check, and just sleep well at night knowing it’s been a good day and accepting the hallways just not looking great and the front gardens overgrown. It is what it is and you’ll get there eventually.
In reality we probably all sit within a mixture of all four.
And over time the life stages and expected/ unexpected life events we’ll move around them quite fluidly.
Well specifically the life stage you’re at.
There’s only 4 options as I see it, you just pick your path:
1 Always on top of everything, but it’s a small ‘life’ to manage. One of my mates is still single in his 40s, nice but small flat, low overheads, therefore undemanding job, diary is 100% his to manage. Considers ‘staying on top of watering his house plants’ a major thing that needs diarising.
2 Always on top of everything, it’s a big life, but has decent money. Again, I know a family member like this. Family he prioritises spending time with, owns own business, likes to socialise, holiday and host.. but that’s it. Everything and I mean everything is outsourced to contractors managed by his wife who doesn’t work. I once asked where his garden ended, he casually mentioned he’d need to ask his wife to ask the gardening company to know exactly.
3 Keep on top but basically set expectations too high and run ragged. Verging on neurotic ie never sitting down, always running from thing to thing, no time to stop and smell the roses or even to rest properly ie cleaning bathrooms at 11pm because it’s the only time free etc. But prone to illness and episodes of emotional outbursts / erratic decision making when in the energy valley when ‘falling down / can’t cope’. Old friends are a bit like this, bought a massive doer upper house stretched to their financial limit. Lots of enthusiasm that with DIY they’ll get there. I really hope they do and it’s all worth it for them. But tbh their lives for the last 6 years hasn’t been my cuppa tea, they still live in a semi building site and the project dominates their every waking thought. Personally I’m a fan of ‘know your limits, don’t bite off than you can chew’ unless you want an albatross round your neck.
4 Go with the flow. Prioritise urgent / important things as you see them, keep your physical/ mental health in check, and just sleep well at night knowing it’s been a good day and accepting the hallways just not looking great and the front gardens overgrown. It is what it is and you’ll get there eventually.
In reality we probably all sit within a mixture of all four.
And over time the life stages and expected/ unexpected life events we’ll move around them quite fluidly.
I am retired and still manage to find about 2 hours of stuff per day to keep me busy. I don't do stuff everyday but it tends to work out about 2 hours a day. I can't imagine how i managed to fit in working.
Today I changed the gearbox oil in one of the cars, cut the grass (which is a 1.3 mile walk behind a lawnmower), just replaced a fuse in the cooker hood and finally fixed a puncture on my bike.
Today I changed the gearbox oil in one of the cars, cut the grass (which is a 1.3 mile walk behind a lawnmower), just replaced a fuse in the cooker hood and finally fixed a puncture on my bike.
I'm having a "lazy" weekend which roughly translates into stacks of garden-related chores. I'm currently having a break from extending the irrigation system/altering some of the drip rates.
Yesterday involved cutting the lawn, cleaning the hard standing areas, trimming things and generally getting the place spruced up for an outdoor dinner. I did 10,000 steps before I even left the house.
On top of that, several dish washer loads, a couple of washes, a bit of (actual) work and.....stuff.
It never ends but at l do enjoy the gardening part and the hosting dinner thing.
Yesterday involved cutting the lawn, cleaning the hard standing areas, trimming things and generally getting the place spruced up for an outdoor dinner. I did 10,000 steps before I even left the house.
On top of that, several dish washer loads, a couple of washes, a bit of (actual) work and.....stuff.
It never ends but at l do enjoy the gardening part and the hosting dinner thing.
Magnum 475 said:
nuyorican said:
I think the answer is: professional cleaners, decorators and gardeners.
A cleaner makes a huge difference, as do gardeners, as do people to do school runs & part-time child care. This is how we manage to make enough time available for family activities.
Thanks for the replies guys, in some ways it gave me a bit of a lift to read that it's not just me at all and that maybe in some respect i put a bit too much pressure on myself, I remember amongst the replies someone wondered how old my kids were, the oldest is approaching 13, the other 2 are 11 and 10, so whilst they are old enough to do certain chores themselves, they can also be a handful and as the only male in the household you can imagine the stresses of what comes with that and i imagine it only gets harder when they all become teenagers.
With regards to working full time the pair of us, you'd think we may have spare money around to pay for putting these jobs on to others to make things easier and whilst we aren't in any sort of poverty of any kind, we aren't exactly living it up either, we have a nice family car (nothing of any extravagance) we about stretch to a UK holiday once a year, the kids all do the same hobby which whilst it costs us over £200 a month we believe in them doing what they enjoy and not being the type who will grow up roaming the streets aimlessly like so many do with nothing to do.
I'm approaching 40 years of age very quickly and maybe this is also secretly bothering me more than i thought it ever would, and comparing my own life with others (big mistake i know) but thank you everyone who's took time out to reply, you've all given me a little food for thought.
With regards to working full time the pair of us, you'd think we may have spare money around to pay for putting these jobs on to others to make things easier and whilst we aren't in any sort of poverty of any kind, we aren't exactly living it up either, we have a nice family car (nothing of any extravagance) we about stretch to a UK holiday once a year, the kids all do the same hobby which whilst it costs us over £200 a month we believe in them doing what they enjoy and not being the type who will grow up roaming the streets aimlessly like so many do with nothing to do.
I'm approaching 40 years of age very quickly and maybe this is also secretly bothering me more than i thought it ever would, and comparing my own life with others (big mistake i know) but thank you everyone who's took time out to reply, you've all given me a little food for thought.
Sheepshanks said:
I'll take a wild guess and say that the mortgage is such that it requires both parents to work full-time to keep the plates spinning. Of course, if we go back to the good old days, people would live within their means and have a slush fund, and only the man of the house would work, whilst managing the kids and household duties would be the domain of the wife. Nobody seems to do that anymore.
Generation ahead here, but that was very much our lives - wife gave up work when kids came along. Mortgage was 2x my salary by then.I look at our "kids" - 2 daughter's married with little kids of their own - and their houses aren't far off what your see on Stacey Solomon's Sort Your Life Out programme. We do stuff for them when we can - the blokes in both cases are close to useless - but daughters have pretty full-on jobs and outside of that their lives are very much focussed on running around after their kids. Everything else falls by the wayside.
brownspeed said:
I can't say I'm surprised;
You have an underlying health issue, a wife, 3 growing kids- with hobbies- and both work full time. apart from figuring out time travel I don't see how you can! Fair play to you both- tho' kids having hobbies and your attention is paramount. Everything else is just side salad.
Can you not sub contract the higher priority stuff out? (e.g. decorating, gardening etc).
This.You have an underlying health issue, a wife, 3 growing kids- with hobbies- and both work full time. apart from figuring out time travel I don't see how you can! Fair play to you both- tho' kids having hobbies and your attention is paramount. Everything else is just side salad.
Can you not sub contract the higher priority stuff out? (e.g. decorating, gardening etc).
valiant said:
When I have leave from work I prefer to go away and enjoy my time with the missus rather than try and use it to catch up on DIY or the garden.
Just concentrate on home stuff that really matters and the rest you do when you feel you can. Don't sweat it.
And this.Just concentrate on home stuff that really matters and the rest you do when you feel you can. Don't sweat it.
We're a little older than you (with consequently less energy), and our youngest is younger than yours, so we've now got to the point where we're really feeling it, just like you - we're just finishing an extension to the back of the house as a 'cheap' alternative to moving house (all subcontracted out, I'm not talented or fit enough to do much more than painting or snagging) but the stress / project management of that on top of everything else (and a busy 2-3 years prior to it) has nearly broken me...never felt so flat / energy-less in my life before - physical and mental. An overdue break from work has been very welcome, even though we've now got both kids at home.
I think it's a symptom of modern middle-class lives - you need 2 jobs to pay for everything (and probably want 2 jobs for the self-actualisation), you probably don't live close to parents, or if you do they're older and unable to help as much as you want with childcare, you feel like you need to keep up with the Joneses - keeping gardens nice, good car on the drive, holiday each year blah blah. And those jobs are now more pressured than ever as your company has laid off people as part of cost-cutting exercises so everyone has more work. Or you've changed job for a promotion / pay-rise and it's further to commute or more responsibility. Time is ridiculously precious.
...and suddenly you find you've been neglecting yourself or neglecting friendships (or worse in some ways - neglecting the missus), you've been phoning-in being a parent on those days you're knackered, the little jobs are piling up everywhere, the house looks untidy and in need of redecoration and there's not much left of you to give to any of it the attention it deserves.
My 2p - don't sweat the little stuff (or as above pay someone else to do some of it - a cleaner, a jobbing gardener, etc.), hit the big stuff before it becomes a big problem, DO make time for yourself (including seeing mates) and your missus, and try to be 'present' when with the kids - especially as before long they'll be teenagers and you won't have those moments again.
Routine helps - are you an early riser / could you be an early riser? Getting up while everyone else is asleep is a good feeling (esp. if you then get out to exercise), and it gives you an excuse to go to bed early rather than sweat over little jobs that you'll not do properly because you're tired.
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