Teenage daughter. At wits end
Discussion
TL:DR
Are they all so bloody horrible?
I remember the days when I had such a sweet daughter. Kind, caring, polite, charismatic, loving, affectionate, helpful, intelligent, well behaved etc. But now, besides the way that she looks, she’s unrecognisable to me.
To give a few examples,
She’s been learning French for the past nearly three years, but cannot count to three in French, or say ‘je m’apple’.
She doesn’t know what 7+2 is, despite winning a regional maths competition when she was at Junior School, (against kids two years older than her).
She speaks, well, yells at everyone like they’re a piece of crap, including her boyfriend. When I tried to calmly explain to her that boys don’t like being yelled at for no reason, I was told to f
k off and it had nothing to do with me.
My Mother, (who lives with us), made her one of her favourite meals for tea, (a delicious, homemade salmon and broccoli pie). When my Mother shouted upstairs to tell my daughter that dinner would be on the table in two minutes, my daughter screamed at my Mother to “fk off”.
She never asks for anything. She demands it, (“I want !”). Please, thank you, or any degree of manners, courtesy or appreciation are lost concepts.
My late-Father has left his entire, substantial estate to my daughter. It’s a highly complex and unique legal minefield that has cost us a whisker under £73k over the last three years, money that I have made clear to my daughter I will never seek to reclaim from her inheritance. My Wife and I both work two full time jobs to cover the ongoing expenses of sorting out this skillfuly and purposely designed legal quagmire. Not once has my daughter said thank you or expressed any kind of gratitude or even sadness that her Grandfather has passed.
My Wife’s parents are from foreign lands. They don’t speak a word of English. My daughter refuses to try and learn a single word of their tongue in order to communicate with them, despite them utterly doting over her. Due to the nature of my FiL work, he can’t come to the U.K.
My daughter went on a field trip with school yesterday. Upon asking her if she enjoyed it and what she did, I was screamed at to ‘shut the fk up and fk off out of the house’ before she stormed out of the kitchen. 
Her punctuality and attendance at school are in the toilet. Her attitude to learning is dreadful. Her formally large friend group is steadily dropping her like a stone. She goes out of her way to be belligerent, rude, disrespectful and unkind.
And I’ve saved the best until last……
She made the most heinous allegation against me to Social Services.
This was fully investigated by the Police, healthcare workers, social services, psychologists and the school. I cooperated fully. The conclusion of this in-depth and prolonged investigation was that there was ‘no case to answer’ and that the allegations against me were ‘baseless and without merit’. Understandably this has had a huge impact upon my relationship with my Wife, to the point where I don’t even feel comfortable being affectionate or intimate towards her, (my Wife).
These allegations almost cost me my job. I’ve seen what happens to child sex offenders in prison. If I had been remanded in custody over this I’d have certainly come to serious physical harm, potentially even killed.
Whilst I am far from perfect, I do believe that it’s important to just try and be nice to people. People could rightly say a lot of negative things about me, most of which would be true, but I’ve always believed that having good manners and trying to be nice to people is virtuous. These are positive attributes that I’ve always tried to install upon my daughter. This isn’t a girl that’s been dragged up, semi feral on some rough estate.
In conclusion, are all teenage girls nasty pieces of work, rotten to their very core, or is it just mine? Will she ever grow out of this? Or is it just ingrained in her personality to be lazy, ungrateful and nasty to everyone she knows? Purposely going out of her way to upset as many people as possible in life.
Are they all so bloody horrible?
I remember the days when I had such a sweet daughter. Kind, caring, polite, charismatic, loving, affectionate, helpful, intelligent, well behaved etc. But now, besides the way that she looks, she’s unrecognisable to me.
To give a few examples,
She’s been learning French for the past nearly three years, but cannot count to three in French, or say ‘je m’apple’.
She doesn’t know what 7+2 is, despite winning a regional maths competition when she was at Junior School, (against kids two years older than her).
She speaks, well, yells at everyone like they’re a piece of crap, including her boyfriend. When I tried to calmly explain to her that boys don’t like being yelled at for no reason, I was told to f
k off and it had nothing to do with me.My Mother, (who lives with us), made her one of her favourite meals for tea, (a delicious, homemade salmon and broccoli pie). When my Mother shouted upstairs to tell my daughter that dinner would be on the table in two minutes, my daughter screamed at my Mother to “f
k off”.She never asks for anything. She demands it, (“I want !”). Please, thank you, or any degree of manners, courtesy or appreciation are lost concepts.
My late-Father has left his entire, substantial estate to my daughter. It’s a highly complex and unique legal minefield that has cost us a whisker under £73k over the last three years, money that I have made clear to my daughter I will never seek to reclaim from her inheritance. My Wife and I both work two full time jobs to cover the ongoing expenses of sorting out this skillfuly and purposely designed legal quagmire. Not once has my daughter said thank you or expressed any kind of gratitude or even sadness that her Grandfather has passed.
My Wife’s parents are from foreign lands. They don’t speak a word of English. My daughter refuses to try and learn a single word of their tongue in order to communicate with them, despite them utterly doting over her. Due to the nature of my FiL work, he can’t come to the U.K.
My daughter went on a field trip with school yesterday. Upon asking her if she enjoyed it and what she did, I was screamed at to ‘shut the f
k up and fk off out of the house’ before she stormed out of the kitchen. Her punctuality and attendance at school are in the toilet. Her attitude to learning is dreadful. Her formally large friend group is steadily dropping her like a stone. She goes out of her way to be belligerent, rude, disrespectful and unkind.
And I’ve saved the best until last……
She made the most heinous allegation against me to Social Services.
This was fully investigated by the Police, healthcare workers, social services, psychologists and the school. I cooperated fully. The conclusion of this in-depth and prolonged investigation was that there was ‘no case to answer’ and that the allegations against me were ‘baseless and without merit’. Understandably this has had a huge impact upon my relationship with my Wife, to the point where I don’t even feel comfortable being affectionate or intimate towards her, (my Wife).
These allegations almost cost me my job. I’ve seen what happens to child sex offenders in prison. If I had been remanded in custody over this I’d have certainly come to serious physical harm, potentially even killed.
Whilst I am far from perfect, I do believe that it’s important to just try and be nice to people. People could rightly say a lot of negative things about me, most of which would be true, but I’ve always believed that having good manners and trying to be nice to people is virtuous. These are positive attributes that I’ve always tried to install upon my daughter. This isn’t a girl that’s been dragged up, semi feral on some rough estate.
In conclusion, are all teenage girls nasty pieces of work, rotten to their very core, or is it just mine? Will she ever grow out of this? Or is it just ingrained in her personality to be lazy, ungrateful and nasty to everyone she knows? Purposely going out of her way to upset as many people as possible in life.
They are certainly not all like that. Is she old enough to leave home? We all want to care for our children, but there comes a point where they have crossed lines to many times, and perhaps its time to send them on their way. This could be a lot better for you, but it could also be better for her. You often don't realize how good you have it until you have to provide for yourself.
I could tell you a story about my 14yr old son. One day I'll write a book about my experiences but one week on im still not ready to talk about it. I'm still raw.
I am going to create a topic on voice recorders though as I think it's essential. I can't stop challenging poor behaviour in the house.
Maybe one day it'll be recognised as child->parental abuse.
You have my sympathy.
I am going to create a topic on voice recorders though as I think it's essential. I can't stop challenging poor behaviour in the house.
Maybe one day it'll be recognised as child->parental abuse.
You have my sympathy.
Edited by Hugo Stiglitz on Friday 14th June 08:47
Umm no, they're not all like that.
Do you think this large inheritance has had an effect on her?
Mrs Puggit used to have wild mood swings, but fortunately she was able to see she was having issues and sought professional help. She's now on medication and never wishes to come off it (she tried once - it didn't work).
Do you think this large inheritance has had an effect on her?
Mrs Puggit used to have wild mood swings, but fortunately she was able to see she was having issues and sought professional help. She's now on medication and never wishes to come off it (she tried once - it didn't work).
Wow, so sorry to hear. I can’t offer any advice other than to say is there something going on you don’t know about? Has something happened to her? Does she have any friends you could speak to/teachers?
It sounds like some sort of therapy could be useful for her, but also that she’d likely not respond well to any suggestion from you.
Really harsh situation, good luck! Big hugs.
It sounds like some sort of therapy could be useful for her, but also that she’d likely not respond well to any suggestion from you.
Really harsh situation, good luck! Big hugs.
I realise this will be as much use as tits on a bull but genuinely sorry to hear you’re having such a nightmare. I also have a teenage daughter and whilst she’s surly and rude at times, she hasn’t gone to those depths.
I’m going through my own nightmare (my own doing) and just wanted to say best of luck and I hope with time that she finds herself and remembers everything you’ve taught her.
I’m going through my own nightmare (my own doing) and just wanted to say best of luck and I hope with time that she finds herself and remembers everything you’ve taught her.
105.......I'm going to be blunt.
I trust from your posting history that you're a man who appreciates people be frank and to the point. Take this constructively.
Do you think that your poor relationship with your daughter is a result of you working every hour God sends, 7 days a week, instead of spending actual time with her?
I trust from your posting history that you're a man who appreciates people be frank and to the point. Take this constructively.
Do you think that your poor relationship with your daughter is a result of you working every hour God sends, 7 days a week, instead of spending actual time with her?
I think she needs some help. This is not the behaviour of a person that knows who they are and is happy in themself.
Unfortunately I suspect there is something rather serious going on that you have yet to figure out.
I’m not going to speculate on what it could be. But you really do need to do something to help her open up.
The false allegation seems like an enormous issue to have hanging between you. If you know it’s false, then she obviously also does. Whatever lies behind that is probably quite important.
Unfortunately I suspect there is something rather serious going on that you have yet to figure out.
I’m not going to speculate on what it could be. But you really do need to do something to help her open up.
The false allegation seems like an enormous issue to have hanging between you. If you know it’s false, then she obviously also does. Whatever lies behind that is probably quite important.
I had some peculiar behaviour as a teenage lad, but thankfully I wasn't horrible. I was later diagnosed with Bipolar disorder and a comorbid personality disorder. Girls, especially hormonal teenage ones are bad enough at the best of times. If there's something like Border Line Personality disorder at play, then it's 100 times worse.
The change in behaviour and the allegation made against you sound horrendous. There's no possibility of her having experienced abuse at the hands of another? Abuse victims often have a change in behaviour and take their aggression out on those closest to them and some make outlandish accusations. I've witnessed this with a cousin and it was horrendous.
It sounds like an absolute nightmare. I hope you're able to make things improve for everyone involved.
The change in behaviour and the allegation made against you sound horrendous. There's no possibility of her having experienced abuse at the hands of another? Abuse victims often have a change in behaviour and take their aggression out on those closest to them and some make outlandish accusations. I've witnessed this with a cousin and it was horrendous.
It sounds like an absolute nightmare. I hope you're able to make things improve for everyone involved.
That all sounds very familiar - you have my sympathies!
Funnily enough, I spent a similar amount securing an inheritance my mother left my daughter - zero thanks, only a "when do I get the money?". I didn't charge her for all the costs.
My daughter spent several years on social media saying "my dad is a c*unt" "I hate my dad" etc - all monitored and approved by her mother.
I got divorced 8 years ago and haven't seen or heard from my daughter since. My ex wife has been key to poisoning her views.
Whilst not relevant in your case, I learned the lesson a while ago that you have to let go of those that don't love you - it's quite liberating!
Hopefully, in your case, you and your wife are a 'team' when dealing with your daughter - I think this is fairly key.
Funnily enough, I spent a similar amount securing an inheritance my mother left my daughter - zero thanks, only a "when do I get the money?". I didn't charge her for all the costs.
My daughter spent several years on social media saying "my dad is a c*unt" "I hate my dad" etc - all monitored and approved by her mother.
I got divorced 8 years ago and haven't seen or heard from my daughter since. My ex wife has been key to poisoning her views.
Whilst not relevant in your case, I learned the lesson a while ago that you have to let go of those that don't love you - it's quite liberating!
Hopefully, in your case, you and your wife are a 'team' when dealing with your daughter - I think this is fairly key.
Chipstick said:
I understand from previous posts that you work 10/12 hour days, up to 7 days a week and your wife now does a similar round. Would you say that's having any bearing on her attitude towards you at all, perhaps feeling distanced?
That in no way can explain away a child's behaviour. If anything it'd make one withdrawn. It can be over spoiling, anything.
Wow, this sounds horrible. Can't imagine how that would feel if I was in the same boat. As a teenage boy I was a pin in the arse. I would say a bit of each of the Inbetweeners kids in the sitcom. Most of it was never meant and had moments of anger mixed with moments of affection, i think more affection than animosity.
If it is as bad as you say then you probably need help as you are not dealing with a rational persons right now and that will make it worse.
If it is as bad as you say then you probably need help as you are not dealing with a rational persons right now and that will make it worse.
Broadly speaking kids drift away as teenagers and then come back in their 20's.
That said there's clearly more going on. Does her mum get the same treatment?
Might be time for her to move out. Assuming the inheritance is large if you've spent over £70k on legal fees, doesn't sound like she'll be destitute at any rate.
That said there's clearly more going on. Does her mum get the same treatment?
Might be time for her to move out. Assuming the inheritance is large if you've spent over £70k on legal fees, doesn't sound like she'll be destitute at any rate.
Spare the rod, spoil the child.
You now need professional help - your daughter will not go willingly but you will have to be strong and stubborn on this. I would ensure the inheritance is withheld until a suitable course of therapy is completed.
It will be an unpopular but good strong discipline is the key to a good relationship with your children as they are growing up. (this does not mean you need to beat them but there have to be real meaningful consequences to bad behaviour or broken rules)
You now need professional help - your daughter will not go willingly but you will have to be strong and stubborn on this. I would ensure the inheritance is withheld until a suitable course of therapy is completed.
It will be an unpopular but good strong discipline is the key to a good relationship with your children as they are growing up. (this does not mean you need to beat them but there have to be real meaningful consequences to bad behaviour or broken rules)
Hugo Stiglitz said:
I could tell you a story about my 14yr old son. One day I'll write a book about my experiences but one week on im still not ready to talk about it. I'm still raw.
I am going to create a topic on voice recorders though as I think it's essential. I can't stop challenging poor behaviour in the house.
Maybe one day it'll be recognised as child->parental abuse.
You have my sympathy.
Mine started at 12. Absolute, enduring nightmare for 8 years, then suddenly from sI am going to create a topic on voice recorders though as I think it's essential. I can't stop challenging poor behaviour in the house.
Maybe one day it'll be recognised as child->parental abuse.
You have my sympathy.
Edited by Hugo Stiglitz on Friday 14th June 08:47
tstorm force 12 to 3. Now 39.Daughter, entirely different and 'normal'.
Time4another said:
I'd be seeking professional help, it sounds too far down the line to pull it back alone. If she is old enough I'd be considering it time for her to learn to stand on her own 2 feet. Wouldn't be tolerating that kind of disrespect in my own house.
^^^But also restrict her phone/internet/TV usage if she's hiding in her room. She's clearly not studying in there. If she wants to hide in her room, she can read a book. Like Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl.
Hoofy said:
^^^
But also restrict her phone/internet/TV usage if she's hiding in her room. She's clearly not studying in there. If she wants to hide in her room, she can read a book. Like Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl.
That is the battleground. You'll be seen as the enemy number one and all means of punishment to lay you waste ready. But also restrict her phone/internet/TV usage if she's hiding in her room. She's clearly not studying in there. If she wants to hide in her room, she can read a book. Like Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl.
They couldn't care less if that could mean a parent losing their job, their home; everything. It's a personal attack on them so they attack full force..
Edit-
Now you can say 'I'd never do that as a kid' but then again we didn't have social media etc so more than likely we would not have been outdoors. Also - the (citation needed!) prevalence of diagnosis of conditions possibly down to environmental pollution etc causing behavioural issues in children increasing..
OP has your daughter been diagnosed with anything?
I'd describe my son as Sheldon Cooper in alot of ways.
Edited by Hugo Stiglitz on Friday 14th June 09:48
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