Could you live in a “wrong” sex relationship?
Poll: Could you live in a “wrong” sex relationship?
Total Members Polled: 102
Discussion
Historically a lot of gay people have lived in heterosexual relationships, got married, had children and attempted to hide their real sexuality (sometimes unsuccessfully like Huw Edwards).
For those that live in relationships that match their own sexual preference, would you be able to have a relationship with someone that you didn’t find sexually attractive?
I don’t think I would be able to live in a gay relationship and pretend I was gay. Thinking of that makes me sympathetic to gay people who feel pressured by family or society to pretend to be heterosexual.
For those that live in relationships that match their own sexual preference, would you be able to have a relationship with someone that you didn’t find sexually attractive?
I don’t think I would be able to live in a gay relationship and pretend I was gay. Thinking of that makes me sympathetic to gay people who feel pressured by family or society to pretend to be heterosexual.
I clicked "maybe" It's been so commonplace in the past I'd say we should be open minded about how easily it happens. I'm a straight, single, 50something male and see lots of men with women that I cant imagine being sexually attracted to. And it's probably the same the other way around. Women with men that even if I was gay I cant imagine sex with. Lots of things in life are a compromise, including fitting in with societies "rules".
Four Litre said:
What would the point be. Nobody cares who's with who anymore and you get a free ride at work. There are quite a few people who are 'gay for pay'. What's not to like.
I think actually lots of people still care, even if they don't admit to it. There isn't a person on the planet that isn't prejudice about something. Homophobia, racism and misogyny are still rife in some UK groups.bloomen said:
I can see why gay folk might endure in a heterosexual marriage for as long as they could take it - children on tap, supposed normalcy.
Can't really see how the other way around could ever happen. A 'closeted' hetero would have to be in some weird circumstances.
It's a hypothetical. Come on.Can't really see how the other way around could ever happen. A 'closeted' hetero would have to be in some weird circumstances.
I voted ‘no’ as am lucky enough to have someone who shares my kinks, and is open to exploring.
The idea that you’d have unsatisfactory sex, regardless of the gender of your partner, sounds like a life half lived.
I think that having to hide something that integral to who you are would shade every other part of that relationship.
I also understand that some people aren’t as primarily sexual and that the coupling aspect of sex is more important than the mechanics.
In that case I could see how your-wife-as-your-best-friend-even-though-you-secretly-love-c**k could happen.
The idea that you’d have unsatisfactory sex, regardless of the gender of your partner, sounds like a life half lived.
I think that having to hide something that integral to who you are would shade every other part of that relationship.
I also understand that some people aren’t as primarily sexual and that the coupling aspect of sex is more important than the mechanics.
In that case I could see how your-wife-as-your-best-friend-even-though-you-secretly-love-c**k could happen.
bloomen said:
I can see why gay folk might endure in a heterosexual marriage for as long as they could take it - children on tap, supposed normalcy.
Can't really see how the other way around could ever happen. A 'closeted' hetero would have to be in some weird circumstances.
Of course in reality but this is a thought experiment. Can't really see how the other way around could ever happen. A 'closeted' hetero would have to be in some weird circumstances.
As a thought experiment: ut's a "no" from me - I am very clear about what I like, and wouldn't be happy to be in a relationship with a person of the sex I am not attracted to.
(Skipping over the attractiveness issue raised by some, which is a red herring to me. If you a cis male in a hetro relationship, and you and your partner are say 6/10, I don't think any number of 10/10 men is going to change your preferences. And thats assuming a 10/10 bloke would want you... entitlement needs to be kept in check I think)
Does that help me understand people who find themselves doing this? No, not really. I feel I would be able to either pursue a relationship of what I wanted, or forgoe a relationship if society pressured me into having one with someone I didn't find attractive.
I can however easily imagine, and have heard from people who feel trapped by society: either in the sexuality of their partner or their own gender.
However, hopefully in this country at least we are becoming far more aware of this, and give people help and support totackle these problems which must create significant mental anguish for those affected by them.
And back to that hypothetical couple above: what if the woman was a 6/10 and wanted a relationship with the 10/10 guy? Everyone would laugh at the idea of us all tying ourselves in knots about how "unfair" society was for their unrequited love.
To the individual however, I doubt the anguish would feel particularly different...
(Skipping over the attractiveness issue raised by some, which is a red herring to me. If you a cis male in a hetro relationship, and you and your partner are say 6/10, I don't think any number of 10/10 men is going to change your preferences. And thats assuming a 10/10 bloke would want you... entitlement needs to be kept in check I think)
Does that help me understand people who find themselves doing this? No, not really. I feel I would be able to either pursue a relationship of what I wanted, or forgoe a relationship if society pressured me into having one with someone I didn't find attractive.
I can however easily imagine, and have heard from people who feel trapped by society: either in the sexuality of their partner or their own gender.
However, hopefully in this country at least we are becoming far more aware of this, and give people help and support totackle these problems which must create significant mental anguish for those affected by them.
And back to that hypothetical couple above: what if the woman was a 6/10 and wanted a relationship with the 10/10 guy? Everyone would laugh at the idea of us all tying ourselves in knots about how "unfair" society was for their unrequited love.
To the individual however, I doubt the anguish would feel particularly different...
Triumph Man said:
Are there many (if any) gay/bi men who marry (or are in long term relationships with) other men who then think "hang about, I fancy me some boobies now" and go off to get with a woman instead?
In the way ‘straight’ men get caught out like the OP suggests then probably not on the basis that as a gay man your sexuality is sufficiently paramount in your life that you chose to live that life openly then you are committed to that identity & community. It may also be the case that as a bi man in relationship with a man that ‘need for boobies’ may be factored in and an avenue for satisfying that desire worked out openly.However if you repressed your true desires to fit in and not be ‘labelled’ or if your sexuality became more important to you as you age you could then be in a position that the desperation to experience that overrides common sense.
My wife made an interesting point that there may be a ‘pressure cooker’ element to this whereby the desire could be small, but long term denial of it could build to the point that you act on it in a really extreme or misguided fashion.
A successful news reader paying teenagers for pictures sounds like someone hoping to use cash & privilege to control the narrative so they feel in control of events.
A mate of mine is on his 3rd marriage (to a woman), in his late 50s and is without any doubt a gay man. He doesn't even make much effort to deny it, just laughs it off. He married his latest wife a few years ago. She's late 40s, not a small woman (I'm trying to avoid being cruel), never been married, no kids, lived with her parents until they recently passed away. It's clear they both want a companion and perhaps it works for them but I feel quite sorry for him.
The simple question I guess is could you live in a sexless or non physical relationship?
As that's the main component you wouldn't have if you where in a relationship with some one you aren't attracted to.
For me no absolutely not, mainly because my wife and I feel that physical comfortability is a huge part of a happy marriage. I'm not just talking about sex its cuddle, bum grabs, Random kisses etc if you don't have that aren't you basically room mates? Totally get that some people don't need it though.
Although apparently lots of people live in relationships missing that component because for some reason it s accepted that if you have been married a while all that stuff just dies out.
So I assume lots of people could live in a relationship where they aren't attracted to their partner. I have at least 4 friends who make it pretty clear with their "jokes" that they just about scrape a BJ every 6 months if they are well behaved. Which is just sad to me.
As that's the main component you wouldn't have if you where in a relationship with some one you aren't attracted to.
For me no absolutely not, mainly because my wife and I feel that physical comfortability is a huge part of a happy marriage. I'm not just talking about sex its cuddle, bum grabs, Random kisses etc if you don't have that aren't you basically room mates? Totally get that some people don't need it though.
Although apparently lots of people live in relationships missing that component because for some reason it s accepted that if you have been married a while all that stuff just dies out.
So I assume lots of people could live in a relationship where they aren't attracted to their partner. I have at least 4 friends who make it pretty clear with their "jokes" that they just about scrape a BJ every 6 months if they are well behaved. Which is just sad to me.
ntiz said:
The simple question I guess is could you live in a sexless or non physical relationship?
Bit more than that as it's a gender or orientation you wouldn't otherwise entertain. If you're going to have a sexless marriage then at least there's zero prospect of feeling denied if you are fundamentally turned off.
JackJarvis said:
It's clear they both want a companion and perhaps it works for them but I feel quite sorry for him.
There's much to be said for companionship. Not sure why you have to marry one though.
It's a no from me.
But I can understand how people have done it, especially further back in time when being gay was frowned upon or considered as abnormal.
My great uncle is gay, he's in his 80s now. He knew he was from a young age but it wasn't allowed when he was young and in turn they tried to 'cure' him with electro shock therapy etc. He emigrated to Australia and actually married and had children but it wasn't him, just the done thing at the time. He's now happy with his partner and divorced. So I can see why he went down what was the conventional route.
Fortunately now, it's accepted (by most hopefully) and enables people to be with their right partner.
But I can understand how people have done it, especially further back in time when being gay was frowned upon or considered as abnormal.
My great uncle is gay, he's in his 80s now. He knew he was from a young age but it wasn't allowed when he was young and in turn they tried to 'cure' him with electro shock therapy etc. He emigrated to Australia and actually married and had children but it wasn't him, just the done thing at the time. He's now happy with his partner and divorced. So I can see why he went down what was the conventional route.
Fortunately now, it's accepted (by most hopefully) and enables people to be with their right partner.
I'm more and more sceptical of labels like gay and straight. As is the way with labels they put a huge range of people into very broad categories which then take on a life of their own and an undue influence on those who identify with them. They thus create division and extremism, as people accentuate the behaviours of that label. It's the same with labels like left/right, black/white. People adopt them and then feel they have to live up to them, associate primarily with people who share them and quite often have some sort of antagonism towards those who don't share them.
I'm an individual. I've always been more interested in women and am now happily married to one. That doesn't define me, or cover aspect of my sexual and emotional life. If at some future point I am attracted to someone of the same sex I wouldn't rule out acting on it. If, God forbid, my wife was no longer around and I found that I preferred the company of another man to another woman then why not. Especially of he was any good at woodwork and plastering.
I think we are complex creatures who vary over time and place and with different interpersonal dynamics. The idea of rolling all that complexity and variance into one label and saying that is all I am and will ever be seems unnecessarily narrow and restrictive; and when it turns into militant identitarianism, also divisive.
I'm an individual. I've always been more interested in women and am now happily married to one. That doesn't define me, or cover aspect of my sexual and emotional life. If at some future point I am attracted to someone of the same sex I wouldn't rule out acting on it. If, God forbid, my wife was no longer around and I found that I preferred the company of another man to another woman then why not. Especially of he was any good at woodwork and plastering.
I think we are complex creatures who vary over time and place and with different interpersonal dynamics. The idea of rolling all that complexity and variance into one label and saying that is all I am and will ever be seems unnecessarily narrow and restrictive; and when it turns into militant identitarianism, also divisive.
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