Sage advice required please - Divorce
Discussion
Never thought I'd be writing this !!
Turns out Mrs has been on multiple dating sites since Aug (claiming to be separated for over a year), has chatted with loads of guys, and has now gone to Lanzarote for a week with a guy who she 'met' online on 16 Oct. She'd told me it was an old friend who we both knew whose husband could no longer go and had asked her to take his place. All lies.
I actually found out the morning before she flew and begged her for the sake of our marriage and kids (14 & 12) not to go. Offered all kinds of counselling and mediation options.
She went anyway.
This was Sunday.
(Oh and prior to this discovery we were planning bucket list family holidays, Christmas and for a future together).
I have lots of good friends but none who have got divorced so I thought this might be a good forum for sage and practical advice. The endstate is divorce, and the focus is kids. And obviously while being incredibly angry at her, I'm also sad that she was in a situation where she thought this was her best option.
So far I have:
Told her I am filing for divorce.
Seen a couple of lawyers for initial advice.
Moved recent inheritance money from joint accounts to sole (and have told her this - I am not hiding it just making sure it can't be moved / spent without my knowledge).
Cancelled my upcoming deployment on compassionate grounds and started the process of leaving the forces (I need to be local permanently for the kids).
Changed all my passwords.
Requested mortgage and pension statements.
Sent her a message saying kids are priority. Want equitable and as far as possible amicable divorce and not to waste unnecessary money on court fees.
Told her I am not leaving matrimonial home.
I have also said I'm telling the kids this Friday that we are divorcing as it's daughters birthday the following weekend and sons after that. I do not want to live a lie that long. I've asked her to come back early to do this with me (as per all advice) and have said we must keep it neutral to the kids. I intend to tell them wether she's here or not - she had no 'reason' to stay there bigger than this.
Does anyone have any advice for anything I could proactively do to protect myself or support my kids. On and we're both around 50, married 20 years.
Sorry it's a negative post, it's been a s
t 72 hours !!
Turns out Mrs has been on multiple dating sites since Aug (claiming to be separated for over a year), has chatted with loads of guys, and has now gone to Lanzarote for a week with a guy who she 'met' online on 16 Oct. She'd told me it was an old friend who we both knew whose husband could no longer go and had asked her to take his place. All lies.
I actually found out the morning before she flew and begged her for the sake of our marriage and kids (14 & 12) not to go. Offered all kinds of counselling and mediation options.
She went anyway.
This was Sunday.
(Oh and prior to this discovery we were planning bucket list family holidays, Christmas and for a future together).
I have lots of good friends but none who have got divorced so I thought this might be a good forum for sage and practical advice. The endstate is divorce, and the focus is kids. And obviously while being incredibly angry at her, I'm also sad that she was in a situation where she thought this was her best option.
So far I have:
Told her I am filing for divorce.
Seen a couple of lawyers for initial advice.
Moved recent inheritance money from joint accounts to sole (and have told her this - I am not hiding it just making sure it can't be moved / spent without my knowledge).
Cancelled my upcoming deployment on compassionate grounds and started the process of leaving the forces (I need to be local permanently for the kids).
Changed all my passwords.
Requested mortgage and pension statements.
Sent her a message saying kids are priority. Want equitable and as far as possible amicable divorce and not to waste unnecessary money on court fees.
Told her I am not leaving matrimonial home.
I have also said I'm telling the kids this Friday that we are divorcing as it's daughters birthday the following weekend and sons after that. I do not want to live a lie that long. I've asked her to come back early to do this with me (as per all advice) and have said we must keep it neutral to the kids. I intend to tell them wether she's here or not - she had no 'reason' to stay there bigger than this.
Does anyone have any advice for anything I could proactively do to protect myself or support my kids. On and we're both around 50, married 20 years.
Sorry it's a negative post, it's been a s
t 72 hours !!Sorry to hear that. All I'll say is that I got divorced and time is a great healer. You'll be fine in the end. You need to try to believe that I think!!
Sounds like you have taken advice and have a plan. To be fair, that advice from professionals is what you need but PH is good backstop for providing reassurance and moral support.
Try and be calm and accept life got turned on it's head. Try to keep your dignity and be nice, not malicious or trying to take the other party to the cleaners. Even if you don't have as much cash after the agreement is made you can keep your self respect and walk away head held high. People, hopefully your kids will recognise it.
Those are my thoughts, I wish you good luck!!
Sounds like you have taken advice and have a plan. To be fair, that advice from professionals is what you need but PH is good backstop for providing reassurance and moral support.
Try and be calm and accept life got turned on it's head. Try to keep your dignity and be nice, not malicious or trying to take the other party to the cleaners. Even if you don't have as much cash after the agreement is made you can keep your self respect and walk away head held high. People, hopefully your kids will recognise it.
Those are my thoughts, I wish you good luck!!
Unfashionable advice from me.....
Same happened to best mate 10y ago
My advice - clean out accounts and legal up was ignored
They went for counselling
She binned off toyboy, they got back together and are now one of the strongest and most settled couples I know
He still teases me about my advice to this day
Good luck, I suspect my pals in the minority.............
Sorry to hear your news - as said you seem to have the basics covered. The next stage will really depend on what your soon to be ex wife has to say on her return.
One thing I might think about delaying though is telling your children on your own - I would wait until the traveller returns. Birthdays will become unimportant when they hear the news and they should get the reassurance of both of you, even if that grates with you.
Also as said time is a healer, but you are likely in for a bumpy ride. Take professional advice (they have heard it all many times) and avoid arguments.
One thing I might think about delaying though is telling your children on your own - I would wait until the traveller returns. Birthdays will become unimportant when they hear the news and they should get the reassurance of both of you, even if that grates with you.
Also as said time is a healer, but you are likely in for a bumpy ride. Take professional advice (they have heard it all many times) and avoid arguments.
Sorry to read this, it sounds like you’re thinking very clearly which really helps.
I’m 48 and I went through an unexpected breakup and divorce this year. From us breaking up to getting the decree absolute took less than five months. That said, we had no property or kids and we agreed a fair clean break order - I sought legal advice, she didn’t bother so it was just a formality for us.
It still feels a bit surreal but we have both moved on with our lives, and I’m sure you can too. The children I’m sure will be your priority.
Best of luck OP and you’ll no doubt get some great support and advice on PH, I know I did and it really helped.
I’m 48 and I went through an unexpected breakup and divorce this year. From us breaking up to getting the decree absolute took less than five months. That said, we had no property or kids and we agreed a fair clean break order - I sought legal advice, she didn’t bother so it was just a formality for us.
It still feels a bit surreal but we have both moved on with our lives, and I’m sure you can too. The children I’m sure will be your priority.
Best of luck OP and you’ll no doubt get some great support and advice on PH, I know I did and it really helped.
She is having the time of her life at the moment, so anything you do to protect your finances and home will be water off a ducks back to her, she wont care.
However once reality does sinks in for her then that is when the amicable part goes out of the window.
She may attempt to get you out of the house and claim to be the sole carer for your children, especially if you have been in the forces, so away previously for long periods of time.
Don't be riled into anything, and document all conversations in writing such as text confirmations of what has been said.
Read up on non molestation orders and associated exclusion orders, its the weapon of choice for divorce lawyers when trying to get dads out of the house, judges hand them out like smarties, often ex parte so you don't even know its happened until the police are knocking on your door telling you have 5 mins to pack and bag and leave or be arrested.
Expect to lose half your pension and 60 to 70% of your assets if she takes that route.
Dads are still very much on the back foot if she forces it through the courts.
Divorce is a two part process, first you need to sort the actual legal separation, only after that is concluded can you deal with the financial side. Any agreements up to that point are not worth the paper they are written on.
Are you planning to let her stay back in the house on her return, you could claim abandonment of the children and take the initiative in that respect to secure your home.
Its going to be a very bumpy ride for at least the next 2 years, but once its out of the way life will return to a form of normality.
There is a long running thread on here that might be worth reading with regards divorce.
However once reality does sinks in for her then that is when the amicable part goes out of the window.
She may attempt to get you out of the house and claim to be the sole carer for your children, especially if you have been in the forces, so away previously for long periods of time.
Don't be riled into anything, and document all conversations in writing such as text confirmations of what has been said.
Read up on non molestation orders and associated exclusion orders, its the weapon of choice for divorce lawyers when trying to get dads out of the house, judges hand them out like smarties, often ex parte so you don't even know its happened until the police are knocking on your door telling you have 5 mins to pack and bag and leave or be arrested.
Expect to lose half your pension and 60 to 70% of your assets if she takes that route.
Dads are still very much on the back foot if she forces it through the courts.
Divorce is a two part process, first you need to sort the actual legal separation, only after that is concluded can you deal with the financial side. Any agreements up to that point are not worth the paper they are written on.
Are you planning to let her stay back in the house on her return, you could claim abandonment of the children and take the initiative in that respect to secure your home.
Its going to be a very bumpy ride for at least the next 2 years, but once its out of the way life will return to a form of normality.
There is a long running thread on here that might be worth reading with regards divorce.
Keep a clear head, and start making a list of how much you spend and what you spend it on.
Take time to work out who paid for what, ( she bought the food, you paid the mortgage for instance).
Try to call to mind all the fights and what they were about. Remember when she was rude about your family or you said her friend was hot. All these things will be thrown at you to show what an unreasonable bd you were and that's the reason she strayed. I'm not saying you did these things of course but believe me anything you said or did will be raised,unless my divorce was unusual.
I wish you all the very best.
Take time to work out who paid for what, ( she bought the food, you paid the mortgage for instance).
Try to call to mind all the fights and what they were about. Remember when she was rude about your family or you said her friend was hot. All these things will be thrown at you to show what an unreasonable b
d you were and that's the reason she strayed. I'm not saying you did these things of course but believe me anything you said or did will be raised,unless my divorce was unusual.I wish you all the very best.
PAUL500 said:
She is having the time of her life at the moment, so anything you do to protect your finances and home will be water off a ducks back to her, she wont care.
However once reality does sinks in for her then that is when the amicable part goes out of the window.
She may attempt to get you out of the house and claim to be the sole carer for your children, especially if you have been in the forces, so away previously for long periods of time.
Don't be riled into anything, and document all conversations in writing such as text confirmations of what has been said.
Read up on non molestation orders and associated exclusion orders, its the weapon of choice for divorce lawyers when trying to get dads out of the house, judges hand them out like smarties, often ex parte so you don't even know its happened until the police are knocking on your door telling you have 5 mins to pack and bag and leave or be arrested.
Expect to lose half your pension and 60 to 70% of your assets if she takes that route.
Dads are still very much on the back foot if she forces it through the courts.
Divorce is a two part process, first you need to sort the actual legal separation, only after that is concluded can you deal with the financial side. Any agreements up to that point are not worth the paper they are written on.
Are you planning to let her stay back in the house on her return, you could claim abandonment of the children and take the initiative in that respect to secure your home.
Its going to be a very bumpy ride for at least the next 2 years, but once its out of the way life will return to a form of normality.
There is a long running thread on here that might be worth reading with regards divorce.
Arrgh sorry, can someone point me to the Divorce thread. I'm new here and can't find it (dumbass)However once reality does sinks in for her then that is when the amicable part goes out of the window.
She may attempt to get you out of the house and claim to be the sole carer for your children, especially if you have been in the forces, so away previously for long periods of time.
Don't be riled into anything, and document all conversations in writing such as text confirmations of what has been said.
Read up on non molestation orders and associated exclusion orders, its the weapon of choice for divorce lawyers when trying to get dads out of the house, judges hand them out like smarties, often ex parte so you don't even know its happened until the police are knocking on your door telling you have 5 mins to pack and bag and leave or be arrested.
Expect to lose half your pension and 60 to 70% of your assets if she takes that route.
Dads are still very much on the back foot if she forces it through the courts.
Divorce is a two part process, first you need to sort the actual legal separation, only after that is concluded can you deal with the financial side. Any agreements up to that point are not worth the paper they are written on.
Are you planning to let her stay back in the house on her return, you could claim abandonment of the children and take the initiative in that respect to secure your home.
Its going to be a very bumpy ride for at least the next 2 years, but once its out of the way life will return to a form of normality.
There is a long running thread on here that might be worth reading with regards divorce.
Minor funny story yesterday:
Me: ...and I've just brought my new car.
Lawyer: well, you can reasonably claim you'll need a family car too. What is it?
Me: 4 door, hatchback ... Aston Martin.
Lawyer: ok, I can't sell that you reasonably need an Aston Martin! Can I see it out if the window?
Me: no it's parked just round the corner, you'll hear it when I start it up though.
Sorry to hear this OP. It sounds like you are thinking calmly and know what you're doing. I'd be wary about making any major decisions in reaction to the initial shock such as leaving a career unless there's a clear backup plan. I can only relay my own experiences from approx 5 years ago (with her leaving similarly).
It felt as though many people had useful advice and that, if in the beginning, one were able to execute a carefully considered plan to protect vital assets and avoid being thrown out of the house, everything would follow in order.
The reality was that a saga of 1-2 years ensued, which was like a rollercoaster, with relentless ups and downs, unexpected swerves, new drama on a near daily basis, with her being amicable one moment and mental the next. She was erratic, vacillating, unstable and (as others did correct foresee) her new life wasn't all it was cracked up to be which meant after some time she was desperately trying to backpedal.
In hindsight I could never really have foreseen exactly how things would play out, and no action that I took or could have taken in the first few weeks or even months, short of doing something extreme that saw me excluded from the children's lives, would have made any material difference to the eventual long term outcome. I didn't have a recent inheritance sat in the bank and I think you have done the right thing by safeguarding that.
My advice is therefore keep doing as you are doing in a careful considered manner, but be prepared for a rough ride as Paul500 said, and that you most likely won't be able to plan, predict or control the outcome if she is prepared to do her worst rather than act co-operatively and in the interests of your children.
Wish that the guy she went with is the best relationship prospect she could ever hope to meet and that he has proposed on this whirlwind holiday and they are going to marry and live happily ever after. It literally would be the best way forward. Its unlikely of course.
Good luck.
It felt as though many people had useful advice and that, if in the beginning, one were able to execute a carefully considered plan to protect vital assets and avoid being thrown out of the house, everything would follow in order.
The reality was that a saga of 1-2 years ensued, which was like a rollercoaster, with relentless ups and downs, unexpected swerves, new drama on a near daily basis, with her being amicable one moment and mental the next. She was erratic, vacillating, unstable and (as others did correct foresee) her new life wasn't all it was cracked up to be which meant after some time she was desperately trying to backpedal.
In hindsight I could never really have foreseen exactly how things would play out, and no action that I took or could have taken in the first few weeks or even months, short of doing something extreme that saw me excluded from the children's lives, would have made any material difference to the eventual long term outcome. I didn't have a recent inheritance sat in the bank and I think you have done the right thing by safeguarding that.
My advice is therefore keep doing as you are doing in a careful considered manner, but be prepared for a rough ride as Paul500 said, and that you most likely won't be able to plan, predict or control the outcome if she is prepared to do her worst rather than act co-operatively and in the interests of your children.
Wish that the guy she went with is the best relationship prospect she could ever hope to meet and that he has proposed on this whirlwind holiday and they are going to marry and live happily ever after. It literally would be the best way forward. Its unlikely of course.
Good luck.
PAUL500 said:
She is having the time of her life at the moment, so anything you do to protect your finances and home will be water off a ducks back to her, she wont care.
However once reality does sinks in for her then that is when the amicable part goes out of the window.
She may attempt to get you out of the house and claim to be the sole carer for your children, especially if you have been in the forces, so away previously for long periods of time.
Don't be riled into anything, and document all conversations in writing such as text confirmations of what has been said.
Read up on non molestation orders and associated exclusion orders, its the weapon of choice for divorce lawyers when trying to get dads out of the house, judges hand them out like smarties, often ex parte so you don't even know its happened until the police are knocking on your door telling you have 5 mins to pack and bag and leave or be arrested.
Expect to lose half your pension and 60 to 70% of your assets if she takes that route.
Dads are still very much on the back foot if she forces it through the courts.
Divorce is a two part process, first you need to sort the actual legal separation, only after that is concluded can you deal with the financial side. Any agreements up to that point are not worth the paper they are written on.
Are you planning to let her stay back in the house on her return, you could claim abandonment of the children and take the initiative in that respect to secure your home.
Its going to be a very bumpy ride for at least the next 2 years, but once its out of the way life will return to a form of normality.
There is a long running thread on here that might be worth reading with regards divorce.
In my experience this is how it will go, you need to make sure she can't just walk back in after her jolly and throw you out using the stacked law against you.However once reality does sinks in for her then that is when the amicable part goes out of the window.
She may attempt to get you out of the house and claim to be the sole carer for your children, especially if you have been in the forces, so away previously for long periods of time.
Don't be riled into anything, and document all conversations in writing such as text confirmations of what has been said.
Read up on non molestation orders and associated exclusion orders, its the weapon of choice for divorce lawyers when trying to get dads out of the house, judges hand them out like smarties, often ex parte so you don't even know its happened until the police are knocking on your door telling you have 5 mins to pack and bag and leave or be arrested.
Expect to lose half your pension and 60 to 70% of your assets if she takes that route.
Dads are still very much on the back foot if she forces it through the courts.
Divorce is a two part process, first you need to sort the actual legal separation, only after that is concluded can you deal with the financial side. Any agreements up to that point are not worth the paper they are written on.
Are you planning to let her stay back in the house on her return, you could claim abandonment of the children and take the initiative in that respect to secure your home.
Its going to be a very bumpy ride for at least the next 2 years, but once its out of the way life will return to a form of normality.
There is a long running thread on here that might be worth reading with regards divorce.
I'd be seeking legal advice to see how you can keep her out of the house as she's left the family home and also she's abandoned the kids so I'd see how I could keep those too.
Of course she may come back and say she doesn't feel safe around you in which case you're f
ked evidence or not. Document everything.
You're forces, so 7 Ps. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. Screenshot all the evidence you can find, no matter how much it feels like a kick in the nuts looking at that stuff. Whilst it sounds like she is well and truly in the wrong, look for your faults and any issues that may have exacerbated her behaviour. Not in an exercise of self flagellation, but identify any routes she may go down in the worst case scenario and mitigate for them.
Put the kids at the front of everything you do, they are more important than you or her. The behaviour she's exhibited already suggests they're not a priority to her.
My divorce came through last year after 2 1/2 years of separation. I'm at her house every night to help with our son, we go out at weekends with him and are like best friends. Envisage the setup you want and aim for it.
A pity about the Aston. Get yourself something like a Kia Stinger that sounds crap on paper, but is actually half decent.
Good luck. Look for humour where you can find it. Don't know what rank you are, but talk to your one up and if you feel like a cry, the padre is always a good shout.
You're forces, so 7 Ps. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. Screenshot all the evidence you can find, no matter how much it feels like a kick in the nuts looking at that stuff. Whilst it sounds like she is well and truly in the wrong, look for your faults and any issues that may have exacerbated her behaviour. Not in an exercise of self flagellation, but identify any routes she may go down in the worst case scenario and mitigate for them.
Put the kids at the front of everything you do, they are more important than you or her. The behaviour she's exhibited already suggests they're not a priority to her.
My divorce came through last year after 2 1/2 years of separation. I'm at her house every night to help with our son, we go out at weekends with him and are like best friends. Envisage the setup you want and aim for it.
A pity about the Aston. Get yourself something like a Kia Stinger that sounds crap on paper, but is actually half decent.
Good luck. Look for humour where you can find it. Don't know what rank you are, but talk to your one up and if you feel like a cry, the padre is always a good shout.
Divorced 10 years now, and the single thing i remember was how my (ex)wife changed as soon as she heard from her lawyer re assets/money and strategy in court etc.
Any agreements and mutual discussions to have a quickie divorce, be sensible and get it over and done with, went totally out of the window.
Luckily all their threats were just noise and she didn't even turn up on the day in court to fight anything.
Plan for the worst. Document everything and copy to solicitor. Don't make assumptions as to custody/assets/house etc Don't do anything over the phone, email or letter is best. Stay calm and good luck.
Any agreements and mutual discussions to have a quickie divorce, be sensible and get it over and done with, went totally out of the window.
Luckily all their threats were just noise and she didn't even turn up on the day in court to fight anything.
Plan for the worst. Document everything and copy to solicitor. Don't make assumptions as to custody/assets/house etc Don't do anything over the phone, email or letter is best. Stay calm and good luck.
Have to say you seem to be handling this very well, much better than I did when I was in a similar situation to you.
Your solicitor will explain all this. Good luck and the most important advice is look after yourself, eat and it will all be over one day.
Oh, and advice for the future, don't have sex with any women on dating sites without protection and don't be stupid and get married again.
sly fox said:
Divorced 10 years now, and the single thing i remember was how my (ex)wife changed as soon as she heard from her lawyer re assets/money and strategy in court etc.
Any agreements and mutual discussions to have a quickie divorce, be sensible and get it over and done with, went totally out of the window.
Luckily all their threats were just noise and she didn't even turn up on the day in court to fight anything.
Plan for the worst. Document everything and copy to solicitor. Don't make assumptions as to custody/assets/house etc Don't do anything over the phone, email or letter is best. Stay calm and good luck.
Excellent advice, mine was exactly the same, as soon as she had spoke to the solicitor and saw the £ signs she basically wanted me to walk away with nothing and continue to pay for everything.Any agreements and mutual discussions to have a quickie divorce, be sensible and get it over and done with, went totally out of the window.
Luckily all their threats were just noise and she didn't even turn up on the day in court to fight anything.
Plan for the worst. Document everything and copy to solicitor. Don't make assumptions as to custody/assets/house etc Don't do anything over the phone, email or letter is best. Stay calm and good luck.
GreatGranny said:
And don't change the locks as one poster suggested.
As well as not being legal it will just make things worse and what ever you think about her and what she has done you still need her onside so it doesn't turn into a st show!
Absolutely, definitely don't do that and definitely don't try to hide any money. Unfortunately as soon as her solicitor hears the words "Aston Martin" he is going to play on that and imply that you are clearly loaded if you can afford an "Aston Martin".As well as not being legal it will just make things worse and what ever you think about her and what she has done you still need her onside so it doesn't turn into a s
t show!Your solicitor will explain all this. Good luck and the most important advice is look after yourself, eat and it will all be over one day.
Oh, and advice for the future, don't have sex with any women on dating sites without protection and don't be stupid and get married again.
Edited by anonymous-user on Wednesday 17th November 12:09
Jeb291 said:
Does anyone have any advice for anything I could proactively do to protect myself or support my kids. On and we're both around 50, married 20 years.
I'm separated 4 years. Decree absolute came through last month after 20 years marriage.Only key advice is to never lie to your kids. I would also be as open as possible about stuff and don't think it's best to keep them in the dark.
I ran through all my finances with my kids, so they knew exactly why I was holding out for 45% of our house equity, instead of the 40% she offered. It was all so I could get a house in the same village, so they were near their friends.
If you can make it work, absolutely push for full 50/50 shared parents.
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