Parents moving away
Discussion
I'd suggest they go and visit the area at another time of year - Cumbria is known for being the wettest part of England 
Be grateful they've hung around this long, my father and step-mother along with my in-laws both moved 3 hours away (to Devon and Suffolk) when we were expecting our first.
Be grateful they've hung around this long, my father and step-mother along with my in-laws both moved 3 hours away (to Devon and Suffolk) when we were expecting our first.
Pit Pony said:
LimmerickLad said:
We intend to do exactly the same thing as the OP's mother with one slight exception, not until my 90yr old MIL who lives closeby has passed - but the way she is going I may well pass before she does.
My nan, was living alone in Cleveleys in 1989, aged 79, when my parents decided to move from Formby to Solihull with my dad's promotion. They asked her if she wanted to take a 1/3rd share in the house they needed to buy, so she sold up and moved. Spent the next 12 years making new friends, and a new life, before they decided to move her to the back of beyond in Anglesey. We offered to help her find a retirement flat near us, but she went with them, aged 91.
She made the best of it. Getting a bus to the nearest town, joining all the OAP clubs etc.
Had a massive stroke aged 93, 8 months in a nursing home, then died aged 94.
Puggit said:
I'd suggest they go and visit the area at another time of year - Cumbria is known for being the wettest part of England
Be grateful they've hung around this long, my father and step-mother along with my in-laws both moved 3 hours away (to Devon and Suffolk) when we were expecting our first.
I did say that to them, they visited in the nicest week of the year. I suggested they rented up there for a few months just to check they were happy before making such a huge commitment but that didn't go down too well.Be grateful they've hung around this long, my father and step-mother along with my in-laws both moved 3 hours away (to Devon and Suffolk) when we were expecting our first.
Ultimately its going ahead, which of course they're entitled to do, I just can't believe the rapid pivot in such a short space of time, and their willingness to just leave us behind, but clearly we don't mean as much as I thought we did.
S100HP said:
I did say that to them, they visited in the nicest week of the year. I suggested they rented up there for a few months just to check they were happy before making such a huge commitment but that didn't go down too well.
Ultimately its going ahead, which of course they're entitled to do, I just can't believe the rapid pivot in such a short space of time, and their willingness to just leave us behind, but clearly we don't mean as much as I thought we did.
You sure making such a fuss is not making her dig her heels in?....sorry to sound harsh but it does seem to me that this is more about you and what you want. She may be your mother and a grandmother but she is entitled to live her life as she sees fit however much you don't agree with it.Ultimately its going ahead, which of course they're entitled to do, I just can't believe the rapid pivot in such a short space of time, and their willingness to just leave us behind, but clearly we don't mean as much as I thought we did.
LimmerickLad said:
You sure making such a fuss is not making her dig her heels in?....sorry to sound harsh but it does seem to me that this is more about you and what you want. She may be your mother and a grandmother but she is entitled to live her life as she sees fit however much you don't agree with it.
I don't think I'm "making a fuss" as much as pointing out what they will be missing. Not 4 weeks ago they were incredibly negative about their friends for moving all that way, and they don't have family local, yet here we are a short time later and they're uprooting their whole, very comfortable, lives to move 6hrs away with no support network (bar their friends who could move again in the future), in their mid 60s (one in poor health) to take on a small holding that's going to take a huge amount of work. She thought we go visit every few months etc and spend "quality time" together rather than just popping in whenever for short visits (which we have to keep short and tread on eggshells most of the time anyway). She even said she was going to get a pony so my kids could help with that when we visit.....absolutely bonkers.I'm only seeing the negatives however.
S100HP said:
I don't think I'm "making a fuss" as much as pointing out what they will be missing. Not 4 weeks ago they were incredibly negative about their friends for moving all that way, and they don't have family local, yet here we are a short time later and they're uprooting their whole, very comfortable, lives to move 6hrs away with no support network (bar their friends who could move again in the future), in their mid 60s (one in poor health) to take on a small holding that's going to take a huge amount of work. She thought we go visit every few months etc and spend "quality time" together rather than just popping in whenever for short visits (which we have to keep short and tread on eggshells most of the time anyway). She even said she was going to get a pony so my kids could help with that when we visit.....absolutely bonkers.
I'm only seeing the negatives however.
Fair play for actually admitting you are only seeing the negatives I'm only seeing the negatives however.
(I'm a similar age to you mum and have health issues so our smallholding / animals keeps me active 24/7, stops me sitting around feeling sorry for myself all day and is my therapy).Although your "tread on eggshells" comment may indicate other issues perhaps?
Right I'm off to muck out the stables now so I'll leave you in peace
LimmerickLad said:
Fair play for actually admitting you are only seeing the negatives (I'm a similar age to you mum and have health issues so our smallholding / animals keeps me active 24/7, stops me sitting around feeling sorry for myself all day and is my therapy).
Although your "tread on eggshells" comment may indicate other issues perhaps?
Right I'm off to muck out the stables now so I'll leave you in peace
I'd personally love to do what they're looking to do. Moving somewhere like that with access to that rugged terrain to run/walk/cycle would be my ultimate dream, so I do get that side of it. I really do. As I said at the start I'd happily uproot my family to go to Wales or something. I just think their timing is pretty poor and its a bit of a kneejerk reaction given where they were a short time ago. (I'm a similar age to you mum and have health issues so our smallholding / animals keeps me active 24/7, stops me sitting around feeling sorry for myself all day and is my therapy).Although your "tread on eggshells" comment may indicate other issues perhaps?
Right I'm off to muck out the stables now so I'll leave you in peace
Regarding Stepdad, yes there are deep rooted issues around his behavior to me when I was a kid, and his behaviors towards my kids. He's a very volatile man and very intolerant. It doesn't help that my eldest is a tricky child with autism/aspersers. I wouldn't and couldn't leave either of them with him on his own as I couldn't trust him not to hurt them, nor would my wife allow it. This is why they've never had a sleepover as my mother would have to head out to do the horse leaving them in his company, which she knows she cant. But apparently he was like a different person up there....he's vile to my mother at times too.
Edited by S100HP on Monday 11th September 10:14
S100HP said:
Puggit said:
I'd suggest they go and visit the area at another time of year - Cumbria is known for being the wettest part of England
Be grateful they've hung around this long, my father and step-mother along with my in-laws both moved 3 hours away (to Devon and Suffolk) when we were expecting our first.
I did say that to them, they visited in the nicest week of the year. I suggested they rented up there for a few months just to check they were happy before making such a huge commitment but that didn't go down too well.Be grateful they've hung around this long, my father and step-mother along with my in-laws both moved 3 hours away (to Devon and Suffolk) when we were expecting our first.
Ultimately its going ahead, which of course they're entitled to do, I just can't believe the rapid pivot in such a short space of time, and their willingness to just leave us behind, but clearly we don't mean as much as I thought we did.
We have the opposite issue - my parents live near Penzance whilst we're up in S. Manchester, but they've lived down there since long before we had our son. The breaks we have with them have been amazing, but over time I think they've realised they don't want to be so far away - seeing your grandchild for a week at a time is great, but 4-5mo between seeing them less so. Not only that, but they feel that when it's busy down there in the main holday season they don't really want to go far from the house because it becomes so painful to get around/go out.
A lot of your focus seems to be on how it'll affect their relationship with their grandchildren.
Have you considered whether they place the same importance on that relationship? I'd assume they don't.
You said yourself that they're not the best grandparents, and your step-dad can't be left alone with them either (mental, I'd want him to be far away from me regardless) - Maybe to them it's such a minor consequence it doesn't really factor into their decision.
Have you considered whether they place the same importance on that relationship? I'd assume they don't.
You said yourself that they're not the best grandparents, and your step-dad can't be left alone with them either (mental, I'd want him to be far away from me regardless) - Maybe to them it's such a minor consequence it doesn't really factor into their decision.
Edited by Sycamore on Monday 11th September 10:43
I Know people who've been in this scenario and been happy with their move and far more that haven't so I'd encourage your parents to do it but by renting a place in Cumbria for 12 months to see how they feel about it and then make the move permanent after a proper trial period
Edited by SunsetZed on Monday 11th September 13:52
S100HP said:
I suggested they rented up there for a few months just to check they were happy before making such a huge commitment but that didn't go down too well.
Ultimately its going ahead, which of course they're entitled to do, I just can't believe the rapid pivot in such a short space of time, and their willingness to just leave us behind, but clearly we don't mean as much as I thought we did.
Their relocating is not a sign of how much you mean to them.Ultimately its going ahead, which of course they're entitled to do, I just can't believe the rapid pivot in such a short space of time, and their willingness to just leave us behind, but clearly we don't mean as much as I thought we did.
It's not as if you're a child that they're abandoning. You're an adult. They are adults. They have found something they want, which is quite far away.
If you found your dream job which entailed a move to your dream location in Wales, would you stay where you are because your Mum and Step-Dad got huffy about it and thought you were rushing in to it?
Sycamore said:
A lot of your focus seems to be on how it'll affect their relationship with their grandchildren.
Have you considered whether they place the same importance on that relationship? I'd assume they don't.
You said yourself that they're not the best grandparents, and your step-dad can't be left alone with them either (mental, I'd want him to be far away from me regardless) - Maybe to them it's such a minor consequence it doesn't really factor into their decision.
Its a very fair point, part of me thinks "fHave you considered whether they place the same importance on that relationship? I'd assume they don't.
You said yourself that they're not the best grandparents, and your step-dad can't be left alone with them either (mental, I'd want him to be far away from me regardless) - Maybe to them it's such a minor consequence it doesn't really factor into their decision.
k them", at least I won't have to deal with him anymore, but I know the potential visits will be tricky, which is part of the reason for my reluctance to commit to visiting more.Muzzer79 said:
Their relocating is not a sign of how much you mean to them.
It's not as if you're a child that they're abandoning. You're an adult. They are adults. They have found something they want, which is quite far away.
If you found your dream job which entailed a move to your dream location in Wales, would you stay where you are because your Mum and Step-Dad got huffy about it and thought you were rushing in to it?
I understand that, but I thought my mother enjoyed spending time with the kids, when she managed to fit them into her horse schedule. Personally I'd have a grown up conversation with them about their thoughts, how it would impact their relationship with their grandkids and come up with solutions, and then base my decision on that, rather than doing it the other way around like they have. Maybe I'm the mug. Maybe I should be more selfish?It's not as if you're a child that they're abandoning. You're an adult. They are adults. They have found something they want, which is quite far away.
If you found your dream job which entailed a move to your dream location in Wales, would you stay where you are because your Mum and Step-Dad got huffy about it and thought you were rushing in to it?
S100HP said:
Muzzer79 said:
Their relocating is not a sign of how much you mean to them.
It's not as if you're a child that they're abandoning. You're an adult. They are adults. They have found something they want, which is quite far away.
If you found your dream job which entailed a move to your dream location in Wales, would you stay where you are because your Mum and Step-Dad got huffy about it and thought you were rushing in to it?
I understand that, but I thought my mother enjoyed spending time with the kids, when she managed to fit them into her horse schedule. Personally I'd have a grown up conversation with them about their thoughts, how it would impact their relationship with their grandkids and come up with solutions, and then base my decision on that, rather than doing it the other way around like they have. Maybe I'm the mug. Maybe I should be more selfish?It's not as if you're a child that they're abandoning. You're an adult. They are adults. They have found something they want, which is quite far away.
If you found your dream job which entailed a move to your dream location in Wales, would you stay where you are because your Mum and Step-Dad got huffy about it and thought you were rushing in to it?
Your mother has perhaps been a little blinkered in not considering you or your family at all in this decision, but it seems like she and her husband are those sorts of people - you must know this already?
But, to use our theoretical Wales analogy again, if your Mother said
"No, I don't want you to go, I won't see the grandchildren enough"
Would you turn down your (theoretical) dream job and dream location to stay close to her? I think not.
The more I read this thread, the more I think you're against this idea because it's not what you would do, rather than against it because it's not right for your parents.
I grew up in the North East and my parents (as well as all of my extended family) will live and die in the town they grew up in which for the most part is a bit of a sthole with very little going on - most of the lads I grew up with either work offshore in the oil industry or work away Monday - Friday.
I moved away aged 21 to see a bit of the country, have moved around a little bit and settled in the Midlands where all three of my children were born (eldest 16, youngest 5).
Both of my parents lucked out and retired on full pensions in their early 50's so have a very comfortable standard of living and a lot of time on their hands. That said, whilst it's only a three hour drive, they come down to visit us maybe once or twice a year and always stay for one night only, leaving early the following morning.
My sister on the other hand still lives 5 minutes away and they see her children daily, two of which are under three and my sister has zero childcare costs as my parents / her partners parents have the two little ones every day as well as weekend etc.
I'd be lying if I said my wife & I aren't hurt by the fact my parents have no interest in spending more time with their grandchildren - the once or twice a year they do come down they view it as taking a break from my sister and her kids meaning my wife ends up running around after them as well as our kids & we never get a break.
Despite all of the above I constantly remind my wife that we chose this life and we've done pretty well for ourselves - we could sell up and move back up North and buy a similar property for a lot less money & have all of that support around us so I hold no resentment to them but my missus just can't see it this way and has a lot of hostility towards them
Playing devil's advocate, they could argue I was selfish for moving away from them and depriving them of seeing their grandchildren grow up (plus who will be there to help them out when they are old and frail).
Ultimately I think you owe it to yourself to be happy.
thole with very little going on - most of the lads I grew up with either work offshore in the oil industry or work away Monday - Friday.I moved away aged 21 to see a bit of the country, have moved around a little bit and settled in the Midlands where all three of my children were born (eldest 16, youngest 5).
Both of my parents lucked out and retired on full pensions in their early 50's so have a very comfortable standard of living and a lot of time on their hands. That said, whilst it's only a three hour drive, they come down to visit us maybe once or twice a year and always stay for one night only, leaving early the following morning.
My sister on the other hand still lives 5 minutes away and they see her children daily, two of which are under three and my sister has zero childcare costs as my parents / her partners parents have the two little ones every day as well as weekend etc.
I'd be lying if I said my wife & I aren't hurt by the fact my parents have no interest in spending more time with their grandchildren - the once or twice a year they do come down they view it as taking a break from my sister and her kids meaning my wife ends up running around after them as well as our kids & we never get a break.
Despite all of the above I constantly remind my wife that we chose this life and we've done pretty well for ourselves - we could sell up and move back up North and buy a similar property for a lot less money & have all of that support around us so I hold no resentment to them but my missus just can't see it this way and has a lot of hostility towards them
Playing devil's advocate, they could argue I was selfish for moving away from them and depriving them of seeing their grandchildren grow up (plus who will be there to help them out when they are old and frail).
Ultimately I think you owe it to yourself to be happy.
SunsetZed said:
I now people who've been in this scenario and been happy with their move and far more that haven't so I'd encourage your parents to do it but by renting a place in Cumbria for 12 months to see how they feel about it and then make the move permanent after a proper trial period
This is sound advice. I've got a retired friend in similar circumstances who moved from Hampshire to the North Devon coast on his retirement, leaving their mid-20s kids behind, so to speak (kids living with partners etc).
He and his wife loved it at first, but it only took a couple of years for them to realise that whilst summer was great they were completely isolated from family and friends for about 2/3 of the year, the locals weren't particularly welcoming and medical services as they get older are far more difficult to access than in SE England.
They are now trying to move back, but of course property prices where they sold up have gone up considerably more than in Devon, so they are having to look at properties that are smaller than the one they left, and in all honesty are finding it very difficult to find a buyer at all.
So your step dad isn't a particularly nice person, as a child your mum cared more about the horses than you and you're complaining that they're moving six hours away?
I can see why you're pissed off tbh, I'd want people like that to move even further away to somewhere like Australia or perhaps Mars...
I can see why you're pissed off tbh, I'd want people like that to move even further away to somewhere like Australia or perhaps Mars...
I am probably not that much younger than your parents and I think one of the things that happens as you get older is you start to realise that life is short and the you will probably only have a limited number of years left to do the things that you want to do, so why put it off? If they didn't do it now would they regret it in ten years time.
As others have said if you had an incredible opportunity, but it meant moving away, would their feelings be enough to make you turn it down? If when your kids grow up one of them was offered a dream job in Australia would you insist they turned it down? Or would you support them to do what they feel is right for them?
I moved away when both my parents were both quite elderly, but it was something I felt I had to do and would have regretted if I hadn't. I did consider their feelings, but that wouldn't have been enough to stop me.
As others have said if you had an incredible opportunity, but it meant moving away, would their feelings be enough to make you turn it down? If when your kids grow up one of them was offered a dream job in Australia would you insist they turned it down? Or would you support them to do what they feel is right for them?
I moved away when both my parents were both quite elderly, but it was something I felt I had to do and would have regretted if I hadn't. I did consider their feelings, but that wouldn't have been enough to stop me.
To give the OP the other side . .
I am 64 in January and retiring in 3 weeks. I have a daughter who lives 2 miles away (late 30s, single with 2 cats she treats as children, 4 bed house) and a son who lives 100 miles away (slightly younger of the two, wife and 1 1/3 children, 4 bed house).
Wife and I are moving much closer to son and wife (moving in with) as we want to see more of the grandchildren, they need help with childcare so they can both work and it will be cheaper for all of us. Our house is SSTC and theirs is on the market and we are looking for something bigger.
Daughter is pissed off, not because we are moving but because she isn't included but she lives close to her work, is messy and wouldn't give up the cats - none of the rest of us would live in the same house as her. Wife keeps saying we shouldn't move because we are upsetting daughter. I am pissed of with daughter because us moving will have little impact on her as (1) she only calls us when she wants something doing (I don't recall the last time she rang us), (2) she rarely visits us, (3) I will still travel up to do odd jobs for her.
My attitude is that it is time for us to do what we want and the children should be more accommodating and learn to get on with their own lives.
Wish your parents well and support them in the move.
I am 64 in January and retiring in 3 weeks. I have a daughter who lives 2 miles away (late 30s, single with 2 cats she treats as children, 4 bed house) and a son who lives 100 miles away (slightly younger of the two, wife and 1 1/3 children, 4 bed house).
Wife and I are moving much closer to son and wife (moving in with) as we want to see more of the grandchildren, they need help with childcare so they can both work and it will be cheaper for all of us. Our house is SSTC and theirs is on the market and we are looking for something bigger.
Daughter is pissed off, not because we are moving but because she isn't included but she lives close to her work, is messy and wouldn't give up the cats - none of the rest of us would live in the same house as her. Wife keeps saying we shouldn't move because we are upsetting daughter. I am pissed of with daughter because us moving will have little impact on her as (1) she only calls us when she wants something doing (I don't recall the last time she rang us), (2) she rarely visits us, (3) I will still travel up to do odd jobs for her.
My attitude is that it is time for us to do what we want and the children should be more accommodating and learn to get on with their own lives.
Wish your parents well and support them in the move.
OP - you’ve been open here and have received a variety of feedback. Fair play for continuing to seek opinions and to explain where you’re coming from.
Being honest - and this is meant with kindness - but your relationship with your mother and stepfather from your childhood until now does not sound that healthy.
I don’t think you can - or should be expected to - fix that relationship or make your mother and stepfather into the sort of people you would like them to have been all along. You can only play your part in it. Trying to do any more than that is going to turn you inside out more than you already have been. Don’t feel guilty about this.
They are not going to be the grandparents you hope they might be. They won’t be the same as your in-laws. That’s ok. Kids often grow up closer to one set of grandparents. It happened to me. It’s happening to my daughter - I’ve given up trying to come up with all the solutions; their choices, their consequences.
You’ve said your bit to your mother. Now let her get on with her life. If she sees less of your kids (and she will, inevitably) then so be it.
And - more importantly than anything - you, your wife and your children need to get on with your life together.
PS Kirby Stephen is like a one horse town that’s lost its horse. You won’t be missing anything by not visiting..!
Being honest - and this is meant with kindness - but your relationship with your mother and stepfather from your childhood until now does not sound that healthy.
I don’t think you can - or should be expected to - fix that relationship or make your mother and stepfather into the sort of people you would like them to have been all along. You can only play your part in it. Trying to do any more than that is going to turn you inside out more than you already have been. Don’t feel guilty about this.
They are not going to be the grandparents you hope they might be. They won’t be the same as your in-laws. That’s ok. Kids often grow up closer to one set of grandparents. It happened to me. It’s happening to my daughter - I’ve given up trying to come up with all the solutions; their choices, their consequences.
You’ve said your bit to your mother. Now let her get on with her life. If she sees less of your kids (and she will, inevitably) then so be it.
And - more importantly than anything - you, your wife and your children need to get on with your life together.
PS Kirby Stephen is like a one horse town that’s lost its horse. You won’t be missing anything by not visiting..!
Edited by OMITN on Monday 11th September 13:14
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