Parents moving away

[sunnygym]

My best friend of over 28 years moved from local to Cornwall. Honestly it’s been the best, we stay with them 2/3 times a year for long weekends up to a week and pack in so many fun things. It’s an 5 hour drive but well worth it. Instead of the negatives concentrate on the positives it could bring you and your family.

[S100HP]

thepeoplespal said:

Sounds like your mum might want to be getting away for the responsibility of looking after your gran. As for your stepfather he sounds like he will need to be near a damn good hospital and living in Cumbria may mean trips to Manchester or Liverpool if things get complicated.

If something happens to them and it will, there is no way you are going to be able to help them with anything and your mum may have to give up her beloved horses sooner than if she stays put, if she ends up with multi hour trips to Cumbria everyday.

Cumbria can be miserable with all the rain it gets compared to the South Coast, certainly a lot less opportunity to ride in good conditions.

Some good points here. I think I'm going to have to have a proper talk with them at some point. I think their minds are made up but if I say nothing and pretend all is well then I'll regret that. As I've said several times, I do see the pros, and this thread has helped to some degree, but I feel I need to be honest too. These points will be useful when I say my bit.

emperorburger said:

OP, you have my sympathies. However I think you are probably far more sentimental and attuned to the importance of close family (both emotionally and geographically) than your mother is capable of comprehending.

I guess because my wife is so family focused I see the other side. My side of the family are not a close family really, but maybe that is because we were relatively close geographically, kind of taken it for granted they'd always be local I guess, which is why this is such a shock.

LimmerickLad said:

Isn't this the real key for them?

"The scenery is incredible, its quieter, you get more for your money (not that they need more, as they're not doing it to downsize or release capital)"

The may not want equity release but simply by moving will they not automatically be releasing capital anyway? Something that may not neccessarily be the case if the only moved a couple of hours away. i.e. the Cotswolds.

Spare tyre said:

I’d be miffed for selfish reasons

Presumably you might start having to look after then in the near future, lot harder from a far

Do they need to free up some cash, south coast prices are strong, so presumably might work nicely for them

Money is certainly not the driver in this. They'd sell their house and are looking for something for a similar value up there. They will not be downsizing although they will get a bigger house with land rather than a bigger house down here. They still have hundreds of ks in the bank which they could use to top up the purchase if they wanted, but are very comfortable.

I think I'm going to have to be a bit brutal just to set the expectations around visiting and future help as they age, as in there will be none given the distance.

[Spare tyre]

Could be handy to send the kids there for 2-3 weeks in summer hols

[S100HP]

Spare tyre said:

Could be handy to send the kids there for 2-3 weeks in summer hols

That could never happen unfortunately.

[Welcome.]

S100HP said:

Money is certainly not the driver in this. They'd sell their house and are looking for something for a similar value up there. They will not be downsizing although they will get a bigger house with land rather than a bigger house down here. They still have hundreds of ks in the bank which they could use to top up the purchase if they wanted, but are very comfortable.

I think I'm going to have to be a bit brutal just to set the expectations around visiting and future help as they age, as in there will be none given the distance.

Cutting them off isn't going to help is it? Maybe they don't want your help in the future as they have 'hundreds of ks' in the bank and can afford private nursing?

[S100HP]

Welcome. said:

Cutting them off isn't going to help is it? Maybe they don't want your help in the future as they have 'hundreds of ks' in the bank and can afford private nursing?

Maybe you're right, but it feels like a fairly lonely existence as they get older, rather than us all being able to pop in, help out, take them out, hospital visits etc etc. Who knows, maybe that is what they want.

[Smint]

Quality of life, everyone no matter their age should do what is best, or they hope is best.

I encouraged son and his wife to shift to Oz when the big promotion chance came, yes of course it means we'll see the grandkids maybe only a tiny handful of times for the rest of our lives if at all, but what the hell is that in comparison to the superb quality of life they now have, space to breathe and space to breathe for the grandkids.
Britain, already overful and heading rapidly into a questionable future, or space sun and endless beaches, the choice was obvious, what right did i/we have to put any hold on what was (and proved to be) an opportunity that needed grabbing with all hands.

[Muzzer79]

S100HP said:

Welcome. said:

Cutting them off isn't going to help is it? Maybe they don't want your help in the future as they have 'hundreds of ks' in the bank and can afford private nursing?

Maybe you're right, but it feels like a fairly lonely existence as they get older, rather than us all being able to pop in, help out, take them out, hospital visits etc etc. Who knows, maybe that is what they want.

You have said that they’re in their early 60s.

If they’re anything like my parents, they’re not thinking about not being able to cope, needing support, etc.

62 isn’t old now. Maybe they are thinking to move now for a few years, then return.

[RDMcG]

As George Burns once observed -Happiness is a arak and loving family in a city far,far away.

Maybe they are Burns fans?

[MickC]

S100HP said:

I think I'm going to have to be a bit brutal just to set the expectations around visiting and future help as they age, as in there will be none given the distance.

For me that's the crux, if they can live independently and want to, then they can move where they like. But once that changes, they will have to deal with it and not expect you/other family that live miles away to be able to help out. And that works when there are 2 of them, when theres only one left, its not so easy.

I would also say that it sounds like your mum thinks you will still be around to help out your nan if/when she needs it. Or doesn't care/hasn't thought about that situation. THAT is extremely selfish if so and would be the biggest issue for me.

[Countdown]

Interesting post OP, it made me remember how fortunate we were when my kids were growing up and also how things have changed with the next generation.

My family is 1st/2nd generation immigrants. In my parents generation the "extended family" is everything. Partly because of this we all still live fairly close together (that's 5 kids all in separate houses within a range of 100m). The benefits of this were (and are) great; when the grandkids were growing up my dad usually did the school run, they would also babysit (they considered it a pleasure the poor misguided fools) and any family occasions are almost always at my dad's house.

Sadly with the next generation there isn't the same connection. One of my kids has moved to London, my nephews and nieces are also moving away. I fear we won't be able to support them in the way my parents supported us. It's a cultural change. They grumble when we insist they go to their grandparents house, or to videocall them once a week.

I'm rambling. the short version is that Grandparents have the right to live their own lives. if their need to bond with children/grandchildren isn't there then that's life. Children/Grandchildren don't have a Right to the grandparents time/affection/money. You cant make people prioritise you/your kids over holidays/horseriding/bungee jumping if that's what they want to do.

[Jag_NE]

I’d see this as an opportunity. Purchase an MX5 and you can drive at 9 tenths for 12 hours once a month.

[Mojooo]

Moving away from her elderly mum is a bit off

Is your mum going to move back down south when she needs help in x years?

[paulrockliffe]

I grew up in the lakes, the weather is better than people are making out.

But where are they going to ride horses? It's all lakes and mountains and tourists, it's not horse country and there's not much to ride compared with the rest of the country.

[Gigamoons]

James_33 said:

Can i be honest?

You sound like you are making this all about you and what you want as opposed to what maybe she wants?

I’m going to agree.
As the parent of young adult children I’ve dedicated over quarter of a century to them - where we lived, where I worked, what we did in our spare time.

They’re your kids, not your parents’ kids - it’s your turn to now figure it all out now and build the life you want.
Being a parent is a fairly defined thing.
But being a grandparent isn’t.
Some think ‘let’s be one big extended family and live close by’
Others think ‘that chapter was great, but now onto the next’.

[andyeds1234]

Your parents absolutely have the right to choose their own life, but you also have the right, to indoctrinate your kids to call your wife’s parents “the lovely Grandparents” and your parents, “the miserable Grandparents”

[Pit Pony]

LimmerickLad said:

We intend to do exactly the same thing as the OP's mother with one slight exception, not until my 90yr old MIL who lives closeby has passed - but the way she is going I may well pass before she does.

My nan, was living alone in Cleveleys in 1989, aged 79, when my parents decided to move from Formby to Solihull with my dad's promotion.
They asked her if she wanted to take a 1/3rd share in the house they needed to buy, so she sold up and moved. Spent the next 12 years making new friends, and a new life, before they decided to move her to the back of beyond in Anglesey. We offered to help her find a retirement flat near us, but she went with them, aged 91.
She made the best of it. Getting a bus to the nearest town, joining all the OAP clubs etc.
Had a massive stroke aged 93, 8 months in a nursing home, then died aged 94.

[dontlookdown]

Mojooo said:

Moving away from her elderly mum is a bit off

Is your mum going to move back down south when she needs help in x years?

This. Good chance she'll be looking at you when the heavy lifting has to be done. Not really on in my book.

Às far as seeing the grandkids goes, it's a shame your ma doesn't seem to value the relationship that much, but that's how it goes. I would be sad about that too if I were the OP. But there's not much you can do about it.

[Spare tyre]

How old is your name, without sounding mean, she can’t have long left

[S100HP]

paulrockliffe said:

I grew up in the lakes, the weather is better than people are making out.

But where are they going to ride horses? It's all lakes and mountains and tourists, it's not horse country and there's not much to ride compared with the rest of the country.

They stayed near Kirkby Stephens and apparently the riding was incredible. From what she said you can just ride out onto the Fells, which I totally understand the desire to do that.

Spare tyre said:

How old is your name, without sounding mean, she can’t have long left

87 now, 88 in May. Will probably be blind in the next 18 months.

dontlookdown said:

Mojooo said:

Moving away from her elderly mum is a bit off

Is your mum going to move back down south when she needs help in x years?

This. Good chance she'll be looking at you when the heavy lifting has to be done. Not really on in my book.

Às far as seeing the grandkids goes, it's a shame your ma doesn't seem to value the relationship that much, but that's how it goes. I would be sad about that too if I were the OP. But there's not much you can do about it.

She's putting my Nan into a tricky situation, and its seeming likely that she'll have to move with her, which I dont think she wants, but she seems to have little option as she needs my mothers support. The issue is that takes her 6hrs away from us too, and her Son and his wife. I've arranged to give him a call later to discuss this to see if there are alternatives.

A robust conversation was had yesterday with my mother. She thought I was very pro her moving as I'd sent her a property or two when she initially said about it and I was very clear about the lack of visits we'd have. She said its only 5hrs up the road (its closer to 6) and how we cant stay with them due to the way my stepdad is etc, how they'd be on their own should they become ill etc but she was fairly flippant about that (I'll drive him to the hospital and if we're both ill we'll share a taxi) so she seems fairly set about this. Suffice to say our relationship is strained currently....