Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)
Discussion
captain_cynic said:
Mammasaid said:
mikeswagon said:
GeneralBanter said:
There’s been a major accident our local ice cream van has overturned. The road is now coned off until lunchtime.
Police found the driver covered in hundreds and thousands, leading to speculation he topped himself.GloverMart said:
A zoo had two gnus. A male gnu and a female gnu.
It soon became apparent that the female gnu was in a condition that indicated that there would soon be the patter of tiny hooves. Eventually a beautiful baby gnu was born and entranced everyone as it took its first wobbly steps around the enclosure.
One day it became apparent that the young gnu was not at all well and, despite every effort and treatment from the vet the little gnu died. The female gnu was - understandably - distraught and moped and mooched around in a depressive state wasting away until she died.
This greatly affected the male gnu who now began to look very dejected and assumed the attitude of a depressed gnu. Once again, for the third time the zoo staff could only look on in horror as the male gnu died.
Well, that's the end of the gnus now here's the weather......
There was an awful lot of heavy lifting before we got to the payoff! Although somehow 'gnu' is always funny It soon became apparent that the female gnu was in a condition that indicated that there would soon be the patter of tiny hooves. Eventually a beautiful baby gnu was born and entranced everyone as it took its first wobbly steps around the enclosure.
One day it became apparent that the young gnu was not at all well and, despite every effort and treatment from the vet the little gnu died. The female gnu was - understandably - distraught and moped and mooched around in a depressive state wasting away until she died.
This greatly affected the male gnu who now began to look very dejected and assumed the attitude of a depressed gnu. Once again, for the third time the zoo staff could only look on in horror as the male gnu died.
Well, that's the end of the gnus now here's the weather......
Two Aussies were out hunting in the outback and came upon a huge hole in the ground.
They approached it and were amazed at its size and depth.
The first said “Wow, that’s some hole, I can’t even see the bottom, I wonder how deep it is”
The second said “There’s an old gear box over there, let’s throw it in and see how long it takes to hit bottom”
Despite it being very heavy, they picked up the gear box, carried it over to the hole, counted one, two, three, and heaved it in.
As they were standing there looking over the edge of the hole, a goat came crashing through the underbrush, ran up to the hole and without hesitation, jumped in head first.
They were so mystified by this that they stood staring at each other in amazement and peered into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about.
Just then an old farmer sauntered up “Say you fellers, didn’t happen to see my goat?”
The first said “Funny you should ask, we were just standing here a minute ago, and a goat came running out of the bushes doing about a hundred miles an hour and jumped head first into this here hole”,
The old farmer said “Naw, that’s impossible, I had him chained to an old gear box”
They approached it and were amazed at its size and depth.
The first said “Wow, that’s some hole, I can’t even see the bottom, I wonder how deep it is”
The second said “There’s an old gear box over there, let’s throw it in and see how long it takes to hit bottom”
Despite it being very heavy, they picked up the gear box, carried it over to the hole, counted one, two, three, and heaved it in.
As they were standing there looking over the edge of the hole, a goat came crashing through the underbrush, ran up to the hole and without hesitation, jumped in head first.
They were so mystified by this that they stood staring at each other in amazement and peered into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about.
Just then an old farmer sauntered up “Say you fellers, didn’t happen to see my goat?”
The first said “Funny you should ask, we were just standing here a minute ago, and a goat came running out of the bushes doing about a hundred miles an hour and jumped head first into this here hole”,
The old farmer said “Naw, that’s impossible, I had him chained to an old gear box”
Vipers said:
Two Aussies were out hunting in the outback and came upon a huge hole in the ground.
They approached it and were amazed at its size and depth.
The first said “Wow, that’s some hole, I can’t even see the bottom, I wonder how deep it is”
The second said “There’s an old gear box over there, let’s throw it in and see how long it takes to hit bottom”
Despite it being very heavy, they picked up the gear box, carried it over to the hole, counted one, two, three, and heaved it in.
As they were standing there looking over the edge of the hole, a goat came crashing through the underbrush, ran up to the hole and without hesitation, jumped in head first.
They were so mystified by this that they stood staring at each other in amazement and peered into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about.
Just then an old farmer sauntered up “Say you fellers, didn’t happen to see my goat?”
The first said “Funny you should ask, we were just standing here a minute ago, and a goat came running out of the bushes doing about a hundred miles an hour and jumped head first into this here hole”,
The old farmer said “Naw, that’s impossible, I had him chained to an old gear box”
I read that years ago as a true story - Billy Connolly or similar in an interview recounting a stagger back from the pub and throwing a huge rock down a mine shaft and a sheep followed straight after. They approached it and were amazed at its size and depth.
The first said “Wow, that’s some hole, I can’t even see the bottom, I wonder how deep it is”
The second said “There’s an old gear box over there, let’s throw it in and see how long it takes to hit bottom”
Despite it being very heavy, they picked up the gear box, carried it over to the hole, counted one, two, three, and heaved it in.
As they were standing there looking over the edge of the hole, a goat came crashing through the underbrush, ran up to the hole and without hesitation, jumped in head first.
They were so mystified by this that they stood staring at each other in amazement and peered into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about.
Just then an old farmer sauntered up “Say you fellers, didn’t happen to see my goat?”
The first said “Funny you should ask, we were just standing here a minute ago, and a goat came running out of the bushes doing about a hundred miles an hour and jumped head first into this here hole”,
The old farmer said “Naw, that’s impossible, I had him chained to an old gear box”
Vipers said:
Two Aussies were out hunting in the outback and came upon a huge hole in the ground.
They approached it and were amazed at its size and depth.
The old farmer said “Naw, that’s impossible, I had him chained to an old gear box”
1991 the film "Hear My Song". Adrian Dunbar & James Nesbitt hole in the ground and it's a cow not a sheep.They approached it and were amazed at its size and depth.
The old farmer said “Naw, that’s impossible, I had him chained to an old gear box”
GeneralBanter said:
I read that years ago as a true story - Billy Connolly or similar in an interview recounting a stagger back from the pub and throwing a huge rock down a mine shaft and a sheep followed straight after.
I recall it being read out on Simon Mayo's "Confessions" back when he was on Radio 1, I think it took place on the top of the Great Orme in that telling.droopsnoot said:
GeneralBanter said:
I read that years ago as a true story - Billy Connolly or similar in an interview recounting a stagger back from the pub and throwing a huge rock down a mine shaft and a sheep followed straight after.
I recall it being read out on Simon Mayo's "Confessions" back when he was on Radio 1, I think it took place on the top of the Great Orme in that telling.Someone figured out how long that piece of rope was and used to stand about 20 ft beyond it and agitate the goat, it would come charging toward him, only being stopped when the rope went taught.
Some of his pals watching this decided on a cunning plot, whilst one fed the goat, the others moved the stake about 30 ft nearer to where the first guy used to stand and agitate the goat.
Next time he did it, story goes, the goat was about 3 ft away at full charge when he realised it wasn’t going to stop.
I do hope this was true
Vipers said:
True story. (Or so I am told). On a training course at what was Horsea Island, some of the land was used by a farmer, he had a goat which had a long piece of rope attached to its collar.
Someone figured out how long that piece of rope was and used to stand about 20 ft beyond it and agitate the goat, it would come charging toward him, only being stopped when the rope went taught.
Some of his pals watching this decided on a cunning plot, whilst one fed the goat, the others moved the stake about 30 ft nearer to where the first guy used to stand and agitate the goat.
Next time he did it, story goes, the goat was about 3 ft away at full charge when he realised it wasn’t going to stop.
I do hope this was true
I find it difficult to believe (that any matelots are capable of such an intellectual prank - knowing the difference between 20 feet and 30 feet) Someone figured out how long that piece of rope was and used to stand about 20 ft beyond it and agitate the goat, it would come charging toward him, only being stopped when the rope went taught.
Some of his pals watching this decided on a cunning plot, whilst one fed the goat, the others moved the stake about 30 ft nearer to where the first guy used to stand and agitate the goat.
Next time he did it, story goes, the goat was about 3 ft away at full charge when he realised it wasn’t going to stop.
I do hope this was true
Rayny said:
I find it difficult to believe (that any matelots are capable of such an intellectual prank - knowing the difference between 20 feet and 30 feet)
Ha!, you are thinking about booties Anyway, policeman sees a woman knitting whilst she is driving.
He gets her attention and shouts out “Pullover “.
She shouts back, “No, it’s a scarf”.
night night, sleep tight campers.Monkeylegend said:
GeneralBanter said:
And in today’s traffic news, a speeding elephant did a ton on the A406.
Police are urging motorists to treat it as a roundabout.
They have also set up a diversion route onto the adjacent trunk road.Police are urging motorists to treat it as a roundabout.
Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff