Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)
Discussion
An oldie. But for the newer members perhaps.
Two old guys decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.
The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, "go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk; I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference.'
The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.
As they are walking home the first man says, you know, I think my girl was dead!"
"Dead?" says his friend, "why do you say that?"---
"Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her..'
His friend says, "could be worse, I think mine was a witch."
"A witch??. . Why would you say that?"
"Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window... Took my teeth with her!"
Two old guys decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.
The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, "go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk; I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference.'
The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.
As they are walking home the first man says, you know, I think my girl was dead!"
"Dead?" says his friend, "why do you say that?"---
"Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her..'
His friend says, "could be worse, I think mine was a witch."
"A witch??. . Why would you say that?"
"Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window... Took my teeth with her!"
Reminds me of a very old joke:
Woman that had many lovers was getting married and want hubby to think she was a virgin.
Friend tells her to put elastic band inside and when it snaps tell him it was your virginity going.
Wedding night in full flow, all going well when there was a big snapping sound
WTF was that? her husband shrieked.
Don't worry darling just my virginity going......she replies.
Well go and f..ing get it back as it's just taken my balls out of the window.
Woman that had many lovers was getting married and want hubby to think she was a virgin.
Friend tells her to put elastic band inside and when it snaps tell him it was your virginity going.
Wedding night in full flow, all going well when there was a big snapping sound
WTF was that? her husband shrieked.
Don't worry darling just my virginity going......she replies.
Well go and f..ing get it back as it's just taken my balls out of the window.
LimmerickLad said:
Reminds me of a very old joke:
Woman that had many lovers was getting married and want hubby to think she was a virgin.
Friend tells her to put elastic band inside and when it snaps tell him it was your virginity going.
Wedding night in full flow, all going well when there was a big snapping sound
WTF was that? her husband shrieked.
Don't worry darling just my virginity going......she replies.
Well go and f..ing get it back as it's just taken my balls out of the window.
Woman that had many lovers was getting married and want hubby to think she was a virgin.
Friend tells her to put elastic band inside and when it snaps tell him it was your virginity going.
Wedding night in full flow, all going well when there was a big snapping sound
WTF was that? her husband shrieked.
Don't worry darling just my virginity going......she replies.
Well go and f..ing get it back as it's just taken my balls out of the window.
Rayny said:
Another one from the previous milenium - A few church notices :
1. Weight Watchers will meet at 7.pm at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
2. The 1991 Spring council retreat will be Hell May 10 and 11.
3. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
4. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some of the older ones.
5. Mrs Johnson will be entering hospital this week for testes.
6. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
7. Please join us as we show our support for Amay and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
8. Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
9. The Lutheran Mens Group will meet at 6pm Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
10. The associate minister unveiled the churchs' new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: " I upped my pledge - Up yours".
11. Don't let worry kill you. Let the church help.
12. Thursday night - potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
13. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
14. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
15. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the Birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
16. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church, children will be baptized at both ends.
17. Tuesday at 4pm there will be and ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
18. Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing " Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.
19. Thursday at 5pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.
20. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
21. The service will close with " Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in.
22. Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
23. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
24. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music wil follow.
Aww cute, my nan is on ph 1. Weight Watchers will meet at 7.pm at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
2. The 1991 Spring council retreat will be Hell May 10 and 11.
3. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
4. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some of the older ones.
5. Mrs Johnson will be entering hospital this week for testes.
6. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
7. Please join us as we show our support for Amay and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
8. Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
9. The Lutheran Mens Group will meet at 6pm Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
10. The associate minister unveiled the churchs' new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: " I upped my pledge - Up yours".
11. Don't let worry kill you. Let the church help.
12. Thursday night - potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
13. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
14. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
15. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the Birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
16. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church, children will be baptized at both ends.
17. Tuesday at 4pm there will be and ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
18. Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing " Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.
19. Thursday at 5pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.
20. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
21. The service will close with " Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in.
22. Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
23. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
24. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music wil follow.
mikeswagon said:
GeneralBanter said:
There’s been a major accident our local ice cream van has overturned. The road is now coned off until lunchtime.
Police found the driver covered in hundreds and thousands, leading to speculation he topped himself.GeneralBanter said:
Panty liners.
Worst cruise I’ve ever been on.
How long a period did you go?Worst cruise I’ve ever been on.
I imagine you would have seen some right dicks!!
You must have felt a bit of a t
t booking it.They really were taking the piss.
Bloody awful though - sounds like a trip to the arse end of nowhere!!!
To help not get caught out next time I suggest you make sure both holes are covered.
mikeswagon said:
GeneralBanter said:
There’s been a major accident our local ice cream van has overturned. The road is now coned off until lunchtime.
Police found the driver covered in hundreds and thousands, leading to speculation he topped himself.A zoo had two gnus. A male gnu and a female gnu.
It soon became apparent that the female gnu was in a condition that indicated that there would soon be the patter of tiny hooves. Eventually a beautiful baby gnu was born and entranced everyone as it took its first wobbly steps around the enclosure.
One day it became apparent that the young gnu was not at all well and, despite every effort and treatment from the vet the little gnu died. The female gnu was - understandably - distraught and moped and mooched around in a depressive state wasting away until she died.
This greatly affected the male gnu who now began to look very dejected and assumed the attitude of a depressed gnu. Once again, for the third time the zoo staff could only look on in horror as the male gnu died.
Well, that's the end of the gnus now here's the weather......
It soon became apparent that the female gnu was in a condition that indicated that there would soon be the patter of tiny hooves. Eventually a beautiful baby gnu was born and entranced everyone as it took its first wobbly steps around the enclosure.
One day it became apparent that the young gnu was not at all well and, despite every effort and treatment from the vet the little gnu died. The female gnu was - understandably - distraught and moped and mooched around in a depressive state wasting away until she died.
This greatly affected the male gnu who now began to look very dejected and assumed the attitude of a depressed gnu. Once again, for the third time the zoo staff could only look on in horror as the male gnu died.
Well, that's the end of the gnus now here's the weather......
Mammasaid said:
mikeswagon said:
GeneralBanter said:
There’s been a major accident our local ice cream van has overturned. The road is now coned off until lunchtime.
Police found the driver covered in hundreds and thousands, leading to speculation he topped himself.Pistom said:
GeneralBanter said:
Panty liners.
Worst cruise I’ve ever been on.
How long a period did you go?Worst cruise I’ve ever been on.
I imagine you would have seen some right dicks!!
You must have felt a bit of a t
t booking it.They really were taking the piss.
Bloody awful though - sounds like a trip to the arse end of nowhere!!!
To help not get caught out next time I suggest you make sure both holes are covered.
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