Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)
Discussion
There I was, sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it" he says menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late for a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me.
So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all - -I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing!
But enough about me, how's your day going"?
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it" he says menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late for a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me.
So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all - -I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing!
But enough about me, how's your day going"?
tvrolet said:
dukeboy749r said:
My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.
The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell my wife that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
My wife went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
My wife said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
My wife replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week.
The late great Barry Humphries on the Parkinson show. It’s probably on youtube somewhere. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell my wife that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
My wife went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
My wife said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
My wife replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6FwWmLQB61k&ab...
dukeboy749r said:
My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.
The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell my wife that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
My wife went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
My wife said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
My wife replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week.
The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell my wife that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
My wife went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
My wife said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
My wife replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week.
Ultra Sound Guy said:
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger...In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days. "Before I kill you, I grant you three requests. What is your FIRST request?'
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the Horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse. But I will still kill you in two days."
"What is your SECOND request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.
She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your LAST request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse...alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,
"Listen Very Carefully!!!
"FOR...THE...LAST...TIME..."
"BRING POSSE, NOT PUSSY!"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the Horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse. But I will still kill you in two days."
"What is your SECOND request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.
She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your LAST request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse...alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,
"Listen Very Carefully!!!
"FOR...THE...LAST...TIME..."
"BRING POSSE, NOT PUSSY!"
My aunt was recently in the hospital, suffering from a combination of leprosy, hepatitis, and asian bird flu.
I asked, “what are you feeding her?”
They said, “Fried eggs, pizza and pancakes.”
I asked, “Are these good for her condition?”
They said, “No idea but it’s all we can fit under the door.”
I asked, “what are you feeding her?”
They said, “Fried eggs, pizza and pancakes.”
I asked, “Are these good for her condition?”
They said, “No idea but it’s all we can fit under the door.”
New years resolution - stop putting stuff of for ages
--
Anyone know where I can get a 6 foot letter "A", a 6 foot letter "S" and a 6 foot letter "K" ? I know its a big ask.
--
In some circumstances a human fart can be louder than a trombone. That was an awkward moment at the school concert.
--
Anyone know where I can get a 6 foot letter "A", a 6 foot letter "S" and a 6 foot letter "K" ? I know its a big ask.
--
In some circumstances a human fart can be louder than a trombone. That was an awkward moment at the school concert.
Voldemort said:
My aunt was recently in the hospital, suffering from a combination of leprosy, hepatitis, and asian bird flu.
I asked, “what are you feeding her?”
They said, “Fried eggs, pizza and pancakes.”
I asked, “Are these good for her condition?”
They said, “No idea but it’s all we can fit under the door.”
I asked, “what are you feeding her?”
They said, “Fried eggs, pizza and pancakes.”
I asked, “Are these good for her condition?”
They said, “No idea but it’s all we can fit under the door.”
A DUCK (definitely not a rabbit) walks into a bar, and says to the bar man "have you got any bread?"
"No" says the barman, and the DUCK leaves.
Next day, the DUCK walks in and asks the same question.
"I've already told you, no" says the barman.
Next day, DUCK asks for bread again.
"No!" says the barman, "this is a bar, we don't sell bread"
Next day, DUCK walks up to the bar, and the barman says "If you ask me for bread, I'm gonna nail your bill to the bar."
The DUCK runs off.
Next day the DUCK walks in and says to the barman "Have you got any nails"
"No!" says the barman, so the DUCK says "Have you got any bread?"
edited for spelling lol
"No" says the barman, and the DUCK leaves.
Next day, the DUCK walks in and asks the same question.
"I've already told you, no" says the barman.
Next day, DUCK asks for bread again.
"No!" says the barman, "this is a bar, we don't sell bread"
Next day, DUCK walks up to the bar, and the barman says "If you ask me for bread, I'm gonna nail your bill to the bar."
The DUCK runs off.
Next day the DUCK walks in and says to the barman "Have you got any nails"
"No!" says the barman, so the DUCK says "Have you got any bread?"
edited for spelling lol
Edited by Super Sonic on Sunday 16th June 19:26
Super Sonic said:
A rabbit walks into a bar, and says to the bar man "have you got any bread?"
"No" says the barman, and the rabbit leaves.
Next day, the rabbit walks in and asks the same question.
"I've already told you, no" says the barman.
Next day, rabbit asks for bread again.
"No!" says the barman, "this is a bar, we don't sell bread"
Next day, rabbit walks up to the bar, and the barman says "If you ask me for bread, I'm gonna nail your bill to the bar."
The duck runs off.
Next day the duck walks in and says to the barman "Have you got any nails"
"No!" says the barman, so the duck says "Have you got any bread?"
Barman says "Bloody hell, that rabbit just turned into a duck right before my eyes.""No" says the barman, and the rabbit leaves.
Next day, the rabbit walks in and asks the same question.
"I've already told you, no" says the barman.
Next day, rabbit asks for bread again.
"No!" says the barman, "this is a bar, we don't sell bread"
Next day, rabbit walks up to the bar, and the barman says "If you ask me for bread, I'm gonna nail your bill to the bar."
The duck runs off.
Next day the duck walks in and says to the barman "Have you got any nails"
"No!" says the barman, so the duck says "Have you got any bread?"
Super Sonic said:
A rabbit walks into a bar, and says to the bar man "have you got any bread?"
"No" says the barman, and the rabbit leaves.
Next day, the rabbit walks in and asks the same question.
"I've already told you, no" says the barman.
Next day, rabbit asks for bread again.
"No!" says the barman, "this is a bar, we don't sell bread"
Next day, rabbit walks up to the bar, and the barman says "If you ask me for bread, I'm gonna nail your bill to the bar."
The duck runs off.
Next day the duck walks in and says to the barman "Have you got any nails"
"No!" says the barman, so the duck says "Have you got any bread?"
"No" says the barman, and the rabbit leaves.
Next day, the rabbit walks in and asks the same question.
"I've already told you, no" says the barman.
Next day, rabbit asks for bread again.
"No!" says the barman, "this is a bar, we don't sell bread"
Next day, rabbit walks up to the bar, and the barman says "If you ask me for bread, I'm gonna nail your bill to the bar."
The duck runs off.
Next day the duck walks in and says to the barman "Have you got any nails"
"No!" says the barman, so the duck says "Have you got any bread?"
Talking of which...
...I was planning a picnic this afternoon but the sky was looking very grey and overcast. So I asked Siri, "surely it's not going to rain today?"
She replied, "Unfortunately yes it is, but don't call me Shirley"
That's when I realised I had left my phone in Airplane mode.
...I was planning a picnic this afternoon but the sky was looking very grey and overcast. So I asked Siri, "surely it's not going to rain today?"
She replied, "Unfortunately yes it is, but don't call me Shirley"
That's when I realised I had left my phone in Airplane mode.
Cold said:
Talking of which...
...I was planning a picnic this afternoon but the sky was looking very grey and overcast. So I asked Siri, "surely it's not going to rain today?"
She replied, "Unfortunately yes it is, but don't call me Shirley"
That's when I realised I had left my phone in Airplane mode.
But we won't talk about that right now....I was planning a picnic this afternoon but the sky was looking very grey and overcast. So I asked Siri, "surely it's not going to rain today?"
She replied, "Unfortunately yes it is, but don't call me Shirley"
That's when I realised I had left my phone in Airplane mode.
Yesterday I bought myself some sensible walking boots and a little rucksack and went up to the lake district.
I walked for about 5 miles stopped and sat on a stone wall and had a coffee.
Then I walked another 5 miles and had another coffee, a sandwich and a biscuit and then I... sorry, I'm rambling.
I walked for about 5 miles stopped and sat on a stone wall and had a coffee.
Then I walked another 5 miles and had another coffee, a sandwich and a biscuit and then I... sorry, I'm rambling.
Master Of Puppets said:
Yesterday I bought myself some sensible walking boots and a little rucksack and went up to the lake district.
I walked for about 5 miles stopped and sat on a stone wall and had a coffee.
Then I walked another 5 miles and had another coffee, a sandwich and a biscuit and then I... sorry, I'm rambling.
I walked for about 5 miles stopped and sat on a stone wall and had a coffee.
Then I walked another 5 miles and had another coffee, a sandwich and a biscuit and then I... sorry, I'm rambling.
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