Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)
Discussion
Rayny said:
Some old anagrams - Looking at the names, you should be able to tell how old this list is:
Tony Blair PM - I'm tory plan B
Virginia Bottomley - I'm an evil Tory bigot
Michael Heseltine - Elect him, he's alien
David Mellor - Dildo marvel
The Houses of Parliament - Loonies far up the Thames
Francois Mitterand - Mad strain of cretin
Performance related pay - Mere end of year claptrap
David Ginola - Vagina dildo
Teddy Sheringham - Teddy Minge rash
Dame Agatha Christie - I am a right death case
The Open University - Intrusive Neophyte
The Metropolitan Police Force - I'm fellatio, the erect porno cop
Acorn Computers - Crap to consumer
Benson and Hedges - NHS been a godsend
Eastenders - needs a rest
Eldorado - Real dodo
Selina Scott - Elastic snot
Peter Ustinov - Eruptive snot
Actors - scrota
Robert DeNiro - error on bidet
Rita Hayworth - Hot hairy wart
Sir Alec Guinness - Clearing sinuses
Mel Gibson - big melons
Arnold Schwarzenegger - He's grown large 'n' crazed
Kylie Minogue - I like 'em young
Gloria Estefan - large fat noise
Chris Rea - rich arse
Marti Pellow - Ill tapeworm
Madonna, the material girl - Real dim man-eating harlot
Ossie Ardiles - Arse is soiled
Diego Maradona - O dear, I'm a gonad
Martina Navratilova - Variant rival to a man
Gabriela Sabatini - Insatiable airbag
Irritable Bowel Syndrome - O my terrible drains below
Boddingtons, the cream of Manchester - Boddington's stomach ache fermenter
Stella Artois, reassuringly expensive - Pint 'o' lager virtually erases sexiness
An Intel Pentium Processor - Customer nipple not arisen
Pentium Processor - Computerises porn
Motorway Service Station - I eat coronary vomit stews
Some of those are brilliant, and still relevant.Tony Blair PM - I'm tory plan B
Virginia Bottomley - I'm an evil Tory bigot
Michael Heseltine - Elect him, he's alien
David Mellor - Dildo marvel
The Houses of Parliament - Loonies far up the Thames
Francois Mitterand - Mad strain of cretin
Performance related pay - Mere end of year claptrap
David Ginola - Vagina dildo
Teddy Sheringham - Teddy Minge rash
Dame Agatha Christie - I am a right death case
The Open University - Intrusive Neophyte
The Metropolitan Police Force - I'm fellatio, the erect porno cop
Acorn Computers - Crap to consumer
Benson and Hedges - NHS been a godsend
Eastenders - needs a rest
Eldorado - Real dodo
Selina Scott - Elastic snot
Peter Ustinov - Eruptive snot
Actors - scrota
Robert DeNiro - error on bidet
Rita Hayworth - Hot hairy wart
Sir Alec Guinness - Clearing sinuses
Mel Gibson - big melons
Arnold Schwarzenegger - He's grown large 'n' crazed
Kylie Minogue - I like 'em young
Gloria Estefan - large fat noise
Chris Rea - rich arse
Marti Pellow - Ill tapeworm
Madonna, the material girl - Real dim man-eating harlot
Ossie Ardiles - Arse is soiled
Diego Maradona - O dear, I'm a gonad
Martina Navratilova - Variant rival to a man
Gabriela Sabatini - Insatiable airbag
Irritable Bowel Syndrome - O my terrible drains below
Boddingtons, the cream of Manchester - Boddington's stomach ache fermenter
Stella Artois, reassuringly expensive - Pint 'o' lager virtually erases sexiness
An Intel Pentium Processor - Customer nipple not arisen
Pentium Processor - Computerises porn
Motorway Service Station - I eat coronary vomit stews
Found this on another forum:
Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band = Crap LP sung by the LSD-prone Beatles
A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"
She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."
Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.
"Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.
“And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus
She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."
Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.
"Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.
“And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus
Colonel in Chief (C inC) is inspecting the tank regiment. Next a gleaming tank is a smartly dressed soldier proud to be a tank driver.
The C in C noticed a small puddle of oil under the tank and looking at the soldier whilst pointing to the puddle of oil says “Soldier, where did that oil come from?”
The soldier says “Texas, Sir”.
The C in C noticed a small puddle of oil under the tank and looking at the soldier whilst pointing to the puddle of oil says “Soldier, where did that oil come from?”
The soldier says “Texas, Sir”.
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