Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)
Discussion
GeneralBanter said:
(In Bronx accent):
Three New York tarts are discussing their men…
Ma man’s name is Big Dick, because it’s so large…
Ma man’s name is Long Willie, because it’s so long…
Ma mans name is Draaaaam-bewey…
Eh?
Ain’t that some fancy French liquor ????
‘That’s ma man !’
Drambuie is Scottish BTW. Allegedly from a recipe gifted by Charles Edward Stuart aka Bonnie Prince Charlie. Three New York tarts are discussing their men…
Ma man’s name is Big Dick, because it’s so large…
Ma man’s name is Long Willie, because it’s so long…
Ma mans name is Draaaaam-bewey…
Eh?
Ain’t that some fancy French liquor ????
‘That’s ma man !’
No kittens have been harmed..
GeneralBanter said:
Bloke gets kicked out onto the balcony on his wedding night after saying his wife took her top off and he said she had massive boobs. He’s having a fag on the balcony at 4am and a guy comes crashing through the plate glass door of the next apartment. What’s up he says? The guy says it’s his wedding night and his wife undressed and he commented on the size of her arse so she booted him out.
Just then a third chap comes flying through a window on the next balcony….
The first two say ‘I suppose you put your foot in it too then?’
He says ‘no, but I could have done’
Excellent Just then a third chap comes flying through a window on the next balcony….
The first two say ‘I suppose you put your foot in it too then?’
He says ‘no, but I could have done’
tvrolet said:
GeneralBanter said:
(In Bronx accent):
Three New York tarts are discussing their men…
Ma man’s name is Big Dick, because it’s so large…
Ma man’s name is Long Willie, because it’s so long…
Ma mans name is Draaaaam-bewey…
Eh?
Ain’t that some fancy French liquor ????
‘That’s ma man !’
Drambuie is Scottish BTW. Allegedly from a recipe gifted by Charles Edward Stuart aka Bonnie Prince Charlie. Three New York tarts are discussing their men…
Ma man’s name is Big Dick, because it’s so large…
Ma man’s name is Long Willie, because it’s so long…
Ma mans name is Draaaaam-bewey…
Eh?
Ain’t that some fancy French liquor ????
‘That’s ma man !’
No kittens have been harmed..
Keith, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye. "What happened to you?" asked his wife." I had a terrible day.", replied Keith. “I had to go to
a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep.
When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection.
Anyway, I went up and, sure enough, there was this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection. So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half".
"I see" said his wife, "that must have been awful, but how did you get the black eye?"
Keith replied "wrong room"
a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep.
When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection.
Anyway, I went up and, sure enough, there was this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection. So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half".
"I see" said his wife, "that must have been awful, but how did you get the black eye?"
Keith replied "wrong room"
So this couple are touring Sconny Botland in a VW Campervan.
Out on their travels, the husband starts feeling randy but his new bride tells him there's no room in the van to perform nuptials as it's full of their gear.
So the husband says to his wife they could get under the van, after they'd pulled into a layby and they did just that.
However, his wife asks her husband what would happen if the law turned up? He simpluy told her to leave it up to him.
Sure enough, just as they are really getting up to their tricks, the next thing they both hear is a voice saying,"Oche aye, what's happening here, then?"
To which the husband quick as a flash responds, "Not to worry officer, I'm just fixing the clutch"!
"Aye well," says the officer, "if I was you Jimmy, I'd get my handbrake fixed too, as your van is 200 yards away at the bottom of the hill".
Out on their travels, the husband starts feeling randy but his new bride tells him there's no room in the van to perform nuptials as it's full of their gear.
So the husband says to his wife they could get under the van, after they'd pulled into a layby and they did just that.
However, his wife asks her husband what would happen if the law turned up? He simpluy told her to leave it up to him.
Sure enough, just as they are really getting up to their tricks, the next thing they both hear is a voice saying,"Oche aye, what's happening here, then?"
To which the husband quick as a flash responds, "Not to worry officer, I'm just fixing the clutch"!
"Aye well," says the officer, "if I was you Jimmy, I'd get my handbrake fixed too, as your van is 200 yards away at the bottom of the hill".
Some old anagrams - Looking at the names, you should be able to tell how old this list is:
Tony Blair PM - I'm tory plan B
Virginia Bottomley - I'm an evil Tory bigot
Michael Heseltine - Elect him, he's alien
David Mellor - Dildo marvel
The Houses of Parliament - Loonies far up the Thames
Francois Mitterand - Mad strain of cretin
Performance related pay - Mere end of year claptrap
David Ginola - Vagina dildo
Teddy Sheringham - Teddy Minge rash
Dame Agatha Christie - I am a right death case
The Open University - Intrusive Neophyte
The Metropolitan Police Force - I'm fellatio, the erect porno cop
Acorn Computers - Crap to consumer
Benson and Hedges - NHS been a godsend
Eastenders - needs a rest
Eldorado - Real dodo
Selina Scott - Elastic snot
Peter Ustinov - Eruptive snot
Actors - scrota
Robert DeNiro - error on bidet
Rita Hayworth - Hot hairy wart
Sir Alec Guinness - Clearing sinuses
Mel Gibson - big melons
Arnold Schwarzenegger - He's grown large 'n' crazed
Kylie Minogue - I like 'em young
Gloria Estefan - large fat noise
Chris Rea - rich arse
Marti Pellow - Ill tapeworm
Madonna, the material girl - Real dim man-eating harlot
Ossie Ardiles - Arse is soiled
Diego Maradona - O dear, I'm a gonad
Martina Navratilova - Variant rival to a man
Gabriela Sabatini - Insatiable airbag
Irritable Bowel Syndrome - O my terrible drains below
Boddingtons, the cream of Manchester - Boddington's stomach ache fermenter
Stella Artois, reassuringly expensive - Pint 'o' lager virtually erases sexiness
An Intel Pentium Processor - Customer nipple not arisen
Pentium Processor - Computerises porn
Motorway Service Station - I eat coronary vomit stews
Tony Blair PM - I'm tory plan B
Virginia Bottomley - I'm an evil Tory bigot
Michael Heseltine - Elect him, he's alien
David Mellor - Dildo marvel
The Houses of Parliament - Loonies far up the Thames
Francois Mitterand - Mad strain of cretin
Performance related pay - Mere end of year claptrap
David Ginola - Vagina dildo
Teddy Sheringham - Teddy Minge rash
Dame Agatha Christie - I am a right death case
The Open University - Intrusive Neophyte
The Metropolitan Police Force - I'm fellatio, the erect porno cop
Acorn Computers - Crap to consumer
Benson and Hedges - NHS been a godsend
Eastenders - needs a rest
Eldorado - Real dodo
Selina Scott - Elastic snot
Peter Ustinov - Eruptive snot
Actors - scrota
Robert DeNiro - error on bidet
Rita Hayworth - Hot hairy wart
Sir Alec Guinness - Clearing sinuses
Mel Gibson - big melons
Arnold Schwarzenegger - He's grown large 'n' crazed
Kylie Minogue - I like 'em young
Gloria Estefan - large fat noise
Chris Rea - rich arse
Marti Pellow - Ill tapeworm
Madonna, the material girl - Real dim man-eating harlot
Ossie Ardiles - Arse is soiled
Diego Maradona - O dear, I'm a gonad
Martina Navratilova - Variant rival to a man
Gabriela Sabatini - Insatiable airbag
Irritable Bowel Syndrome - O my terrible drains below
Boddingtons, the cream of Manchester - Boddington's stomach ache fermenter
Stella Artois, reassuringly expensive - Pint 'o' lager virtually erases sexiness
An Intel Pentium Processor - Customer nipple not arisen
Pentium Processor - Computerises porn
Motorway Service Station - I eat coronary vomit stews
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, French scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the French: in the weeks that followed, American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet before finding traces of copper wire. Shortly afterwards, they published an article in the New York Times saying : "American archaeologists, having found traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the French."
A few weeks later, ‘The British Archaeological Society of Northern England’ reported the following: "After digging down to a depth of 33 feet in the Skipton area of North Yorkshire in 2011, Charlie Hardcastle, a self-taught amateur archaeologist, reported that he had found absolutely f&*% all.
Charlie has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."
Not to be outdone by the French: in the weeks that followed, American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet before finding traces of copper wire. Shortly afterwards, they published an article in the New York Times saying : "American archaeologists, having found traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the French."
A few weeks later, ‘The British Archaeological Society of Northern England’ reported the following: "After digging down to a depth of 33 feet in the Skipton area of North Yorkshire in 2011, Charlie Hardcastle, a self-taught amateur archaeologist, reported that he had found absolutely f&*% all.
Charlie has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."
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