Calling the Sexperts

[Mobsta]

Davi said:

minimatt1967 said:

Every time I see this thread come up I'm sure it says 'Calling the Sexpests'

regardless of what letters are in the title that's exactly what it really says...

Too true

Can we change the title?

[Mobsta]

Road Pest said:

how about me?

You dont need your title changed.
As you were, son!

Right, Im lashed up. To the the top masts chaps!
She has to be at work in just over 5 hours.
Its rather early in the morning, she says she cant sleep and she has called a post midnight meeting!!

Johnny to the ready! At worst this shoudl be a Bravo Jeromiah air strike!
I dont know whether I'll be able to pefrorm, but if I do it'll be epic! All over the windscreen, or her hairdo, we have a parking engagement!

I dont have a packet of custard powder, so Im taking a pot of bisto gravey, the choice of professionals worldwide, and a camera phone of course.

I cant invite her back to mine, as my heating and hot water are up the spout. See other thread In which no one suggested I simply find and replace the Universal Flange Widgit Adaptor which doesnt seem to exist I'l be living in gypo conditions until next Tuesday at least.

Oh yes.
I dont have a bed either.
I probably DO sound like a hobo, but I swear Im not. So I cant bring her back to mine. And the neighbours have moved out, so if I did bring her back to my place, we could make dying animal noises together all night, there would be no loss of face.

I conspire to use the lack of central heating to get back to hers, but I promise on gods good goat heards, this woman is harder to pull than a shoe on a string. Our last date involved getting escorted off the premises by bouncers then the bib. I should go. My eyes are closing in all around me and I cant see

[Mobsta]

V6 said:

What is happening? We need an update!

There isn't much happening. We've had a few dates now but haven't consummated the relationship yet. Last week I took her and her friend, currently holidaying here from Latvia, out for a chinese. On the way home we passed a strip club, so seizing the moment I ushered them both inside. Cue odd looks from the pair of them when they were given the "Strictly NO phones allowed!" speech inside the door.

The drinks came with free shooters which they didnt want. Twenty minutes and two rounds of drinks later (roughly 8 of which I consumed) I realised Id be needing more money, so I staggered as fast as I could towards the nearest taxi rank and flew home to grab some more cash. Cue Thunderous looks from her upon my arrival, for making her feel like a lesbian left alone with another girl watching naked girls for half an hour. I thought all eastern European women were bisexual.

I ended up at the same club again on saturday with some other friends, and after paying for numerous drinks and dances I was finally asked to leave after around the same time I lost my ability to walk. I have a vague memory of relieving myself at the back of the establishment (urinating not masturbating) whereupon the back door opened, and who should poke his head out but the manager. His lips were moving, I may have laughed, but I don't remember what either of us said and imagine I wont be allowed back, which is a shame as its a nice club.

Whilst she was getting petrol on friday, I ran into Tesco and grabbed some alcohol and, thinking I was especially clever, a sachet of custard powder too, which I presume I lost in her car. I dont remember much more, but woke up fully clothed in her bed on Saturday. She had to work a half day which gave me time to sleep and sober up before starting drinking again in earnest. We had lunch together, saw a castle, lay on the beach, did some more drinking. I dont really remember saying goodbye to her but woke up saturday night hungover again, this time at my place... with a groin full of splinters in my jeans! Still not sure how that happened.

I did manage to get laid though, despite leaving a female friend of mine (who has a boyfriend) outside a pub, "Wait here, just popping in to take a leak" whilst I ran inside, did the business, then had a quick pint inside by myself before coming back out to her. I got a well deserved bking for that!

Im not so sure if Im seeing the Latvian again, but shes definitely not a brass or a tranny. The fact that I kept calling her by another girls name wont help. I find this happens more the older you get On the upside, my new bed has just arrived and tomorrow my status will be elevated above that of Gypo I hope, when hot water and heating return after the boiler is fixed, just in time for a date with another new girl on Wednesday or Thursday.

Edited by Mobsta on Monday 23 March 11:47

[Mobsta]

PD9 said:

IanMorewood said:

Oh and Mobster don’t take this the wrong way but you do sound like you perhaps have a small drink related problem.

I was about to add him as a friend too, Then I read his update - Your a letdown boy!

Guilty as charged.
Drinking fuels more drinking, and I do, surprisingly, prefer to remain sober for that reason.

[Mobsta]

cqueen said:

Your life sounds awsome!

Be nice, or I'm telling my psychiatrist on you!

[Mobsta]

cqueen said:

Mobsta said:

cqueen said:

Your life sounds awsome!

Be nice, or I'm telling my psychiatrist on you!

I wasn't joking...

More silly than awesome.
Like wearing a strap-on glass eye.
Although that would be pretty awesome.

NDA said:

Mobsta said:

I dont really remember saying goodbye to her but woke up saturday night hungover again, this time at my place... with a groin full of splinters in my jeans! Still not sure how that happened.

Are you sure you weren't bummed by a carpenter? How would you know?

A good point, but last I checked my bum was round the back

It may be that Latvians shave weekly & starch daily.

[Mobsta]

NDA said:

Mobsta said:

NDA said:

Mobsta said:

I dont really remember saying goodbye to her but woke up saturday night hungover again, this time at my place... with a groin full of splinters in my jeans! Still not sure how that happened.

Are you sure you weren't bummed by a carpenter? How would you know?

A good point, but last I checked my bum was round the back

It may be that Latvians shave weekly & starch daily.

I was imagining you were bent over a work-bench leading to the splinters at the front......

Oh, never mind, lost the moment!

Sorry! I just imagined a giant tyrannosaurus type gay greek trojan Flintstones Esq pedal-powered carpentry horse type thing which was covered in splinters chasing me across town. Im not very imaginative.