Calling the Sexperts

[Mobsta]

Catz said:

Mobsta said:

A crusty sock?

Oooo no!
Reminds me of teenage boys.

[Mobsta]

Steve Evil said:

Have you called her yet?

I do my calling after sundown

PD9 said:

I had a note left on my windscreen last year "your 'cute' gimme a call: 077.. Michelle x" I did, turned out it was a girl - 8/10 who worked in the offices downstairs. Took her out and eventually got my end away!

Good lad!

If this bird is of the devil-fornicating variety, what do you reckon my chances of de-panting her without shelling out?

Im usually up for a challenge

[Mobsta]

brum said:

Come on fella - i'll wager it's genuine.
A few years ago whilst sat alone in a cafe I had the most stunning girl ask if she could join me. She was absolutely incredible looking, she flirted outrageously for 15 minutes, wrote her number in lipstick on a napkin and kissed me on the cheek as she left.

I was so overcome I phoned my wife to brag about it.

At least you werent called lonely

[Mobsta]

Yoshiwaan said:

The sun's almost down!

Not 'at' sundown, I said after
Im not THAT lonely. Still working, will ring her later.
I'll gladly share whatever filth she has on offer afterwards.

[Mobsta]

John et all said:

the suspence is killing me

I really wouldn't hold your breath lads. Its hardly blockbuster material, but I do have a cunning plan. Which admittedly is only a plan. And born of the male mind, ergo inherently flawed. But mine is rather cunning, albeit overly optimistic.

Livid said:

Teppic said:

BungalowBill said:

This has all the makings of one of those threads that trails off with no resolution until everyone forgets about it.

EFA

I have just read 6 pages to get no where! I would of thought she would be with 'clients' in the evening, so she will not answer the call.

Indeed.

Rang at 8:30, phone went to voicemail.
I can sense her bedsprings sproinging.

If you were on the game, would you switch off, or deploy the no-vibrate silent mode.

Anyhooo, if she is a brass flute, a top score might be getting a lay, FOC.
But an even better score would be to get her to agree to play a kinky game, in which she paid me to shag her

I put on my best "Im not lonely, quite normal, and I will have sex with you" voice, left my number and said Id be around for a chat tonight.

I FULLY expect to disappoint everyone.
Will just have to see how things pan out. Although Im sure they wont.
Im up for it though.

[Mobsta]

Well fellas, Of the 350 votes, only 1% presumed her innocence.
Must admit, I voted blasphemous-devil-fornicator myself.

She called back, and I was all set to peel back her mask Scooby Doo ending style, and reveal Old Man Smithers from the Carnival Ride, playing the Phantom Message DoppleShagger Villan. But it didnt happen like that.

Ergo, I have what is presumably bad news - she's just a regular gal.
Foreign and forward enough to leave a note like that.
So she's got a date for next week sometime.

Shame on me, for thinking like that.
And shame on the neighbours, for setting her up with me

As you were.

[Mobsta]

PD9 said:

I was the only one to vote - regular girl! Get in! Well done fella

Well done Sir We are a cynical lot sometimes aren't we!

Steve Evil said:

Mobsta said:

Well fellas, Of the 350 votes, only 1% presumed her innocence.
Must admit, I voted blasphemous-devil-fornicator myself.

She called back, and I was all set to peel back her mask Scooby Doo ending style, and reveal Old Man Smithers from the Carnival Ride, playing the Phantom Message DoppleShagger Villan. But it didnt happen like that.

Ergo, I have what is presumably bad news - she's just a regular gal.
Foreign and forward enough to leave a note like that.
So she's got a date for next week sometime.

Shame on me, for thinking like that.
And shame on the neighbours, for setting her up with me

As you were.

Hurrah! Nuts deep in foreign guts by next week.

Hurrah indeed!

But she was talking about meeting up one afternoon
And wasnt as confident sounding as I remembered. So I'm not holding my breath for an afternoon post-coffee bonking.

A sober date might work better though. Last weeks date was an absolute stunner, a drop dead gorgeous posh Surrey girl. Possibly the prettiest girl Ive ever dated, and out of my league I felt.

I had her laughing constantly all night, a terrific sign, and confidently strolled her into the cordoned off lush table area at a private party, then later challenged the guest list guy Ferris Bueller style, by getting up to visually steal a party name from his checklist. I felt like the man! So we began drinking strong cocktails together in earnest. One accidentally smashed glass later, things starting going downhill.

It was several winebars further into town, after I realised I was wearing my napkin on my head, that I suggested we go explore the local bomb shelter, which we did. Later I could hardly stand, and remember feeling like a 4-armed washing line spinning around in a gale, trying to dance on the stage of the club we ended up in, which is where I think I lost my leather jacket, as well as her after the room just lost its focus and visual clarity of its own accord.

Still hideously drunk the following morning, I evolved a joke Id received from another girl via text, into a message which stated that she would be very happy with me long term, because I was the only man alive who had a chocolate penis which ejaculated puppies, new shoes and money on demand.

I haven't heard from her since, which was absolutely gutting, as Id been trying to that date up for months.

[Mobsta]

lawrence567 said:

How do you know she's not a hooker?
Did you ask her directly if she was a hooker/escort?

If you did'nt then how would you know?

Absolutely positively 100% normal. A tad shy at first, said she couldnt believe she had left the note either. There is no question in my mind.

[Mobsta]

evenflow said:

£10 she'll have moved both of her 6'4" skinhead brothers into your flat within the month.

Then I'll have the ceilings lowered
She's from Latvia, speaks like a female russian bond villan.

[Mobsta]

evenflow said:

Mobsta said:

evenflow said:

£10 she'll have moved both of her 6'4" skinhead brothers into your flat within the month.

Then I'll have the ceilings lowered
She's from Latvia, speaks like a female russian bond villan.

This is my sister, she number one prostitute in all Latvia. Niiiiice.

High Fives!

[Mobsta]

PD9 said:

Mobsta said:

She's from Latvia, speaks like a female russian bond villan.

Does she look like this?

Honestly dont remember what she looked like.
But am quite sure she didn't look like that, or Id have been paying more attention!

[Mobsta]

JonRB said:

Mobsta said:

Still hideously drunk the following morning, I evolved a joke Id received from another girl via text, into a message which stated that she would be very happy with me long term, because I was the only man alive who had a chocolate penis which ejaculated puppies, new shoes and money on demand.

I haven't heard from her since, which was absolutely gutting, as Id been trying to set that date up for months.

Epic fail.

The cringe factor gained weight painfully, as the number of days without hearing from her increased.
Plonker!

[Mobsta]

moleamol said:

brum said:

minimatt1967 said:

moleamol said:

Mobsta said:

PD9 said:

I was the only one to vote - regular girl! Get in! Well done fella

Well done Sir We are a cynical lot sometimes aren't we!

We are indeed. Pictures or it didn't happen.

Custard test perhaps?

all over her waps

She's foreign so I reckon in her eye.

Keep it clean and unlocked, we might eventually get to the evidence.

[Mobsta]

JonRB said:

Mobsta said:

Keep it clean and unlocked, we might eventually get to the evidence.

Just what I was thinking

Quite.

Here it is. Couldnt fairly blame anyone for suspecting her...

And I don't own a writing pad, which proves its genuine

Edited by Mobsta on Friday 27th February 18:28

[Mobsta]

moleamol said:

Curious use of quotation marks.

Very.
Maybe she was thinking in third person to sidestep risk of rejection

[Mobsta]

PD9 said:

Hows it going Mobsta?

Not bad thanks, but there really isn't much to tell. And she's definitely not on the game.

Date (last night) went well, her pupils were dilated from the start and she had under wraps what appeared to be an absolutely cracking pair of heaving great norksters which I hope to properly introduce myself to this month if things go well.

Whilst playing around with the security camera TV outside, I asked some other girl whether she wanted to watch toilet cam with me. I got an instant no, but quickly convinced both of them the TV genuinely featured "toilet cam" which was hidden in the ladies cubicle and turned on for the lads by the bouncers when no girls were about, permissible I explained, as the bar had a Dutch Porn License Top marks there because I especially love gullibility in a woman!

We ate our napkins and shot spitballs at the punters a level below us, so I was genuinely quite proud of my ability to encourage her, doubly so, as she is 40(!) does seem to be a proper lady, but is receptive to learning about life in England which Im now teaching her as she doesnt know very many people. She proudly told me she had given given mouth to mouth resuscitation to a rabbit in a competition of sorts. Rabbit turned out to be Rubber, she meant manikin. Had to explain lots of things. I told her she sounded like a bond villain and that my mates thought she was a prostitute, she took it very well indeed.

After she successfully defended my attack in a game of noughts and crosses (and getting her to believe that a boomerang shaped line joining 4 crosses was considered a win in England) I got her to do some writing, which slanted backwards slightly and was quite different, whereupon she happily confessed she didn't write the note in the first place, my neighbour did!

If I can sneak in another girl who is coming over this weekend without the neighbours seeing her (and telling the Latvian) I'll hopefully be able to see her again. I just have to get her to accept an invitation to come round to mine to watch the True Life Documentary feature film "Borat" with me...

[Mobsta]

moleamol said:

Mobsta said:

Date (last night) went well, her pupils were dilated from the start

So she's on drugs then?

Pupil dilation denotes arousal, I thought...

[Mobsta]

RUSSELLM said:

The dilated pupils are telling me that she's had to have a 'liven-er' prior to your first date...Which isn't a great start

A what what?

[Mobsta]

ZR1cliff said:

Mobsta said:

moleamol said:

Mobsta said:

Date (last night) went well, her pupils were dilated from the start

So she's on drugs then?

Pupil dilation denotes arousal, I thought...

Then why didn't you 'get in there' instead of spitting wet tissue around the place. That along with a fiat Panda in your fantasy garage and I'm feeling let down so gawd knows what she must feel like.

Oi!
Plenty of time

[Mobsta]

ZR1cliff said:

Mobsta said:

ZR1cliff said:

Mobsta said:

moleamol said:

Mobsta said:

Date (last night) went well, her pupils were dilated from the start

So she's on drugs then?

Pupil dilation denotes arousal, I thought...

Then why didn't you 'get in there' instead of spitting wet tissue around the place. That along with a fiat Panda in your fantasy garage and I'm feeling let down so gawd knows what she must feel like.

Oi!
Plenty of time

No,No - she's 40 and she knows the score, she wants you and what a woman wants is what a woman should get. before she you

Have you never heard of - So many wimin not enough time.

Without boring you lot with the details, this one is probably best not hurried, which is equally boring I know