Parents moving away
Discussion
It's been some months since I last updated this, as there had been no real news until recently, so thought it only fair to continue the thread.
The last 6 months have been fairly strained being honest. The relationship we had before this has totally gone. The last time I went around to my mum and stepdads house was September when this all started. My kids have not been there either. Apart for a very brief passing when my Nan moved flat in December I've not seen my stepdad at all. I've seen my mother a handful of times, a couple of dog walks with the kids and I looked after their dog last week whilst they were away, and she popped round for a quick visit on mine and my eldest birthdays, but that's it really.
As mentioned above my Nan has moved flat to one a few miles closer to me and is happy as it means she can walk to more stuff locally rather than getting the bus.
The house my mother wanted up in Cumbria was removed from the market as the people decided against moving, so they were in a weird limbo of wanting to move but nothing falling into place...until last week it seems. She picked her dog up on Saturday evening when returning from holiday, and then sent a message on Sunday saying they had agreed a sale and found another house in Cumbria to purchase and that the chain was all in place and progressing. She clearly knew when getting the dog but decided against saying anything at the time.
Assuming all goes well with their chain I assume they'll be off in a few months, and I'm still fairly angry about it all to be honest. I've not replied to the message as there is nothing much to say positive from my end, and I doubt she'll want my honest opinion about wanting to play horses and get pissed with her mate rather than have anything to do with her grandkids. I'll go back and re-read this thread in a moment as I recall opinions on both sides of the fence and I think that will be good for perspective.
She did say "please don't be disappointed in us for wanting this adventure". As I have mentioned before I can see why they might want to do it, but I can't help but feel really angry about the whole thing too. She will have almost zero relationship with her grandkids, as visiting and staying isn't really going to be an option due to the distance and the breakdown of the relationship, and she is leaving her elderly mother at this stage of her life which I think is pretty poor.
I don't know what I expect to happen next. I cant, and don't want to, stop them going if that's what they really want it just feels really quite pathetic on her part, and feels like they want nothing to do with us which is obviously quite hurtful. They've not even spoken with my step sister since September, she has no idea (from them) that this is all happening.
It's just a really s
tty situation all round really 
The last 6 months have been fairly strained being honest. The relationship we had before this has totally gone. The last time I went around to my mum and stepdads house was September when this all started. My kids have not been there either. Apart for a very brief passing when my Nan moved flat in December I've not seen my stepdad at all. I've seen my mother a handful of times, a couple of dog walks with the kids and I looked after their dog last week whilst they were away, and she popped round for a quick visit on mine and my eldest birthdays, but that's it really.
As mentioned above my Nan has moved flat to one a few miles closer to me and is happy as it means she can walk to more stuff locally rather than getting the bus.
The house my mother wanted up in Cumbria was removed from the market as the people decided against moving, so they were in a weird limbo of wanting to move but nothing falling into place...until last week it seems. She picked her dog up on Saturday evening when returning from holiday, and then sent a message on Sunday saying they had agreed a sale and found another house in Cumbria to purchase and that the chain was all in place and progressing. She clearly knew when getting the dog but decided against saying anything at the time.
Assuming all goes well with their chain I assume they'll be off in a few months, and I'm still fairly angry about it all to be honest. I've not replied to the message as there is nothing much to say positive from my end, and I doubt she'll want my honest opinion about wanting to play horses and get pissed with her mate rather than have anything to do with her grandkids. I'll go back and re-read this thread in a moment as I recall opinions on both sides of the fence and I think that will be good for perspective.
She did say "please don't be disappointed in us for wanting this adventure". As I have mentioned before I can see why they might want to do it, but I can't help but feel really angry about the whole thing too. She will have almost zero relationship with her grandkids, as visiting and staying isn't really going to be an option due to the distance and the breakdown of the relationship, and she is leaving her elderly mother at this stage of her life which I think is pretty poor.
I don't know what I expect to happen next. I cant, and don't want to, stop them going if that's what they really want it just feels really quite pathetic on her part, and feels like they want nothing to do with us which is obviously quite hurtful. They've not even spoken with my step sister since September, she has no idea (from them) that this is all happening.
It's just a really s
tty situation all round really Edited by S100HP on Wednesday 20th March 03:09
Oakey said:
you can guarantee in the future when she needs help herself she'll be expecting it from OP.
Well she can absolutely get fked. Had a huge row last weekend on the phone. Lots of backwards and forwards, looking for validation etc. I warned her not to have the discussion as she'd not like my thoughts lots of "it's what I want to do", "it's what I've always wanted" that kind of thing, coupled with the "am I supposed to stay here for a 10min visit once a week" which I explained was far more to do with how my stepdad is with the kids....how she's never had them for a sleepover etc. She also said "why should I stay and look after my mum, I've got a brother who can do his fair share"....it wasn't an overly nice conversation.
She really didn't like it when I said she was chasing after her friends to play horses and go drinking...nor did he. She told him that bit and I could here him ranting in the background about I should "shut the hell up and keep my stupid opinions to myself" etc.
So I did. I hung up. Not spoken to her since. I'm absolutely done with this. The whole thing is stupid. They can obviously do whatever they want, but good luck to future them, because they're on their own.
Digging into this a bit more with my wife, I think this is far more to do with him and my upbringing. She says based on what she knows, I was an abused child. Emotionally and physically, as has my mother been. Why she put up with it I'll never know, but I suspect it's more to do with the lifestyle he provides. I've spent 40 years placating him, trying not to upset him etc. absolutely done with him.
Edited by S100HP on Sunday 31st March 19:39
Update time.
About a month after my last update was posted we'd still not spoken. I decided to be the grown up and messaged to see if she wanted to meet for a dog walk with kids, which we did. Life is too short to leave on bad terms. I asked her about the house etc to show interest. We saw her once again a week or so later but that's about it really. They are pretty close to exchanging now, I'll be surprised if it's not this week, with a moving date some time in June.
I feel really weird about the whole thing. I think about it constantly, and I don't really know why. I find it hurtful, as does my nan, but we can't stop her, not should we. I also think it's rather tragic that they're chasing their friends like this. Also, the house isn't even that nice! I've seen a walkthrough video from the estate agents and the place needs loads of work. I can't believe they're giving up what they have for something that's going to take years to get how they want, but maybe that's the appeal. A purpose for them.
About a month after my last update was posted we'd still not spoken. I decided to be the grown up and messaged to see if she wanted to meet for a dog walk with kids, which we did. Life is too short to leave on bad terms. I asked her about the house etc to show interest. We saw her once again a week or so later but that's about it really. They are pretty close to exchanging now, I'll be surprised if it's not this week, with a moving date some time in June.
I feel really weird about the whole thing. I think about it constantly, and I don't really know why. I find it hurtful, as does my nan, but we can't stop her, not should we. I also think it's rather tragic that they're chasing their friends like this. Also, the house isn't even that nice! I've seen a walkthrough video from the estate agents and the place needs loads of work. I can't believe they're giving up what they have for something that's going to take years to get how they want, but maybe that's the appeal. A purpose for them.
We are finally at the end point. After a few weeks of waiting they finally have a moving date, which I knew was imminent.
Tomorrow (Friday). I got told via text message at 0450 on Thursday morning. Removal people have turned up this evening and are loading up the house in order to depart tomorrow morning. No visit to say goodbye, to either myself or my Nan, and not a word to my step sister, who only knows because I've kept her in the loop.
I hope they enjoy themselves.
Tomorrow (Friday). I got told via text message at 0450 on Thursday morning. Removal people have turned up this evening and are loading up the house in order to depart tomorrow morning. No visit to say goodbye, to either myself or my Nan, and not a word to my step sister, who only knows because I've kept her in the loop.
I hope they enjoy themselves.
Zolvaro said:
He's made it very clear earlier in the thread that his step-dad isn't very tolerant of the kids, so he's hardly going to travel a long distance to somewhere he doesn't feel welcome.
Donkey Apple is correct. It's 320 miles, 6hrs away. Fitting that around shift work, school, 3 dogs etc etc. I also don't really have a suitable car for longer trips ATM.Edited by Zolvaro on Friday 21st June 09:43
However the main issue is this, and it's probably more the reason I've reacted the way I have. My stepdad isn't an overly nice man. He's always kept a roof over my head, holidays etc, but he's just totally irrational. He flies off at the smallest thing, totally intolerant of kids, absolutely unreasonable at times. I've seen him pin my mum up against the wall in the past, beat the s
t out of a dog because it was snarling at him. He's fallen out with all their close friends in the past, his own parents when they were alive, his own daughter (doesn't see his grandson now) and now his sister who they were "moving to be closer to". I've no real recollection of the stuff that was done to me when I was a kid but apparently my dad still has pictures of my backside after he hit me as a young kid on more than one occasion. I've spent my life walking on eggshells around him.We tolerate each other for small periods, and he can cope with a visit from kids for a short period of time, which worked fine before as we could pop in, guage his mood then stay as long as appropriate. The biggest issue in all this, is that we have to commit to being there for x amount of time, given the distance. I can't really be justifying hundreds on accommodation to visit them, so logically we'd stay at their new place (it's big enough) but I know full well after a day or so he'd be insufferable, so visiting seems unlikely as a family. I've not even been to their old house since September because I know the reception I'd get, so even myself going to visit is going to be frosty.
I'm sure if it was all happy families I'd be much more receptive.
Well. Things have kind of escalated this week.
As mentioned, I got a message Thursday morning saying they were going Friday, which they did, without further communication. No popping in to say goodbye to myself or the kids, nor my nan. She spoke with my nan on the phone as said she was going, and she'd see her when she came back for her horse.
My kids were pretty upset they didn't get to say goodbye to her. I'm was pretty annoyed too. Not even a message to say "were off now, will let you know when we arrive".
That evening she posted on Facebook about her new place. My step sister saw this and rightly was pissed. Basically said "WTF". Her mum, his ex, also saw this and went mental at them. My mother then deleted them both. She's been her stepmother for 40 years, yet just blocked her.
I had a couple of civil messages from my mother saying she was hopefully coming back to get her horse this week, asking how we were etc. Nothing major.
The on Wednesday my Nan told me she had been back to get her horse. She arrived on Tuesday evening, stayed with a friend and left Wednesday morning, without telling me, and not seeing her mother. She then posted a picture of her horse at their new place for everyone to see, but purposely blocked me from seeing it (you can choose who to exclude from seeing certain things), but not my wife, who then showed me.
Was pretty pissed off now. Not only had she left without saying bye, but returned then fked off again. When she originally went I thought maybe we'd see her when she came back and that would be goodbye, but clearly not in her book.
So I told her that leaving like she did is incredibly hurtful, and what they've done to my step sister is unforgivable. So that's where we are at. I now have zero relationship with my mother. Cannot believe it's ended like this.
As mentioned, I got a message Thursday morning saying they were going Friday, which they did, without further communication. No popping in to say goodbye to myself or the kids, nor my nan. She spoke with my nan on the phone as said she was going, and she'd see her when she came back for her horse.
My kids were pretty upset they didn't get to say goodbye to her. I'm was pretty annoyed too. Not even a message to say "were off now, will let you know when we arrive".
That evening she posted on Facebook about her new place. My step sister saw this and rightly was pissed. Basically said "WTF". Her mum, his ex, also saw this and went mental at them. My mother then deleted them both. She's been her stepmother for 40 years, yet just blocked her.
I had a couple of civil messages from my mother saying she was hopefully coming back to get her horse this week, asking how we were etc. Nothing major.
The on Wednesday my Nan told me she had been back to get her horse. She arrived on Tuesday evening, stayed with a friend and left Wednesday morning, without telling me, and not seeing her mother. She then posted a picture of her horse at their new place for everyone to see, but purposely blocked me from seeing it (you can choose who to exclude from seeing certain things), but not my wife, who then showed me.
Was pretty pissed off now. Not only had she left without saying bye, but returned then f
ked off again. When she originally went I thought maybe we'd see her when she came back and that would be goodbye, but clearly not in her book.So I told her that leaving like she did is incredibly hurtful, and what they've done to my step sister is unforgivable. So that's where we are at. I now have zero relationship with my mother. Cannot believe it's ended like this.
RayDonovan said:
Doesn't sound like the behaviour of someone who's 100% committed to their actions..
I've said before, I had a similar situation with my late Father and his horsey Wife.
She essentially turned him against us. His Wife was the least family orientated Woman I've ever met (didn't even realise she had a son until they'd been married for a few years as he didn't even bother to attend the Wedding).
Every Family occasion was a rush as 'i need to get back for the Horses, dogs or cats'. She once audibly huffed when I offered my old man another Coffee on his yearly visit (they lived 15 miles away).
He never got to see his Grandson grow up which breaks my heart. Unsurprisingly, post his death, she's been spending all the money they'd saved and we'll see fk all of his decent estate I guess...
Well it's a bit bloody late to change her mind now!I've said before, I had a similar situation with my late Father and his horsey Wife.
She essentially turned him against us. His Wife was the least family orientated Woman I've ever met (didn't even realise she had a son until they'd been married for a few years as he didn't even bother to attend the Wedding).
Every Family occasion was a rush as 'i need to get back for the Horses, dogs or cats'. She once audibly huffed when I offered my old man another Coffee on his yearly visit (they lived 15 miles away).
He never got to see his Grandson grow up which breaks my heart. Unsurprisingly, post his death, she's been spending all the money they'd saved and we'll see f
k all of his decent estate I guess...Awful situation for you. Friggin horses! Horse women are mental.
Thanks for all the feedback, in it's varying forms. I am reading it all and taking it all in.
As I've mentioned several times if it was just me, I'd not really care. I genuinely mean that. I spent several years living in France when younger, so it's nothing to do with needing "boob milk". My frustration is much more how its been done, especially with grandkids involved, alongside abandoning her 88 year old partially sighted mother.
Mine are 7 and 11, my sisters kid (who remember they didn't even tell beforehand) is now 15. Again, if my stepdad wasn't such an ahole to people, kids especially, then I'd not feel so negative.
Regardless, what is done is done now. He's not made contact with his daughter as yet despite her trying.
Interestingly my mother did message my son yesterday an apology for leaving without seeing them both and why she didn't see them when she popped back so maybe her conscious has briefly reappeared.
As I've mentioned several times if it was just me, I'd not really care. I genuinely mean that. I spent several years living in France when younger, so it's nothing to do with needing "boob milk". My frustration is much more how its been done, especially with grandkids involved, alongside abandoning her 88 year old partially sighted mother.
Mine are 7 and 11, my sisters kid (who remember they didn't even tell beforehand) is now 15. Again, if my stepdad wasn't such an a
hole to people, kids especially, then I'd not feel so negative.Regardless, what is done is done now. He's not made contact with his daughter as yet despite her trying.
Interestingly my mother did message my son yesterday an apology for leaving without seeing them both and why she didn't see them when she popped back so maybe her conscious has briefly reappeared.
Edited by S100HP on Saturday 29th June 15:35
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