Parents moving away
Discussion
S100HP said:
Update time.
About a month after my last update was posted we'd still not spoken. I decided to be the grown up and messaged to see if she wanted to meet for a dog walk with kids, which we did. Life is too short to leave on bad terms. I asked her about the house etc to show interest. We saw her once again a week or so later but that's about it really. They are pretty close to exchanging now, I'll be surprised if it's not this week, with a moving date some time in June.
I feel really weird about the whole thing. I think about it constantly, and I don't really know why. I find it hurtful, as does my nan, but we can't stop her, not should we. I also think it's rather tragic that they're chasing their friends like this. Also, the house isn't even that nice! I've seen a walkthrough video from the estate agents and the place needs loads of work. I can't believe they're giving up what they have for something that's going to take years to get how they want, but maybe that's the appeal. A purpose for them.
About a month after my last update was posted we'd still not spoken. I decided to be the grown up and messaged to see if she wanted to meet for a dog walk with kids, which we did. Life is too short to leave on bad terms. I asked her about the house etc to show interest. We saw her once again a week or so later but that's about it really. They are pretty close to exchanging now, I'll be surprised if it's not this week, with a moving date some time in June.
I feel really weird about the whole thing. I think about it constantly, and I don't really know why. I find it hurtful, as does my nan, but we can't stop her, not should we. I also think it's rather tragic that they're chasing their friends like this. Also, the house isn't even that nice! I've seen a walkthrough video from the estate agents and the place needs loads of work. I can't believe they're giving up what they have for something that's going to take years to get how they want, but maybe that's the appeal. A purpose for them.
S100HP said:
We are finally at the end point. After a few weeks of waiting they finally have a moving date, which I knew was imminent.
Tomorrow (Friday). I got told via text message at 0450 on Thursday morning. Removal people have turned up this evening and are loading up the house in order to depart tomorrow morning. No visit to say goodbye, to either myself or my Nan, and not a word to my step sister, who only knows because I've kept her in the loop.
I hope they enjoy themselves.
Sorry to hear it ended up this way between all of you. Having read through all your replies there seems to be a lot of history around this. You can’t be be responsible for the actions of others. You can be responsible for how it makes you feel though and so have you thought about you talking this through with someone who specialises in this?Tomorrow (Friday). I got told via text message at 0450 on Thursday morning. Removal people have turned up this evening and are loading up the house in order to depart tomorrow morning. No visit to say goodbye, to either myself or my Nan, and not a word to my step sister, who only knows because I've kept her in the loop.
I hope they enjoy themselves.
Edited by C4ME on Friday 21st June 13:25
This has also happened to us OP
Mum left me and my younger sister aged 23/25 at the time to go live by the seaside.
That was 15 years ago and now the old man has done the same.
We both have young kids and jobs near where we are so travelling 200 mile round trip with them is very difficult for what is usually a couple hours of looking for somewhere to eat and then coming home.
Neither of them have any rooms for us to stay and rarely offer to stay for dinner.
Often my dad will visit where we live and not come to see us.
Annoyingly my son adores them both and not his caring grandparents my wife’s side!
On the other hand my wife’s family are incredible and come and help us with childcare and live for their grandchildren.
Then they get annoyed when we go on holiday as we could be going to see them.
Anyway I hope you’re doing alright, was nice for me to get that off my chest too apologies!
Edited to add, kind of accepted it and decided I’ll make my own little family and I live in chaos / bliss because of them every day and love it.
Mum left me and my younger sister aged 23/25 at the time to go live by the seaside.
That was 15 years ago and now the old man has done the same.
We both have young kids and jobs near where we are so travelling 200 mile round trip with them is very difficult for what is usually a couple hours of looking for somewhere to eat and then coming home.
Neither of them have any rooms for us to stay and rarely offer to stay for dinner.
Often my dad will visit where we live and not come to see us.
Annoyingly my son adores them both and not his caring grandparents my wife’s side!
On the other hand my wife’s family are incredible and come and help us with childcare and live for their grandchildren.
Then they get annoyed when we go on holiday as we could be going to see them.
Anyway I hope you’re doing alright, was nice for me to get that off my chest too apologies!
Edited to add, kind of accepted it and decided I’ll make my own little family and I live in chaos / bliss because of them every day and love it.
Edited by six port on Friday 21st June 17:18
S100HP said:
Donkey Apple is correct. It's 320 miles, 6hrs away. Fitting that around shift work, school, 3 dogs etc etc. I also don't really have a suitable car for longer trips ATM.
…
I'm sure if it was all happy families I'd be much more receptive.
Fair enough.…
I'm sure if it was all happy families I'd be much more receptive.
My parents live 320 miles away too, but we’re managing to get up once a month to see them. Sometimes just for long weekends but quite often for a week.
My wife’s family are 750 miles in the other direction and while we don’t get there as often we do still manage it a few times per year, although flying rather than driving.
Ken_Code said:
S100HP said:
Donkey Apple is correct. It's 320 miles, 6hrs away. Fitting that around shift work, school, 3 dogs etc etc. I also don't really have a suitable car for longer trips ATM.
…
I'm sure if it was all happy families I'd be much more receptive.
Fair enough.…
I'm sure if it was all happy families I'd be much more receptive.
My parents live 320 miles away too, but we’re managing to get up once a month to see them. Sometimes just for long weekends but quite often for a week.
My wife’s family are 750 miles in the other direction and while we don’t get there as often we do still manage it a few times per year, although flying rather than driving.
borcy said:
Vasco said:
J77wck said:
My in-laws haven't saw their grandson for 2 years and have never seen their granddaughter.
That's not very unusual. Not everyone wants to play Happy Families.Vasco said:
borcy said:
Vasco said:
J77wck said:
My in-laws haven't saw their grandson for 2 years and have never seen their granddaughter.
That's not very unusual. Not everyone wants to play Happy Families.surveyor said:
I still think the OP is being very sensitive. It’s his mums life also.
There are motorways, trains and trains and even planes.
My grandparents moved a similar distance. We went to then, they went to us.. we did not miss out and nor did they.
Indeed. I have first hand experience and indeed continue to witness this to this day among many grandparents as I stay often over in Spain, the home to many ex-pat British grandparents. My own paremts moved there for a number of years before selling up and returning to the U.K. for health reasons. There are motorways, trains and trains and even planes.
My grandparents moved a similar distance. We went to then, they went to us.. we did not miss out and nor did they.
In fact it’s rare to meet a retired ex-pat there who doesn’t have U.K. based grandchildren. The younger grandparents fly back regularly to see their grandkids, the elder less so whose children/grandchildren come to visit them. The wonders of modern tech mean they speak regularly via video chat/send WhatsApp videos etc etc. I was ultimately pleased for my own parents when they got to live their dream for a decade or so in the sun after a life of work.
As it happens, in the intervening years I ended up moving 300 miles north from Hampshire to Yorkshire so when they returned I was a 4.5 hour journey away. It means no ‘dropping around’ visits but that’s the price you pay to follow your idea of living where you want to live rather than dictating that on the company you wish to keep and the importance you place on each of those factors. For some, happiness is defined by the people around them. Perhaps my family bond was insufficiently significant to give that the priority. I know many people so tight with their family they simply cannot understand how I moved away. That sounds strangling to my mind but likewise I have a little envy that they are so close whereas I’ve never felt that. The other side of that envy though is I have always felt very free because those ties were never present.
As it happens, I’ll be motoring down Sunday to Hants for a few days with my Dad. Gets harder as he gets older (he’s 89 now) to only be able to see him once a month or so and the onus is now entirely on me to visit as the journey the other way became an impossibility beyond a few years back with his age. Something else to consider.
It’s funny that I only came across this thread today as I am getting ready for a 2-3 hour drive to visit my parents.
They moved to new Milton around four years ago. Previously they had been around a 30-45 minute journey away.
The upshot is we see them significantly less. About 6 months ago they decided they couldn’t do the drive up to us anymore. Now the only time we see them is when we visit. They aren’t the greatest hosts (my dad’s a right misery guts to be honest) so we end up doing day trips or sometimes staying in the local premier inn.
Best case it’s 6 or so hours of driving (a pain with the kids in the car).
They always moan that me and my brother don’t visit enough (he lives in Manchester and goes to visit once a year)
For us it’s been difficult and I don’t even think they’re that happy down there.
As they age and their health deteriorates it’s going to get more challenging too. I can see a time in the not too distant future where I will need to go down on a weekly basis to “help out”
Trouble is I’m not sure I want to. When they were local we had desperate need of their help on a couple of occasions, both due to hospitalisations and they didn’t come. Once due to not wanting to miss downton abbey FFS.
Bottom line is that generation are pretty selfish.
I really feel for the OP and hope it works out for him.
Now to jump in the car and battle the coast bound traffic…
They moved to new Milton around four years ago. Previously they had been around a 30-45 minute journey away.
The upshot is we see them significantly less. About 6 months ago they decided they couldn’t do the drive up to us anymore. Now the only time we see them is when we visit. They aren’t the greatest hosts (my dad’s a right misery guts to be honest) so we end up doing day trips or sometimes staying in the local premier inn.
Best case it’s 6 or so hours of driving (a pain with the kids in the car).
They always moan that me and my brother don’t visit enough (he lives in Manchester and goes to visit once a year)
For us it’s been difficult and I don’t even think they’re that happy down there.
As they age and their health deteriorates it’s going to get more challenging too. I can see a time in the not too distant future where I will need to go down on a weekly basis to “help out”
Trouble is I’m not sure I want to. When they were local we had desperate need of their help on a couple of occasions, both due to hospitalisations and they didn’t come. Once due to not wanting to miss downton abbey FFS.
Bottom line is that generation are pretty selfish.
I really feel for the OP and hope it works out for him.
Now to jump in the car and battle the coast bound traffic…
Well. Things have kind of escalated this week.
As mentioned, I got a message Thursday morning saying they were going Friday, which they did, without further communication. No popping in to say goodbye to myself or the kids, nor my nan. She spoke with my nan on the phone as said she was going, and she'd see her when she came back for her horse.
My kids were pretty upset they didn't get to say goodbye to her. I'm was pretty annoyed too. Not even a message to say "were off now, will let you know when we arrive".
That evening she posted on Facebook about her new place. My step sister saw this and rightly was pissed. Basically said "WTF". Her mum, his ex, also saw this and went mental at them. My mother then deleted them both. She's been her stepmother for 40 years, yet just blocked her.
I had a couple of civil messages from my mother saying she was hopefully coming back to get her horse this week, asking how we were etc. Nothing major.
The on Wednesday my Nan told me she had been back to get her horse. She arrived on Tuesday evening, stayed with a friend and left Wednesday morning, without telling me, and not seeing her mother. She then posted a picture of her horse at their new place for everyone to see, but purposely blocked me from seeing it (you can choose who to exclude from seeing certain things), but not my wife, who then showed me.
Was pretty pissed off now. Not only had she left without saying bye, but returned then f
ked off again. When she originally went I thought maybe we'd see her when she came back and that would be goodbye, but clearly not in her book.
So I told her that leaving like she did is incredibly hurtful, and what they've done to my step sister is unforgivable. So that's where we are at. I now have zero relationship with my mother. Cannot believe it's ended like this.
As mentioned, I got a message Thursday morning saying they were going Friday, which they did, without further communication. No popping in to say goodbye to myself or the kids, nor my nan. She spoke with my nan on the phone as said she was going, and she'd see her when she came back for her horse.
My kids were pretty upset they didn't get to say goodbye to her. I'm was pretty annoyed too. Not even a message to say "were off now, will let you know when we arrive".
That evening she posted on Facebook about her new place. My step sister saw this and rightly was pissed. Basically said "WTF". Her mum, his ex, also saw this and went mental at them. My mother then deleted them both. She's been her stepmother for 40 years, yet just blocked her.
I had a couple of civil messages from my mother saying she was hopefully coming back to get her horse this week, asking how we were etc. Nothing major.
The on Wednesday my Nan told me she had been back to get her horse. She arrived on Tuesday evening, stayed with a friend and left Wednesday morning, without telling me, and not seeing her mother. She then posted a picture of her horse at their new place for everyone to see, but purposely blocked me from seeing it (you can choose who to exclude from seeing certain things), but not my wife, who then showed me.
Was pretty pissed off now. Not only had she left without saying bye, but returned then f
ked off again. When she originally went I thought maybe we'd see her when she came back and that would be goodbye, but clearly not in her book.So I told her that leaving like she did is incredibly hurtful, and what they've done to my step sister is unforgivable. So that's where we are at. I now have zero relationship with my mother. Cannot believe it's ended like this.
Doesn't sound like the behaviour of someone who's 100% committed to their actions..
I've said before, I had a similar situation with my late Father and his horsey Wife.
She essentially turned him against us. His Wife was the least family orientated Woman I've ever met (didn't even realise she had a son until they'd been married for a few years as he didn't even bother to attend the Wedding).
Every Family occasion was a rush as 'i need to get back for the Horses, dogs or cats'. She once audibly huffed when I offered my old man another Coffee on his yearly visit (they lived 15 miles away).
He never got to see his Grandson grow up which breaks my heart. Unsurprisingly, post his death, she's been spending all the money they'd saved and we'll see fk all of his decent estate I guess...
I've said before, I had a similar situation with my late Father and his horsey Wife.
She essentially turned him against us. His Wife was the least family orientated Woman I've ever met (didn't even realise she had a son until they'd been married for a few years as he didn't even bother to attend the Wedding).
Every Family occasion was a rush as 'i need to get back for the Horses, dogs or cats'. She once audibly huffed when I offered my old man another Coffee on his yearly visit (they lived 15 miles away).
He never got to see his Grandson grow up which breaks my heart. Unsurprisingly, post his death, she's been spending all the money they'd saved and we'll see f
k all of his decent estate I guess...RayDonovan said:
Doesn't sound like the behaviour of someone who's 100% committed to their actions..
I've said before, I had a similar situation with my late Father and his horsey Wife.
She essentially turned him against us. His Wife was the least family orientated Woman I've ever met (didn't even realise she had a son until they'd been married for a few years as he didn't even bother to attend the Wedding).
Every Family occasion was a rush as 'i need to get back for the Horses, dogs or cats'. She once audibly huffed when I offered my old man another Coffee on his yearly visit (they lived 15 miles away).
He never got to see his Grandson grow up which breaks my heart. Unsurprisingly, post his death, she's been spending all the money they'd saved and we'll see fk all of his decent estate I guess...
Well it's a bit bloody late to change her mind now!I've said before, I had a similar situation with my late Father and his horsey Wife.
She essentially turned him against us. His Wife was the least family orientated Woman I've ever met (didn't even realise she had a son until they'd been married for a few years as he didn't even bother to attend the Wedding).
Every Family occasion was a rush as 'i need to get back for the Horses, dogs or cats'. She once audibly huffed when I offered my old man another Coffee on his yearly visit (they lived 15 miles away).
He never got to see his Grandson grow up which breaks my heart. Unsurprisingly, post his death, she's been spending all the money they'd saved and we'll see f
k all of his decent estate I guess...Awful situation for you. Friggin horses! Horse women are mental.
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