Parents moving away
Discussion
Ken_Code said:
Is there any particular reason that you can’t be the ones to travel?
Work. School. Other family commitments. Other financial responsibilities. It's easier for the retired parents to travel and fit in around the young family unit rather than expect that entire unit to pack up and travel a couple of hundred miles.
I've a few friends who are suffering from this expectation by retired people to travel to them so they can see their grandchildren rather than doing the very logical thing and they do the travelling as they have 7 free days in a week and 365 days of holiday, plus the spare income for hotels etc.
It's a bizarre modern phenomenon as these people are fully aware of the time and money commitments 40 year old parents with children have, having been there themselves.
Ken_Code said:
S100HP said:
Thank you. A fair point but visits from her down here will be non-existent as we've no space for them to stay, and she couldn't/wouldn't leave the horse. I just cant see when they'll ever see them.
Is there any particular reason that you can’t be the ones to travel?Edited by Zolvaro on Friday 21st June 09:43
DonkeyApple said:
Ken_Code said:
Is there any particular reason that you can’t be the ones to travel?
Work. School. Other family commitments. Other financial responsibilities. It's easier for the retired parents to travel and fit in around the young family unit rather than expect that entire unit to pack up and travel a couple of hundred miles.
I've a few friends who are suffering from this expectation by retired people to travel to them so they can see their grandchildren rather than doing the very logical thing and they do the travelling as they have 7 free days in a week and 365 days of holiday, plus the spare income for hotels etc.
It's a bizarre modern phenomenon as these people are fully aware of the time and money commitments 40 year old parents with children have, having been there themselves.
Glad yours have now moved. Move on you will all feel much better for it.
Ken_Code said:
DonkeyApple said:
Work. School. Other family commitments. Other financial responsibilities.
Why are you answering for the OP? 
Tom8 said:
My inlaws spend little time with my daughter. The MIL almost uses her as a fashion accessory when it suits. The two of them have never in 8 years taken her for a day out or trip away. MIL will take her maybe for a half day, but always to the same place as it suits her. Quite amazing really. Then they claim they dote on her.
Glad yours have now moved. Move on you will all feel much better for it.
My parents never looked after my son. Both remarried when I was young. (5 years old)Glad yours have now moved. Move on you will all feel much better for it.
Mrs Nemesis parents were both dead by the time she was 22.
I never expected or asked for either of my parents to look after my son, my Material Grandmother asked if she could look after him when Mrs Nemesis went back to work.
We have our Grandson every 2 weeks from Friday afternoon until early evening on the Saturday, the in laws have him the same every other week too.
Some people/parents just want to enjoy what time they have left once they've brought their own children up. Some parents want to have their Grandchildren all the time.
There's no right or wrong answer.
Ken_Code said:
DonkeyApple said:
Oh, I'm terribly sorry Mr Code. Please forgive my horrendous temerity Mr Code. I had no idea that on a public forum one wasn't allowed to participate Mr Code.
So how do you know that those are his reasons? If you don’t then why pretend that you do?I asked about his reasons, it’s not contributing to pretend to speak for him, it’s just being a dick.
Zolvaro said:
He's made it very clear earlier in the thread that his step-dad isn't very tolerant of the kids, so he's hardly going to travel a long distance to somewhere he doesn't feel welcome.
Donkey Apple is correct. It's 320 miles, 6hrs away. Fitting that around shift work, school, 3 dogs etc etc. I also don't really have a suitable car for longer trips ATM.Edited by Zolvaro on Friday 21st June 09:43
However the main issue is this, and it's probably more the reason I've reacted the way I have. My stepdad isn't an overly nice man. He's always kept a roof over my head, holidays etc, but he's just totally irrational. He flies off at the smallest thing, totally intolerant of kids, absolutely unreasonable at times. I've seen him pin my mum up against the wall in the past, beat the s
t out of a dog because it was snarling at him. He's fallen out with all their close friends in the past, his own parents when they were alive, his own daughter (doesn't see his grandson now) and now his sister who they were "moving to be closer to". I've no real recollection of the stuff that was done to me when I was a kid but apparently my dad still has pictures of my backside after he hit me as a young kid on more than one occasion. I've spent my life walking on eggshells around him.We tolerate each other for small periods, and he can cope with a visit from kids for a short period of time, which worked fine before as we could pop in, guage his mood then stay as long as appropriate. The biggest issue in all this, is that we have to commit to being there for x amount of time, given the distance. I can't really be justifying hundreds on accommodation to visit them, so logically we'd stay at their new place (it's big enough) but I know full well after a day or so he'd be insufferable, so visiting seems unlikely as a family. I've not even been to their old house since September because I know the reception I'd get, so even myself going to visit is going to be frosty.
I'm sure if it was all happy families I'd be much more receptive.
Biker's Nemesis said:
Tom8 said:
My inlaws spend little time with my daughter. The MIL almost uses her as a fashion accessory when it suits. The two of them have never in 8 years taken her for a day out or trip away. MIL will take her maybe for a half day, but always to the same place as it suits her. Quite amazing really. Then they claim they dote on her.
Glad yours have now moved. Move on you will all feel much better for it.
My parents never looked after my son. Both remarried when I was young. (5 years old)Glad yours have now moved. Move on you will all feel much better for it.
Mrs Nemesis parents were both dead by the time she was 22.
I never expected or asked for either of my parents to look after my son, my Material Grandmother asked if she could look after him when Mrs Nemesis went back to work.
We have our Grandson every 2 weeks from Friday afternoon until early evening on the Saturday, the in laws have him the same every other week too.
Some people/parents just want to enjoy what time they have left once they've brought their own children up. Some parents want to have their Grandchildren all the time.
There's no right or wrong answer.
Tom8 said:
I agree with you, maybe i just find it distasteful that you have this faux doting and parading of her to say look what a lovely grandmother I am when she absolutely isn't.
Yes, I see where you're coming from, I see people on (Mrs Nemesis's) FB doing the same when I know for a fact its all for attention.DonkeyApple said:
Ken_Code said:
Is there any particular reason that you can’t be the ones to travel?
Work. School. Other family commitments. Other financial responsibilities. It's easier for the retired parents to travel and fit in around the young family unit rather than expect that entire unit to pack up and travel a couple of hundred miles.
I've a few friends who are suffering from this expectation by retired people to travel to them so they can see their grandchildren rather than doing the very logical thing and they do the travelling as they have 7 free days in a week and 365 days of holiday, plus the spare income for hotels etc.
It's a bizarre modern phenomenon as these people are fully aware of the time and money commitments 40 year old parents with children have, having been there themselves.
Cheeses me right off.
The worst bit is that my Mum (and her partner) are now getting old, obviously, partner is mid-80s, Mum late 70s. Partner is now incapable of driving due to eyesight issues and other things, and the last time they came up here by car my Mum drove and on the way home down the motorway they had an accident, drifting into another lane and hitting a truck. I think Mum was dozing off but obviously she's blaming everyone else. Anyway, point is, there comes a time in all our lives where long distance driving is beyond our capabilities, so that option gets removed from the table too - I don't want to be scraping my Mum off the M4, I lost my Dad when I was a child in a road accident. And then there's public transport. Oh no, couldn't possibly use trains, they're smelly and common people do that.
. I've always had dreams of retiring in rural Scotland, or France, but I've come to the realisation that the practicalities of doing such a thing can become insurmountable, very quickly.Edited by CivicDuties on Friday 21st June 10:38
S100HP said:
However the main issue is this, and it's probably more the reason I've reacted the way I have. My stepdad isn't an overly nice man. He's always kept a roof over my head, holidays etc, but he's just totally irrational. He flies off at the smallest thing, totally intolerant of kids, absolutely unreasonable at times. I've seen him pin my mum up against the wall in the past, beat the st out of a dog because it was snarling at him. He's fallen out with all their close friends in the past, his own parents when they were alive, his own daughter (doesn't see his grandson now) and now his sister who they were "moving to be closer to". I've no real recollection of the stuff that was done to me when I was a kid but apparently my dad still has pictures of my backside after he hit me as a young kid on more than one occasion. I've spent my life walking on eggshells around him.
We tolerate each other for small periods, and he can cope with a visit from kids for a short period of time, which worked fine before as we could pop in, guage his mood then stay as long as appropriate. The biggest issue in all this, is that we have to commit to being there for x amount of time, given the distance. I can't really be justifying hundreds on accommodation to visit them, so logically we'd stay at their new place (it's big enough) but I know full well after a day or so he'd be insufferable, so visiting seems unlikely as a family. I've not even been to their old house since September because I know the reception I'd get, so even myself going to visit is going to be frosty.
I'm sure if it was all happy families I'd be much more receptive.
Sounds like you shouldn't be lamenting the fact that they've moved away, more celebrating that this toxic person isn't in your life anymore and doesn't have access to your kids......t out of a dog because it was snarling at him. He's fallen out with all their close friends in the past, his own parents when they were alive, his own daughter (doesn't see his grandson now) and now his sister who they were "moving to be closer to". I've no real recollection of the stuff that was done to me when I was a kid but apparently my dad still has pictures of my backside after he hit me as a young kid on more than one occasion. I've spent my life walking on eggshells around him.We tolerate each other for small periods, and he can cope with a visit from kids for a short period of time, which worked fine before as we could pop in, guage his mood then stay as long as appropriate. The biggest issue in all this, is that we have to commit to being there for x amount of time, given the distance. I can't really be justifying hundreds on accommodation to visit them, so logically we'd stay at their new place (it's big enough) but I know full well after a day or so he'd be insufferable, so visiting seems unlikely as a family. I've not even been to their old house since September because I know the reception I'd get, so even myself going to visit is going to be frosty.
I'm sure if it was all happy families I'd be much more receptive.
S100HP said:
Zolvaro said:
He's made it very clear earlier in the thread that his step-dad isn't very tolerant of the kids, so he's hardly going to travel a long distance to somewhere he doesn't feel welcome.
Donkey Apple is correct. It's 320 miles, 6hrs away. Fitting that around shift work, school, 3 dogs etc etc. I also don't really have a suitable car for longer trips ATM.Edited by Zolvaro on Friday 21st June 09:43
However the main issue is this, and it's probably more the reason I've reacted the way I have. My stepdad isn't an overly nice man. He's always kept a roof over my head, holidays etc, but he's just totally irrational. He flies off at the smallest thing, totally intolerant of kids, absolutely unreasonable at times. I've seen him pin my mum up against the wall in the past, beat the s
t out of a dog because it was snarling at him. He's fallen out with all their close friends in the past, his own parents when they were alive, his own daughter (doesn't see his grandson now) and now his sister who they were "moving to be closer to". I've no real recollection of the stuff that was done to me when I was a kid but apparently my dad still has pictures of my backside after he hit me as a young kid on more than one occasion. I've spent my life walking on eggshells around him.We tolerate each other for small periods, and he can cope with a visit from kids for a short period of time, which worked fine before as we could pop in, guage his mood then stay as long as appropriate. The biggest issue in all this, is that we have to commit to being there for x amount of time, given the distance. I can't really be justifying hundreds on accommodation to visit them, so logically we'd stay at their new place (it's big enough) but I know full well after a day or so he'd be insufferable, so visiting seems unlikely as a family. I've not even been to their old house since September because I know the reception I'd get, so even myself going to visit is going to be frosty.
I'm sure if it was all happy families I'd be much more receptive.
Biker's Nemesis said:
There's no right or wrong answer.
This.My folks live 340mi away at the far end of Cornwall, us in Manchester. They were down there before the prospect of grandchildren, and possibly didn't ever expect any. Yet we see each other for several days at a time, 3-4 times a year, whether it's them staying with us or us with them. And if that means us using leave up then so be it. It's not ideal, and I'm sure my folks would prefer to be only a couple of hours away tops and see our son more regularly (and vice versa obvs), but the flip side to that is they get to spend time with him 24/7 for several days at a time and that's an entirely different relationship with him than the hour or so I used to get with my grandparents every other week.
Whether you feel you're willing to make those sorts of journeys all comes down to your own circumstances and relationships. If you wanted to - i.e. if you felt it meaningful and worthwhile for yourselves, your kids or your parents - making those journeys wouldn't be an issue, regardless of work or social commitments.
DonkeyApple said:
Ken_Code said:
Is there any particular reason that you can’t be the ones to travel?
Work. School. Other family commitments. Other financial responsibilities. It's easier for the retired parents to travel and fit in around the young family unit rather than expect that entire unit to pack up and travel a couple of hundred miles.
I've a few friends who are suffering from this expectation by retired people to travel to them so they can see their grandchildren rather than doing the very logical thing and they do the travelling as they have 7 free days in a week and 365 days of holiday, plus the spare income for hotels etc.
It's a bizarre modern phenomenon as these people are fully aware of the time and money commitments 40 year old parents with children have, having been there themselves.
Parents haven’t seen their grandchildren in 2 years now yet have time and resources to visit if they would like, but choose not to make the effort.
A non-reciprocal relationship is not something worth time pursuing in my opinion.
Perhaps the OP’s parents may see the move as a 2,3,5 year project and intend to reconsider their decision in time, but if not they are telling you their intentions so I suggest to heed them, accept and move on.
OP, been following this for a while, it’d mentally drain me, you’ve done well I’d say
My sister can be a bit odd, loves arranging family things that are hard for me to get to etc, then changing the plans at the last minute etc, mind games.
My mother has 6 brothers, now I have my own family it’s starting to dawn on me that some people are just twits, more so than others.
Many are twits from the factory and can adjust their settings a bit to tolerate others. Some get the settings wrong and wind every one up.
Some people, like to be spiteful and horrid
Out of my mums 6 brothers, only one was like her, the rest were all odd.
Was really sad when my Nan was winding down on life, only 2 of the kids put any effort in. Sad
My father in law exists to make my mother in laws life hell. Very depressing to see it, but it’s been getting worse for 50 years. He had a heart attack and we thought it might change his outlook, no, it was everyone else’s fault
Friends are gods apology for family
My sister can be a bit odd, loves arranging family things that are hard for me to get to etc, then changing the plans at the last minute etc, mind games.
My mother has 6 brothers, now I have my own family it’s starting to dawn on me that some people are just twits, more so than others.
Many are twits from the factory and can adjust their settings a bit to tolerate others. Some get the settings wrong and wind every one up.
Some people, like to be spiteful and horrid
Out of my mums 6 brothers, only one was like her, the rest were all odd.
Was really sad when my Nan was winding down on life, only 2 of the kids put any effort in. Sad
My father in law exists to make my mother in laws life hell. Very depressing to see it, but it’s been getting worse for 50 years. He had a heart attack and we thought it might change his outlook, no, it was everyone else’s fault
Friends are gods apology for family
Families are plain odd. My Sister cancelled on us recently as she decided she needed to tidy the house instead, that was hard to explain to my 7 year old..
She's a proper snob. Felt out with her best mate because she never visits her, despite my Sister never going to their house (15 miles away).
She's a proper snob. Felt out with her best mate because she never visits her, despite my Sister never going to their house (15 miles away).
Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff