Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)
Discussion
Here's one that I've not heard in a while :
A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and thinks to himself "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before”.
So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace.
The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!”.
The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can”.
Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything.
The monkey realises the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together”.
So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realised what happened and starts to panic even more.
He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."
A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and thinks to himself "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before”.
So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace.
The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!”.
The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can”.
Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything.
The monkey realises the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together”.
So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realised what happened and starts to panic even more.
He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."
This one benefits from a bit of visual description but hopefully will work as wriiten
There was an Army Regiment about to do some jungle training and the RSM was given them instructions on how to deal with any wildlife they may come across. He finally go to how to deal with snakes and described the method as follows as the striped ones were very poisonous.( if you can do this in a Battery Sgt Major Williams voice.. all the better)
Ok you lovely boys.. if you sees a snake in front of you , the best way to despatch it is to grab it firmly by the other end to its head. With you other hand you positions it with the thumb pointing towards its head and swiftly run you hand up to its head , this paralysies it thus breaking the neck bones
One corporal was excellent at this and the BSM was concerned when he heard the lad had been hospitalised on his first day in the Jungle.
He hurries to the ward sees this soldier bandaged head to foot and asks him what happened
The corporal says.
I did everything i was trained for. I saw a red and blue striped snake grabbed its tail with my left hand, my right hand with thumb pointing up to its head., a swift movement and snake was dead. I then saw a green and white striped snake and did the same..Then i saw a black and yellow snake did the movement and..... .....Have you ever stuck your thumb up a tigers arse??
There was an Army Regiment about to do some jungle training and the RSM was given them instructions on how to deal with any wildlife they may come across. He finally go to how to deal with snakes and described the method as follows as the striped ones were very poisonous.( if you can do this in a Battery Sgt Major Williams voice.. all the better)
Ok you lovely boys.. if you sees a snake in front of you , the best way to despatch it is to grab it firmly by the other end to its head. With you other hand you positions it with the thumb pointing towards its head and swiftly run you hand up to its head , this paralysies it thus breaking the neck bones
One corporal was excellent at this and the BSM was concerned when he heard the lad had been hospitalised on his first day in the Jungle.
He hurries to the ward sees this soldier bandaged head to foot and asks him what happened
The corporal says.
I did everything i was trained for. I saw a red and blue striped snake grabbed its tail with my left hand, my right hand with thumb pointing up to its head., a swift movement and snake was dead. I then saw a green and white striped snake and did the same..Then i saw a black and yellow snake did the movement and..... .....Have you ever stuck your thumb up a tigers arse??
Edited by silverfoxcc on Saturday 26th February 20:01
A king kept a pack of dogs that he used to kill & eat anyone who disagreed with him, no matter how minor
One day his senior minister who had been there for years made a mistake,the king was pissed & sentenced the minister to be thrown to the dogs
The Minister begged" Your Majesty, give me 10 days to reflect on my errors before the execution". The king allowed that & the minister went right away to the keeper of the dogs & said "Let me care for the instruments of my death for these 0 days I have left on this earth, so I can accept my fate". The dog leeper allowed this & the minister cared for the dogs,fed,watered,groomed them etc.
At the end of 10 days he was dragged before the king who ordered him thrown to the dogs. As the animals approached the minister,they leapt on him,and licked his face,wagged their tails, rolled around and played with him.
The minister stood up,looked up at the king;"Your Majesty, I have served these dogs but 10 days yet they love me,I served you for 10 years but with one mistake you wanted me dead"
The king looked down at the scene & at that point he realised his mistake...
and swapped the dogs for crocodiles
One day his senior minister who had been there for years made a mistake,the king was pissed & sentenced the minister to be thrown to the dogs
The Minister begged" Your Majesty, give me 10 days to reflect on my errors before the execution". The king allowed that & the minister went right away to the keeper of the dogs & said "Let me care for the instruments of my death for these 0 days I have left on this earth, so I can accept my fate". The dog leeper allowed this & the minister cared for the dogs,fed,watered,groomed them etc.
At the end of 10 days he was dragged before the king who ordered him thrown to the dogs. As the animals approached the minister,they leapt on him,and licked his face,wagged their tails, rolled around and played with him.
The minister stood up,looked up at the king;"Your Majesty, I have served these dogs but 10 days yet they love me,I served you for 10 years but with one mistake you wanted me dead"
The king looked down at the scene & at that point he realised his mistake...
and swapped the dogs for crocodiles
Unexpected.
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