Urgent Help - Divorce related?

[JonRB]

By the way, you didn't miss much with Mike. He posted very unjustified, racist and out-of-order personal abuse towards Fezant Pluckah - way outside of the posting rules - which had many people gasping in shock. I reported it to the mods (anyone can hit "report abuse" you know guys) and within moments the offending posts had been removed and substituted with the "binned" icon and, presumably, Mike is cooling his heels in the Sin Bin because he has not been back since.

You really didn't miss much.

[JonRB]

Cactussed said:

JonRB said:

No CGT if the transfer is the result of a Court Order as part of a divorce.

Didn't know that. However, not sure if Stigette is married (makes a big difference in the UK) and also want to avoid court for now if possible, as court takes forever and outcome is not guaranteed by any stretch...

Even if you don't go through the courts, it is vital to get a Court Order or else either party can instigate a claim up to 10 years after the divorce. You'd have to be mental not to get one. You don't need to actually go to court if both sides can reach an agreement. Think of it like a legally-binding contract.

[Stigette]

JonRB said:

Stigette said:

She did seem to talk mostly about actually getting divorced and I could do it either through behaviour or adultery, but am not sure I understand why this is a priority

The thing you have to remember is that the divorce (the getting un-married bit) takes 3 or 4 months even if uncontested, provided it is either 'unreasonable behaviour' or adultery. Obviously if going for the '2 years separation' option it takes longer. LOL.
So the priority is to get the actual divorce under way. You then have plenty of time to sort out the Ancillary Relief (the financial settlement).

If he has a live-in girlfriend then I think it's safe to say that the adultery route is the way to go. She does not need to be named on the Petition. Just as an aside, if it were a boyfriend he had and not a girlfriend, it's not adultery and you'd need to use 'unreasonable behaviour'. Funny old world. But I digress.

As soon as you get the Petition for Divorce under way, which your solicitor should be able to do at fixed cost provided he does not contest, then you can start worrying about the Ancillary Relief and about a Court Order for custody / access.

But that is what I don't understand? There wont be any financial settlement will there? so where's the incentive to start the proceedings? And I can sort the access and maintenance without the divorce and it should be quicker if we have all this stuff in place and agreed beforehand shirly? And someone else said make him file divorce, then he has to pay for it? Not sure if thats right?



And I REALLY REALLY wanted to put my reason for divorce was because he owned a Rover 25 diesel.

ETA: Call myself a petrolhead and I can not even spell diesel

Edited by Stigette on Thursday 26th March 19:22

[Andy Zarse]

Stigette said:

JonRB said:

Stigette said:

She did seem to talk mostly about actually getting divorced and I could do it either through behaviour or adultery, but am not sure I understand why this is a priority

The thing you have to remember is that the divorce (the getting un-married bit) takes 3 or 4 months even if uncontested, provided it is either 'unreasonable behaviour' or adultery. Obviously if going for the '2 years separation' option it takes longer. LOL.
So the priority is to get the actual divorce under way. You then have plenty of time to sort out the Ancillary Relief (the financial settlement).

If he has a live-in girlfriend then I think it's safe to say that the adultery route is the way to go. She does not need to be named on the Petition. Just as an aside, if it were a boyfriend he had and not a girlfriend, it's not adultery and you'd need to use 'unreasonable behaviour'. Funny old world. But I digress.

As soon as you get the Petition for Divorce under way, which your solicitor should be able to do at fixed cost provided he does not contest, then you can start worrying about the Ancillary Relief and about a Court Order for custody / access.

But that is what I don't understand? There wont be any financial settlement will there? so where's the incentive to start the proceedings? And I can sort the access and maintenance without the divorce and it should be quicker if we have all this stuff in place and agreed beforehand shirly? And someone else said make him file divorce, then he has to pay for it? Not sure if thats right?



And I REALLY REALLY wanted to put my reason for divorce was because he owned a Rover 25 diesal.

My wife had a Rover 25. Got her an Alfa 147, and to say thanks the bh started fking somebody else. Women eh?

Anyway, I reckon you need to get divorced asap, or his debts and other dirty dealings will plague you for years to come. Get shot of the waster now. Possibly not what you want to hear but it's how I see it.

[JonRB]

Stigette said:

But that is what I don't understand? There wont be any financial settlement will there? so where's the incentive to start the proceedings? And I can sort the access and maintenance without the divorce and it should be quicker if we have all this stuff in place and agreed beforehand shirly?

I don't understand. Why would access and maintenance even be an issue if the marriage hasn't broken down and divorce necessary. Sure, go for a separation if you prefer but it still has an end result of divorce unless you reconcile.
And there is a financial settlement - you are talking about the disposal of a significant asset ie. the house.

Stigette said:

And someone else said make him file divorce, then he has to pay for it? Not sure if thats right?

No, that's completely wrong. It is traditional, in the absence of any other agreement, that the Respondant (the person who is being divorced, not doing the divorcing) pays costs. However, the Respondant can simply say that they will contest unless costs are split. In other words, so long as both parties can agree then any split can be written in.
Since my wife and I are splitting by mutual consent we are splitting the court costs 50:50. Note this is court fees, filing fees, etc. Each side is expected to pay their own legal costs (ie. their solicitor)

Andy Zarse said:

Anyway, I reckon you need to get divorced asap, or his debts and other dirty dealings will plague you for years to come. Get shot of the waster now. Possibly not what you want to hear but it's how I see it.

This is a very good point. Your respective credit ratings will be linked by association (the marriage) until such time as you are divorced and also not co-habiting. If he gets a CCJ against him then your credit rating will plummet too.

Edited by JonRB on Thursday 26th March 19:28

[longblackcoat]

Stigette said:

Andy Zarse said:

Stigette said:

All my valuables are now safe, some stuff is beyond repair but they are only items. I will live. Steal wall - heart - done, before we split. I might go back again tonight to check and maybe "relocate" some more stuff.

If he's away a while I'd take as much paperwork as possible, mortagae demends, bank statements, CC bills etc and photocopy it. Also take photo's of the girlfriends gear in there, and any other proof of co-occupancy that you can obtain.

Already done the paperwork thing (do you know how hard it is to find a photocopier at 7am?), I am in possession of all mortgage/house paperwork, took copies of EVERYTHING interesting. Didn't touch the G/F stuff just in case. But I like the idea of photos, also considering the house is in such a state no one would by it anyway.

G'khar - Just send it for free then

Leaving aside any spiteful reasons to destroy all the GF's clothes/stuff (though fun, it's best not to give in to temptation), take as many pictures as you can - shows the standard of the place, which would affect valuation, which impacts you unfairly. Obviously also demonstrates that the new GF is living there on at least a semipermanent basis.

I haven't read all of the previous pages (too many), but how's your kid coping with this? And how much contact does your husband have anyway? Leaving aside all of the money issues for a minute, you have to consider how much impact this will have on your child. I'd go with your solicitor's advice and stop contact now, then get a formal process in place. Your husband has to understand the importance a kid puts on a visit, and how much they look forward to it.

Changing plans at a day's notice, or turning up late simply makes the kid think that the father doesn't really see them as a priority. Unless he's prepared to do the visits/shared custody/whatever you arrange properly then he's going to seriously damage the relationship with his child - he needs to realise this.

Good news about the cancer scare, btw.

[longblackcoat]

Stigette said:

And I REALLY REALLY wanted to put my reason for divorce was because he owned a Rover 25 diesel.

Beige, was it? And was it the pathetic TD version or the oh-my-god-that's-lethargic non-turbo wheezle diseasel?

For his car choices, if for no other, he deserves everything that (I hope) you're about to do to him....

[Stigette]

Andy/Jon -

Oh right. bks. I think I just saw the divorce as a little bit of paper that finalised everything and meant we could remarry, Obviously not I was just delaying the solicitors fees in all that. OK thanks for explaining. More decisions. And he already has several CCJs, so am thinking the quickest option.

• sighs and looks for alcohol*

LBC - Yeah, think I am going to take photos at least. Can't harm and I learning fast all evidence even if never needed is worth having just in case.

With my regards my lad, he is such a cool kid, he has dealt with things fairly well I think. Normal detachment issues and a few things lately that makes me thinks he maybe bottling stuff up. But I have always made sure I never discuss stuff in front of him and explain anything he needs to know as positvely as I can, I never bad mouth his dad and I do my best to defend his dad when he doesn't show or messes us about. Arrangements have been rubbish and I did everything I could to ensure he got to see him but he has taken the mick.

Yeah was the TD although I did like the red colour..lol. Was like driving a tractor.

[littlegreenfairy]

I think you sound a rather grounded and nice girl.

Good luck with it. I hope you have an easy ride with it all.

[jessica]

Stigette. Please get your legal aid status checked by CAB or legal aid commission. You may still be entittled. I shouldnt have been allowed it, but they do a funny calculation on incomings and outgoings, livcing costs. bills etc. and then from that decide if you can have it. I got legal aid for the first bit of my divorce, up until my new partner moved in and then we had to count his wage and hence i came off it. please also be aware if you get legal aid and you gain some assetts the legal aid commission will put a charge on your property etc for you to pay them back. However you would have got some costs at £65/hour instead of £150/200 normal sol. rates.
It is a horrible time. especially if your ex challenges everything you do. took me three years to get absolute and finances sorted. on a brighter note.
My ex is happy and getting married this wknd. and I am engaged to my soulmate.
It was worth every second of aggro and pain to move life forward.
we only get one and hence should use it well.
good luck. if you need any further advice mail me...

[longblackcoat]

Stigette said:

With my regards my lad, he is such a cool kid, he has dealt with things fairly well I think. Normal detachment issues and a few things lately that makes me thinks he maybe bottling stuff up. But I have always made sure I never discuss stuff in front of him and explain anything he needs to know as positvely as I can, I never bad mouth his dad and I do my best to defend his dad when he doesn't show or messes us about. Arrangements have been rubbish and I did everything I could to ensure he got to see him but he has taken the mick.

I don't know how much you talk to your soon-to-be-ex-husband, but you have, if at all possible, to make him realise that he's got to make the meetings with your son really positive. Even if he feels terrible inside, if things are going appallingly elsewhere, he's just got to put on the happy face for that day when he sees his son.

If he can't do that, and carries on turning up as and when he feels like it, your son will be miserable when he sees his dad, and that doesn't help anyone.

[JonRB]

Stigette said:

And he already has several CCJs, so am thinking the quickest option

The quickest option is to petition for divorce on the grounds of adultery. It will cost £340 in court fees, which you can invite him to pay half of or, as the Petitioner, try and get him to pay all of. On top of that will be solicitors fees but these should be fixed. Maybe think £500 tops depending on solicitor.

Divorce goes through 3 steps - the Petition, then the Decree Nici (which means 'almost divorced') then the Decree Absolute (actually divorced). The whole thing takes 3-4 months so it is worth getting the wheels in motion sooner rather than later.
In car terms it's like the refuelling in a F1 pitstop. They don't faff around with the tyres and stuff and *then* get the fuel hose on. They get the fuel hose on first cos it takes the most amount of time.

As soon as you get the Decree Absolute you can write to Experian, Equifax, etc. (the major credit scoring companies) and break the financial association between you and your husband. At the moment his CCJs WILL be affecting your personal credit rating.

There really is no reason to delay unless you think you can reconcile with him. There's no point spending weeks or months getting access and financials sorted out and then petitioning, as you're then going to be twiddling your thumbs for 3-4 months whilst the divorce goes through.

[JonRB]

jessica said:

stuff about Legal Aid

Also, women are far more likely to get Legal Aid then men for some reason. It's a bit stty really as it results in a non-level playing field. But such is life. Basically if you have a vag you're automatically ahead in the divorce game on all counts; aid, sympathy, access, the lot.

I don't say that from bitterness; just making an observation.

[Stigette]

LGF - Thank you (odd though most my friends say I am crazy..lol, but in a good way)

Jessica - Thanks your post has just given me a very good idea!

LBC - Yes I am not sure he realises this, I think a 'chat' is needed.

Jon -
Thanks for explaing it all to me, there should be evening classes in this stuff, no wonder this was all the solicitor wanted to talk about. Her fee was 500. She didn't mention payment methods though maybe I could trade her something

I never wanted to play the "vag" card but think I might have to.

[JonRB]

Stigette said:

I never wanted to play the "vag" card but think I might have to.

Yeah, well they do make good cars.

[Andy Zarse]

Get to it. You'll have his plums on a skewer in no time. He sounds like the sort of person who will be happy to just drift along letting things take their course. But you have the whip hand, and more importantly, your son. You'll be back in that house in no time if your lawyer is up to the mark.

He'll get a very rude awakening, when he finds a ruddy great Court attachment order on his wages. He'll be reduced to living in a damp and filthy bedsit, looking through a mildew covered window at his vandalised Rover 25 sitting up on bricks with it's lights kicked out, a bottle of rancid milk sat on the window ledge outside blindly looking back at him as he can't afford a fridge. He'll watch you and your fantastic new fella picking your boy from school, and realise what a dumb gimp he's been. In short order, his life will become one of abject misery, his girlfriend gone when the money dried up, reduced to eating stale Sunblest white (thin sliced) and daily tins of Heinz BigSoup warmed up on a dirty old Baby Belling stove in a handleless saucepan. As he turns off the naked 40 watt light dangling from the yellowing stained ceiling, slithers into his grimy single bed encrusted with grease and dried spunk from wking himself asleep, finally sobbing into a stinking thin pillow as he cries the lonely nights away, repeating his mantra "Oh Stigette, what 'ave ya done to us babes?".


Look, it's this kind of positive outcome upon which you need to focus right now.

HTH

[JonRB]

Andy Zarse said:

Look, it's this kind of positive outcome upon which you need to focus right now.

You really are a bd, Andy.

[Stigette]

Andy Zarse said:

Get to it. You'll have his plums on a skewer in no time. He sounds like the sort of person who will be happy to just drift along letting things take their course. But you have the whip hand, and more importantly, your son. You'll be back in that house in no time if your lawyer is up to the mark.

He'll get a very rude awakening, when he finds a ruddy great Court attachment order on his wages. He'll be reduced to living in a damp and filthy bedsit, looking through a mildew covered window at his vandalised Rover 25 sitting up on bricks with it's lights kicked out, a bottle of rancid milk sat on the window ledge outside blindly looking back at him as he can't afford a fridge. He'll watch you and your fantastic new fella picking your boy from school, and realise what a dumb gimp he's been. In short order, his life will become one of abject misery, his girlfriend gone when the money dried up, reduced to eating stale Sunblest white (thin sliced) and daily tins of Heinz BigSoup warmed up on a dirty old Baby Belling stove in a handleless saucepan. As he turns off the naked 40 watt light dangling from the yellowing stained ceiling, slithers into his grimy single bed encrusted with grease and dried spunk from wking himself asleep, finally sobbing into a stinking thin pillow as he cries the lonely nights away, repeating his mantra "Oh Stigette, what 'ave ya done to us babes?".


Look, it's this kind of positive outcome upon which you need to focus right now.

HTH

Heres hoping.

Well I visited the house, after all I did have permission to from him to go get my personal belongings while he was away. So I took a few things I purchased whilst we were married. Namely all the clocks, mirrors and curtains. Also relocated a few more things they maybe needing.

I did however find a letter for some financial company which is in both our names that has outstanding debt on it

Well I would just like to say a big thank you, to those posted and to also to those not posted, because you have managed to keep my thread on topic, with masses of useful information and support and some fun to make me smile. Even mike has his place in the thread. I think this is a credit to PH!

Party at mine when the decree absolute thingy is in!

[ali_kat]

Good girl

Still think you should swap the locks over on the doors

[jessica]

What's a VAG.
Women usually get legal aid because they are the low earners in a relationship. Especially if there bloke just walks away from bills and mortgages.
Also women usually end up with all the children. and the responsibility that entails.