Calling the Sexperts

[_Batty_]

Mobsta said:

PD9 said:

I was the only one to vote - regular girl! Get in! Well done fella

Well done Sir We are a cynical lot sometimes aren't we!

Steve Evil said:

Mobsta said:

Well fellas, Of the 350 votes, only 1% presumed her innocence.
Must admit, I voted blasphemous-devil-fornicator myself.

She called back, and I was all set to peel back her mask Scooby Doo ending style, and reveal Old Man Smithers from the Carnival Ride, playing the Phantom Message DoppleShagger Villan. But it didnt happen like that.

Ergo, I have what is presumably bad news - she's just a regular gal.
Foreign and forward enough to leave a note like that.
So she's got a date for next week sometime.

Shame on me, for thinking like that.
And shame on the neighbours, for setting her up with me

As you were.

Hurrah! Nuts deep in foreign guts by next week.

Hurrah indeed!

But she was talking about meeting up one afternoon
And wasnt as confident sounding as I remembered. So I'm not holding my breath for an afternoon post-coffee bonking.

A sober date might work better though. Last weeks date was an absolute stunner, a drop dead gorgeous posh Surrey girl. Possibly the prettiest girl Ive ever dated, and out of my league I felt.

I had her laughing constantly all night, a terrific sign, and confidently strolled her into the cordoned off lush table area at a private party, then later challenged the guest list guy Ferris Bueller style, by getting up to visually steal a party name from his checklist. I felt like the man! So we began drinking strong cocktails together in earnest. One accidentally smashed glass later, things starting going downhill.

It was several winebars further into town, after I realised I was wearing my napkin on my head, that I suggested we go explore the local bomb shelter, which we did. Later I could hardly stand, and remember feeling like a 4-armed washing line spinning around in a gale, trying to dance on the stage of the club we ended up in, which is where I think I lost my leather jacket, as well as her after the room just lost its focus and visual clarity of its own accord.

Still hideously drunk the following morning, I evolved a joke Id received from another girl via text, into a message which stated that she would be very happy with me long term, because I was the only man alive who had a chocolate penis which ejaculated puppies, new shoes and money on demand.

I haven't heard from her since, which was absolutely gutting, as Id been trying to that date up for months.

you are harryflashman ICMFP

[Mobsta]

evenflow said:

Mobsta said:

evenflow said:

£10 she'll have moved both of her 6'4" skinhead brothers into your flat within the month.

Then I'll have the ceilings lowered
She's from Latvia, speaks like a female russian bond villan.

This is my sister, she number one prostitute in all Latvia. Niiiiice.

High Fives!

[Mobsta]

PD9 said:

Mobsta said:

She's from Latvia, speaks like a female russian bond villan.

Does she look like this?

Honestly dont remember what she looked like.
But am quite sure she didn't look like that, or Id have been paying more attention!

[PhantomHumper]

Hope she doesn't have aids.

[pokethepope]

PhantomHumper said:

Hope she doesn't have aids.

Good or bad?

[JonRB]

Mobsta said:

Still hideously drunk the following morning, I evolved a joke Id received from another girl via text, into a message which stated that she would be very happy with me long term, because I was the only man alive who had a chocolate penis which ejaculated puppies, new shoes and money on demand.

I haven't heard from her since, which was absolutely gutting, as Id been trying to that date up for months.

Epic fail.

[Mobsta]

JonRB said:

Mobsta said:

Still hideously drunk the following morning, I evolved a joke Id received from another girl via text, into a message which stated that she would be very happy with me long term, because I was the only man alive who had a chocolate penis which ejaculated puppies, new shoes and money on demand.

I haven't heard from her since, which was absolutely gutting, as Id been trying to set that date up for months.

Epic fail.

The cringe factor gained weight painfully, as the number of days without hearing from her increased.
Plonker!

[JonRB]

Mobsta said:

The cringe factor gained weight painfully, as the number of days without hearing from her increased.
Plonker!

I feel your pain. It's the sinking feeling of "defeat snatched from the jaws of victory" that makes it so bad.

[ben_reza]

JonRB said:

Mobsta said:

Still hideously drunk the following morning, I evolved a joke Id received from another girl via text, into a message which stated that she would be very happy with me long term, because I was the only man alive who had a chocolate penis which ejaculated puppies, new shoes and money on demand.

I haven't heard from her since, which was absolutely gutting, as Id been trying to that date up for months.

Epic fail.

Thats is a story. So sad!
But lessons have been learned. On to the next one

[TotalControl]

_Batty_ said:

Mobsta said:

PD9 said:

I was the only one to vote - regular girl! Get in! Well done fella

Well done Sir We are a cynical lot sometimes aren't we!

Steve Evil said:

Mobsta said:

Well fellas, Of the 350 votes, only 1% presumed her innocence.
Must admit, I voted blasphemous-devil-fornicator myself.

She called back, and I was all set to peel back her mask Scooby Doo ending style, and reveal Old Man Smithers from the Carnival Ride, playing the Phantom Message DoppleShagger Villan. But it didnt happen like that.

Ergo, I have what is presumably bad news - she's just a regular gal.
Foreign and forward enough to leave a note like that.
So she's got a date for next week sometime.

Shame on me, for thinking like that.
And shame on the neighbours, for setting her up with me

As you were.

Hurrah! Nuts deep in foreign guts by next week.

Hurrah indeed!

But she was talking about meeting up one afternoon
And wasnt as confident sounding as I remembered. So I'm not holding my breath for an afternoon post-coffee bonking.

A sober date might work better though. Last weeks date was an absolute stunner, a drop dead gorgeous posh Surrey girl. Possibly the prettiest girl Ive ever dated, and out of my league I felt.

I had her laughing constantly all night, a terrific sign, and confidently strolled her into the cordoned off lush table area at a private party, then later challenged the guest list guy Ferris Bueller style, by getting up to visually steal a party name from his checklist. I felt like the man! So we began drinking strong cocktails together in earnest. One accidentally smashed glass later, things starting going downhill.

It was several winebars further into town, after I realised I was wearing my napkin on my head, that I suggested we go explore the local bomb shelter, which we did. Later I could hardly stand, and remember feeling like a 4-armed washing line spinning around in a gale, trying to dance on the stage of the club we ended up in, which is where I think I lost my leather jacket, as well as her after the room just lost its focus and visual clarity of its own accord.

Still hideously drunk the following morning, I evolved a joke Id received from another girl via text, into a message which stated that she would be very happy with me long term, because I was the only man alive who had a chocolate penis which ejaculated puppies, new shoes and money on demand.

I haven't heard from her since, which was absolutely gutting, as Id been trying to that date up for months.

you are harryflashman ICMFP

I was going to say that. Very much like Flashmans conquests.

[moleamol]

Mobsta said:

PD9 said:

I was the only one to vote - regular girl! Get in! Well done fella

Well done Sir We are a cynical lot sometimes aren't we!

We are indeed. Pictures or it didn't happen.

[minimatt1967]

moleamol said:

Mobsta said:

PD9 said:

I was the only one to vote - regular girl! Get in! Well done fella

Well done Sir We are a cynical lot sometimes aren't we!

We are indeed. Pictures or it didn't happen.

Custard test perhaps?

[Adam B]

Mobsta said:

She's from Latvia, speaks like a female russian bond villan.

aaaah Riga - hallowed be thy name

[IainT]

Adam B said:

Steve Evil said:

Hurrah! Nuts deep in foreign guts by next week.

PH - Mills and Boon matters

got a tear in my eye

Similar but not quite the same as this foerign bird an hour into the date then...

[brum]

minimatt1967 said:

moleamol said:

Mobsta said:

PD9 said:

I was the only one to vote - regular girl! Get in! Well done fella

Well done Sir We are a cynical lot sometimes aren't we!

We are indeed. Pictures or it didn't happen.

Custard test perhaps?

all over her waps

[moleamol]

brum said:

minimatt1967 said:

moleamol said:

Mobsta said:

PD9 said:

I was the only one to vote - regular girl! Get in! Well done fella

Well done Sir We are a cynical lot sometimes aren't we!

We are indeed. Pictures or it didn't happen.

Custard test perhaps?

all over her waps

She's foreign so I reckon in her eye.

[Mobsta]

moleamol said:

brum said:

minimatt1967 said:

moleamol said:

Mobsta said:

PD9 said:

I was the only one to vote - regular girl! Get in! Well done fella

Well done Sir We are a cynical lot sometimes aren't we!

We are indeed. Pictures or it didn't happen.

Custard test perhaps?

all over her waps

She's foreign so I reckon in her eye.

Keep it clean and unlocked, we might eventually get to the evidence.

[JonRB]

Mobsta said:

Keep it clean and unlocked, we might eventually get to the evidence.

Just what I was thinking

[Mclovin]

disclose her number maybe she'll get some business from one of us desperados......lately my ex has put a burn notice on my ass...going around telling girls i cheated on her when i only went just past half way a bit with another girl..

[brum]

Hang on, didn't your Mrs........on a bike.......behind your back.......oh forget it.