Ungrateful/Argumentative wife
Discussion
Ken_Code said:
Jimjimhim said:
This is going to be one of those times where EVERYBODY advises that the OP does one thing, but after a few excuses the OP will do something else?!
As per his previous threads on the same issue stretching back quite a way.OP, you'll never have a better time to break this off than today.
Don't wait.
If you can't see this then there is no hope.
Not sure there is much point in another post saying LEAVE! but here goes anyway.
Right up to my separation, I couldn't believe I hadn't been able to make it work. I had loved her SO much.
But - when I walked through the door of a house that was mine and nothing to do with her, the relief was incredible. I felt better, not just mentally but physically, the moment I closed that door behind me.
So - yes, it is really hard to take the initiative, but you need to be strong and get on with it. You will be so much happier, even if a bit poorer. Giving up on a failed relationship is not a failure. The failure has already happened.
Right up to my separation, I couldn't believe I hadn't been able to make it work. I had loved her SO much.
But - when I walked through the door of a house that was mine and nothing to do with her, the relief was incredible. I felt better, not just mentally but physically, the moment I closed that door behind me.
So - yes, it is really hard to take the initiative, but you need to be strong and get on with it. You will be so much happier, even if a bit poorer. Giving up on a failed relationship is not a failure. The failure has already happened.
Some of this behaviour is looking chillingly similar to a relationship I was in almost 20 years ago now.
We were together for 8 years, and we were engaged and planning a wedding.
The turning point for me though was listening to a feature about abusive relationships on R4 one evening when I was driving home from work. The presenters started talking about coercive control and emotional abuse, and I realised with a dawning horror that they were describing my then fiancée's behaviour towards me. It had ramped up so slowly, and I'd been with her for so long that I hadn't noticed it was happening.
The killer point was realising that everything that went wrong was somehow my fault, and I'd been conditioned into thinking what a terrible person I was.
To cut a long story short, I broke it off with her, moved out into my own place and never looked back. Others describe the feeling of relief at having your own safe space and I completely understand it.
Looking back, I'm now pretty sure that she had BPD. Sometimes, she could be the sweetest person, but she could flip easily into a very dark mood and it would usually be only the tiniest most insignificant trigger.
Within 3 months of leaving her, I met my now wife, who helped me to realise what a mutually supportive relationship feels like. In nearly 20 years she's not once belittled me or attacked me in any way at all. She has my back constantly, and I have hers.
Strangely, I feel no animosity towards my ex. I genuinely hope she found a life for herself that made her happy. For whatever reason though, it was never going to work with me.
We were together for 8 years, and we were engaged and planning a wedding.
The turning point for me though was listening to a feature about abusive relationships on R4 one evening when I was driving home from work. The presenters started talking about coercive control and emotional abuse, and I realised with a dawning horror that they were describing my then fiancée's behaviour towards me. It had ramped up so slowly, and I'd been with her for so long that I hadn't noticed it was happening.
The killer point was realising that everything that went wrong was somehow my fault, and I'd been conditioned into thinking what a terrible person I was.
To cut a long story short, I broke it off with her, moved out into my own place and never looked back. Others describe the feeling of relief at having your own safe space and I completely understand it.
Looking back, I'm now pretty sure that she had BPD. Sometimes, she could be the sweetest person, but she could flip easily into a very dark mood and it would usually be only the tiniest most insignificant trigger.
Within 3 months of leaving her, I met my now wife, who helped me to realise what a mutually supportive relationship feels like. In nearly 20 years she's not once belittled me or attacked me in any way at all. She has my back constantly, and I have hers.
Strangely, I feel no animosity towards my ex. I genuinely hope she found a life for herself that made her happy. For whatever reason though, it was never going to work with me.
TheGreatDane said:
Apologies been at work so unable to respond.
I actually wish I was trolling, would make my life easier.
Valid points about my previous threads, I make a decision then I back out because weirdly on some level despite how toxic she is I do care for her. Not to mind the last time I said I want to divorce she grabbed a knife and attempted to go for her wrists.
I wish it was as easy as just filing for it. She's said she won't leave this house unless it's in a bodybag.
I always (inexplicably) give her the benefit of doubt that she'll change or she'll be fine in a bit but no.
We got back from holiday Sunday and today shes kicked off again about why my siblings don't talk to her or make an effort (my siblings feel awkward with her due to her previous behaviour but she doesn't agree). I said I can't control what other do and then she said you're disloyal to me and always have been.
She said our sex life means nothing because I'm emotionally distant from her, I hand on heart don't know what more I can do.
I may come across as a troll or someone wasting everyone's time, but I am utterly broken. I gave my up so much of my life for her that I can't get back.
I appreciate everyone's input especially the posts that made me chuckle (e92 335d).
I'll try to respond when I can.
You need to leave asap. It sounds hard but will be extremely easy. Do you have family close who you could stay with? If so, pack a bag and leave. Once you have done that you will feel 100% better than you do right now. Don’t let money/property/possessions be a reason not to do this. You have 1 life, make it a happy one. I actually wish I was trolling, would make my life easier.
Valid points about my previous threads, I make a decision then I back out because weirdly on some level despite how toxic she is I do care for her. Not to mind the last time I said I want to divorce she grabbed a knife and attempted to go for her wrists.
I wish it was as easy as just filing for it. She's said she won't leave this house unless it's in a bodybag.
I always (inexplicably) give her the benefit of doubt that she'll change or she'll be fine in a bit but no.
We got back from holiday Sunday and today shes kicked off again about why my siblings don't talk to her or make an effort (my siblings feel awkward with her due to her previous behaviour but she doesn't agree). I said I can't control what other do and then she said you're disloyal to me and always have been.
She said our sex life means nothing because I'm emotionally distant from her, I hand on heart don't know what more I can do.
I may come across as a troll or someone wasting everyone's time, but I am utterly broken. I gave my up so much of my life for her that I can't get back.
I appreciate everyone's input especially the posts that made me chuckle (e92 335d).
I'll try to respond when I can.
Even if you had £1m tied up in that property I would still walk.
Money can be earned back.
Your time cannot.
If it was me I would write a very clear letter to her & both sets of parents explaining your reasons and walk.
File for divorce & consult a lawyer.
Go snd stay with a mate, or rent a flat or live in a van or anything rather than stay in that relationship.
Explain that it is controlling & coercive behaviour that if the sexes were reversed would see the Police involved.
Stand firm.
Don’t back down.
If family won’t support your position then I am sorry to say they are no better than her.
If the threat to kill herself isn’t an empty one then you bear ZERO responsibility for it.
Her suicide because you left is not your responsibility (though I would film yourself leaving & have a damn good alibi once you left.
Seriously go to places with CCTV & maybe stay in a hotel. If the worst happened her family will be looking for a culprit.)
I’m sorry if this isn’t easy advice but it is what I would do.
I love my wife but if she behaved like this and there was no underlying cause I would leave.
Money can be earned back.
Your time cannot.
If it was me I would write a very clear letter to her & both sets of parents explaining your reasons and walk.
File for divorce & consult a lawyer.
Go snd stay with a mate, or rent a flat or live in a van or anything rather than stay in that relationship.
Explain that it is controlling & coercive behaviour that if the sexes were reversed would see the Police involved.
Stand firm.
Don’t back down.
If family won’t support your position then I am sorry to say they are no better than her.
If the threat to kill herself isn’t an empty one then you bear ZERO responsibility for it.
Her suicide because you left is not your responsibility (though I would film yourself leaving & have a damn good alibi once you left.
Seriously go to places with CCTV & maybe stay in a hotel. If the worst happened her family will be looking for a culprit.)
I’m sorry if this isn’t easy advice but it is what I would do.
I love my wife but if she behaved like this and there was no underlying cause I would leave.
TheGreatDane said:
Yes but they are of the same mindset, they'll just say marriage is hard put up with it don't be weak.
Can I ask what is both of your heritage? The part about marriage is hard, put up with it almost sounds like something you would hear on the indian sub-continent, and to them, is acceptable.if this is the case, i suspect gathering some elders from both sides of the table to mediate and see what happens...
(p.s. if i have it totally wrong i apologise)!
Hoofy said:
She's manipulating and controlling you.
She needs a therapist not a husband. Speak to her family about splitting up if she won't act calmly.
I'm really surprised it's taken this far for someone else to say it, but this all reeks of coercive control - the constantly putting you down, moving goalposts etc, all done to throw you off. The "if you leave me I'll kill myself" is a classic move in these situations.She needs a therapist not a husband. Speak to her family about splitting up if she won't act calmly.
To all saying that the OP is a troll, pointing out that he keeps going back, victims on average go back to their abuser 7 times before leaving for good, and that is what this is, abuse.
I've not been in a situation like this, but there are many resources to help you through it - please speak to them as they are the experts
Consigliere said:
TheGreatDane said:
Yes but they are of the same mindset, they'll just say marriage is hard put up with it don't be weak.
Can I ask what is both of your heritage? The part about marriage is hard, put up with it almost sounds like something you would hear on the indian sub-continent, and to them, is acceptable.if this is the case, i suspect gathering some elders from both sides of the table to mediate and see what happens...
(p.s. if i have it totally wrong i apologise)!
All the abuse of the OP is not helpful.
I don't usually respond to threads like these, I usually just roll my eyes as the bitter PH divorcees come crawling out of the woodwork with their pathetic SWT tales of doom and move on.
Me and the missus just celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary, so let's put one myth to rest: marriage isn't hard, or it shouldn't be - if it is, you're doing it wrong or, more likely, with someone you should never have married in the first place. There may be hard times, but they come and go regardless of marital status.
Anyway, to the OP: my brother-in-law was with someone that sounds just like your wife for several years. Fortunately, they never got around to marrying (but it was on the cards) and he managed to get out of it. The thing is, it broke him. He's still broken now, eight years later. Don't let this happen to you. Get out now - it will only get harder the longer you leave it.
Me and the missus just celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary, so let's put one myth to rest: marriage isn't hard, or it shouldn't be - if it is, you're doing it wrong or, more likely, with someone you should never have married in the first place. There may be hard times, but they come and go regardless of marital status.
Anyway, to the OP: my brother-in-law was with someone that sounds just like your wife for several years. Fortunately, they never got around to marrying (but it was on the cards) and he managed to get out of it. The thing is, it broke him. He's still broken now, eight years later. Don't let this happen to you. Get out now - it will only get harder the longer you leave it.
Edited by judas on Wednesday 12th June 15:48
GliderRider said:
The problem with this approach is that its delegating responsibility for the decision. If the elders decide that the OP should just try harder at his marriage, and he goes ahead and divorces her anyway, he has rejected their advice and alienated them. The OP is the one living with this, so it must be his decision and his alone. He can and should inform both families and his wife of his decisions and the reasons for it, however he must make the call himself.
All the abuse of the OP is not helpful.
Agreed BUT he needs a platform to say, what she is doing is not OK, if they agree with him maybe and try talk some sense into her, some ground can be made, if not, then he has to make the call.All the abuse of the OP is not helpful.
These days relationships are not helped at all by what people see on social media, and their perception of a happy marriage is largely skewed.
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