Parents moving away
Discussion
It sounds like your mother is being led on a bit to make the move by the Step Father. He won't be bothered as I bet he can't believe she'll leave her own mother this far away myself, feels rather wrong.
Who owns the estate as well, is he trying to release capital when he can through your mother?
But as said, treat this as the opportunity to not give a fk and make that perfectly clear.
Families are funny, you could argue that someone too into grandkids is interfering and influences them too much.
Who owns the estate as well, is he trying to release capital when he can through your mother?
But as said, treat this as the opportunity to not give a fk and make that perfectly clear.
Families are funny, you could argue that someone too into grandkids is interfering and influences them too much.
S100HP said:
I've thought about posting this for a few days, no doubt opening myself up for ridicule but sometimes "its good to talk", and it might be good to get some other perspective from people who have been in a similar situation.
For clarity, I'm a 40 year old bloke with a wife and 2 kids (10 & 6). We live on the South Coast. Her parents and my mother/stepdad live local (within 5 miles). My dad/step-mum are also within 15 miles. My only surviving grandparent (Nan) also lives in this area.
My mothers close friend has recently moved to Cumbria, and she/stepdad went to visit them last week and really enjoyed the area. My mother is horsey which is obviously a lifestyle etc, and whilst she has that here (stables in the garden, field down the lane opposite and riding straight out onto the New Forest) they have decided they too are aiming to move to Cumbria, near to their friends. They can sell their lovely house down here, by a place with land etc up there.
Whilst ultimately its nothing to do with me, I'm struggling with this idea. I flit between being really positive for them and really pissed off. They were fairly negative about their friends moving initially and didn't understand why they were doing it.
On the one hand I totally see the positives. The scenery is incredible, its quieter, you get more for your money (not that they need more, as they're not doing it to downsize or release capital) and they will be near their closest friends. My stepdad is originally from Newcastle area and his sister is still up there.
...but on the other hand I'm finding the idea incredibly selfish on their part. It seems that horsey lifestyle takes priority for her (as it has done my whole life tbf) and she is willing to move 300 miles, 6hr drive away from us and my kids so she can play horses.
Whilst she hasn't been the greatest grandparent to my kids, she has always been local. She obviously loves them dearly and is always good with them, and we can pop in whenever. She comes and looks after them occasionally when we go out, very occasionally picks them up from school if we need help, comes to school plays, that kind of stuff. They've never had a sleepover there as my stepdad isn't the most tolerant with kids. She also lives just around the corner from her mother, whos eyesight is failing and is in the latter years of her life. Shes just about clinging onto independence...
I'm really struggling to get my head round the mentality of her to move that far away from us all. Just to up sticks and move 6hrs away from my kids mostly. She'll barely see them. Its not like we can just pop up for a weekend, due to the distance, and even if we could we'd be very unlikely to be able to stay with them due to the way my stepdad is with the kids. At a guess we'd probably manage a 5 day trip once a year and then maybe I'd pop up on my own once or twice a year, delivering my Nan up there and then collecting her some weeks later maybe, assuming she doesn't move too (she called me in tears yesterday as its thrown things up in the air for her too)
The thing is, if I could move to Wales, the Isle of Wight or Devon (for example) I probably would, so I don't begrudge them moving to somewhere new and exciting, but its just so far away! I'm just really struggling to get my head around this.
I mean there is a possibility she hates us all and is trying to get as far away as possible so she doesn't have to see us....
Op, if you're still on the thread, I think you could be about to have an absolute result. For clarity, I'm a 40 year old bloke with a wife and 2 kids (10 & 6). We live on the South Coast. Her parents and my mother/stepdad live local (within 5 miles). My dad/step-mum are also within 15 miles. My only surviving grandparent (Nan) also lives in this area.
My mothers close friend has recently moved to Cumbria, and she/stepdad went to visit them last week and really enjoyed the area. My mother is horsey which is obviously a lifestyle etc, and whilst she has that here (stables in the garden, field down the lane opposite and riding straight out onto the New Forest) they have decided they too are aiming to move to Cumbria, near to their friends. They can sell their lovely house down here, by a place with land etc up there.
Whilst ultimately its nothing to do with me, I'm struggling with this idea. I flit between being really positive for them and really pissed off. They were fairly negative about their friends moving initially and didn't understand why they were doing it.
On the one hand I totally see the positives. The scenery is incredible, its quieter, you get more for your money (not that they need more, as they're not doing it to downsize or release capital) and they will be near their closest friends. My stepdad is originally from Newcastle area and his sister is still up there.
...but on the other hand I'm finding the idea incredibly selfish on their part. It seems that horsey lifestyle takes priority for her (as it has done my whole life tbf) and she is willing to move 300 miles, 6hr drive away from us and my kids so she can play horses.
Whilst she hasn't been the greatest grandparent to my kids, she has always been local. She obviously loves them dearly and is always good with them, and we can pop in whenever. She comes and looks after them occasionally when we go out, very occasionally picks them up from school if we need help, comes to school plays, that kind of stuff. They've never had a sleepover there as my stepdad isn't the most tolerant with kids. She also lives just around the corner from her mother, whos eyesight is failing and is in the latter years of her life. Shes just about clinging onto independence...
I'm really struggling to get my head round the mentality of her to move that far away from us all. Just to up sticks and move 6hrs away from my kids mostly. She'll barely see them. Its not like we can just pop up for a weekend, due to the distance, and even if we could we'd be very unlikely to be able to stay with them due to the way my stepdad is with the kids. At a guess we'd probably manage a 5 day trip once a year and then maybe I'd pop up on my own once or twice a year, delivering my Nan up there and then collecting her some weeks later maybe, assuming she doesn't move too (she called me in tears yesterday as its thrown things up in the air for her too)
The thing is, if I could move to Wales, the Isle of Wight or Devon (for example) I probably would, so I don't begrudge them moving to somewhere new and exciting, but its just so far away! I'm just really struggling to get my head around this.
I mean there is a possibility she hates us all and is trying to get as far away as possible so she doesn't have to see us....
Option A: You are suddenly forced (and when I say 'forced' I mean that as a normal human you just aren't going to not help your grandmother) to do a bit more to support your granny. You can do this on your own terms and with a plan and it you're young and it'll only be for a few years.
Option B: Stinky, useless horse bint and some defective dude who fancies crazy horse women do that job but you then have to wipe both their arses endlessly when you're in your 60s and wanting that spare time to help your children with your grandchildren.
It's Option A all day long. It's a no brainer.
Just hold the farewell do for horse lady and defective lad at the local crematorium incase they have some weird illusion that you will somehow be spending your free time from work hauling your entire family to some random place riddled with rain soaked, old people when you have a ferry to France a few miles away. Say your farewells and then go home, get changed out of your mourning suits and punch the air.
This is finally your moment of freedom from a pair of losers who would be sapping you of your retirement if they hung around.
And if someone hasn't already done it, there will soon by services that use AI to send these people Christmas cards etc.
Your big risk is that the weird dude drops dead too early and your mother thinks she can return to have you help with the donkeys but life is full of risks but the upside here that is being offered to you is immense and if you were being selfish you'd seize it with both arms and get them gone to the north asap. They're not really helping with their grandchildren. They probably won't help that much with your grandmother and you can't move away due to your children and work but they can do help them get gone.
shtu said:
Donkey speaks a lot of sense. Rather than a problem, it sounds like a solution.
Not very politely put but sometimes you just have to boil a situation down to the core parts and look at what's in it for you and your family in a cold, selfish manner in order to see with clarity. And on paper these two people do not appear to be adding anything significant but if they remain local will be a potential huge drain in the future if they remain local. And a step father who is no good with grandchildren is of no use to anyone and a mother who prefers horses can go and do that elsewhere and not be a burden to others. MYOB said:
A lot of you seem to miss the point that his mum is moving away from her own mother, leaving the OP to be the sole person responsible for caring for his grandmother who is “end of life”.
This. Some posters seem to forget that kids don't choose to be brought into the world, that's a decision made by parents and you don't stop being a parent when the kids become adults.
From experience, the parents with the attitude of "I've done my parenting bit, your problem" are the ones that sit around alone, raging at the world and wondering why their kids and grand kids don't come to visit.
In this case, OP's mother isn't just abandoning her grandkids, she's shirking the responsibility of looking after her own mother and you can guarantee in the future when she needs help herself she'll be expecting it from OP.
Oakey said:
you can guarantee in the future when she needs help herself she'll be expecting it from OP.
Well she can absolutely get f
ked. Had a huge row last weekend on the phone. Lots of backwards and forwards, looking for validation etc. I warned her not to have the discussion as she'd not like my thoughts lots of "it's what I want to do", "it's what I've always wanted" that kind of thing, coupled with the "am I supposed to stay here for a 10min visit once a week" which I explained was far more to do with how my stepdad is with the kids....how she's never had them for a sleepover etc. She also said "why should I stay and look after my mum, I've got a brother who can do his fair share"....it wasn't an overly nice conversation.
She really didn't like it when I said she was chasing after her friends to play horses and go drinking...nor did he. She told him that bit and I could here him ranting in the background about I should "shut the hell up and keep my stupid opinions to myself" etc.
So I did. I hung up. Not spoken to her since. I'm absolutely done with this. The whole thing is stupid. They can obviously do whatever they want, but good luck to future them, because they're on their own.
Digging into this a bit more with my wife, I think this is far more to do with him and my upbringing. She says based on what she knows, I was an abused child. Emotionally and physically, as has my mother been. Why she put up with it I'll never know, but I suspect it's more to do with the lifestyle he provides. I've spent 40 years placating him, trying not to upset him etc. absolutely done with him.
Edited by S100HP on Sunday 31st March 19:39
S100HP said:
Well she can absolutely get fked.
That's the spirit. ked.
Pretty clear from what you've posted here that they really don't give a stuff, so let them get on with it.Care Less (tm)
I adopted the Care Less system a few years ago when dealing with "family", and it really has made my life much happier. I strongly recommend it.
Edited by shtu on Sunday 31st March 19:42
I'll just put my professional hat on for a moment.
Resentment is drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
The best long term solution in situations such as these is often to let the other person(s) go and to be happy for them.
Tell your mother that (not through gritted teeth) and then move on with your life.
The less time you spend ruminating and upsetting yourself over this the better.
Don't allow her and your step-father any more time living inside your head rent free.
You have better/healthier parts of your life to get on with.
/therapist.
Resentment is drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
The best long term solution in situations such as these is often to let the other person(s) go and to be happy for them.
Tell your mother that (not through gritted teeth) and then move on with your life.
The less time you spend ruminating and upsetting yourself over this the better.
Don't allow her and your step-father any more time living inside your head rent free.
You have better/healthier parts of your life to get on with.
/therapist.
Update time.
About a month after my last update was posted we'd still not spoken. I decided to be the grown up and messaged to see if she wanted to meet for a dog walk with kids, which we did. Life is too short to leave on bad terms. I asked her about the house etc to show interest. We saw her once again a week or so later but that's about it really. They are pretty close to exchanging now, I'll be surprised if it's not this week, with a moving date some time in June.
I feel really weird about the whole thing. I think about it constantly, and I don't really know why. I find it hurtful, as does my nan, but we can't stop her, not should we. I also think it's rather tragic that they're chasing their friends like this. Also, the house isn't even that nice! I've seen a walkthrough video from the estate agents and the place needs loads of work. I can't believe they're giving up what they have for something that's going to take years to get how they want, but maybe that's the appeal. A purpose for them.
About a month after my last update was posted we'd still not spoken. I decided to be the grown up and messaged to see if she wanted to meet for a dog walk with kids, which we did. Life is too short to leave on bad terms. I asked her about the house etc to show interest. We saw her once again a week or so later but that's about it really. They are pretty close to exchanging now, I'll be surprised if it's not this week, with a moving date some time in June.
I feel really weird about the whole thing. I think about it constantly, and I don't really know why. I find it hurtful, as does my nan, but we can't stop her, not should we. I also think it's rather tragic that they're chasing their friends like this. Also, the house isn't even that nice! I've seen a walkthrough video from the estate agents and the place needs loads of work. I can't believe they're giving up what they have for something that's going to take years to get how they want, but maybe that's the appeal. A purpose for them.
We are finally at the end point. After a few weeks of waiting they finally have a moving date, which I knew was imminent.
Tomorrow (Friday). I got told via text message at 0450 on Thursday morning. Removal people have turned up this evening and are loading up the house in order to depart tomorrow morning. No visit to say goodbye, to either myself or my Nan, and not a word to my step sister, who only knows because I've kept her in the loop.
I hope they enjoy themselves.
Tomorrow (Friday). I got told via text message at 0450 on Thursday morning. Removal people have turned up this evening and are loading up the house in order to depart tomorrow morning. No visit to say goodbye, to either myself or my Nan, and not a word to my step sister, who only knows because I've kept her in the loop.
I hope they enjoy themselves.
S100HP said:
We are finally at the end point. After a few weeks of waiting they finally have a moving date, which I knew was imminent.
Tomorrow (Friday). I got told via text message at 0450 on Thursday morning. Removal people have turned up this evening and are loading up the house in order to depart tomorrow morning. No visit to say goodbye, to either myself or my Nan, and not a word to my step sister, who only knows because I've kept her in the loop.
I hope they enjoy themselves.
One less thing to worry about ... Tomorrow (Friday). I got told via text message at 0450 on Thursday morning. Removal people have turned up this evening and are loading up the house in order to depart tomorrow morning. No visit to say goodbye, to either myself or my Nan, and not a word to my step sister, who only knows because I've kept her in the loop.
I hope they enjoy themselves.
Bonus if she changes her phone number.
Just look after yourself and the ones you care about. Don't waste energy on others.
S100HP said:
We are finally at the end point. After a few weeks of waiting they finally have a moving date, which I knew was imminent.
Tomorrow (Friday). I got told via text message at 0450 on Thursday morning. Removal people have turned up this evening and are loading up the house in order to depart tomorrow morning. No visit to say goodbye, to either myself or my Nan, and not a word to my step sister, who only knows because I've kept her in the loop.
I hope they enjoy themselves.
Congratulations. Today is the first day of a new and happy chapter in your life. Tomorrow (Friday). I got told via text message at 0450 on Thursday morning. Removal people have turned up this evening and are loading up the house in order to depart tomorrow morning. No visit to say goodbye, to either myself or my Nan, and not a word to my step sister, who only knows because I've kept her in the loop.
I hope they enjoy themselves.
Weirdo step-grandad who can't be around kids for too long has gone. Play your cards right and you won't see that chap again.
Your mother has legged it to avoid having to live ok after your granny, her mother. You won't be seeing her until the day after your granny passes when she will have driven through the night to take all granny's money before disappearing asap.
Your kids have escaped a pair of losers and have the other grand parents to fill their important memories with and you get to spend time with your granny.
So enjoy celebrating your freedom this weekend with the family that you have chosen and the family that you're responsible for.
After the weekend it will be time to knuckle down to a bit of work. You have a couple of things to be doing. Firstly, you need to get to work on granny to skip your mother in the will and if there is any money have it shared out across great grandchildren. Granny might like that idea your mother is of the chosen generation and loses, while you are an oppressed Millennial burdened with crippling house prices and costs of living and your children might never be able to have their home, but granny could fix that. Get the daughter bypassed and there'll be no reason for her to be coming back down. The second bit of work is to start planning how you will avoid being your mother's bum wiper. At some point the step father being a Northerner will have his heart attack and this will coincide with your mother becoming too old to ride horses and the probable discovery as to why everyone was so keen to be following those other people around the country. Lonely and in weakening health she will be requiring a benefactor and supporter which of course she will initially assume is you. Her long term plan will be for you to spend your retirement wiping her arse. You want to avoid that. Unless she is minted and you are the guaranteed recipient in which case it becomes a business transaction but I'd still swerve and bin the cash, especially if you had managed to get granny to leave her estate to your children.
Anyway, the point of the rambling post is for you to enjoy the sunshine this weekend with your chosen family, who are all that matters when it comes to the crunch. Celebrate that your family unit just became better. Your kids have other grandparents so don't even begin to worry about them. Go and get your granny and have a bbq. She might be feeling a bit down but being with her grandchild and great grand children will be a lovely afternoon.
fourstardan said:
It sounds like your mother is being led on a bit to make the move by the Step Father. He won't be bothered as I bet he can't believe she'll leave her own mother this far away myself, feels rather wrong.
Who owns the estate as well, is he trying to release capital when he can through your mother?
But as said, treat this as the opportunity to not give a fk and make that perfectly clear.
Families are funny, you could argue that someone too into grandkids is interfering and influences them too much.
All this close family concern comes over as very OTT to some of us. Many families, and individuals, aren't too bothered about their own family, how far away they are or how many grandchildren now exist. Who owns the estate as well, is he trying to release capital when he can through your mother?
But as said, treat this as the opportunity to not give a fk and make that perfectly clear.
Families are funny, you could argue that someone too into grandkids is interfering and influences them too much.
They really don't want to live their lives caring and worrying about lots of other people - our lives are comparatively short anyway and it's logical that many of us will want to make sizeable changes at various times.
Distance is no real argument these days, particularly when many families are happy with just, say, an annual visit.
Vasco said:
fourstardan said:
It sounds like your mother is being led on a bit to make the move by the Step Father. He won't be bothered as I bet he can't believe she'll leave her own mother this far away myself, feels rather wrong.
Who owns the estate as well, is he trying to release capital when he can through your mother?
But as said, treat this as the opportunity to not give a fk and make that perfectly clear.
Families are funny, you could argue that someone too into grandkids is interfering and influences them too much.
All this close family concern comes over as very OTT to some of us. Many families, and individuals, aren't too bothered about their own family, how far away they are or how many grandchildren now exist. Who owns the estate as well, is he trying to release capital when he can through your mother?
But as said, treat this as the opportunity to not give a fk and make that perfectly clear.
Families are funny, you could argue that someone too into grandkids is interfering and influences them too much.
They really don't want to live their lives caring and worrying about lots of other people - our lives are comparatively short anyway and it's logical that many of us will want to make sizeable changes at various times.
Distance is no real argument these days, particularly when many families are happy with just, say, an annual visit.
Location makes no odds really, most of my family have lived abroad at some point in their lives. Everyone just wished them all the best, let us know how you're getting on etc and strucutred the odd holiday around meeting them on new turf.
Tango13 said:
O/P
Listen to and take heed of everything Donkey Apple has posted in this thread
I’d agree here. Listen to and take heed of everything Donkey Apple has posted in this thread
I would also add one more thing: the long term impact of your relationship with mother (and your step father in particular) should not be underestimated. As you move to a low/no contact scenario it may be wise to seek some professional help (therapy) to give you the tools to move on in a constructive way for you.
Or, as I do in these situations, take a deep breath and think f
k ‘em.OMITN said:
Or, as I do in these situations, take a deep breath and think fk ‘em.
Budget self healing. It works wonders. No professional councillor is going to give better advice more efficiently than you can can give yourself. k ‘em.At 40, with children, a wife and other grandparents locally there no logical reason to be not wanting one's mother to go off and be free. The only person to really be concerned over is the grandmother who sounds like she is entering that 'wind down' phase and was arguably going to benefit hugely from having her daughter drop in to check on things and do the little jobs. The OP just needs to step in for that and otherwise just enjoy being the patriarch at 40, not the son and looking after the kids alongside his wife.
He just needs to try to futureproof himself from the inevitable prodigal return.
DonkeyApple said:
OMITN said:
Or, as I do in these situations, take a deep breath and think fk ‘em.
Budget self healing. It works wonders. No professional councillor is going to give better advice more efficiently than you can can give yourself. k ‘em.t.”Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff