Parents moving away
Discussion
MYOB said:
A lot of you seem to miss the point that his mum is moving away from her own mother, leaving the OP to be the sole person responsible for caring for his grandmother who is “end of life”.
Fair point. I missed that in the original post. But tbf, rereading it was a brief mentioning buried in a post centering on the mother’s actions and his and his kids relationships. MYOB said:
A lot of you seem to miss the point that his mum is moving away from her own mother, leaving the OP to be the sole person responsible for caring for his grandmother who is “end of life”.
This is a point, but it seems the primary reason for the OP's anger is the fact that his mother is moving away from her grandchildren (his kids)This is odd. OP - it's your mother's choice as to whether she is close to her grandchildren. If she doesn't want to be, just (continue to, one assumes) be a great parent.
Kids needs great parents to flourish, they don't need grandparents to flourish.
I'm in a similar boat in a sense in that my Dad is looking to move 3 hours away. He doesn't understand why we aren't happy for him.
I've replied that we are, but we will miss him - it's not the same as being 20 mins away like they are now. He'll also have no support network in his old age.
His reasoning is that people can come and stay at his new place to visit, however I know that with commitments at home, this won't happen apart from maybe once a year.
But it's his life. I'm not angry about it; I'm pleased that he's going somewhere he's going to enjoy, not bitter about what he won't get to enjoy near me.
MYOB said:
A lot of you seem to miss the point that his mum is moving away from her own mother, leaving the OP to be the sole person responsible for caring for his grandmother who is “end of life”.
I don't have an answer to this, but would you rather a grandmother was in the hands of someone who cares, or someone who's not really showing an interest but looks after her because that's the done thing?MYOB said:
A lot of you seem to miss the point that his mum is moving away from her own mother, leaving the OP to be the sole person responsible for caring for his grandmother who is “end of life”.
In fairness, she is elderly / fraility at most, certainly not EOL - that particular wording means they have been sent home from hopsital or their care facility to pass away in their own homes, where there is nothing further medically that can be done to support or improve their. condition.She is not this at all, shes living alone, recently moved to be able to be more self-sufficient without transport requirements ... thats pretty far from EOL.
She will be at some point in the future, but thats not now, and do people only have children to look after and support them when they are old? If so, thats a pretty rubbish and self-centered approach to breeding!
Blib said:
OP.
Resentment is akin to drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
@ OP - This remains the most important thing! Resentment is akin to drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
TLDR: cast away the bitterness and let your mother make her own choices. No situation is perfect and you’ll eat yourself up trying to create something that your mother clearly doesn’t value as highly as you do.
I’ve responded previously on this thread. From my own experience, you cannot engineer a perfect situation from imperfect circumstances.
In this case, you’re not going to have a mother who her grandchildren know well. It’s just not going to happen. Your children/her grandchildren have no reference point of perfect: they will develop their own understanding of who they see and when.
Honestly, it’s going to be OK. If your mother is making choices that she sees less of her grandchildren than your in-laws, then that’s your mother’s problem (if she sees it as a problem at all). The kids will be just fine! So try not to project onto them….
Please don’t be bitter about it. It’s just a fact of life that many people experience. As I think I’ve said before, she is never going to be the grandmother or mother (or daughter) that you would like her to be. That’s disappointing, but people often are. Focus your energy on being the best human you can be for the benefit of you our wife and children.
As for your grandmother, yes you are going to be drawn into her care. She’s sounds fit and able at 87 (an aspiration for all of us!). Make sure your kids see their great grandma - not many get one of those! And if your own mother doesn’t pull her weight when it comes to care, again that’s a choice she makes. You do the best you can do for your grandmother and be the better man.
Having read some of the earlier OP posts, I'd help them pack and send them off with some extra hay for Dobbin.
- Mother doesn't care about anything that doesn't have hooves.*
- Stepfather can't be trusted alone with your kids, in case he batters them.
And you think you want MORE of that in your life? Nah, good riddance.
The best advice I can give here, which sounds flippant but really isn't, is "care less". Their life choices are not your responsibility, or making them care about your kids more, etc., no matter how much you think they should - they don't, and it's not up to you. Put yourself first, immediate family second, oddballs that don't give a stuff anyway a distant third.
Ultimately, if the time comes when they feel isolated and think that you should visit more, help them more, etc., that's the time to point out that you can't what with having family and home responsibilities at home, not many hours up the M6. Their choice, their problem.
Care Less (tm)
* very, very common approach to life among horsey types. Family and friends will be a vague, distant thought behind Dobbin's needs.
- Mother doesn't care about anything that doesn't have hooves.*
- Stepfather can't be trusted alone with your kids, in case he batters them.
And you think you want MORE of that in your life? Nah, good riddance.
The best advice I can give here, which sounds flippant but really isn't, is "care less". Their life choices are not your responsibility, or making them care about your kids more, etc., no matter how much you think they should - they don't, and it's not up to you. Put yourself first, immediate family second, oddballs that don't give a stuff anyway a distant third.
Ultimately, if the time comes when they feel isolated and think that you should visit more, help them more, etc., that's the time to point out that you can't what with having family and home responsibilities at home, not many hours up the M6. Their choice, their problem.
Care Less (tm)
* very, very common approach to life among horsey types. Family and friends will be a vague, distant thought behind Dobbin's needs.
She'll soon get sick of it, it pisses down here constantly.
Sorry not read every post, it strikes me that all you can do is have a heart to heart it won't change anything but at least you'll communicate your issues and feelings.
My wife's home town is also a 6 hour drive away so I do have some experience and sympathy although obviously this has always been the case. We go up maybe 3-4 times a year maximum we treat it like a holiday, the costs do add up however and despite when we have been in good weather it never 100% feels like a holiday. My father in law past a few years back, my MiL has been down here once in the almost 20 years we've been together, to be fair she doesn't drive and now is at an age where the transport links would put me off too being at least x3 trains two of which are nearly as quick walking. Our kids are almost 8 and 5, I do have respect for grandparents who want to lead their own lives, some seem to be a necessity when it comes to child care. I can see why some take the attitude they've raised their kids so can't be arsed doing it again.
I think it boils down to what sort of relationship they want to have with their grandkids, which granted is much more difficult when you're six hours away plus your step father does sound like a dick. My parents divorced and my dad lived abroad for years, one of the reasons he moved back was so he could spend time with his six grand kids. My mother tries to split her time between then all but my youngest sister does use her as a bit or free childcare/skivy at times, she's 66 still works PT as a nurse and can imagine it's bloody tiring as hers are 6 months and 4.
Good luck OP.
Sorry not read every post, it strikes me that all you can do is have a heart to heart it won't change anything but at least you'll communicate your issues and feelings.
My wife's home town is also a 6 hour drive away so I do have some experience and sympathy although obviously this has always been the case. We go up maybe 3-4 times a year maximum we treat it like a holiday, the costs do add up however and despite when we have been in good weather it never 100% feels like a holiday. My father in law past a few years back, my MiL has been down here once in the almost 20 years we've been together, to be fair she doesn't drive and now is at an age where the transport links would put me off too being at least x3 trains two of which are nearly as quick walking. Our kids are almost 8 and 5, I do have respect for grandparents who want to lead their own lives, some seem to be a necessity when it comes to child care. I can see why some take the attitude they've raised their kids so can't be arsed doing it again.
I think it boils down to what sort of relationship they want to have with their grandkids, which granted is much more difficult when you're six hours away plus your step father does sound like a dick. My parents divorced and my dad lived abroad for years, one of the reasons he moved back was so he could spend time with his six grand kids. My mother tries to split her time between then all but my youngest sister does use her as a bit or free childcare/skivy at times, she's 66 still works PT as a nurse and can imagine it's bloody tiring as hers are 6 months and 4.
Good luck OP.
shtu said:
Having read some of the earlier OP posts, I'd help them pack and send them off with some extra hay for Dobbin.
- Mother doesn't care about anything that doesn't have hooves.*
- Stepfather can't be trusted alone with your kids, in case he batters them.
And you think you want MORE of that in your life? Nah, good riddance.
The best advice I can give here, which sounds flippant but really isn't, is "care less". Their life choices are not your responsibility, or making them care about your kids more, etc., no matter how much you think they should - they don't, and it's not up to you. Put yourself first, immediate family second, oddballs that don't give a stuff anyway a distant third.
Ultimately, if the time comes when they feel isolated and think that you should visit more, help them more, etc., that's the time to point out that you can't what with having family and home responsibilities at home, not many hours up the M6. Their choice, their problem.
Care Less (tm)
* very, very common approach to life among horsey types. Family and friends will be a vague, distant thought behind Dobbin's needs.
Very good post.- Mother doesn't care about anything that doesn't have hooves.*
- Stepfather can't be trusted alone with your kids, in case he batters them.
And you think you want MORE of that in your life? Nah, good riddance.
The best advice I can give here, which sounds flippant but really isn't, is "care less". Their life choices are not your responsibility, or making them care about your kids more, etc., no matter how much you think they should - they don't, and it's not up to you. Put yourself first, immediate family second, oddballs that don't give a stuff anyway a distant third.
Ultimately, if the time comes when they feel isolated and think that you should visit more, help them more, etc., that's the time to point out that you can't what with having family and home responsibilities at home, not many hours up the M6. Their choice, their problem.
Care Less (tm)
* very, very common approach to life among horsey types. Family and friends will be a vague, distant thought behind Dobbin's needs.
OP, I can imagine as your mother gets older and in increasing need of medical care (especially if your stepfather predeceases her) then she will have a different take on things.
For now she wants to "go on our journey" so the best you can do is support that, even if through gritted teeth. There is no obligation on any parent or child to remain forever in close residence to their child/parent respectively. My son's best friend at school (age 9) is from Brazil. He gets to see his grandparents in person once a year, if lucky. Everyone in their family is totally fine with this.
My sister-in-law has upped sticks and moved her family to a completely different area of the country that they have no connections with, a 4hr drive away. The commonly held view amongst the rest of the family is that she has done a runner to avoid her share of caring for her mother, so that falls on my wife and one of her brothers, mostly. The S-I-L feigns concern but really can't be bothered, that's her prerogative. Your mother may be feeling the same regarding her mother.
Just get on with being the best Dad you can be to your own kids. That's what they will remember most, not some grandparent who wasn't that bothered about seeing them. Your kids have got two other sets of grandparents within 20 miles, and there is such a thing a Skype/Facetime etc.
Edited by PurpleTurtle on Wednesday 20th March 15:32
POORCARDEALER said:
Horses come right at the top of the list for some people - rule your life totally.
Our last one passed away 3 years ago and I do feel that my life has returned since
We bought 2 ponies just before covid hit........1 for Mrs LL to get back into it after not riding for 35 yrs in her retirement.......2 we had been paying for grandaughter to have riding lessons for the last 2 years............go out together..... ideal.Our last one passed away 3 years ago and I do feel that my life has returned since
Except wife went back to work months after retiring and she now hardly ever gets enough time to do anything because of work, family and her 90 yr old mother needing looking after and grandaughter also lost all interest entirely.........so guess who is now Input and Output manager 24/7 and too big to ride either of them?
LimmerickLad said:
POORCARDEALER said:
Horses come right at the top of the list for some people - rule your life totally.
Our last one passed away 3 years ago and I do feel that my life has returned since
We bought 2 ponies just before covid hit........1 for Mrs LL to get back into it after not riding for 35 yrs in her retirement.......2 we had been paying for grandaughter to have riding lessons for the last 2 years............go out together..... ideal.Our last one passed away 3 years ago and I do feel that my life has returned since
Except wife went back to work months after retiring and she now hardly ever gets enough time to do anything because of work, family and her 90 yr old mother needing looking after and grandaughter also lost all interest entirely.........so guess who is now Input and Output manager 24/7 and too big to ride either of them?
LimmerickLad said:
POORCARDEALER said:
Horses come right at the top of the list for some people - rule your life totally.
Our last one passed away 3 years ago and I do feel that my life has returned since
We bought 2 ponies just before covid hit........1 for Mrs LL to get back into it after not riding for 35 yrs in her retirement.......2 we had been paying for grandaughter to have riding lessons for the last 2 years............go out together..... ideal.Our last one passed away 3 years ago and I do feel that my life has returned since
Except wife went back to work months after retiring and she now hardly ever gets enough time to do anything because of work, family and her 90 yr old mother needing looking after and grandaughter also lost all interest entirely.........so guess who is now Input and Output manager 24/7 and too big to ride either of them?
It sounds like your mother is being led on a bit to make the move by the Step Father. He won't be bothered as I bet he can't believe she'll leave her own mother this far away myself, feels rather wrong.
Who owns the estate as well, is he trying to release capital when he can through your mother?
But as said, treat this as the opportunity to not give a fk and make that perfectly clear.
Families are funny, you could argue that someone too into grandkids is interfering and influences them too much.
Who owns the estate as well, is he trying to release capital when he can through your mother?
But as said, treat this as the opportunity to not give a fk and make that perfectly clear.
Families are funny, you could argue that someone too into grandkids is interfering and influences them too much.
S100HP said:
I've thought about posting this for a few days, no doubt opening myself up for ridicule but sometimes "its good to talk", and it might be good to get some other perspective from people who have been in a similar situation.
For clarity, I'm a 40 year old bloke with a wife and 2 kids (10 & 6). We live on the South Coast. Her parents and my mother/stepdad live local (within 5 miles). My dad/step-mum are also within 15 miles. My only surviving grandparent (Nan) also lives in this area.
My mothers close friend has recently moved to Cumbria, and she/stepdad went to visit them last week and really enjoyed the area. My mother is horsey which is obviously a lifestyle etc, and whilst she has that here (stables in the garden, field down the lane opposite and riding straight out onto the New Forest) they have decided they too are aiming to move to Cumbria, near to their friends. They can sell their lovely house down here, by a place with land etc up there.
Whilst ultimately its nothing to do with me, I'm struggling with this idea. I flit between being really positive for them and really pissed off. They were fairly negative about their friends moving initially and didn't understand why they were doing it.
On the one hand I totally see the positives. The scenery is incredible, its quieter, you get more for your money (not that they need more, as they're not doing it to downsize or release capital) and they will be near their closest friends. My stepdad is originally from Newcastle area and his sister is still up there.
...but on the other hand I'm finding the idea incredibly selfish on their part. It seems that horsey lifestyle takes priority for her (as it has done my whole life tbf) and she is willing to move 300 miles, 6hr drive away from us and my kids so she can play horses.
Whilst she hasn't been the greatest grandparent to my kids, she has always been local. She obviously loves them dearly and is always good with them, and we can pop in whenever. She comes and looks after them occasionally when we go out, very occasionally picks them up from school if we need help, comes to school plays, that kind of stuff. They've never had a sleepover there as my stepdad isn't the most tolerant with kids. She also lives just around the corner from her mother, whos eyesight is failing and is in the latter years of her life. Shes just about clinging onto independence...
I'm really struggling to get my head round the mentality of her to move that far away from us all. Just to up sticks and move 6hrs away from my kids mostly. She'll barely see them. Its not like we can just pop up for a weekend, due to the distance, and even if we could we'd be very unlikely to be able to stay with them due to the way my stepdad is with the kids. At a guess we'd probably manage a 5 day trip once a year and then maybe I'd pop up on my own once or twice a year, delivering my Nan up there and then collecting her some weeks later maybe, assuming she doesn't move too (she called me in tears yesterday as its thrown things up in the air for her too)
The thing is, if I could move to Wales, the Isle of Wight or Devon (for example) I probably would, so I don't begrudge them moving to somewhere new and exciting, but its just so far away! I'm just really struggling to get my head around this.
I mean there is a possibility she hates us all and is trying to get as far away as possible so she doesn't have to see us....
Op, if you're still on the thread, I think you could be about to have an absolute result. For clarity, I'm a 40 year old bloke with a wife and 2 kids (10 & 6). We live on the South Coast. Her parents and my mother/stepdad live local (within 5 miles). My dad/step-mum are also within 15 miles. My only surviving grandparent (Nan) also lives in this area.
My mothers close friend has recently moved to Cumbria, and she/stepdad went to visit them last week and really enjoyed the area. My mother is horsey which is obviously a lifestyle etc, and whilst she has that here (stables in the garden, field down the lane opposite and riding straight out onto the New Forest) they have decided they too are aiming to move to Cumbria, near to their friends. They can sell their lovely house down here, by a place with land etc up there.
Whilst ultimately its nothing to do with me, I'm struggling with this idea. I flit between being really positive for them and really pissed off. They were fairly negative about their friends moving initially and didn't understand why they were doing it.
On the one hand I totally see the positives. The scenery is incredible, its quieter, you get more for your money (not that they need more, as they're not doing it to downsize or release capital) and they will be near their closest friends. My stepdad is originally from Newcastle area and his sister is still up there.
...but on the other hand I'm finding the idea incredibly selfish on their part. It seems that horsey lifestyle takes priority for her (as it has done my whole life tbf) and she is willing to move 300 miles, 6hr drive away from us and my kids so she can play horses.
Whilst she hasn't been the greatest grandparent to my kids, she has always been local. She obviously loves them dearly and is always good with them, and we can pop in whenever. She comes and looks after them occasionally when we go out, very occasionally picks them up from school if we need help, comes to school plays, that kind of stuff. They've never had a sleepover there as my stepdad isn't the most tolerant with kids. She also lives just around the corner from her mother, whos eyesight is failing and is in the latter years of her life. Shes just about clinging onto independence...
I'm really struggling to get my head round the mentality of her to move that far away from us all. Just to up sticks and move 6hrs away from my kids mostly. She'll barely see them. Its not like we can just pop up for a weekend, due to the distance, and even if we could we'd be very unlikely to be able to stay with them due to the way my stepdad is with the kids. At a guess we'd probably manage a 5 day trip once a year and then maybe I'd pop up on my own once or twice a year, delivering my Nan up there and then collecting her some weeks later maybe, assuming she doesn't move too (she called me in tears yesterday as its thrown things up in the air for her too)
The thing is, if I could move to Wales, the Isle of Wight or Devon (for example) I probably would, so I don't begrudge them moving to somewhere new and exciting, but its just so far away! I'm just really struggling to get my head around this.
I mean there is a possibility she hates us all and is trying to get as far away as possible so she doesn't have to see us....
Option A: You are suddenly forced (and when I say 'forced' I mean that as a normal human you just aren't going to not help your grandmother) to do a bit more to support your granny. You can do this on your own terms and with a plan and it you're young and it'll only be for a few years.
Option B: Stinky, useless horse bint and some defective dude who fancies crazy horse women do that job but you then have to wipe both their arses endlessly when you're in your 60s and wanting that spare time to help your children with your grandchildren.
It's Option A all day long. It's a no brainer.
Just hold the farewell do for horse lady and defective lad at the local crematorium incase they have some weird illusion that you will somehow be spending your free time from work hauling your entire family to some random place riddled with rain soaked, old people when you have a ferry to France a few miles away. Say your farewells and then go home, get changed out of your mourning suits and punch the air.
This is finally your moment of freedom from a pair of losers who would be sapping you of your retirement if they hung around.
And if someone hasn't already done it, there will soon by services that use AI to send these people Christmas cards etc.
Your big risk is that the weird dude drops dead too early and your mother thinks she can return to have you help with the donkeys but life is full of risks but the upside here that is being offered to you is immense and if you were being selfish you'd seize it with both arms and get them gone to the north asap. They're not really helping with their grandchildren. They probably won't help that much with your grandmother and you can't move away due to your children and work but they can do help them get gone.
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