Match.com (Vol. 7)
Discussion
CloudStuff said:
... but I wonder if the whole concept of needing a "spark" is part of the problem...
It absolutely is. And I don't understand why women who are in every other aspect of their life switched on, are savvy and not unrealistic about things, choose to forget all that when on a date with a guy. They must know that "the spark" is super rare inside an hour. But still they persistMy guesses are either
1) They fear the body clock ticking away, they want kids and want the perfect partner for that. As the clock is ticking they aren't going to "waste time" on a guy that only matches 9 of their 14 point criteria when they "must" be a guy out there hitting 13 of them. When of course, we know there isn't.
2) Too much reliance on what movies and tv show us. The instant smouldering feeling with the passion and desire from across a room. With a guy who looks like Chris Hemsworth. Don't get me wrong, he's a good looking boy, and I wouldn't blame any woman for getting a bit excitable if he gave them a look. In the same way if Sydney Sweeney whispered in my ear that she REALLY wanted to play "hide the sausage" with me.
But I suspect these ladies need to realign their expectations with reality.
I know many a lady who have serious crushes on various film actors. The worrying thing is, these ladies seem to not bother with actual relationships in the meantime until said actor "sees the light" and seeks out an 35yo administrator on below average wagesIt probably works both ways. I can't think of many things less attractive than someone who has shagged their way through a succession of short term unsuccessful relationships over a decade or so.
Morality isn't an issue but precedent would be. Chuck in a few kids, a pain in the arse ex and a dose of self delusion and I think I'd rather pay for it and have the rest of the time to myself.
Morality isn't an issue but precedent would be. Chuck in a few kids, a pain in the arse ex and a dose of self delusion and I think I'd rather pay for it and have the rest of the time to myself.
Unreal said:
Morality isn't an issue but precedent would be. Chuck in a few kids, a pain in the arse ex and a dose of self delusion and I think I'd rather pay for it and have the rest of the time to myself.
Especially when they are actually bringing very little to the table yet have completely unrealistic expectations and think their perfect man is going to rock up and take them away from it all. BunkMoreland said:
CloudStuff said:
... but I wonder if the whole concept of needing a "spark" is part of the problem...
It absolutely is. And I don't understand why women who are in every other aspect of their life switched on, are savvy and not unrealistic about things, choose to forget all that when on a date with a guy. They must know that "the spark" is super rare inside an hour. But still they persistIf I don’t think that, convo effort is massively reduced to nothing more than social politeness, boredom is rapidly setting in, watch checking is discretely happening… basically this is just a pointless chat with a random stranger I have no real interest in seeing again, it’s wasting time that would be better spent not here, finish the drinks up, I’m out.
Follow up an hour later with the ‘sorry, no spark’ text.
Capitan Obvio said:
Sod what the other side thinks, I’d bloody well need the spark and immediately think “yup, I’d definitely tap that..” Crude phraseology, I grant you. But true.
If I don’t think that, convo effort is massively reduced to nothing more than social politeness, boredom is rapidly setting in, watch checking is discretely happening… basically this is just a pointless chat with a random stranger I have no real interest in seeing again, it’s wasting time that would be better spent not here, finish the drinks up, I’m out.
Follow up an hour later with the ‘sorry, no spark’ text.
Spot on, not sure why people are equating a spark with some unobtainable ideal.If I don’t think that, convo effort is massively reduced to nothing more than social politeness, boredom is rapidly setting in, watch checking is discretely happening… basically this is just a pointless chat with a random stranger I have no real interest in seeing again, it’s wasting time that would be better spent not here, finish the drinks up, I’m out.
Follow up an hour later with the ‘sorry, no spark’ text.
I need to see my date and fancy her physically fairly immediately, I know my criteria and there is no point continuing if they aren’t there. Usually the photos help avoid obvious pitfalls.
Then it’s about the comfort of the chat, are they smart and a good sense of humour. Then it’s information gathering to identify obvious red flags that I have.
The spark is simply the right combination of the above, that makes me excited about seeing them again.
Adam. said:
Spot on, not sure why people are equating a spark with some unobtainable ideal.
I need to see my date and fancy her physically fairly immediately, I know my criteria and there is no point continuing if they aren’t there. Usually the photos help avoid obvious pitfalls.
Then it’s about the comfort of the chat, are they smart and a good sense of humour. Then it’s information gathering to identify obvious red flags that I have.
The spark is simply the right combination of the above, that makes me excited about seeing them again.
And those are the ones that don't want to see you again! I need to see my date and fancy her physically fairly immediately, I know my criteria and there is no point continuing if they aren’t there. Usually the photos help avoid obvious pitfalls.
Then it’s about the comfort of the chat, are they smart and a good sense of humour. Then it’s information gathering to identify obvious red flags that I have.
The spark is simply the right combination of the above, that makes me excited about seeing them again.
So for the date I mentioned previously:
Fancied her
She hit a lot of my criteria. We had similar interests and hobbies. We lived about 6 miles from each other on the same train line so easy for logistics
Looked like her pics (though smaller boobs than perhaps Id have guessed beforehand
)Comfortable chat I thought. She was smart (bioscience degree) and had a sense of humour. Only downside was the pub we went to was having a "pub quiz" and it was SO loud it meant that we ended up not hearing each other so much at times. Which probably broke the flow too much. The staff asked us if we wanted to enter, but she declined
In terms of red flags. Nothing really. Possible downers were her bringing up her divorce early (It felt like something she had to talk about. I could care less really. Though with hindsight maybe it was still a bit recent/raw) She clearly also wanted to have children (and brought up that her Mum had offered to pay for egg freezing if necessary) Maybe she was looking for me to say "Yes I definitely want kids in the next 6 months" But I cant believe many guys would say that inside 30mins of meeting someone. Maybe she interpreted my lack of "lets get out of here now and get you preggers" as her red flag.
Oh, and although I bought the first drink, when she had drunk it she didn't offer to get another. And that was about 20-25mins in. So I guess she'd already decided. First time in a while I've had a first date not offer to buy a 2nd drink. Even the few that I knew weren't going to work out early always offered.
She also never volunteered her number at any point in the conversations up to our first irl meet. Despite me sending her mine.
I try not to get "excited about seeing them again" nowadays. Too many dates over the years where I've wanted to see them again (or not of course) and it seems a crapshoot whether they agree or not.
Obviously all ladies are slightly different, but I have had several second dates over the years, which hints I'm not totally weird or uncalibrated. But like I said before, wtf do I know about dating!
Adam. said:
So she didn’t fancy you or there was something she didn’t like about you. That’s life.
Oh, I agree. I was just pointing out that it doesn't matter how much I (or anyone) like them. Or indeed what you say or do in the date. First impressions matter of course, but a first date is nervy on both sides and doesn't generally give you the full run down of someone you've just met.It doesn't mean s
t. Its the first minute or 2, and from there on out you aren't salvaging it. But of course if you come on too strong in that minute, or conversely DON'T try and grab her arse within 2 mins. Its over before you've even started.And its pretty difficult to calibrate that to someone you've literally just met!
Which makes the whole process no different from the lottery. (And I at least tend to get something out of that from time to time)
So I go back to what I said earlier. I've checked out. I am no longer bothered to waste my time on the apps, nor going on dates with such s
tty odds on success. As I said to a friend several times. If every one of my last 5 dates, the lady in question hasn't wanted to go on a second date. Then it isn't the ladies that are the problem...
meh
Edited by BunkMoreland on Monday 1st July 21:37
Just thinking of my previous dating spells.
The dates where there hasn’t been much in the way of conversation before hand (as in length of time exchanging messages) the dates were mostly meh.
The ones where you find yourself chatting over the course of a couple of weeks, smiling at your phone when a message comes in at work. Those always ended up as relationships.
I do realise that some would baulk at the thought of ‘a couple of weeks’ but then also wonder why ‘the spark’ isn’t doesn’t appear over a hastily arranged drink.
I used to work away in spells. Still do to an extent. If I could keep a conversation going whilst working away I’d get to know them well enough to warrant a longish first date over dinner. If that went well I think they pretty much always ended up as relationships. Had one girl DHL a box of Jaffa cakes to me in northern Myanmar. That’s love that is.
The dates where there hasn’t been much in the way of conversation before hand (as in length of time exchanging messages) the dates were mostly meh.
The ones where you find yourself chatting over the course of a couple of weeks, smiling at your phone when a message comes in at work. Those always ended up as relationships.
I do realise that some would baulk at the thought of ‘a couple of weeks’ but then also wonder why ‘the spark’ isn’t doesn’t appear over a hastily arranged drink.
I used to work away in spells. Still do to an extent. If I could keep a conversation going whilst working away I’d get to know them well enough to warrant a longish first date over dinner. If that went well I think they pretty much always ended up as relationships. Had one girl DHL a box of Jaffa cakes to me in northern Myanmar. That’s love that is.
shirt said:
Just thinking of my previous dating spells.
The dates where there hasn’t been much in the way of conversation before hand (as in length of time exchanging messages) the dates were mostly meh.
The ones where you find yourself chatting over the course of a couple of weeks, smiling at your phone when a message comes in at work. Those always ended up as relationships.
I do realise that some would baulk at the thought of ‘a couple of weeks’ but then also wonder why ‘the spark’ isn’t doesn’t appear over a hastily arranged drink.
I used to work away in spells. Still do to an extent. If I could keep a conversation going whilst working away I’d get to know them well enough to warrant a longish first date over dinner. If that went well I think they pretty much always ended up as relationships. Had one girl DHL a box of Jaffa cakes to me in northern Myanmar. That’s love that is.
I would tend to agree. Last lady I dated for a few months. When we matched on Bumble she was at an airport about to go abroad for a week for work. We messaged a little whist she was away, I didn't expect her to reply at all frankly, but we messaged a lot when she came back, but for other reasons we couldn't meet up for probably 2 weeks after initial contact. The dates where there hasn’t been much in the way of conversation before hand (as in length of time exchanging messages) the dates were mostly meh.
The ones where you find yourself chatting over the course of a couple of weeks, smiling at your phone when a message comes in at work. Those always ended up as relationships.
I do realise that some would baulk at the thought of ‘a couple of weeks’ but then also wonder why ‘the spark’ isn’t doesn’t appear over a hastily arranged drink.
I used to work away in spells. Still do to an extent. If I could keep a conversation going whilst working away I’d get to know them well enough to warrant a longish first date over dinner. If that went well I think they pretty much always ended up as relationships. Had one girl DHL a box of Jaffa cakes to me in northern Myanmar. That’s love that is.
There's something in that, but every bloody dating expert says "get them on a date asap" which makes sense as a face to face builds more interactivity than a message on a screen. But there's something to be said for communication over a longer time frame than 3 days.
Agree and I think if you’re 40+, then anyone of quality in the dating pool would agree as well. Smash and grab works if you want to get your holeTM but rarely beyond that.
I’ve actually had a woman ask me after 2 nights messaging, why I hadn’t asked for her number. My reply, I’m still trying to work out if you’re a nob.
I’ve actually had a woman ask me after 2 nights messaging, why I hadn’t asked for her number. My reply, I’m still trying to work out if you’re a nob.
shirt said:
NB. Just thinking why I canned Jaffa cake girl. Unfortunately she committed the cardinal sin of cross cultural dating. ‘What would my parents think’.
Good you clarified. I was left wondering if she’d sent one of those weird flavours like raspberry, or worse still she’d sent supermarket brand ones. So whilst I’m sorry it didn’t work out for you, at least the reasons behind it weren’t as sinister as first feared.
Chatted to my missus for a few days before meeting soon as we could, lots of banter and pisstakes even 10mins before we met. Good signs I thought. First date (1pm) she went home 1am. Met next day. Then next. First impression was thank fk, someone who actually looks their pics! Banter continued and still does 7.5 years later. There is no one size fits all tactic to OLD, but I definitely think if you don't fancy them from the get go I don't think it'll work - why would you try to manufacture something so fundamental in human attraction if you're not feeling it straight away?
k, someone who actually looks their pics! Banter continued and still does 7.5 years later. There is no one size fits all tactic to OLD, but I definitely think if you don't fancy them from the get go I don't think it'll work - why would you try to manufacture something so fundamental in human attraction if you're not feeling it straight away?When I first matched with my current GF on bumble I thought she'd have better options so didn't expect a message from her. Got one and we moved onto WhatsApp quickly but our calenders didn't align due to my work trips and her going to her sister's wedding.
During this time we had two video chats and we got on and saw that she was gorgeous. Still thought I'd end up getting ghosted but we finally met in a country pub 2pm-4pm but she had to get back for her job. Id pre promised her a demo of my immense cuddle capability which she accepted and it felt natural for me to kiss her on the side of her forehead which is apparently her weak spot so she gave me a snog.
Still thought I was gonna get ghosted so was still swiping, seeing my milfy FB but not meeting anyone new. Regret the FB bit to this day but in time told my gf as it was playing on my mind that I'd done that. First morning I woke up at my GFs I stopped all of that and was still a slow burn for us for various reasons up until a month after we met.
Since then it's been amazing and proper smitten and pinch myself every day at the way she looks at me. At the time I asked advice on here about handling her status as a widow with a toddler. I got some advice from some on including CdG which soured me behave in a better way with her and it's worked wonders. So cheers
During this time we had two video chats and we got on and saw that she was gorgeous. Still thought I'd end up getting ghosted but we finally met in a country pub 2pm-4pm but she had to get back for her job. Id pre promised her a demo of my immense cuddle capability which she accepted and it felt natural for me to kiss her on the side of her forehead which is apparently her weak spot so she gave me a snog.
Still thought I was gonna get ghosted so was still swiping, seeing my milfy FB but not meeting anyone new. Regret the FB bit to this day but in time told my gf as it was playing on my mind that I'd done that. First morning I woke up at my GFs I stopped all of that and was still a slow burn for us for various reasons up until a month after we met.
Since then it's been amazing and proper smitten and pinch myself every day at the way she looks at me. At the time I asked advice on here about handling her status as a widow with a toddler. I got some advice from some on including CdG which soured me behave in a better way with her and it's worked wonders. So cheers
dai1983 said:
... Lots of good news ...
Since then it's been amazing and proper smitten and pinch myself every day at the way she looks at me. At the time I asked advice on here about handling her status as a widow with a toddler. I got some advice from some on including CdG which soured me behave in a better way with her and it's worked wonders. So cheers
Great story, and good on you for appreciating what you've got. Hope it works out over the long term. Since then it's been amazing and proper smitten and pinch myself every day at the way she looks at me. At the time I asked advice on here about handling her status as a widow with a toddler. I got some advice from some on including CdG which soured me behave in a better way with her and it's worked wonders. So cheers
That is great!
Always good to hear positive amongst the fails.
Now for my fail.
Ghosting, on the one hand it’s a massive sign of dodging a bullet on the other side it’s a hit to the confidence
Riding the dopamine hits of the messages, progress from app to WhatsApp, to voice calls all positive messages both sides then ghost town
Either they’ve preferred someone else or decided they aren’t actually ready but give no indication, at least a dear John would give some closure
Always good to hear positive amongst the fails.
Now for my fail.
Ghosting, on the one hand it’s a massive sign of dodging a bullet on the other side it’s a hit to the confidence
Riding the dopamine hits of the messages, progress from app to WhatsApp, to voice calls all positive messages both sides then ghost town
Either they’ve preferred someone else or decided they aren’t actually ready but give no indication, at least a dear John would give some closure
Tenacious said:
POF is a dive now. Last time I went on there was 2020. Had a look recently and it's pretty scarce now, I'm guessing the other apps have caned it. Unless you set your profile to Finding someone to marry then you get people contact you from all over the world! Wtf!
You used to be able to set it to only allow messages from people a certain distance away, something like 75 miles or so....is that not an option in the settings any more ?Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff