The guilt is eating away at me
Discussion
It's taken me weeks to post this.
My much loved cat Doris passed away in my garden 3 weeks ago. I let him and the other 7 out first thing before making coffee and heading back up to my office for a days work. At around 7.45pm I realised all the others had made their presence known during the day at my desk apart from him. Yes, his name was Doris but he was a boy - he came with his name and who was I to change the name he knew. His siblings were Denise, Diesel & Diana, the D's as they were affectionately known. I went out into the garden and found he had passed away most likely very soon after being let out as Rigor Mortis had already set in, I was devastated.
He was a rescue from a Welsh breeding farm and was around 2 years old when he came to live with me with 3 others that we believed to be siblings 12 years ago. Like his siblings, they were all very thin, and general poor condition when they arrived but over time there coats all improved but Doris unlike the others never really ate much. I have complete cat food down 24/7, give wet food in the evenings and also sometimes raw food and the others always were eating and getting quite fat but Doris had his fill but no more. He stayed slender but had the most amazing soft fluffy fur.
Time went on and old age was creeping in, his coat started to get matted and he was not so keen on being brushed so I would cut out the mats as and when they appeared, mainly on his back because it must have been more difficult for him to groom and no longer be as agile as he once was. He developed some 'cysts' on his throat but I was always a bit doubtful that they were just cysts and thought they were something more sinister, the vet disagreed but they increased in number Diana passed away from throat cancer prior to this and Diesel was run over so I converted my garden to a Katzecure garden so he could go out but be safe in the garden but he wanted to wander and really tried to get over the fence. Denise remained in fine health. I booked him into my vets for a once over due to the mats but before the appointment I became very ill, I was too ill to leave the house so I postponed it. I ended up having to give him a lion cut at home and was shocked at how thin he was under all that fluff. It was nearly a month from the original appointment before I was well enough to go out again and a week after I did the lion cut at home but I made another appointment for the following week as that is when they had a space, I was concerned but didn't think it was an emergency appointment that was needed You had always been able to feel every notch of his spine when you stroked him but the vets had always said at almost 4kg, he was a good weight and had no concerns but he looked so thin without his fur even if he looked fine prior to the cut.
His appointment was Friday and he passed away Wednesday before his appointment. I think he did have cancer of the throat too and I think it had spread but the what if's are now eating away at me. I thought about having a post mortem but I didn't want him cut up. The guilt will haunt me forever but even if it was cancer it would have been far too advanced to do anything other than let him go and at least he died in the garden he loved rather than some sterile vets office. He hadn't shown any signs of being in pain and was still eating/drinking.
The house is not a happy place right now. My 7 other cats are very unsettled, he was boss cat, and he was very loved by them. Two of my female cats are feeling very lost without him, two older males are vying for for the boss cat position so there are some fights going on but in general this is no longer the happy household it used to be with him. I always knew when I lost him the others would feel his loss as much as I do but I never thought I would have let him down so badly. I will carry the guilt forever.
My much loved cat Doris passed away in my garden 3 weeks ago. I let him and the other 7 out first thing before making coffee and heading back up to my office for a days work. At around 7.45pm I realised all the others had made their presence known during the day at my desk apart from him. Yes, his name was Doris but he was a boy - he came with his name and who was I to change the name he knew. His siblings were Denise, Diesel & Diana, the D's as they were affectionately known. I went out into the garden and found he had passed away most likely very soon after being let out as Rigor Mortis had already set in, I was devastated.
He was a rescue from a Welsh breeding farm and was around 2 years old when he came to live with me with 3 others that we believed to be siblings 12 years ago. Like his siblings, they were all very thin, and general poor condition when they arrived but over time there coats all improved but Doris unlike the others never really ate much. I have complete cat food down 24/7, give wet food in the evenings and also sometimes raw food and the others always were eating and getting quite fat but Doris had his fill but no more. He stayed slender but had the most amazing soft fluffy fur.
Time went on and old age was creeping in, his coat started to get matted and he was not so keen on being brushed so I would cut out the mats as and when they appeared, mainly on his back because it must have been more difficult for him to groom and no longer be as agile as he once was. He developed some 'cysts' on his throat but I was always a bit doubtful that they were just cysts and thought they were something more sinister, the vet disagreed but they increased in number Diana passed away from throat cancer prior to this and Diesel was run over so I converted my garden to a Katzecure garden so he could go out but be safe in the garden but he wanted to wander and really tried to get over the fence. Denise remained in fine health. I booked him into my vets for a once over due to the mats but before the appointment I became very ill, I was too ill to leave the house so I postponed it. I ended up having to give him a lion cut at home and was shocked at how thin he was under all that fluff. It was nearly a month from the original appointment before I was well enough to go out again and a week after I did the lion cut at home but I made another appointment for the following week as that is when they had a space, I was concerned but didn't think it was an emergency appointment that was needed You had always been able to feel every notch of his spine when you stroked him but the vets had always said at almost 4kg, he was a good weight and had no concerns but he looked so thin without his fur even if he looked fine prior to the cut.
His appointment was Friday and he passed away Wednesday before his appointment. I think he did have cancer of the throat too and I think it had spread but the what if's are now eating away at me. I thought about having a post mortem but I didn't want him cut up. The guilt will haunt me forever but even if it was cancer it would have been far too advanced to do anything other than let him go and at least he died in the garden he loved rather than some sterile vets office. He hadn't shown any signs of being in pain and was still eating/drinking.
The house is not a happy place right now. My 7 other cats are very unsettled, he was boss cat, and he was very loved by them. Two of my female cats are feeling very lost without him, two older males are vying for for the boss cat position so there are some fights going on but in general this is no longer the happy household it used to be with him. I always knew when I lost him the others would feel his loss as much as I do but I never thought I would have let him down so badly. I will carry the guilt forever.
Don't feel guilty. You obviously loved him very much and gave him a great life.
They will tell you when it's time and you WILL know as it's obvious.
If he was still eating and drinking as normal and being himself then it sounds like he just passed away peacefully which is all any of us want for our much loved pets.
They will tell you when it's time and you WILL know as it's obvious.
If he was still eating and drinking as normal and being himself then it sounds like he just passed away peacefully which is all any of us want for our much loved pets.
solo2, don't be hard on yourself. You've done great looking after all your pets and will no doubt do the same in the future. What happened to your cat isn't due to your actions or inaction.
My dog, 10 years old, is currently on a path of slow decline, having been diagnosed with a melanoma in his jaw which has already moved elsewhere in his body before I realised it. All I can do is the same as you have done. Monitor them, make them comfortable, and above all give them the love they deserve. The thing I have come to realise is that all the time I've been looking after him, he's actually been looking after me.
It's grim but it's also a privilege to have the ability to give them the respect and care they deserve. You have done this admirably.
My dog, 10 years old, is currently on a path of slow decline, having been diagnosed with a melanoma in his jaw which has already moved elsewhere in his body before I realised it. All I can do is the same as you have done. Monitor them, make them comfortable, and above all give them the love they deserve. The thing I have come to realise is that all the time I've been looking after him, he's actually been looking after me.
It's grim but it's also a privilege to have the ability to give them the respect and care they deserve. You have done this admirably.
Please don't feel guilty, you saved them from a miserable existence and clearly love all of them. Be glad that he was able to find someone like you that cared so much, most aren't that lucky.
My 21 year old boss cat died five years ago and one of our girls still calls for him, they don't forget but they do get better.
Very best wishes
My 21 year old boss cat died five years ago and one of our girls still calls for him, they don't forget but they do get better.
Very best wishes
RIP Doris 
You have nothing to feel guilty about, as already said, cats are very good at hiding how ill they are. You cannot help but think "what if", but with many ailments, all you can do is make them comfortable for as long as possible. Even though you know it's coming, it's still a shock and heartbreaking.
You have nothing to feel guilty about, as already said, cats are very good at hiding how ill they are. You cannot help but think "what if", but with many ailments, all you can do is make them comfortable for as long as possible. Even though you know it's coming, it's still a shock and heartbreaking.
Not sure what you can possibly be feeling guilty about. The kindest thing you can do for an old animal with cancer is look after it until it is time to go. You’re never going to operate at an advanced age.
We had exactly the same with our older dog. She had cancer, we’d talked about it with the vet, and while he said he could operate on a 12 year old dog, it would be probably unsuccessful and would involve a leg amputation. So we managed her gradual decline. It was very rapid at the end - in the week before she died, she went swimming in the Thames, happily walked 2 miles a day, but at the end of that week she basically gave up, went off her food and just lay in her bed. The vet tried steroids, with no effect, and we all agreed it was time.
You did absolutely the right thing for this cat, don’t feel guilty.
We had exactly the same with our older dog. She had cancer, we’d talked about it with the vet, and while he said he could operate on a 12 year old dog, it would be probably unsuccessful and would involve a leg amputation. So we managed her gradual decline. It was very rapid at the end - in the week before she died, she went swimming in the Thames, happily walked 2 miles a day, but at the end of that week she basically gave up, went off her food and just lay in her bed. The vet tried steroids, with no effect, and we all agreed it was time.
You did absolutely the right thing for this cat, don’t feel guilty.
He had a decent innings, was loved and cared for and had friends of his own kind.
A hell of a lot of animals would be eternally grateful to have swapped places and lived Doris' life with you.
There is no guilt for you to bear, thankfully you found him so could do what was right with his remains, grieve by all means which is healthy and good.
A hell of a lot of animals would be eternally grateful to have swapped places and lived Doris' life with you.
There is no guilt for you to bear, thankfully you found him so could do what was right with his remains, grieve by all means which is healthy and good.
Thank you to everyone for your kind words although I still feel guilty that I did not know he was so close to dying. I fully expected this being PH to get flamed and be told what a despicable owner I was etc etc etc, so a bit of reality from you all has helped. I have his ashes back and they are on the mantle in my bedroom with his sisters.
Last week we also had to say goodbye to my parents 12 and a half year old German Shepherd dog. She had been declining for some time and 12 is a great age for this breed. Her back legs were very weak and then Wednesday morning she lost control of her bowels and my Dad knew he had to let her go but he had been avoiding making this decision. The vets were amazing, came to the house within 3 hours and she fell asleep so peacefully. This drought hasn't created the best ground to dig a grave and it took 3 hours to get down around 2/3 feet to bury her but they got there in the end with a friend and his teenage son helping. My poor Dad now has no one else, my mum is in a care home and the dog was his life. He's gone out twice a day on a dog walk for over 50 years and now is all alone. My brother has 2 dogs and he is looking after them for the next week but I need to find something for him to do. Foster dogs or get involved in some animal charity. If anyone knows of anything suitable around the north Surrey/South London area I would appreciate a heads up. He does not want to commit to another dog as he is 88
Last week we also had to say goodbye to my parents 12 and a half year old German Shepherd dog. She had been declining for some time and 12 is a great age for this breed. Her back legs were very weak and then Wednesday morning she lost control of her bowels and my Dad knew he had to let her go but he had been avoiding making this decision. The vets were amazing, came to the house within 3 hours and she fell asleep so peacefully. This drought hasn't created the best ground to dig a grave and it took 3 hours to get down around 2/3 feet to bury her but they got there in the end with a friend and his teenage son helping. My poor Dad now has no one else, my mum is in a care home and the dog was his life. He's gone out twice a day on a dog walk for over 50 years and now is all alone. My brother has 2 dogs and he is looking after them for the next week but I need to find something for him to do. Foster dogs or get involved in some animal charity. If anyone knows of anything suitable around the north Surrey/South London area I would appreciate a heads up. He does not want to commit to another dog as he is 88
Op I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about. I'm not a vet but it does sound like there was nothing to be done for Doris.
As for your Dad, a quick solution could be borrow my doggy .com. Its a site where you sign up to walk other peoples dogs. I haven't signed up myself, but I gather its fast - he might be able to be walking someones dog by the weekend.
As for your Dad, a quick solution could be borrow my doggy .com. Its a site where you sign up to walk other peoples dogs. I haven't signed up myself, but I gather its fast - he might be able to be walking someones dog by the weekend.
solo2 said:
Thank you to everyone for your kind words although I still feel guilty that I did not know he was so close to dying. I fully expected this being PH to get flamed and be told what a despicable owner I was etc etc etc, so a bit of reality from you all has helped. I have his ashes back and they are on the mantle in my bedroom with his sisters.
Last week we also had to say goodbye to my parents 12 and a half year old German Shepherd dog. She had been declining for some time and 12 is a great age for this breed. Her back legs were very weak and then Wednesday morning she lost control of her bowels and my Dad knew he had to let her go but he had been avoiding making this decision. The vets were amazing, came to the house within 3 hours and she fell asleep so peacefully. This drought hasn't created the best ground to dig a grave and it took 3 hours to get down around 2/3 feet to bury her but they got there in the end with a friend and his teenage son helping. My poor Dad now has no one else, my mum is in a care home and the dog was his life. He's gone out twice a day on a dog walk for over 50 years and now is all alone. My brother has 2 dogs and he is looking after them for the next week but I need to find something for him to do. Foster dogs or get involved in some animal charity. If anyone knows of anything suitable around the north Surrey/South London area I would appreciate a heads up. He does not want to commit to another dog as he is 88
As others have said, you have nothing to feel guilty about.Last week we also had to say goodbye to my parents 12 and a half year old German Shepherd dog. She had been declining for some time and 12 is a great age for this breed. Her back legs were very weak and then Wednesday morning she lost control of her bowels and my Dad knew he had to let her go but he had been avoiding making this decision. The vets were amazing, came to the house within 3 hours and she fell asleep so peacefully. This drought hasn't created the best ground to dig a grave and it took 3 hours to get down around 2/3 feet to bury her but they got there in the end with a friend and his teenage son helping. My poor Dad now has no one else, my mum is in a care home and the dog was his life. He's gone out twice a day on a dog walk for over 50 years and now is all alone. My brother has 2 dogs and he is looking after them for the next week but I need to find something for him to do. Foster dogs or get involved in some animal charity. If anyone knows of anything suitable around the north Surrey/South London area I would appreciate a heads up. He does not want to commit to another dog as he is 88
The Cinnamon Trust is actually intended to help the elderly who can't walk their dogs, but if your dad is still fit enough to walk a dog, they may welcome his support:
https://cinnamon.org.uk/volunteers/
Oldies Club may be of interest:
https://www.oldies.org.uk/
Dogs Trust are desperate for fosterers apparently:
https://www.dogstrust.org.uk/rehoming/fostering/
I hope you can find something to help your dad. My mum is in a similar position - she and my dad always owned dogs since I was 5 (I'm over 50 now). They got the latest (golden retriever) before dad went into a care home and she is great company for my mum. Mum isn't fit enough to walk her now, but between a dog walker and my brother (and with access to a garden all day) they manage.
GSDR has plenty of older shepherds up for adoption. A 9 or 10 year old shepherd doesn't need massive walks.
Edit - I don’t see being 88 an impediment to adopting an older dog at all. Certainly our local dog rescue had no problems with my parents in law getting a dog - 86 and 88. If anything happened, we’d have the dog in this case, but even without that back up, the rescues attitude was “we’d rather have the dog in a house and being loved than in kennels”.
As an example, there are a couple of dogs here, who are in the reverse position of your dad - could be a perfect solution for both!
https://www.germanshepherdrescue.co.uk/urgent-dogs...
Edit - I don’t see being 88 an impediment to adopting an older dog at all. Certainly our local dog rescue had no problems with my parents in law getting a dog - 86 and 88. If anything happened, we’d have the dog in this case, but even without that back up, the rescues attitude was “we’d rather have the dog in a house and being loved than in kennels”.
As an example, there are a couple of dogs here, who are in the reverse position of your dad - could be a perfect solution for both!
https://www.germanshepherdrescue.co.uk/urgent-dogs...
Edited by rxe on Tuesday 23 August 08:43
You really have nothing at all to feel guilty about, you gave him a wonderful life and he passed away in his favourite location out in the garden.
I'm pretty certain regardless of how much love, care and attention they receive from us the large majority of family pets die of conditions that neither the owner or even the vet are able to actually spot or diagnose before hand, that has certainly been my personal experience over the years.
I'm pretty certain regardless of how much love, care and attention they receive from us the large majority of family pets die of conditions that neither the owner or even the vet are able to actually spot or diagnose before hand, that has certainly been my personal experience over the years.
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