50:50 custody of 3-year-old son: how close to live to ex?
Discussion
Realise this is much broader than just house-related, but I’m interested to hear people’s thoughts from a housing and location point of view specifically. I’m finally able to start seriously looking at houses after 18 months of legal wrangling to secure 50% custody of my three-year-old son…
My ex is buying my half of our house, I’ll be getting somewhere else and am debating how close to live to her. Am convinced she has narcissistic personality disorder after the last 18 months, so want to minimise the impact she has in my life going forward. Not living 50m away is part of that.
My question - particularly for divorced parents who have any specific experience with this - is what has worked/not worked for you in terms of distance from your other parent? Options are within a mile or up to 20 mins drive away in peak times (we’re in Zone 4 London, between the North Circular, motorway and railway tracks, so that’s probably only up to about 5 miles maximum due to the number of bottlenecks).
Is it likely to be better to find the nicest, nearest place (within reason - the house next door, which would actually be quite suitable - is for sale!) and not worry about travel to the nursery/school/other parent and aim to walk as much as possible, even if it’s not where I’d ever choose to be or have a cleaner break and go to a different area, which is greener, not next to the motorway and more appealing in terms of shops and facilities, but requires a 10-15 minute drive to nursery/school/other parent?
It’s been one of those frustrating searches where the railway tracks get in the way, so it’s an annoyingly long drive to get across and the next area over is super expensive, so the house options are typically either very local or a bit of a distance on the other side of the very expensive bit.
No doubt I’m worrying far too much about all this, but it’s been a long time coming, so want to find the best setup for my son and I going forward…Thanks for any thoughts!
My ex is buying my half of our house, I’ll be getting somewhere else and am debating how close to live to her. Am convinced she has narcissistic personality disorder after the last 18 months, so want to minimise the impact she has in my life going forward. Not living 50m away is part of that.
My question - particularly for divorced parents who have any specific experience with this - is what has worked/not worked for you in terms of distance from your other parent? Options are within a mile or up to 20 mins drive away in peak times (we’re in Zone 4 London, between the North Circular, motorway and railway tracks, so that’s probably only up to about 5 miles maximum due to the number of bottlenecks).
Is it likely to be better to find the nicest, nearest place (within reason - the house next door, which would actually be quite suitable - is for sale!) and not worry about travel to the nursery/school/other parent and aim to walk as much as possible, even if it’s not where I’d ever choose to be or have a cleaner break and go to a different area, which is greener, not next to the motorway and more appealing in terms of shops and facilities, but requires a 10-15 minute drive to nursery/school/other parent?
It’s been one of those frustrating searches where the railway tracks get in the way, so it’s an annoyingly long drive to get across and the next area over is super expensive, so the house options are typically either very local or a bit of a distance on the other side of the very expensive bit.
No doubt I’m worrying far too much about all this, but it’s been a long time coming, so want to find the best setup for my son and I going forward…Thanks for any thoughts!
I've been 50/50 for 6 years now. The youngest was 11 at the time. We're about 1 mile apart, and for teenagers it means they can walk between the houses if they've forgotten anything. I would have gone mad if I had to drive any distance every time one of them realized they'd forgotten a specific coat, or pair of shoes, or homework for school, or their tennis racquet, etc...
At 3 years old, this is of less of a concern, but if you plan to remain in this house for 10 years then it's definitely something to think about.
At 3 years old, this is of less of a concern, but if you plan to remain in this house for 10 years then it's definitely something to think about.
We split 8 years ago and are on pretty good terms so may be different circumstances.
But we live 1 mile away, its been ideal for forgotten items etc, or when one of you remembers last min they need something for school the next day, pe kit, cooking stuff etc.
He will be walking to school next year and means he can get to both of ours with ease.
id say in the younger years its better to be closer then move away if needed when older.
But we live 1 mile away, its been ideal for forgotten items etc, or when one of you remembers last min they need something for school the next day, pe kit, cooking stuff etc.
He will be walking to school next year and means he can get to both of ours with ease.
id say in the younger years its better to be closer then move away if needed when older.
alock said:
I've been 50/50 for 6 years now. The youngest was 11 at the time. We're about 1 mile apart, and for teenagers it means they can walk between the houses if they've forgotten anything. I would have gone mad if I had to drive any distance every time one of them realized they'd forgotten a specific coat, or pair of shoes, or homework for school, or their tennis racquet, etc...
At 3 years old, this is of less of a concern, but if you plan to remain in this house for 10 years then it's definitely something to think about.
Hadn’t thought about it from the kids walking themselves point of view, but that is a good perk. Imagine that we’re likely to be in our next place up to 5-7 years, so that’s less of a thing and once he’s at school, all handovers in theory will be there, so maybe proximity to ex’s place is less important, with nursery/school being more important. Still useful if he forgets a favourite toy, bit of clothing or homework etc, as you said, though…At 3 years old, this is of less of a concern, but if you plan to remain in this house for 10 years then it's definitely something to think about.
My parents lived 100 miles apart when I was a teenager, but that wasn’t ideal and it wasn’t 50:50.
Personally I would focus on living close to the school they're going to attend. Living close to school is a godsend especially as the school seem to want you up there all the time for parents evenings, reward ceremonies, PTA stuff, phonics lessons, then you have their friends (perhaps also your new friends) and playdates.
I'm friends with another separated Dad, we met at school, who lives twenty minutes away, his school run sounds a right pain in the ass and its annoying when we want to have a few drinks.
I wouldn't worry about trying to move away, if you're ex wants to stalk you the difference between a five or twenty minute drive isn't likely to deter them. You're in the heat of it at the moment but likely it will all die down once you have your own place.
I'm friends with another separated Dad, we met at school, who lives twenty minutes away, his school run sounds a right pain in the ass and its annoying when we want to have a few drinks.
I wouldn't worry about trying to move away, if you're ex wants to stalk you the difference between a five or twenty minute drive isn't likely to deter them. You're in the heat of it at the moment but likely it will all die down once you have your own place.
When genuinely splitting time 50:50, I'd guess it's doubly important that you and your ex live close so that your kid sees the same mates regardless of which home he's sleeping at, can get to the same activities equally easily from both homes, feels part of a community, rather than constantly hopping between two somewhat separate lives.
Close enough to current/future schools (check the catchment area maps)... Close enough that either of you could pick up from school if they are poorly, etc.
Close enough that the commute between parents is short enough that it doesn't curtail weekend events, etc due to the time in the car.
Friends who got divorced live in adjoining villages, on the same railway line (handy as their kids start secondary) and good for the kids to have some independence as they get older. Fortunately they are on reasonable terms.
Close enough that the commute between parents is short enough that it doesn't curtail weekend events, etc due to the time in the car.
Friends who got divorced live in adjoining villages, on the same railway line (handy as their kids start secondary) and good for the kids to have some independence as they get older. Fortunately they are on reasonable terms.
Superhoop said:
I've been split from my ex for about 8 years, and live 26 miles away. The last thing I want to do is bump into her when I'm out shopping/out for a beer/out for a coffee etc..
It means I spend a bit of time in the car running around, but it works OK as long as the M25 is kind.
I don't have this problem, if we bumped into eachother my daughter would be there. I would get a excited shout of Daddy and a hug not abuse from the ex It means I spend a bit of time in the car running around, but it works OK as long as the M25 is kind.
How much of a nutter is she?
Having had the misfortune of dealing with the fallout from a total narcissist whose actions indicate she has Munchausen by proxy, IME they are liable to mess you around in terms of times, pickup arrangements, deviations from agreed arrangements, last minute 'emergencies', withholding things the child needs...
So being near can be a benefit (not far to go / not much time to waste if she is being a total moron) but also a hassle ('you need to come and get this / do this immediately because you are just round the corner and have nothing else to do but pander to my desperate need for narcissistic supply').
Whatever you do, make sure to keep accurate records of interactions and issues, ideally printed and filed away as well.
Having had the misfortune of dealing with the fallout from a total narcissist whose actions indicate she has Munchausen by proxy, IME they are liable to mess you around in terms of times, pickup arrangements, deviations from agreed arrangements, last minute 'emergencies', withholding things the child needs...
So being near can be a benefit (not far to go / not much time to waste if she is being a total moron) but also a hassle ('you need to come and get this / do this immediately because you are just round the corner and have nothing else to do but pander to my desperate need for narcissistic supply').
Whatever you do, make sure to keep accurate records of interactions and issues, ideally printed and filed away as well.
JSP440 said:
We split 8 years ago and are on pretty good terms so may be different circumstances.
But we live 1 mile away, its been ideal for forgotten items etc, or when one of you remembers last min they need something for school the next day, pe kit, cooking stuff etc.
He will be walking to school next year and means he can get to both of ours with ease.
id say in the younger years its better to be closer then move away if needed when older.
My ex is continually furious with the world so I’m not sure if we’ll ever be on good terms, but being able to easily grab all those miscellaneous things when needed is definitely handy, as you said. We have been 25 mins apart for the last two years, and I know that’s annoying.But we live 1 mile away, its been ideal for forgotten items etc, or when one of you remembers last min they need something for school the next day, pe kit, cooking stuff etc.
He will be walking to school next year and means he can get to both of ours with ease.
id say in the younger years its better to be closer then move away if needed when older.
I think a 10-minute drive in practical terms may be fine for me, to open up a slightly different area/house options, but more than that would probably be too much. Would be an excuse to get an EV so I don’t have to drive my 3.0-litre supercharged car around town, too…Man maths always finds a way!
Superhoop said:
I've been split from my ex for about 8 years, and live 26 miles away. The last thing I want to do is bump into her when I'm out shopping/out for a beer/out for a coffee etc..
It means I spend a bit of time in the car running around, but it works OK as long as the M25 is kind.
I get the logic but do you have to take kids to school, as I imagine that could be quite time consuming…?It means I spend a bit of time in the car running around, but it works OK as long as the M25 is kind.
NH-0 said:
Personally I would focus on living close to the school they're going to attend. Living close to school is a godsend especially as the school seem to want you up there all the time for parents evenings, reward ceremonies, PTA stuff, phonics lessons, then you have their friends (perhaps also your new friends) and playdates.
I'm friends with another separated Dad, we met at school, who lives twenty minutes away, his school run sounds a right pain in the ass and its annoying when we want to have a few drinks.
I wouldn't worry about trying to move away, if you're ex wants to stalk you the difference between a five or twenty minute drive isn't likely to deter them. You're in the heat of it at the moment but likely it will all die down once you have your own place.
Thanks. You’ve really struck a chord. I can see how proximity to school is potentially more important than being near our current house where ex will live. Annoyingly, I’m not sure which school that will be yet…I'm friends with another separated Dad, we met at school, who lives twenty minutes away, his school run sounds a right pain in the ass and its annoying when we want to have a few drinks.
I wouldn't worry about trying to move away, if you're ex wants to stalk you the difference between a five or twenty minute drive isn't likely to deter them. You're in the heat of it at the moment but likely it will all die down once you have your own place.
We’re right on the edge of the catchment area for the best local school and I’m not sure whether my ex would be happy taking our son there if he could get in, as it would be a 10-minute drive for her versus a 10-minute walk for the other school. Sadly, judging by her recent behaviour, I’m not sure she cares enough to do that, though she could continue farming out taking him to nursery/school to her parents, as she has done for the last two years.
Funnily enough, I have narrowed down the current options to one house that I really like near the less good school and one house that is nearer the really good school but isn’t as nice a house…
Not worried about stalking, just really don’t like the area and was only ever here because ex wanted to be here, so it grates a bit. Not the end of the world for the right house/proximity to school(s), though.
I'm 50/50 with 13 year old son, live less than 1 mile from ex, divorced 5 years now.
I agree with what has been said, IMO it's about doing what is best for the child. When we first separated I moved around 30 - 50 mins away depending on traffic. It was a right PITA - in the morning you are battling traffic and worried about school drop off times. The evenings were just as bad, but with clubs and groups e.gfootball, swimming, scouts etc. We would have to hang around eating dinner in the car, before the group start, then I'd have to wait while the club was on, then drive home and often wouldn't get back till 8pm.
Living close to the ex hasn't been an issue as we run in different circles, plus I do kid stuff when I've got my son and adult stuff when I haven't, again we're running opposite activities.
I agree with what has been said, IMO it's about doing what is best for the child. When we first separated I moved around 30 - 50 mins away depending on traffic. It was a right PITA - in the morning you are battling traffic and worried about school drop off times. The evenings were just as bad, but with clubs and groups e.gfootball, swimming, scouts etc. We would have to hang around eating dinner in the car, before the group start, then I'd have to wait while the club was on, then drive home and often wouldn't get back till 8pm.
Living close to the ex hasn't been an issue as we run in different circles, plus I do kid stuff when I've got my son and adult stuff when I haven't, again we're running opposite activities.
We split in 2018, daughter was 11. She is now learning to drive and we lived about 5 miles apart(15 mins) for most of that time. I would say it was fine for me, sure in the early days she forgot something and we went back in the evening but I just accepted it would happen.
The biggest challenge for us was actually the extra curricular activites. PE bag at mums and going to school from Dads doesnt work nor does her gear for dancing lessons so we actually had a rota to move dance bangs/ PE bag to avoid this, trust me it was needed.
I wouldn't live more than 20 mins away full stop, it will cause problems and the kid just feels permenantly in the car through no fault of their own.
Talking to your ex about which school could be next is really important.
The biggest challenge for us was actually the extra curricular activites. PE bag at mums and going to school from Dads doesnt work nor does her gear for dancing lessons so we actually had a rota to move dance bangs/ PE bag to avoid this, trust me it was needed.
I wouldn't live more than 20 mins away full stop, it will cause problems and the kid just feels permenantly in the car through no fault of their own.
Talking to your ex about which school could be next is really important.
ATG said:
When genuinely splitting time 50:50, I'd guess it's doubly important that you and your ex live close so that your kid sees the same mates regardless of which home he's sleeping at, can get to the same activities equally easily from both homes, feels part of a community, rather than constantly hopping between two somewhat separate lives.
Very important point. I’d hope that a 10-15 minute drive wouldn’t make much difference, as because of the numerous local bottlenecks, even the nearest places can be 10 mins away in reality, though obviously the further away you go, the bigger of an issue it gets.My parents were two hours apart for my teenage years and I had two completely separate lives and I don’t want my son to have a split life at all.
RSTurboPaul said:
How much of a nutter is she?
Having had the misfortune of dealing with the fallout from a total narcissist whose actions indicate she has Munchausen by proxy, IME they are liable to mess you around in terms of times, pickup arrangements, deviations from agreed arrangements, last minute 'emergencies', withholding things the child needs...
So being near can be a benefit (not far to go / not much time to waste if she is being a total moron) but also a hassle ('you need to come and get this / do this immediately because you are just round the corner and have nothing else to do but pander to my desperate need for narcissistic supply').
Whatever you do, make sure to keep accurate records of interactions and issues, ideally printed and filed away as well.
Yes. A lot of a nutter. Sorry to hear you got tangled with a narcissist. Sounds like a lot of overlaps between our experiences.Having had the misfortune of dealing with the fallout from a total narcissist whose actions indicate she has Munchausen by proxy, IME they are liable to mess you around in terms of times, pickup arrangements, deviations from agreed arrangements, last minute 'emergencies', withholding things the child needs...
So being near can be a benefit (not far to go / not much time to waste if she is being a total moron) but also a hassle ('you need to come and get this / do this immediately because you are just round the corner and have nothing else to do but pander to my desperate need for narcissistic supply').
Whatever you do, make sure to keep accurate records of interactions and issues, ideally printed and filed away as well.
She is delusional and has taken our son to the GP dozens of times for countless random things plus A&E for a ‘sore knee’ and insisted upon him having an x-ray, despite him having been running around happily hours beforehand. She forced an autism assessment despite no evidence from any qualified professional to indicate any reason to do so etc etc etc.
She is a nasty piece of work, who is unable to see the negative impact of her behaviour on others including our son, sadly. It’s a bit of a paradox; pandering to a narcissist by making sure you buy a house nearby is not necessarily right for you or the child, but if you’re further away they can consistently screw things up going forward… Tricky.
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