Joke of the Year...?
Discussion
It's part of a stand up routine, so is presumably delivered verbally, with all sorts of vocal inflections, and probably other stuff around it all interlinked in context.
It's hardly surprising that it looks crap when written down on a web page, isn't it?
Take a look at his nun and donkey routine. You might or might not find it funny, but you'd have to agree it's a lot funnier like that than it possibly could be written down.
It's hardly surprising that it looks crap when written down on a web page, isn't it?
Take a look at his nun and donkey routine. You might or might not find it funny, but you'd have to agree it's a lot funnier like that than it possibly could be written down.
So I saw this Scotsman and I asked him if he had spots when he was younger. He replied “Achh-neeee”.
One arm butlers - they can take it but they can’t dish it out…
Beware of Alphabet Grenades… if you throw them, it could spell disaster!
My mate said to me: “Can you tell me what you call someone who comes from Corsica?” I said: “Cors-i-can”!
When it comes to cosmetic surgery… a lot of people turn their noses up.
I used go out with an anesthetist - she was a local girl…
I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrotts with the Grim Reaper… dicing with death!
I was walking down the road the other day and I saw this advert in the window that said “Television for Sale - £1- Volume Stuck On Full”. I thought: “I can’t turn that down”.
A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits!
So I went to the record shop and I said “What have you got by The Doors?” He said: “A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!”
What do you call a lady with big teeth that sleeps in the afternoon? Siesta Rantzen.
Albinos - you can’t say fairer than that!
(Holding up a notice which says “Future Events”) Tim Vine: “Well, there’s a sign of things to come!”
My mate bet with me that I’d never eat at a barbecque with Matthew Corbett - I said, that’s a Sweep-Stake!
I’ve got a friend who has got a butler whose left arm is missing - serves him right.
I was in the army once and the Sergeant said to me: “What does surrender mean?” I said: “I give up!”
One of my squaddies in my army came up to my bunk bed the other day and had a hairdryer against my duvet, I said: “Don’t blow my cover”
I was looking for the directions for Radio 1 in London, and a guy pointed me in the direction of the building. I said: “That’s not a building, thats a cloud!” He said: “Down a bit…”
I have spent the afternoon re-arranging the furniture in Draculas house… I was doing a bit of Fang-Shui
I want to tell you a bit about myself.. I’m a very quiet and secretive person, and that’s it really.
One arm butlers - they can take it but they can’t dish it out…
Beware of Alphabet Grenades… if you throw them, it could spell disaster!
My mate said to me: “Can you tell me what you call someone who comes from Corsica?” I said: “Cors-i-can”!
When it comes to cosmetic surgery… a lot of people turn their noses up.
I used go out with an anesthetist - she was a local girl…
I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrotts with the Grim Reaper… dicing with death!
I was walking down the road the other day and I saw this advert in the window that said “Television for Sale - £1- Volume Stuck On Full”. I thought: “I can’t turn that down”.
A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits!
So I went to the record shop and I said “What have you got by The Doors?” He said: “A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!”
What do you call a lady with big teeth that sleeps in the afternoon? Siesta Rantzen.
Albinos - you can’t say fairer than that!
(Holding up a notice which says “Future Events”) Tim Vine: “Well, there’s a sign of things to come!”
My mate bet with me that I’d never eat at a barbecque with Matthew Corbett - I said, that’s a Sweep-Stake!
I’ve got a friend who has got a butler whose left arm is missing - serves him right.
I was in the army once and the Sergeant said to me: “What does surrender mean?” I said: “I give up!”
One of my squaddies in my army came up to my bunk bed the other day and had a hairdryer against my duvet, I said: “Don’t blow my cover”
I was looking for the directions for Radio 1 in London, and a guy pointed me in the direction of the building. I said: “That’s not a building, thats a cloud!” He said: “Down a bit…”
I have spent the afternoon re-arranging the furniture in Draculas house… I was doing a bit of Fang-Shui
I want to tell you a bit about myself.. I’m a very quiet and secretive person, and that’s it really.
Horse_Apple said:
So I saw this Scotsman and I asked him if he had spots when he was younger. He replied “Achh-neeee”.
One arm butlers - they can take it but they can’t dish it out…
Beware of Alphabet Grenades… if you throw them, it could spell disaster!
My mate said to me: “Can you tell me what you call someone who comes from Corsica?” I said: “Cors-i-can”!
When it comes to cosmetic surgery… a lot of people turn their noses up.
I used go out with an anesthetist - she was a local girl…
I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrotts with the Grim Reaper… dicing with death!
I was walking down the road the other day and I saw this advert in the window that said “Television for Sale - £1- Volume Stuck On Full”. I thought: “I can’t turn that down”.
A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits!
So I went to the record shop and I said “What have you got by The Doors?” He said: “A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!”
What do you call a lady with big teeth that sleeps in the afternoon? Siesta Rantzen.
Albinos - you can’t say fairer than that!
(Holding up a notice which says “Future Events”) Tim Vine: “Well, there’s a sign of things to come!”
My mate bet with me that I’d never eat at a barbecque with Matthew Corbett - I said, that’s a Sweep-Stake!
I’ve got a friend who has got a butler whose left arm is missing - serves him right.
I was in the army once and the Sergeant said to me: “What does surrender mean?” I said: “I give up!”
One of my squaddies in my army came up to my bunk bed the other day and had a hairdryer against my duvet, I said: “Don’t blow my cover”
I was looking for the directions for Radio 1 in London, and a guy pointed me in the direction of the building. I said: “That’s not a building, thats a cloud!” He said: “Down a bit…”
I have spent the afternoon re-arranging the furniture in Draculas house… I was doing a bit of Fang-Shui
I want to tell you a bit about myself.. I’m a very quiet and secretive person, and that’s it really.
Pen behind the ear, pen behind the ear. Pen behind the ear, pen behind the ear... One arm butlers - they can take it but they can’t dish it out…
Beware of Alphabet Grenades… if you throw them, it could spell disaster!
My mate said to me: “Can you tell me what you call someone who comes from Corsica?” I said: “Cors-i-can”!
When it comes to cosmetic surgery… a lot of people turn their noses up.
I used go out with an anesthetist - she was a local girl…
I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrotts with the Grim Reaper… dicing with death!
I was walking down the road the other day and I saw this advert in the window that said “Television for Sale - £1- Volume Stuck On Full”. I thought: “I can’t turn that down”.
A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits!
So I went to the record shop and I said “What have you got by The Doors?” He said: “A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!”
What do you call a lady with big teeth that sleeps in the afternoon? Siesta Rantzen.
Albinos - you can’t say fairer than that!
(Holding up a notice which says “Future Events”) Tim Vine: “Well, there’s a sign of things to come!”
My mate bet with me that I’d never eat at a barbecque with Matthew Corbett - I said, that’s a Sweep-Stake!
I’ve got a friend who has got a butler whose left arm is missing - serves him right.
I was in the army once and the Sergeant said to me: “What does surrender mean?” I said: “I give up!”
One of my squaddies in my army came up to my bunk bed the other day and had a hairdryer against my duvet, I said: “Don’t blow my cover”
I was looking for the directions for Radio 1 in London, and a guy pointed me in the direction of the building. I said: “That’s not a building, thats a cloud!” He said: “Down a bit…”
I have spent the afternoon re-arranging the furniture in Draculas house… I was doing a bit of Fang-Shui
I want to tell you a bit about myself.. I’m a very quiet and secretive person, and that’s it really.
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome.
One has a cross in front of him; the other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.
A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.
Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."
The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing."
OllieWinchester said:
I was looking for the directions for Radio 1 in London, and a guy pointed me in the direction of the building. I said: “That’s not a building, thats a cloud!” He said: “Down a bit…”
It took me ages to get that one. I'm assuming it's a pun on the instructions given by a third party when trying to dial into a radio station old school style.Edited by OllieWinchester on Thursday 27th August 01:24
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