Drinking tales that pass into legend...
Discussion
I was just chatting with UkBob about different things we've done/witnessed while on the vino, that have led to reverement and legends growing from quite random events. Here's mine, I hope we get some good stories up on this thread 
It goes back to when I worked in the Coke and Champagne fuelled world of recruitment.
My very good buddy Ben, and myself were out on the lash in Maidstone. All night he's been on the phone to this girl, begging her to come over for a drink, and a bit of fun in the office afterwards. I got on the phone and backed my buddy up, as any good wingman should... 'Oh, he's always going on about you. We speak at last' etc etc.
Anyway. He agreed to pay for her cab as soon as she could get there
We went out and got completely wasted. I mean purely and simply
ed!
Sleeping on the office floor, I'm vaguely aware of our intercom system buzzing for what seemed like hours. There was no way I was moving, so in the end Bens phone starts ringing, but he's dead to the world. Eventually I stumble over and get this phone... It's this bird, who's now outside the office!
I go down to let her in the main door. She looks really pissed off. I'm in my pants. I grunt, and stumble back up the stairwell, leaving her to go to the loo on the landing. Except I go back in the office and collapse near the door.
Next thing, I realise it's broad daylight, my mouth tastes like a french latrine and my head is pounding almost as loudly as the hammering on the door. Turns out she's been locked in the stairwell for three hours! I let her in, she goes over to shake Ben, who only farts in response, giggles in his sleep and then can't be roused. She leaves. I open door and say 'bonsoir'.
Turns out she's come froming Brighton in a taxi and ended up paying a couple hundred quid to come over (the taxi was waiting so, so long for her to wake us, she ended up going to the cash point herself!) only to be ignored, locked outside the gents and then farted at. Classic.
Amazingly... she still pops over for the occasional shag, but then he has got a ridiculously large penis. We call him 'horse', which may explain things.... lol
It goes back to when I worked in the Coke and Champagne fuelled world of recruitment.
My very good buddy Ben, and myself were out on the lash in Maidstone. All night he's been on the phone to this girl, begging her to come over for a drink, and a bit of fun in the office afterwards. I got on the phone and backed my buddy up, as any good wingman should... 'Oh, he's always going on about you. We speak at last' etc etc.
Anyway. He agreed to pay for her cab as soon as she could get there
We went out and got completely wasted. I mean purely and simply
ed!Sleeping on the office floor, I'm vaguely aware of our intercom system buzzing for what seemed like hours. There was no way I was moving, so in the end Bens phone starts ringing, but he's dead to the world. Eventually I stumble over and get this phone... It's this bird, who's now outside the office!
I go down to let her in the main door. She looks really pissed off. I'm in my pants. I grunt, and stumble back up the stairwell, leaving her to go to the loo on the landing. Except I go back in the office and collapse near the door.
Next thing, I realise it's broad daylight, my mouth tastes like a french latrine and my head is pounding almost as loudly as the hammering on the door. Turns out she's been locked in the stairwell for three hours! I let her in, she goes over to shake Ben, who only farts in response, giggles in his sleep and then can't be roused. She leaves. I open door and say 'bonsoir'.
Turns out she's come from
ing Brighton in a taxi and ended up paying a couple hundred quid to come over (the taxi was waiting so, so long for her to wake us, she ended up going to the cash point herself!) only to be ignored, locked outside the gents and then farted at. Classic.Amazingly... she still pops over for the occasional shag, but then he has got a ridiculously large penis. We call him 'horse', which may explain things.... lol
not really legendary, but me and buddy went to a darts presentation night, he got so bladdered he couldn't physically walk. I called a taxi to pick us up, and ended up having to give the driver a £50 deposit because he was convinced my mate would hurl, fortunately he didn't but he had arranged for some munter to stay the night and somehow she arrived at his shortly after we got there. Anyway, somehow he managed to raise his profile somewhat and kebab this bird during the night. ANyway, she obviously didn't fancy cuddling him all night (basically because it was a single bed and their combined weight was something like 6.2 tonnes), so she kipped in his brother's bed (me and his bro kipped in the lounge after a bit of PS2 tekken. Not for the first time, he decided to take a piss in the night. Unfortunately for the bird 'Big Bev' he used her as his lavatory and pissed all over her.
She woke up in a frenzy we ran into the room to find her slapping him silly then calling him a sick somethingorother and storming out.
I never mentioned this pissing incident at his wedding, but there have been others.
She woke up in a frenzy we ran into the room to find her slapping him silly then calling him a sick somethingorother and storming out.
I never mentioned this pissing incident at his wedding, but there have been others.
if I did that to them.
thewave said:
not really legendary, but me and buddy went to a darts presentation night, he got so bladdered he couldn't physically walk. I called a taxi to pick us up, and ended up having to give the driver a £50 deposit because he was convinced my mate would hurl, fortunately he didn't but he had arranged for some munter to stay the night and somehow she arrived at his shortly after we got there. Anyway, somehow he managed to raise his profile somewhat and kebab this bird during the night. ANyway, she obviously didn't fancy cuddling him all night (basically because it was a single bed and their combined weight was something like 6.2 tonnes), so she kipped in his brother's bed (me and his bro kipped in the lounge after a bit of PS2 tekken. Not for the first time, he decided to take a piss in the night. Unfortunately for the bird 'Big Bev' he used her as his lavatory and pissed all over her.
She woke up in a frenzy we ran into the room to find her slapping him silly then calling him a sick somethingorother and storming out.
I never mentioned this pissing incident at his wedding, but there have been others.
She woke up in a frenzy we ran into the room to find her slapping him silly then calling him a sick somethingorother and storming out.
I never mentioned this pissing incident at his wedding, but there have been others.
Girl I used to work with... her new husband came home one friday night and wee'd in their laundry basket.
The next night he sauntered in and had a dump, right in the middle of their bedroom floor. As far as I know they are still together... but she stayed at her mothers for a fair old while
KingRichard said:
thewave said:
not really legendary, but me and buddy went to a darts presentation night, he got so bladdered he couldn't physically walk. I called a taxi to pick us up, and ended up having to give the driver a £50 deposit because he was convinced my mate would hurl, fortunately he didn't but he had arranged for some munter to stay the night and somehow she arrived at his shortly after we got there. Anyway, somehow he managed to raise his profile somewhat and kebab this bird during the night. ANyway, she obviously didn't fancy cuddling him all night (basically because it was a single bed and their combined weight was something like 6.2 tonnes), so she kipped in his brother's bed (me and his bro kipped in the lounge after a bit of PS2 tekken. Not for the first time, he decided to take a piss in the night. Unfortunately for the bird 'Big Bev' he used her as his lavatory and pissed all over her.
She woke up in a frenzy we ran into the room to find her slapping him silly then calling him a sick somethingorother and storming out.
I never mentioned this pissing incident at his wedding, but there have been others.
She woke up in a frenzy we ran into the room to find her slapping him silly then calling him a sick somethingorother and storming out.
I never mentioned this pissing incident at his wedding, but there have been others.
Girl I used to work with... her new husband came home one friday night and wee'd in their laundry basket.
The next night he sauntered in and had a dump, right in the middle of their bedroom floor. As far as I know they are still together... but she stayed at her mothers for a fair old while
The Army Rumour Service has a classic thread on this topic...
http://www.arrse.co.uk/cpgn2/Forums/viewtopic/t=10...
http://www.arrse.co.uk/cpgn2/Forums/viewtopic/t=10...
On a rugby tour, me and a mate pulled, go back to the ladies flat, do our thing.
Next night out, same girls same result expect for my mate who feel much more comfortable with this girl and falls asleep and must of had a very big fart because next thing I know my ones friend is banging on the door, I am banging on her, have to stop and friend starts shouting at me to get out and take my mate with me.
Turns out he has shit everywhere and is sooo drunk is still asleep. Now not one to leave a job unfinished, I calm her down and say if I clean him up and drag him to the living room can we stay until I am done. Friend agrees, mine tells me to not be too long ( with a wink ) I end up laughing my arse to walking into a room with a 6ft 4in guy in a coma with shit every where, not so funny as i start to wake him ( which he won't ) so I start cleaning ( towel and kichen roll, nice).
Literally drag him naked into the living room and grab a quick shower, come out he has parped a little nugget out again so I quickley wipe it up, jump into bed, start up again, and stroke her face to make her feel special as I start thinking how can I lead the situation into a back door kicking, only to realise I must have had a clump of sh1te on the side on my pinky which I have just smeered down her face !
She is not happy, her friend is not happy, me with mate over my shoulder and just a pair of trousers on and his clothes in my hands ( he is still naked ).
Awesome tale of beered up fun to regale to the lads when we finally get back to the hotel ( mate stinks of sh1t stands there helping me act it out )
Next night out, same girls same result expect for my mate who feel much more comfortable with this girl and falls asleep and must of had a very big fart because next thing I know my ones friend is banging on the door, I am banging on her, have to stop and friend starts shouting at me to get out and take my mate with me.
Turns out he has shit everywhere and is sooo drunk is still asleep. Now not one to leave a job unfinished, I calm her down and say if I clean him up and drag him to the living room can we stay until I am done. Friend agrees, mine tells me to not be too long ( with a wink ) I end up laughing my arse to walking into a room with a 6ft 4in guy in a coma with shit every where, not so funny as i start to wake him ( which he won't ) so I start cleaning ( towel and kichen roll, nice).
Literally drag him naked into the living room and grab a quick shower, come out he has parped a little nugget out again so I quickley wipe it up, jump into bed, start up again, and stroke her face to make her feel special as I start thinking how can I lead the situation into a back door kicking, only to realise I must have had a clump of sh1te on the side on my pinky which I have just smeered down her face !
She is not happy, her friend is not happy, me with mate over my shoulder and just a pair of trousers on and his clothes in my hands ( he is still naked ).
Awesome tale of beered up fun to regale to the lads when we finally get back to the hotel ( mate stinks of sh1t stands there helping me act it out )
KingRichard said:
cronk-flakes said:
I can't think of any right now, but I'm only 18, so nothing legendary springs to mind... yet...
I think everyone has heard how I broke my ribs and decorated the parents lounge. So I'll come back with some more in a while.
Will have a look at photos from the past to jog the noggin a bit later!
Tampon said:
On a rugby tour, me and a mate pulled, go back to the ladies flat, do our thing.
Next night out, same girls same result expect for my mate who feel much more comfortable with this girl and falls asleep and must of had a very big fart because next thing I know my ones friend is banging on the door, I am banging on her, have to stop and friend starts shouting at me to get out and take my mate with me.
Turns out he has shit everywhere and is sooo drunk is still asleep. Now not one to leave a job unfinished, I calm her down and say if I clean him up and drag him to the living room can we stay until I am done. Friend agrees, mine tells me to not be too long ( with a wink ) I end up laughing my arse to walking into a room with a 6ft 4in guy in a coma with shit every where, not so funny as i start to wake him ( which he won't ) so I start cleaning ( towel and kichen roll, nice).
Literally drag him naked into the living room and grab a quick shower, come out he has parped a little nugget out again so I quickley wipe it up, jump into bed, start up again, and stroke her face to make her feel special as I start thinking how can I lead the situation into a back door kicking, only to realise I must have had a clump of sh1te on the side on my pinky which I have just smeered down her face !
She is not happy, her friend is not happy, me with mate over my shoulder and just a pair of trousers on and his clothes in my hands ( he is still naked ).
Awesome tale of beered up fun to regale to the lads when we finally get back to the hotel ( mate stinks of sh1t stands there helping me act it out )
You rugger guys are hardcoreNext night out, same girls same result expect for my mate who feel much more comfortable with this girl and falls asleep and must of had a very big fart because next thing I know my ones friend is banging on the door, I am banging on her, have to stop and friend starts shouting at me to get out and take my mate with me.
Turns out he has shit everywhere and is sooo drunk is still asleep. Now not one to leave a job unfinished, I calm her down and say if I clean him up and drag him to the living room can we stay until I am done. Friend agrees, mine tells me to not be too long ( with a wink ) I end up laughing my arse to walking into a room with a 6ft 4in guy in a coma with shit every where, not so funny as i start to wake him ( which he won't ) so I start cleaning ( towel and kichen roll, nice).
Literally drag him naked into the living room and grab a quick shower, come out he has parped a little nugget out again so I quickley wipe it up, jump into bed, start up again, and stroke her face to make her feel special as I start thinking how can I lead the situation into a back door kicking, only to realise I must have had a clump of sh1te on the side on my pinky which I have just smeered down her face !
She is not happy, her friend is not happy, me with mate over my shoulder and just a pair of trousers on and his clothes in my hands ( he is still naked ).
Awesome tale of beered up fun to regale to the lads when we finally get back to the hotel ( mate stinks of sh1t stands there helping me act it out )
If my mate took his liberties and squeezed one out whilst I was spit roasting a bird I'd have made him eat it, not cleaned him up
Edited by thewave on Friday 3rd August 17:29
thewave said:
Tampon said:
On a rugby tour, me and a mate pulled, go back to the ladies flat, do our thing.
Next night out, same girls same result expect for my mate who feel much more comfortable with this girl and falls asleep and must of had a very big fart because next thing I know my ones friend is banging on the door, I am banging on her, have to stop and friend starts shouting at me to get out and take my mate with me.
Turns out he has shit everywhere and is sooo drunk is still asleep. Now not one to leave a job unfinished, I calm her down and say if I clean him up and drag him to the living room can we stay until I am done. Friend agrees, mine tells me to not be too long ( with a wink ) I end up laughing my arse to walking into a room with a 6ft 4in guy in a coma with shit every where, not so funny as i start to wake him ( which he won't ) so I start cleaning ( towel and kichen roll, nice).
Literally drag him naked into the living room and grab a quick shower, come out he has parped a little nugget out again so I quickley wipe it up, jump into bed, start up again, and stroke her face to make her feel special as I start thinking how can I lead the situation into a back door kicking, only to realise I must have had a clump of sh1te on the side on my pinky which I have just smeered down her face !
She is not happy, her friend is not happy, me with mate over my shoulder and just a pair of trousers on and his clothes in my hands ( he is still naked ).
Awesome tale of beered up fun to regale to the lads when we finally get back to the hotel ( mate stinks of sh1t stands there helping me act it out )
You rugger guys are hardcoreNext night out, same girls same result expect for my mate who feel much more comfortable with this girl and falls asleep and must of had a very big fart because next thing I know my ones friend is banging on the door, I am banging on her, have to stop and friend starts shouting at me to get out and take my mate with me.
Turns out he has shit everywhere and is sooo drunk is still asleep. Now not one to leave a job unfinished, I calm her down and say if I clean him up and drag him to the living room can we stay until I am done. Friend agrees, mine tells me to not be too long ( with a wink ) I end up laughing my arse to walking into a room with a 6ft 4in guy in a coma with shit every where, not so funny as i start to wake him ( which he won't ) so I start cleaning ( towel and kichen roll, nice).
Literally drag him naked into the living room and grab a quick shower, come out he has parped a little nugget out again so I quickley wipe it up, jump into bed, start up again, and stroke her face to make her feel special as I start thinking how can I lead the situation into a back door kicking, only to realise I must have had a clump of sh1te on the side on my pinky which I have just smeered down her face !
She is not happy, her friend is not happy, me with mate over my shoulder and just a pair of trousers on and his clothes in my hands ( he is still naked ).
Awesome tale of beered up fun to regale to the lads when we finally get back to the hotel ( mate stinks of sh1t stands there helping me act it out )
If my mate took his liberties and squeezed one out whilst I was spit roasting a bird I'd have mate him eat it, not cleaned him up
Edited by Tampon on Friday 3rd August 17:33
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