Developing a thicker skin in the workplace
Discussion
Mid 30's and changed career couple of years ago so essentially at the bottom again which is fine as it's a ladder I want to climb.
However, some of the people I work with are the most two faced, spiteful people I've ever worked with. I'm pretty sociable, friendly and usually get involved in the 'banter'....however the person im reporting to I've found out is slagging me off to higher bosses about work related stuff that isn't true, makes me look silly in front of other colleagues with these snidey little comments to make her look good and myself look silly yet most of the time is nice as anything to my face so she seems completely fake. A few others more senior are similar in the two faced ways. However because I'm at the bottom again and like to keep friendly I let it pass.
Never really had it at other work places (and I'm trapped for the next year as they are paying for my qualification so I don't want to rock the boat until it's done), so wondering how people become immune and develop a thicker skin to two faced, back stabbing, sneaky colleagues??
However, some of the people I work with are the most two faced, spiteful people I've ever worked with. I'm pretty sociable, friendly and usually get involved in the 'banter'....however the person im reporting to I've found out is slagging me off to higher bosses about work related stuff that isn't true, makes me look silly in front of other colleagues with these snidey little comments to make her look good and myself look silly yet most of the time is nice as anything to my face so she seems completely fake. A few others more senior are similar in the two faced ways. However because I'm at the bottom again and like to keep friendly I let it pass.
Never really had it at other work places (and I'm trapped for the next year as they are paying for my qualification so I don't want to rock the boat until it's done), so wondering how people become immune and develop a thicker skin to two faced, back stabbing, sneaky colleagues??
Short answer would be to leave, but ou’re said that comes at a financial cost (and presumably time putting you back to the start). That said, you should explore if anyone is prepared to take you on and cover perhaps some of those qualification costs.
Otherwise, it’s the usual: put everything in writing (without making it really obvious), remain polite and respectful and get a calendar counting down the days.
Otherwise, it’s the usual: put everything in writing (without making it really obvious), remain polite and respectful and get a calendar counting down the days.
I'm doing a degree that is paid for by the apprenticeship levy so dont want to leave just yet as I haven't got to long to go and don't really want to report it as it never goes down to well. Just wondered how I can go home and forget about the comments or backstabbing? I've never had an issue anywhere before ive worked so not had to deal with it.
Personally I would challenge them about it, do you have regular 1 - 1's with your manager. I have worked in a few toxic environments and they never have worked out but I have always challenged bad behaviour but I'm quite thick skinned about these things. I find it's usually a confidence thing when managers are back bitting and telling tales.
Edited to correct spelling mistake...
Edited to correct spelling mistake...
Edited by jimmythingy on Thursday 18th May 08:01
Just stop giving a s
t about what people think about you. You don't want to be friends with dheads and they've proven that they're dheads and they're badmouthing you to other dheads and you don't want to be friends with people like that so why care?
Paid to do a job. Turn up, do the job, move on to something better when the opportunity presents itself. It's not down to you to fix horrible work environments.
t about what people think about you. You don't want to be friends with dheads and they've proven that they're dheads and they're badmouthing you to other dheads and you don't want to be friends with people like that so why care? Paid to do a job. Turn up, do the job, move on to something better when the opportunity presents itself. It's not down to you to fix horrible work environments.
Your only options are to start your own business or go to work and ignore her.
I’d wager she is fat so is probably bitter about her body and life so is taking it out on you to make herself feel better. She will have a miserable life and death so just carry on doing well and leave her to waddle sadly about the place making herself miserable.
I’d wager she is fat so is probably bitter about her body and life so is taking it out on you to make herself feel better. She will have a miserable life and death so just carry on doing well and leave her to waddle sadly about the place making herself miserable.
The biggest fears for many are potentially needing that most basic reference from the former employer whom they despise.
Well, either they provide one or they don't. If they do then they cannot say anything untrue and defamatory about anyone.
That fear, along with the fear of burning these imaginary bridges, it being a small world where everyone apparently knows everyone else etc.
Total rubbish.
I've found that careers and jobs are like conveyer belts: you end up leaving, you get replaced and you're eventually forgotten about over time.
Or if you are remembered by anyone then it's as being the one who was a scaredy cat pushover.
If you do end up working with one of those people again then those previous incorrect perceptions could be carried forward and damage done in your new workplace when you've been trying your hardest to start afresh. You don't want or deserve that.
The question then is: if you're going to be forgotten about or remembered negatively then what do you have to fear by confronting unscrupulous employers and/or cowardly colleagues?
Sure you may go out with a bit of a bang but in the grand scheme of things, as long as you're in the right then everyone will actually come to respect you and remember you more favourably. You can leave with your head held high.
Plus, even if you didn't quite get the effect or result you desired, then at least you tried, you rattled cages and you confronted people / an organisation with the reality of what they are.
As you can tell, I'm an advocate for people not allowing themselves to be treated like muck at work and walked all over just because of fear and a lack of knowledge.
As others have said, they can turn out to be the biggest pussy-cats who won't know how to handle a taste of their own medicine.
If anyone asks 'why not just leave?', it's not that simple for many. Besides, always remember this:
1. 'HR is not your friend' - this adage is always true. They're there to ensure the company doesn't get into trouble. If it means throwing you under the bus then they will. Even the entry level junior HR assistant with whom you used to go out for lunch, coffee or drinks now has a chip on their shoulder. It's their time to shine in front of their superiors and prove to themselves that they really are in a career in HR (even though they're not - nobody woke up one day as a child and said 'you know what? When I grow up, I want to work in HR').
2. By the same token, employees have rights and employers have obligations. In every contract there's an implied term of mutual trust and confidence. If they can't respect that in any way, whether through employees or otherwise, then they need a wake-up call. As I said above, as the one doing it, you'll earn respect, whether or not you remain an employee.
Another piece of advice: keep a log of specific incidents and correspondence. The sooner the better, otherwise it could just look like a paper trail.
And if anyone has specific annoying habits then keep a log.
And a tally chart. Just make sure you keep the tally chart safe. I had a supervisor who annoyed me massively but who kept using the same buzzwords and phrases ad nauseum, so for me it was a coping mechanism and a way to make light of a dire situation.
She found out I had a tally chart and took it off my desk (despite my hiding it), then when I couldn't it find upon arrival at work one morning confronted me about it!
Well, either they provide one or they don't. If they do then they cannot say anything untrue and defamatory about anyone.
That fear, along with the fear of burning these imaginary bridges, it being a small world where everyone apparently knows everyone else etc.
Total rubbish.
I've found that careers and jobs are like conveyer belts: you end up leaving, you get replaced and you're eventually forgotten about over time.
Or if you are remembered by anyone then it's as being the one who was a scaredy cat pushover.
If you do end up working with one of those people again then those previous incorrect perceptions could be carried forward and damage done in your new workplace when you've been trying your hardest to start afresh. You don't want or deserve that.
The question then is: if you're going to be forgotten about or remembered negatively then what do you have to fear by confronting unscrupulous employers and/or cowardly colleagues?
Sure you may go out with a bit of a bang but in the grand scheme of things, as long as you're in the right then everyone will actually come to respect you and remember you more favourably. You can leave with your head held high.
Plus, even if you didn't quite get the effect or result you desired, then at least you tried, you rattled cages and you confronted people / an organisation with the reality of what they are.
As you can tell, I'm an advocate for people not allowing themselves to be treated like muck at work and walked all over just because of fear and a lack of knowledge.
As others have said, they can turn out to be the biggest pussy-cats who won't know how to handle a taste of their own medicine.
If anyone asks 'why not just leave?', it's not that simple for many. Besides, always remember this:
1. 'HR is not your friend' - this adage is always true. They're there to ensure the company doesn't get into trouble. If it means throwing you under the bus then they will. Even the entry level junior HR assistant with whom you used to go out for lunch, coffee or drinks now has a chip on their shoulder. It's their time to shine in front of their superiors and prove to themselves that they really are in a career in HR (even though they're not - nobody woke up one day as a child and said 'you know what? When I grow up, I want to work in HR').
2. By the same token, employees have rights and employers have obligations. In every contract there's an implied term of mutual trust and confidence. If they can't respect that in any way, whether through employees or otherwise, then they need a wake-up call. As I said above, as the one doing it, you'll earn respect, whether or not you remain an employee.
Another piece of advice: keep a log of specific incidents and correspondence. The sooner the better, otherwise it could just look like a paper trail.
And if anyone has specific annoying habits then keep a log.
And a tally chart. Just make sure you keep the tally chart safe. I had a supervisor who annoyed me massively but who kept using the same buzzwords and phrases ad nauseum, so for me it was a coping mechanism and a way to make light of a dire situation.
She found out I had a tally chart and took it off my desk (despite my hiding it), then when I couldn't it find upon arrival at work one morning confronted me about it!
Edited by captain.scarlet on Thursday 18th May 08:00
simons123 said:
I haven't got to long to go and don't really want to report it as it never goes down to well.
Do you know what is the one thing that can absolutely, guarantee, that an issue doesnt get fixed?Not reporting it.
Long version - I work in training and with apprentices and one of the most important messages we try and get across is that doing the right thing often/usually will feel like the wrong thing, in the short term.
if you have a grievance with an employee, raise it, in the manner your company expects and as per their own procedures. If that doesnt work, go higher. Keep going till someone listens. Someone WILL listen.
simons123 said:
Mid 30's and changed career couple of years ago so essentially at the bottom again which is fine as it's a ladder I want to climb.
However, some of the people I work with are the most two faced, spiteful people I've ever worked with. I'm pretty sociable, friendly and usually get involved in the 'banter'....however the person im reporting to I've found out is slagging me off to higher bosses about work related stuff that isn't true, makes me look silly in front of other colleagues with these snidey little comments to make her look good and myself look silly yet most of the time is nice as anything to my face so she seems completely fake. A few others more senior are similar in the two faced ways. However because I'm at the bottom again and like to keep friendly I let it pass.
Never really had it at other work places (and I'm trapped for the next year as they are paying for my qualification so I don't want to rock the boat until it's done), so wondering how people become immune and develop a thicker skin to two faced, back stabbing, sneaky colleagues??
If a person slags off other people in your company then there is a high chance they will do that to you when in the company of others.However, some of the people I work with are the most two faced, spiteful people I've ever worked with. I'm pretty sociable, friendly and usually get involved in the 'banter'....however the person im reporting to I've found out is slagging me off to higher bosses about work related stuff that isn't true, makes me look silly in front of other colleagues with these snidey little comments to make her look good and myself look silly yet most of the time is nice as anything to my face so she seems completely fake. A few others more senior are similar in the two faced ways. However because I'm at the bottom again and like to keep friendly I let it pass.
Never really had it at other work places (and I'm trapped for the next year as they are paying for my qualification so I don't want to rock the boat until it's done), so wondering how people become immune and develop a thicker skin to two faced, back stabbing, sneaky colleagues??
Office politics, not missed by me in the slightest.
TX.
simons123 said:
Mid 30's and changed career couple of years ago so essentially at the bottom again which is fine as it's a ladder I want to climb.
However, some of the people I work with are the most two faced, spiteful people I've ever worked with. I'm pretty sociable, friendly and usually get involved in the 'banter'....however the person im reporting to I've found out is slagging me off to higher bosses about work related stuff that isn't true, makes me look silly in front of other colleagues with these snidey little comments to make her look good and myself look silly yet most of the time is nice as anything to my face so she seems completely fake. A few others more senior are similar in the two faced ways. However because I'm at the bottom again and like to keep friendly I let it pass.
Never really had it at other work places (and I'm trapped for the next year as they are paying for my qualification so I don't want to rock the boat until it's done), so wondering how people become immune and develop a thicker skin to two faced, back stabbing, sneaky colleagues??
I think you have formed an unhealthy view about what is happening. You need to try to understand why your relationship with your boss has broken down and try to fix it. However, some of the people I work with are the most two faced, spiteful people I've ever worked with. I'm pretty sociable, friendly and usually get involved in the 'banter'....however the person im reporting to I've found out is slagging me off to higher bosses about work related stuff that isn't true, makes me look silly in front of other colleagues with these snidey little comments to make her look good and myself look silly yet most of the time is nice as anything to my face so she seems completely fake. A few others more senior are similar in the two faced ways. However because I'm at the bottom again and like to keep friendly I let it pass.
Never really had it at other work places (and I'm trapped for the next year as they are paying for my qualification so I don't want to rock the boat until it's done), so wondering how people become immune and develop a thicker skin to two faced, back stabbing, sneaky colleagues??
Confront her with a positive attitude - e.g. I have heard that you are not happy about my performance on X what can I do to fix this?
There is a problem and you are part of it. If you can narrow in on it you have a chance of fixing it.
Elysium said:
I think you have formed an unhealthy view about what is happening. You need to try to understand why your relationship with your boss has broken down and try to fix it.
Confront her with a positive attitude - e.g. I have heard that you are not happy about my performance on X what can I do to fix this?
There is a problem and you are part of it. If you can narrow in on it you have a chance of fixing it.
^^ this.Confront her with a positive attitude - e.g. I have heard that you are not happy about my performance on X what can I do to fix this?
There is a problem and you are part of it. If you can narrow in on it you have a chance of fixing it.
I'm not saying this is you, but I find that many people are quick to lay blame on others and don't take the time to sit back and evaluate what they're doing and what they could do differently to achieve a different outcome.
My wife works at a place where everyone blames someone else when there's an issue. Everyone does the same tomorrow that they did today and then they complain that nothing has changed.
Annoyingly, one thing I discovered fairly late on in my career (now retired) is that sometimes it can be fun to kill it with kindness.
I had a colleague who was deeply unpleasant. I actually didn't give a st, but started to be over the top nice to this person. I'd ask about their weekend (but never gave them any info about my weekend or personal situation) and generally be interested in them and polite.
They hate it. They actually want YOU to be nasty back so they can complain about you to their boss.
It does require a lot of effort, as the natural reaction is to fight back, but I can guarantee that the first time you do this, the look on their face will be priceless.
My colleague ended up thinking I was their best friend and even phoned up for advice after I left. Only happened once as I blocked their number.
I had a colleague who was deeply unpleasant. I actually didn't give a s
t, but started to be over the top nice to this person. I'd ask about their weekend (but never gave them any info about my weekend or personal situation) and generally be interested in them and polite.They hate it. They actually want YOU to be nasty back so they can complain about you to their boss.
It does require a lot of effort, as the natural reaction is to fight back, but I can guarantee that the first time you do this, the look on their face will be priceless.
My colleague ended up thinking I was their best friend and even phoned up for advice after I left. Only happened once as I blocked their number.
simons123 said:
Mid 30's and changed career couple of years ago so essentially at the bottom again which is fine as it's a ladder I want to climb.
However, some of the people I work with are the most two faced, spiteful people I've ever worked with. I'm pretty sociable, friendly and usually get involved in the 'banter'....however the person im reporting to I've found out is slagging me off to higher bosses about work related stuff that isn't true, makes me look silly in front of other colleagues with these snidey little comments to make her look good and myself look silly yet most of the time is nice as anything to my face so she seems completely fake. A few others more senior are similar in the two faced ways. However because I'm at the bottom again and like to keep friendly I let it pass.
Never really had it at other work places (and I'm trapped for the next year as they are paying for my qualification so I don't want to rock the boat until it's done), so wondering how people become immune and develop a thicker skin to two faced, back stabbing, sneaky colleagues??
Op.However, some of the people I work with are the most two faced, spiteful people I've ever worked with. I'm pretty sociable, friendly and usually get involved in the 'banter'....however the person im reporting to I've found out is slagging me off to higher bosses about work related stuff that isn't true, makes me look silly in front of other colleagues with these snidey little comments to make her look good and myself look silly yet most of the time is nice as anything to my face so she seems completely fake. A few others more senior are similar in the two faced ways. However because I'm at the bottom again and like to keep friendly I let it pass.
Never really had it at other work places (and I'm trapped for the next year as they are paying for my qualification so I don't want to rock the boat until it's done), so wondering how people become immune and develop a thicker skin to two faced, back stabbing, sneaky colleagues??
Go to her boss. Hey just wanted to say my boss Mrs xxx had really helped me settle in here. I'm learning alot from her she's good at xxx and yyy. Anyway just wanted to touch base with you on this as people never give good feedback it's always the bad crisis that seems to get talked about.
This will throw a massive spanner in the works and make her boss think she is a
.If you have definitive evidence of this (not just he said, she said), discuss with them directly in private. It doesn't have to be a war....just politely stating as to why it's not good as a leader to say x, y, z about your team when it's not true....and ask them to stop.
Where you go from there will depend on the immediate response during that conversation and then afterwards.
If there are any recriminations or very negative response, go up one level.
Where you go from there will depend on the immediate response during that conversation and then afterwards.
If there are any recriminations or very negative response, go up one level.
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