Leaving Police for WFH job, feel like I'm having a breakdown

Leaving Police for WFH job, feel like I'm having a breakdown

Author
Discussion

redrabbit29

Original Poster:

1,852 posts

140 months

Monday 2nd January 2023
quotequote all
Hi everyone

Sorry for this massive rambly post. I'm in a really bad spot and can't sleep. I'm struggling at the moment and just needed to get this out.

I'm about to leave the Police to join a company which is 100% WFH. I have worked hybrid for a few years in my police role and it's been good. However I am now extremely nervous and can't help feeling total dread with this new role and the upcoming change.

A few things:

1) leaving the police after 15 years is terrifying. It's everything I know and it basically feels like my whole identity. It's similar I'd imagine to the military.

2) I don't have many friends outside of work - and uniquely in the police your colleagues do become your friends as that is just the culture. WFH with a colleague in Spain or Dublin is unlikely to be the same for obvious reasons.

3) I don't have much of a social life

4) I already feel depressed and in a bad way. This is partly due to a really bad 2022 when my Dad was very sick and then died in November. I gained a huge amount of weight during the year as I just neglected myself and was caring for him by visiting hospital etc. (NOTE: Although it's a huge loss I grieved for my dad even before he died as he had sudden dementia and other things. So when he died I didn't feel much emotion - I actually felt relief)

5) My partner works full time for the police (staff member) and I have feelings already that I'll be lonely as she heads off for work, leaving me at home with the cat for another full day alone

6) I think my motives for moving roles are good. I'm bored in my current job and have specialist skills that just can't be utilised within the police. The new job pays double the salary and so financially it is very good. It may just be fear or stepping out of my comfort zone, or all of the above. I've been offered other roles before and regretted not taking them.

7) I feel like I'm having a breakdown and can't sleep or concentrate. It's 4am and again I've not slept from worrying and my head being full of stuff. I also feel entirely hopeless - like what's the point of it all. I'm miserable all the time and I think this big decision and big change is causing extreme stress and anxiety.

Sorry again for rambles.

Thanks



alabbasi

2,705 posts

94 months

Monday 2nd January 2023
quotequote all
First question that comes to my mind is why are you leaving?

actionjack

31 posts

144 months

Monday 2nd January 2023
quotequote all
Sorry for not reading the full post, but good look going forward.

redrabbit29

Original Poster:

1,852 posts

140 months

Monday 2nd January 2023
quotequote all
alabbasi said:
First question that comes to my mind is why are you leaving?
I've worked hard to acquire a lot of skills which happen to be transferrable. I've outgrown the role I'm currently doing. I could get promoted or move but it would be in an entirely different area of work - almost like going backwards

I've applied and been offered other external roles over the years. I turned them down and regretted some of it as I felt I had taken the easy option of staying

I'm basically coasting at the moment and not developing or learning anything new day to day

redrabbit29

Original Poster:

1,852 posts

140 months

Monday 2nd January 2023
quotequote all
actionjack said:
Sorry for not reading the full post, but good look going forward.
Thank you!

alabbasi

2,705 posts

94 months

Monday 2nd January 2023
quotequote all
redrabbit29 said:
I've worked hard to acquire a lot of skills which happen to be transferrable. I've outgrown the role I'm currently doing. I could get promoted or move but it would be in an entirely different area of work - almost like going backwards

I've applied and been offered other external roles over the years. I turned them down and regretted some of it as I felt I had taken the easy option of staying

I'm basically coasting at the moment and not developing or learning anything new day to day
I wish you the best of luck. You already recognize while you need to move one, now it's just a matter of executing on it. Not every hit has to be a home run so as long as you're able to make adjustments along the way, you will make it work. It's a challenge, but that's what you're looking for..

FHCNICK

1,306 posts

238 months

Monday 2nd January 2023
quotequote all
Hi RR,

Sorry to hear that you are feeling so low right now. Firstly my sympathies for the loss of your father, please don't feel guilty for the relief you felt at his passing as in my opinion this is normal under the circumstances and as you said you did your grieving when he had lost that spark that made him your dad.

The WFH scenario is difficult, many pro's & con's but it isn't for everyone. The workplace provides most people with a massive part of their social life and/or interactions that make the working day more interesting and I can only guess that this is more heightened when working for the police.

I have been WFH since Jan 2020 and have missed the social aspect greatly but it did mean that I could carry on as normal through the pandemic which probably kept my head in the right place through that time. It is possible to enjoy interacting with people you might never have met, give it a go and see for yourself.

Personally I am comfortable with a very small circle of great friends who live far enough away that we have to make plans to get together, I supplement this with car club membership which has meant meeting a lot of new people and there is always something going on.

You don't say what area you are in or age, kids etc. Without knowing you it is hard to say anything worthwhile but I hope you can find some positivity going into your new role as you had already identified that your current role does not challenge you. I feel sure that having a more challenging role will ultimately provide you with more fulfillment during your working hours.

All the best
Nick

ps apologies if anything I have said is not helpful, was honestly with the best intentions and I hope things improve for you soon.

fttm

3,865 posts

142 months

Monday 2nd January 2023
quotequote all
Double the salary has to help ? Set yourself goals each day and start being more social , gym/ clubs / pubs / dog walking , just anything that involves leaving the house and interacting with people .

simons123

201 posts

23 months

Monday 2nd January 2023
quotequote all
You are doubling your money and learning new skills...seems like a complete no brainer to me.

You just have the fear of change after being at one job for so long, I completely get it, it's normal. However you are out now and it will be the best thing you will have ever done. If you don't like this new job after a year then your are in a much better position then what you would have been if you stayed with the Police. It will be easier to move on from the new job plus you will have learned new skills as well. Working from home all the time would suck but you'll get used to it if doing stuff in the day like going the gym on your lunch. Plus least you have a partner as well.

Ted52

22 posts

23 months

Monday 2nd January 2023
quotequote all
Stick with it. The confidence curve affects us all, it's like buyers regret.
Policing is a highly introspective career. The esprit de corps / bunker mentality on top of only dealing with either bad people or people in a bad place perpetuates it. I doubt you'll miss the bureaucracy or recycling of 'new initiatives'.
There is life on the outside. Imagine doing another 20 years because you felt obliged? Hitting eject and reinventing yourself has to be a better option.

Meeten-5dulx

2,815 posts

63 months

Monday 2nd January 2023
quotequote all
WFH is commonplace now, but got back 3yrs and it wasn't the case.
I've moved from being office based to WFH and many people say they wouldn't like that. I was apprehensive, but in honesty it's been a great move.
Yes, there are times when I wish I had others in a similar role to talk to / bounce ideas off / have banter with - but those moments are rare and the benefits far outweigh them.

Think about the plus sides, being able to get small jobs done round the house, go to the gym at irregular hours, being there for deliveries, not having to commute, expenses saved, not dealing with grade a d1ckh3eads, get dinner made for your partner ....

Embrace the change, humans are adaptable and given time, I'm sure you will be able to deal with the change.

PurpleTurtle

7,597 posts

151 months

Monday 2nd January 2023
quotequote all
A good mate of mine left the Met after a similar period of time for similar reasons. His skills were in the area of financial investigation, AML etc.

First off: you’re not alone, loads of people feel like this, he had a similar tale to tell. You sound as though you’re very institutionalised by the Police, this is not surprising.

The biggest thing my pal found was that day to day life in civvy st was a bit different in that people were either of two mindsets: forward thinkers willing to challenge things and shake it up a bit (unlike the Met) or old timers just plodding on, toeing the company line (exactly like the Met) because they had one eye on a fat final salary pension.

Obviously permanent WFH will be a culture shock, especially in a new role where you don’t know your team mates, but the main thing you should focus on is the positives that brings. I’ve been doing full time WFH for 5yrs now and would never go back to a regular Mon-Fri job because of my commute. That said, I don’t depend on my job for my social life. Use the time you don’t spend commuting to do some exercise: running, cycling, swimming, gym etc, so you don’t put on more weight. It’s very easy to get into that spiral of not doing any exercise when you WFH.

If I were you I would take advantage of the increased flexibility that WFH offers to widen my interests, do more things, meet more people. Also, things move faster in civvy street - you are no longer on a Police career path. My pal actually found that he hated his first job that he moved to but stuck it out for 12 months so that he had something solid on his CV as his post-Police career, then used his transferable skills to do exactly that - move elsewhere. He’s on his third job down the line now, having been headhunted into his latest role by someone he worked with in his second job.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that your new job is a bit of a leap into the unknown for you, but it’s not the be all and end all. It’s not a binary situation of your current role vs your new one. Use it as a springboard, if you like it then great, if you don’t then use it as an opportunity to move into something else, which may have hybrid/full time office potential. You certainly would not be the last person who turned up for interview to say that they left their last job because they didn’t like 100% WFH.

Sorry to hear about your Dad. My own has just had a dementia diagnosis so I’m just starting out on this journey but have an expectation of how hard it can be. Grief is a complex thing, get some help in confidence if you need to talk to someone.

I guess the real complicating factor is your partner still being a civilian in the police. Is she the kind of person to bring her work home with her? Having endured a mother who used to bring the minutae of everything that happened in her typing pool home every day throughout my childhood I’ve run a strict policy in my adult life of not bringing all that bullst into the home. If a partner needs a brain dump or a de-stress then tell them to do it the moment they get in. My wife works in a school, thinks I want to hear all the gossip, I don’t. Imposing a ‘no work chat after dinner’ rule might seem a bit harsh, but it stops all that BS creeping into your life. I would do this if I were you, to allow yourself some separation, that you are no longer ‘in’ the police once you’ve left.

Good luck.

toasty

7,784 posts

227 months

Monday 2nd January 2023
quotequote all
Firstly, speak to your doctor about the depression. They can get you the help you need, temporarily while you settle or longer term. I’ve done both and it’s made a huge difference to my mental health.

Leaving the police will be like leaving a tribe. If you miss the camaraderie then consider joining another tribe in your spare time. Maybe the Round Table, Masons or a golf club. You might find there’s a load of police and ex-police there to welcome you.

Working from home full time can be great. Depending on the role you may be chatting to people through the day and may not feel isolated at all. I used to joke that after 3 months of wfh you start talking to the dog and after 6 months the dog starts talking back to you.

I wish you all the best in your new venture. Now go and book an appointment with the doc.

981Boxess

11,530 posts

265 months

Monday 2nd January 2023
quotequote all
In response to your points:

1) Understandable reservations but not ones that would stop me doing it.
2) I wouldn’t underestimate the worth of daily human interaction.
3) That isn’t going to help being isolated at home.
4) Having been through the same I get it, time really is the only healer and it will never leave you completely you just learn to live with it.
5) Not a good sign.
6) Nothing wrong with wanting to better yourself or your job but keep in mind if the only thing that puts a smile on your face is work you already have a problem. I have done some jobs I have not particularly enjoyed to allow me to do things I did enjoy – not the other way round. You work to live, not live to work.
7) This is a far from hopeless situation – on the face of it you are employed in a secure job, you are in a relationship and are hopefully in good health – there would be an awful lot of people who would swap places with you in a heartbeat.

Based on a very small sample of people I know WFH is not for everyone, there is a big difference between doing it 100% and other percentages. There are also lots of other variables to consider that you have not brought into this thread (fair enough) and those could also make a huge difference to your thinking.
We are currently going through what could only be described as turbulent times, I would concentrate on putting a smile on your face today rather than worrying about your job. Depending on your age and drive there will always be other/better times to go out and earn money if you are not sure about this one.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

trashbat

6,008 posts

160 months

Monday 2nd January 2023
quotequote all
Here's my advice - some of it echoes other very good advice on this thread. Hopefully some of it chimes and helps you.

- You are moving from a very well understood situation into an unfamiliar one. Our brains don't like uncertainty so we can tend to catastrophise, which in your case is across the near-infinite possibilities of what this new job could be like. But when you actually start it, that breadth of possibility will collapse into a much narrower, known thing. There is no point you wasting energy worrying about things that may not even be relevant. For now, just try and defer it until you're actually there.

- We are adaptable creatures. I went from a job that was solo, WFH, no defined hours as long as the work gets done, to one that was very team based, process-heavy and 9-5 in an office. I did worry about how I was going to adapt to that (again), but it was no big deal in the end; the novelty and learning gets you through until it's normal again. Then the inverse was imposed under Covid and again most of us got by. You just have to see how it goes.

- It sounds like you need to decouple social from work. I can't solutionise this for you, but for me, I recently joined a walking (ramblers) group and they do so much stuff, both walking and social, that you could easily build your whole social life around it. Work is transient and on someone else's terms; find your own thing. It's hard, especially past ~30 years of age, and you might have to work at it, but there are options. Don't procrastinate though; my regret is not doing this years earlier.

- Try and zoom out to look at the holistic; there will be bits about your new life that, you know what, aren't as good as before. You might be lonely during the working day, or bored at times. Your goal isn't to win on every detail, it's to have things right overall. If a lonely job gives you the time, money and headspace to be social outside work, and you're happier overall, maybe that's a success.

- With all of this, including the job, it might not necessarily work out first go. There are other jobs, other social options. If you approach each thing in good faith, with the idea that it might work out well for you, and you give it the necessary time, then you've done your best. If it isn't right, try something else. I'm saying this because you don't need to feel like your whole existence is bet on a particular thing working out, especially when that's not entirely within your control.

- Help is available. Try talking to your GP. They'll get you to fill out depression & anxiety questionnaires which are about how intrusive these things are into your life - how often you think about them - not how dramatic or horrible your story is or isn't. This will give you an objective idea of how seriously you should be taking the idea of therapies. A lot of people I know are in therapy of some form; there's hopefully much less of a stigma attached than there was in the past. It's ultimately just talking about the same sort of things as we are here.

- You've had a very difficult 2022 (my sympathies and condolences) so whilst it's a kind of platitude and easier said than done, please try and be kind to yourself. Allow yourself some concessions.

Edited by trashbat on Monday 2nd January 10:12

Big Stevie

594 posts

23 months

Monday 2nd January 2023
quotequote all
I had depression a few years ago, caused mostly by an ever increasing workload and not being given time to do it. My workload snowballed and I began thinking about it when at home. Doctor prescribed me some medication that she said would take 6 weeks to work, and she was right, after 6 weeks I did feel a lot better. I later changed my job and felt so much better that I was able to come off the medication.

In the OP's case it could be fear of the unknown. I sometimes worry about things that aren't known and haven't happened, but have a chance of happening. But this drawing sometimes helps put things in perspective and makes me realise that those things most likely won't happen..





Edited by Big Stevie on Monday 2nd January 20:14

superpippo

196 posts

209 months

Monday 2nd January 2023
quotequote all
I felt a bit like this after leaving my 19 year long employment for something new that was paid a lot more, job was also much more demanding, etc.

In the end it worked out well and I'm happy I went for it. It will work out also for you - sometimes you need to make some choices. Man up and you won't regret it. But the beginning will probably be hard. Adjusting to new routines, ,colleagues, etc. will take some time.

MBVitoria

2,505 posts

230 months

Monday 2nd January 2023
quotequote all
fttm said:
Double the salary has to help ? Set yourself goals each day and start being more social , gym/ clubs / pubs / dog walking , just anything that involves leaving the house and interacting with people .
This. Sounds like your life to date is built on being a cop and the unique social life challenges that brings. You need to push out of your comfort zone and explore your interests. Plenty of dosh is bound to help.

V normal to feel trepidation when stepping away from familiarity but you'll be grand!

Zero7

512 posts

190 months

Tuesday 3rd January 2023
quotequote all
Get some hobbies (the money should help), get a routine that involves some going out, walks, gym in the mornings, you will make friends via hobbies and the gym. Treat WFH with discipline and separate it from your personal life.

StevieBee

13,579 posts

262 months

Tuesday 3rd January 2023
quotequote all
PurpleTurtle said:
You sound as though you’re very institutionalised by the Police
I'd say this is the lion's share of your problems OP. I see it a lot of this across all of the public sector.

We've offered employment or contract to opportunities to many highly competent public sector individuals over the years who all expressed a keen desire to leave. Only a small handful ever did and they have all flown on to tremendous heights professionally, financially and mentally. Those that didn't are all largely doing the same thing they were doing years ago and still looking for an out door that they will never walk through.