Wash your hands FFS
Discussion
The Daily Mash said:
NORTHERNERS TERRIFIED OF TOILET PAPER, SAYS STUDY
People in the north of England refuse to use to toilet paper believing it will steal their soul, according to new research.
Scientists say this fear of toilet paper means their hands gradually become covered in faecal matter until they look like they are wearing a pair of brown suede gloves.
When this is combined with the Northerners long-held fear of soap the result is a public transport system teeming with exotic diseases and reeking of undiluted human waste.
Ministers are now warning of a cholera outbreak on the Newcastle Metro system unless someone is able to convince the local population that Andrex is not a manifestation of the evil god 'Pazuzu'.
Bill McKay, a retired engineer from North Shields, said: "Everyone knows your soul lives just inside your bumshaft and that it loves the taste of toilet paper.
"My uncle Jim used toilet paper once. Overnight he turned into a zombie and went to live in Gateshead. He died 30 years later."
Mr McKay added: "Back Pazuzu! I do renounce thee! Thou will not tempt me with thy three layers of demonic quiltiness!"
A department of health spokesman said: "We're producing a DVD showing how toilet paper is made, including the use of sustainable forests, the bleaching process, the perforations between each sheet and even how they get it all onto the roll.
"At each stage we will have an interview with a reputable scientist pointing out the absence of soul-hungry demons."
Triggered by this news article... http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/7667499.stmPeople in the north of England refuse to use to toilet paper believing it will steal their soul, according to new research.
Scientists say this fear of toilet paper means their hands gradually become covered in faecal matter until they look like they are wearing a pair of brown suede gloves.
When this is combined with the Northerners long-held fear of soap the result is a public transport system teeming with exotic diseases and reeking of undiluted human waste.
Ministers are now warning of a cholera outbreak on the Newcastle Metro system unless someone is able to convince the local population that Andrex is not a manifestation of the evil god 'Pazuzu'.
Bill McKay, a retired engineer from North Shields, said: "Everyone knows your soul lives just inside your bumshaft and that it loves the taste of toilet paper.
"My uncle Jim used toilet paper once. Overnight he turned into a zombie and went to live in Gateshead. He died 30 years later."
Mr McKay added: "Back Pazuzu! I do renounce thee! Thou will not tempt me with thy three layers of demonic quiltiness!"
A department of health spokesman said: "We're producing a DVD showing how toilet paper is made, including the use of sustainable forests, the bleaching process, the perforations between each sheet and even how they get it all onto the roll.
"At each stage we will have an interview with a reputable scientist pointing out the absence of soul-hungry demons."
Auntie said:
Faecal bacteria join the commute
More than one in four commuters has bacteria from faeces on their hands, an investigation suggests.
Scientists from the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine swabbed 409 people at bus and train stations in five major cities in England and Wales.
The further north they went, the more often they found commuters with faecal bacteria on their hands - men in Newcastle were the worst offenders.
Experts stressed the importance of hand hygiene for preventing illness.
The bacteria found suggested people were not washing their hands properly after using the toilet, said the researchers.
More than one in four commuters has bacteria from faeces on their hands, an investigation suggests.
Scientists from the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine swabbed 409 people at bus and train stations in five major cities in England and Wales.
The further north they went, the more often they found commuters with faecal bacteria on their hands - men in Newcastle were the worst offenders.
Experts stressed the importance of hand hygiene for preventing illness.
The bacteria found suggested people were not washing their hands properly after using the toilet, said the researchers.
Hoppy2008 said:
pitmanSX said:
£500 says if you swabbed your keyboard you'd find faecal matter too.
Stop talking sEdited by pitmanSX on Wednesday 15th October 12:59
thttp://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/7377002.stm
pitmanSX said:
Hoppy2008 said:
pitmanSX said:
£500 says if you swabbed your keyboard you'd find faecal matter too.
Stop talking sEdited by pitmanSX on Wednesday 15th October 12:59
thttp://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/7377002.stm
Very unlikely on my keyboard as I thoroughly wash my hands and nobody else has used it. You will find dried couscous in between the keys as the fker pings everywhere when I eat it. So scientists will think my keyboard was owned by a very clean hippy.
ker pings everywhere when I eat it. So scientists will think my keyboard was owned by a very clean hippy.Edited by shadowninja on Wednesday 15th October 13:45
Well, speaking as someone who lives in the "north", i personnaly use bog roll, i find socks are unhygeinic, and whats more to the point i definatley dont use public loos, that izal medicated bog roll rips your ...... to pieces! Anyway, got to go now, must wash hands before i leave northern desease all over PH!
pitmanSX said:
With this topic in mind:
Who else gets pissed off when the only way out of a public toilet is by using a PULL handle. . . . wash your hands all you like, the second you touch that, you may as well have given the toilet seat a handshake
Yes, it's ok until you exit after a northerner has been in the toilet. Who else gets pissed off when the only way out of a public toilet is by using a PULL handle. . . . wash your hands all you like, the second you touch that, you may as well have given the toilet seat a handshake
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