Am I being unreasonable?
Discussion
My brother in law and sister in law have decided to get divorced after 20 years.... a bir=t messy cos she had an affair but as I say it takes two to make a marriage fail.... which I guess wis waht happened..
thing is everyone in my wifes family now hates the girl cos "she had the affair"
Well I havenn't seen her for a year but keep in touch as she is the mother of my two neices and my nephew........ and she has ben my friend for 19years.
I told my wife I was going to meet her for a coffee and everyone has gone ballistic saying I am out of order...
Am I? I don't thimk I am... my folks divorced when I was 16... a few years later it was all water under the bridge.... I think it wil be the same here as well..
thing is everyone in my wifes family now hates the girl cos "she had the affair"
Well I havenn't seen her for a year but keep in touch as she is the mother of my two neices and my nephew........ and she has ben my friend for 19years.
I told my wife I was going to meet her for a coffee and everyone has gone ballistic saying I am out of order...
Am I? I don't thimk I am... my folks divorced when I was 16... a few years later it was all water under the bridge.... I think it wil be the same here as well..
I don't think you are out of order. Families often tend to take rather absolute points of view in these kinds of circumstances. It is easier for them to put the blame on one party rather than perhaps face the facts that their own family member might have played a part.
Just state your reasons, and say that the reasons for their divorce are their own and you are not prepared to take sides because of the children.
Just state your reasons, and say that the reasons for their divorce are their own and you are not prepared to take sides because of the children.
doddze said:
My brother in law and sister in law have decided to get divorced after 20 years.... a bir=t messy cos she had an affair but as I say it takes two to make a marriage fail.... which I guess wis waht happened..
thing is everyone in my wifes family now hates the girl cos "she had the affair"
Well I havenn't seen her for a year but keep in touch as she is the mother of my two neices and my nephew........ and she has ben my friend for 19years.
I told my wife I was going to meet her for a coffee and everyone has gone ballistic saying I am out of order...
Am I? I don't thimk I am... my folks divorced when I was 16... a few years later it was all water under the bridge.... I think it wil be the same here as well..
Short answer: no. You can associate with whomsoever you like. If your family don't like it, then that's their problem.
That's the idealistic answer. Practical considerations and diplomatic requirements may colour the final decision.
Does'nt sound like you are being unreasonable at all. The lady in question should not be ostracised just because a marriage failed. OK so she had an affair, but things must clearly have been wrong in the marriage for that to happen. She probably needs a good shoulder to cry on at the moment.
gbbird said:
Does'nt sound like you are being unreasonable at all. The lady in question should not be ostracised just because a marriage failed. OK so she had an affair, but things must clearly have been wrong in the marriage for that to happen. She probably needs a good shoulder to cry on at the moment.
thats the way I feel.............
doddze said:
My brother in law and sister in law have decided to get divorced after 20 years.... a bir=t messy cos she had an affair but as I say it takes two to make a marriage fail.... which I guess wis waht happened..
thing is everyone in my wifes family now hates the girl cos "she had the affair"
Well I havenn't seen her for a year but keep in touch as she is the mother of my two neices and my nephew........ and she has ben my friend for 19years.
I told my wife I was going to meet her for a coffee and everyone has gone ballistic saying I am out of order...
Am I? I don't thimk I am... my folks divorced when I was 16... a few years later it was all water under the bridge.... I think it wil be the same here as well..
A bit messy?,sounds like your brother got hurt...its not water under the bridge by the sound of it Yet.
I feel you need to consider your brothers feelings and perhaps keep your distance and let things settle first...try and reverse the situation and think how you would feel if you were in your Brothers shoes.
doddze said:
brother in law actually........... who is now shacked up with his new lady who I haven't met but the rest of the family has... I just havent been around thats all!!
God whats the problem, he's moved on, but the sister in law is still a no go. I think they are all being a bit narrow minded. Go meet her.
Phil
Ok from the neurotic female perspective - your wife is concerned that your former sister-in-law is some kind of harlot who is going to lure you into bed. She had one affair therefore everyone else (including you!) is fair game. That's why she's unhappy about you meeting up with her and thats why she's told the rest of her family about it!
Sorry but I would imagine that there is some of this at the bottom of it!
Stick to your guns, you are not being unreasonable.
Sorry but I would imagine that there is some of this at the bottom of it!
Stick to your guns, you are not being unreasonable.
Have I worked this out right? Your wife's brother is the husband. And his wife had an affair - and she is a family "blow-in" (sorry, couldn't think of a better word, think it might have Irish origins. I mean someone who has married into a family, not born into it). You are also a blow-in, and you want to meet up with her. And you're unsure why the rest of your wife and her brother's family have gone a bit mental?
OR (and this is the alternative scenario, but I don't think this is the correct one) your wife's sister is the woman who had the affair. And her family "hate(s) the girl". And you want to meet up with her. And you're unsure why the rest of your wife and her brother's family have gone a bit mental?
OR (and this is the alternative scenario, but I don't think this is the correct one) your wife's sister is the woman who had the affair. And her family "hate(s) the girl". And you want to meet up with her. And you're unsure why the rest of your wife and her brother's family have gone a bit mental?
thanks for your comments......... I just feel after being a freind to someone for 19 years ..... going on hols with her etc... it feels wrong to me to just dump her when the shit gets tough.... afer all she is just still the girl with the same one head..
I will stick to my guns on this one.... I don't think I could look myuself in the mirror if I didn't.
Didn't think I was being unreasonable but always worth a check!!
I will stick to my guns on this one.... I don't think I could look myuself in the mirror if I didn't.
Didn't think I was being unreasonable but always worth a check!!
bigandclever said:
Have I worked this out right? Your wife's brother is the husband. And his wife had an affair - and she is a family "blow-in" (sorry, couldn't think of a better word, think it might have Irish origins. I mean someone who has married into a family, not born into it). You are also a blow-in, and you want to meet up with her. And you're unsure why the rest of your wife and her brother's family have gone a bit mental?
OR (and this is the alternative scenario, but I don't think this is the correct one) your wife's sister is the woman who had the affair. And her family "hate(s) the girl". And you want to meet up with her. And you're unsure why the rest of your wife and her brother's family have gone a bit mental?
ummmmmmmmmm unsure
I have never had an affair although onre of my parents did........
My sister in law did but I wm sure this must have benn the re result of other thing... ie it takes two to f**k up a marriage...
yep maried into the family....... didn't sign up to agreeing to all they say/do!!
>> Edited by doddze on Saturday 10th December 21:10
I think once a respectable time has been left for the dust to settle I would have no problem if you wanted to maintain the friendship. Not sure she would be top of the dinnner guest list if my wife wanted to kill her though.
I suppose for me it depends what effect it had had on the brother in law and if was a nice guy who has been done over or an arse. If he was devastated and trying to top himself, or she was messing him about seeing the kids I might be a bit cooler, but if things are now amicableI would have no problem with it. I just wish some of my friends had remained more neutral likme you when my marriage bit the dust.
I suppose for me it depends what effect it had had on the brother in law and if was a nice guy who has been done over or an arse. If he was devastated and trying to top himself, or she was messing him about seeing the kids I might be a bit cooler, but if things are now amicableI would have no problem with it. I just wish some of my friends had remained more neutral likme you when my marriage bit the dust.
leftie said:
I think once a respectable time has been left for the dust to settle I would have no problem if you wanted to maintain the friendship. Not sure she would be top of the dinnner guest list if my wife wanted to kill her though.
I suppose for me it depends what effect it had had on the brother in law and if was a nice guy who has been done over or an arse. If he was devastated and trying to top himself, or she was messing him about seeing the kids I might be a bit cooler, but if things are now amicableI would have no problem with it. I just wish some of my friends had remained more neutral likme you when my marriage bit the dust.
it is up to them if the row etc.............
I will be neutral I hope they sort out their access to their children...
sometimes it is difficult to remain neutral......... it would be easier to anti Sally...........
to keep all the family happy.........
but in this instance who the f**k is Sally?? ..... well she's my mate!!
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