Dealing with an alcoholic
Discussion
Hi,
Not sure what to write really or what I really need to know.... All I do know is that any advice I can get from anyone out there would be very much appreciated.
I don't know where to begin.....
My dad has got a drinking problem, I guess he is an alcoholic. The drinking problem has existed as long as I can remember (I'm 29), and has always been an issue in our family, but one that we've never really addressed. He very rarely went without drinking large amounts of Whisky (up to 500ml) each evening. But more recently, over the last few months it's got worse, he is regularly drinking a full 750mL bottle of Whisky each evening.
He had a particulary bad session a few weeks ago and passed out, my husband and I drove down there to help my mum out. I decided after this evening that enough was enough. I spoke to my dad the following evening and for the first time EVER we spoke about his drinking and he admitted he had a bad problem with it and that he was an alcoholic. He opened up quite a bit to me, he wants to cut down his drinking.
Since then I have managed to get him to visit a counselling service with my mum. At this he was assessed as scoring 31 out of 40 on a scale for needing help. He now has an appointment for a proper counselling session on his own this Thursday. Since he got the appointment he hasn't been talking to anyone, has been drinking more and now is saying he is not going to go.
He has always been a workaholic (plumber) and is now having to give up work due to physical problems - he's nearly 69. I just feel that maybe he is thinking he's had enough now he is realising that he can't work anymore and has no other activities, just drink.
My mum is really unhappy and has had to put up with so much for so long and is talking about leaving him to live on her own since she doesn't want to spend the rest of her life like this.
What do I do?
How do I approach him about the appointment without being confrontational?
Where do I go from now?
Help.... I can't let this go on any longer, it's affecting the whole family.
Thanks so much.
Emma
Not sure what to write really or what I really need to know.... All I do know is that any advice I can get from anyone out there would be very much appreciated.
I don't know where to begin.....
My dad has got a drinking problem, I guess he is an alcoholic. The drinking problem has existed as long as I can remember (I'm 29), and has always been an issue in our family, but one that we've never really addressed. He very rarely went without drinking large amounts of Whisky (up to 500ml) each evening. But more recently, over the last few months it's got worse, he is regularly drinking a full 750mL bottle of Whisky each evening.
He had a particulary bad session a few weeks ago and passed out, my husband and I drove down there to help my mum out. I decided after this evening that enough was enough. I spoke to my dad the following evening and for the first time EVER we spoke about his drinking and he admitted he had a bad problem with it and that he was an alcoholic. He opened up quite a bit to me, he wants to cut down his drinking.
Since then I have managed to get him to visit a counselling service with my mum. At this he was assessed as scoring 31 out of 40 on a scale for needing help. He now has an appointment for a proper counselling session on his own this Thursday. Since he got the appointment he hasn't been talking to anyone, has been drinking more and now is saying he is not going to go.
He has always been a workaholic (plumber) and is now having to give up work due to physical problems - he's nearly 69. I just feel that maybe he is thinking he's had enough now he is realising that he can't work anymore and has no other activities, just drink.
My mum is really unhappy and has had to put up with so much for so long and is talking about leaving him to live on her own since she doesn't want to spend the rest of her life like this.
What do I do?
How do I approach him about the appointment without being confrontational?
Where do I go from now?
Help.... I can't let this go on any longer, it's affecting the whole family.
Thanks so much.
Emma
be rational with him dont demand he does this
An alcoholic can only get better if they want it for themselves..........
he will need much love and support to get throught this.
It is a disease and a habit.
he needs to find other things to fill his life,and he needs to break the habit.
a bottle of spirit an evening is a lot.
give him your support. and take it a step at a time.
if he wants it it will happen if not it wont. it is his life ultimately and his choice. you dont own him,sometimes people have to choose how they want to live.
we can only hope they will be guided and see sense
An alcoholic can only get better if they want it for themselves..........
he will need much love and support to get throught this.
It is a disease and a habit.
he needs to find other things to fill his life,and he needs to break the habit.
a bottle of spirit an evening is a lot.
give him your support. and take it a step at a time.
if he wants it it will happen if not it wont. it is his life ultimately and his choice. you dont own him,sometimes people have to choose how they want to live.
we can only hope they will be guided and see sense
Hi
First, let me start by saying that I have an inkling for how you're feeling. This is not something that I often open up to - in fact even my closest friends are unaware of the fact - but, for as long as I can remember, my mother has been a high-functioning Chronic alcoholic (that is to say that she can live what appears to outsiders to be a normal, ordered life whilst being totally alcohol dependant).
Over the years my emotions around this have ranged through:
* Denial - pretend its not happening & it will go away
* Anger - If she cared anything for her family, she would stop
* Acceptance - No one can make her not be an alcoholic & only she can combat the symptom
An added complication for us is that one of my elder brothers - now 41 - is also an alcoholic, though sadly disfunctional & slipping further and further from normal participation in & contribution to society. This, in turn, feeds my mother's guilt and increases the 'comfort' that she seeks from alcohol.
One of the hardest things that I have had to come to terms with as a person who is driven almost obsessively by a passion to achieve what I set out to, is that there is nothing that I - or anyone else - can do. I remember well how angry I used to get with my father; how could he be so weak that he did not DO something to make her stop? It was many years before I realised that, actually, this was strength - acknowledging her problem, helping her where she wanted help and supporting her come what may. It was many years again before I began to think & act the same way.
So, key things to help you cope.... Support your mother & make sure she knows she does not carry the burden alone. Never pressure your father to give up/seek treatment etc but just as importantly, NEVER pretend that there isn't an issue. Accept that alcoholism rarely has a 'happy ending' and learn to look at your new found knowledge of your father's condition as a development of his personality but probably more than anything, never forget that he is still a human and your father; he doesn't love you any less & he doesn't choose to hurt the people that he does - its just part of him that he can no more stop than he could stop being left-handed.
Good luck....
First, let me start by saying that I have an inkling for how you're feeling. This is not something that I often open up to - in fact even my closest friends are unaware of the fact - but, for as long as I can remember, my mother has been a high-functioning Chronic alcoholic (that is to say that she can live what appears to outsiders to be a normal, ordered life whilst being totally alcohol dependant).
Over the years my emotions around this have ranged through:
* Denial - pretend its not happening & it will go away
* Anger - If she cared anything for her family, she would stop
* Acceptance - No one can make her not be an alcoholic & only she can combat the symptom
An added complication for us is that one of my elder brothers - now 41 - is also an alcoholic, though sadly disfunctional & slipping further and further from normal participation in & contribution to society. This, in turn, feeds my mother's guilt and increases the 'comfort' that she seeks from alcohol.
One of the hardest things that I have had to come to terms with as a person who is driven almost obsessively by a passion to achieve what I set out to, is that there is nothing that I - or anyone else - can do. I remember well how angry I used to get with my father; how could he be so weak that he did not DO something to make her stop? It was many years before I realised that, actually, this was strength - acknowledging her problem, helping her where she wanted help and supporting her come what may. It was many years again before I began to think & act the same way.
So, key things to help you cope.... Support your mother & make sure she knows she does not carry the burden alone. Never pressure your father to give up/seek treatment etc but just as importantly, NEVER pretend that there isn't an issue. Accept that alcoholism rarely has a 'happy ending' and learn to look at your new found knowledge of your father's condition as a development of his personality but probably more than anything, never forget that he is still a human and your father; he doesn't love you any less & he doesn't choose to hurt the people that he does - its just part of him that he can no more stop than he could stop being left-handed.
Good luck....
Best of luck to you and your family. An addiction is very tough and people fight it for the rest of their lives. It's just something you have to continuously work on. I have two cousins who've had addiction problems, and if they don't persistently work on their coping mechanisms, it's easy for them to slide back. I hope the counselling will help him to see what else he can do with his life, and to help with emotional stuff that led to the dependence on drinking.
Sometimes people self-medicate with alcohol if they are in chronic emotional or physical pain as well, so maybe some other stuff will need to be addressed regarding his health. Every little thing makes a difference. If he doesn't go to the counselor or support group, you should go anyway. It takes small steps, and it's important not to try to look at the whole situation all at once. That can make him feel overwhelmed and hopeless. If he just figures out one little thing at a time, it will be much easier.
Maybe find out what can be done for his health (besides the alcoholism). If he feels starts feeling better in other respects, he'll be more optimistic and not depend on the alcohol so much. Maybe he's afraid to go to the counsellor because there's painful stuff he doesn't want to deal with. Tell him it's at his own pace and that it won't be more than he can handle. Would it help him if you were to go with him the first few times?
Take care.
Sometimes people self-medicate with alcohol if they are in chronic emotional or physical pain as well, so maybe some other stuff will need to be addressed regarding his health. Every little thing makes a difference. If he doesn't go to the counselor or support group, you should go anyway. It takes small steps, and it's important not to try to look at the whole situation all at once. That can make him feel overwhelmed and hopeless. If he just figures out one little thing at a time, it will be much easier.
Maybe find out what can be done for his health (besides the alcoholism). If he feels starts feeling better in other respects, he'll be more optimistic and not depend on the alcohol so much. Maybe he's afraid to go to the counsellor because there's painful stuff he doesn't want to deal with. Tell him it's at his own pace and that it won't be more than he can handle. Would it help him if you were to go with him the first few times?
Take care.
As an alcoholic in recovery let me say that everyone who has posted so far has covered all of the bases really well. I would strongly recommend that you and other family members should join Al-Anon as they will be able to help guide you from there experiences.
There are at least 2 things that your father is dealing with after his two counseling sessions. The most important of them are fear of the unknown and the alcoholic brain keeps telling the sufferer that they don't have a problem, just have another drink and it will all go away. This is why all of the support and understanding is needed. If forced into rehab. it usually won't stick as mentioned above if there is to be any chance of recovery, it has to be his "want".
Unfortunately most alcoholics don't want to stop until they have suffered some grave consequences. It can take allot for them to put down the shovel and stop digging the hole. The longer your father can stay sober for lengths of time and the clearer his mind becomes, the better the chance that he will want to quit with out the serious consequences having to occur.
Best of luck to your father and family, I hope he decides to seek help again soon,
Trooper2
There are at least 2 things that your father is dealing with after his two counseling sessions. The most important of them are fear of the unknown and the alcoholic brain keeps telling the sufferer that they don't have a problem, just have another drink and it will all go away. This is why all of the support and understanding is needed. If forced into rehab. it usually won't stick as mentioned above if there is to be any chance of recovery, it has to be his "want".
Unfortunately most alcoholics don't want to stop until they have suffered some grave consequences. It can take allot for them to put down the shovel and stop digging the hole. The longer your father can stay sober for lengths of time and the clearer his mind becomes, the better the chance that he will want to quit with out the serious consequences having to occur.
Best of luck to your father and family, I hope he decides to seek help again soon,
Trooper2
Hi
Just make sure you and your mum get help too, your mum especially would benefit from meeting other wives who have coped with a similar situation. Speaking to them and realising she is not alone will be a comfort to her. And maybe she can pick up ideas of how to cope with situations better. Or at least have a lifeline of a phone number if things get too much and she can talk to someone about it other than you.
Also get help yourself, its ok helping your dad, but you will be trying to be emotionally supportive to your mum as well. It will add pressure and stress on you and you will need to learn how to deal with it also.
Best of luck.
Just make sure you and your mum get help too, your mum especially would benefit from meeting other wives who have coped with a similar situation. Speaking to them and realising she is not alone will be a comfort to her. And maybe she can pick up ideas of how to cope with situations better. Or at least have a lifeline of a phone number if things get too much and she can talk to someone about it other than you.
Also get help yourself, its ok helping your dad, but you will be trying to be emotionally supportive to your mum as well. It will add pressure and stress on you and you will need to learn how to deal with it also.
Best of luck.
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